"Stop Making Us Hold the Economic System as a Hostage," Say Hedge Fund Managers

 

Victim

(Manhattan, NY) "When regular people try to play the stock market, they just don't understand the harm that they can do to the system. It's not funny. It's not a game. And, it's not just my yacht money that these people are playing with," said Reginald Lacklinghouse III. "A lot of people are dependent on the money that we are manipulating, and if these plebeians manage to break the system, a lot of people are going to suffer because we've been setting the system up that way for decades."

In the wake of this week's economic attacks on capital, hedge fund managers are appealing to the public. They claim that the destruction of arbitrary wealth will have unforeseen effects on a system that they maintain, benefit from, and exploit. This could, they say, effect the general population if they cause it do so.

"Look, I don't want to bankrupt grandma's pension to keep my third yacht," says Lord Fragnast Grefflingfroth of Ballwarm Manor. "But, if push comes to shove, your grandmother will face serious consequences."

When thousands of average citizens leveraged what small monetary power they could in the stock market, it cost veteran stock traders billions of dollars. These academically inclined fund redistributors are truly suffering. Angorlican Forestrudemuffin bewailed the plight of her daugher, 45, who had to eat something that had been bought from the store.

"She's allergic to anything that isn't grown specifically for her!" says Forestrudemuffin. "This is the first time that she's ever had to eat regular veal! Can you imagine? You're brought up to eat baby legs that were grown specifically for you, and then suddenly, that's wrested away from you, and you have to eat... whatever veal is - our hired help said it was just as good as whatever it is she normally prepares, but can you imagine? Can you even imagine it? These poors are even more disgusting than we originally believed."

(Editor's note: We were unable to find anyone that could imagine it but not for the reason that Forestrudemuffin implied.)

When asked what people created the wealth that the various beneficiaries of the stock market utilize to enjoy the lives that they have, sources responded with, "What are people?" and "Does work exist?"