THIS IS AN ACTUAL THING, LIKE, SERIOUSLY... IN 2018

URGENT: Help Stop Insidious ‘Opossum Drop’ in Andrews, North Carolina!

Andrews, North Carolina, apparently intends to “celebrate” New Year’s Eve by hosting a sadistic so-called “opossum drop,” during which a wild-caught opossum would be imprisoned inside a Plexiglas box for hours above a rowdy crowd. At midnight—after being forced to endure a near-constant barrage of live music, a noisy marching band leading the animal in, and fireworks displays replete with the usual explosions and smoke—the terrified opossum would be slowly lowered to signify the dawning of the new year. Because this sensitive and elusive prey species naturally avoids human contact at all costs, subjecting one of them to hordes of partiers, chaos, and blaring noise is inhumane and would very likely result in potentially fatal stress-induced conditions. PETA scheduled a meeting with Mayor James Reid in order to describe our concerns and to encourage city officials to “drop” any one of countless nonliving articles that won’t suffer, but he canceled the meeting at the last minute, even declining to discuss the matter by phone—so now it’s your turn!

Please politely urge the following city officials and event sponsors to cancel the cruel event, then spread this alert far and wide. Remember, it’s vital that you keep it polite! Polite comments can be directed to:

The Honorable James Reid
Mayor of Andrews, North Carolina
mayor@andrewsnc.com
https://www.facebook.com/james.reid.735

Mr. Steve Jordan
Alderman and Mayor Pro Tempore
Town of Andrews, North Carolina
s.jordan@andrewsnc.com

Ms. Richelle Phillips
Alderman
Town of Andrews, North Carolina
r.phillips@andrewsnc.com

Mr. Mike Sheidy
Alderman
Town of Andrews, North Carolina
m.sheidy@andrewsnc.com

Mr. Scott Stalcup
Alderman
Town of Andrews, North Carolina
s.stalcup@andrewsnc.com

Ms. Sandra Daley, Chair
Cherokee County Tourism Development Authority (Event Sponsor)
sandra.daley.sd@gmail.com

Mr. Mark Kimball, CEO
Erlanger Murphy Medical Center (Event Sponsor)
Mark.Kimball@erlanger.org

Mr. Joel Storrow
President
McGill Associates (Event Sponsor)
joel.storrow@mcgillengineers.com

*The entirety of this post has been plagiarized from PETA. I don't they'll mind.

NORTH CAROLINA OUTLAWS REFERENCING THAT IT MADE STUDYING SEA LEVEL RISE ILLEGAL

Raleigh, NC - In its on-going war against information, the North Carolina legislature has passed a law criminalizing the act of making reference to its 2012 decision to ban studies of sea-level rise. Many critics of the move have decried it as totalitarian, medieval, and Orwellian.
"I'd say that it was beyond belief," stated an unnamed reporter, "but, you know, I'm not exactly sure what could land me in jail for informing the populace."
"People are scared," said an NC House member, whose name cannot be released. "And, they'd be too terrified to make good electoral choices if they knew the truth about what we've done to this planet and what it's going to mean in the future. I mean, can you imagine if people were thinking about us when they got hit with a category 4? We can't have that; it'd just be too upsetting for the general population. Look at what happened to the tobacco industry in this state when people started getting their hands on information."
After the state was pounded with two hurricanes within months of each other, North Carolina's House of Representatives decided to act before it was too late.
"You know when new 'progressive' house members take over, we can't just let them start spilling the beans on what happens in government. Think about it: Otto von Bismark once said that the public shouldn't see laws or sausages being made. There was a reason for that," claimed another representative whose name has been legally redacted. He went on to claim that, "information is dangerous! Do not forget the lessons of the book of Genesis! When Eve ate from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, it let sin and death into the world! God used a flood to cleanse the land when He saw fit! Can you imagine if there'd been scientists around back then, checking in on things? Why, the Nephilim could have built their own ark! We'd be up over our heads in lusty demi-angels!"
The state is contemplating more resolutions and legislation concerning "unpopular," "dangerous," and "counter-productive" information. While no sources could corroborate any of this, out of state legal scholars have apparently received messages, claiming that NC law-makers are looking at licenses for reading, the outlawing of print media, and taking the school system's last two remaining nickels. Constituents in the state were unable to be reached for comment because the publication of the facts about the facts is within an unknown legal jurisdiction.

CHALLENGE TO ACA BREAKS MILLENNIA OLD CONCEPT OF DHARMA

Texas - Ruling on Texas vs. Azar, Judge Reed O'Connor challenged the Affordable Care Act, colloquially known as "Obamacare". The move was widely applauded by psychopaths, toasting their illiterate colleagues. Meanwhile, philosophers and theologians were awestruck at the cataclysmic demise of a once cherished philosophical and theological idea: dharma.
While itself a religious shibboleth, nearly all religions had a belief akin to dharma. The Abrahamic traditions, for instance, see God as a cosmic leveler who smites the unrighteous and rewards the benevolent. Many faiths will, at this point, find it necessary to rewrite their religious laws.
"The concept of dharma was very important to us," explains Madhava Chaudry a local proponent of the Hindu faith. "The Hindu religion is built upon that very concept - to some it is the religion. We will have to rethink our concept of the universe. I think that it will probably be something familiar to those who have read the work of the late 19th century German philosopher, Nietzsche."
The connection between the ACA and the concept of universal equity is simply that the aggregate amount of pain and suffering caused by the elimination of 24 million Americans' healthcare cannot, in any rational universe, be revisited upon the O'Connor and his ilk. So awesome is the amount of pain that it stands to inflict upon the populace, that reprisals have failed any number of cosmic entities.
"What good is burning these assholes going to do?" asked Satan, the Prince of Darkness and ruler of the Christian concept of Hell. "I mean, by the time I scorched the evil out of them - lifetimes that would take - humanity might not even exist anymore. What's the purpose in that? I tell you, I've dealt with some horrible people. But this is some Hitler level crap."
Adolf Hitler declined to comment, citing moral grounds. Michael Godwin, who is still alive, was never contacted regarding this.
Māra, of some Buddhist traditions, was quoted as saying, "Okay, so, like, I might be the Ender Of That Which Should Not Yet Have Ended, but I'm a force in the universe that sort of helps to balance the good. Malevolent though I may be, there's a limit. There's a freakin' limit!"

Various registered Republican voters were heard to have said, "Well, it may have broken the cosmic sense of justice for all things, I may be denied help when I am dying, and this sort of thing may cause descendants of mine I'll never meet untold suffering - but at least it wasn't concocted by a brown person!"