(United States of America) As Christians and various secular capitalists across the globe prepare to celebrate Christmas, many Americans - often white, middle and upper class men - are getting ready for their favorite holiday tradition: somehow pretending that the predominant religious trappings of a holiday, which is far from religious at this point in time, are under attack.
Robert Thorpe, a resident of Albemarle, NC had this to say, "It's really nice to see people getting swept up in the spirit of the season. You know, for most of the year, people forget about the true nature of Christianity and its message, but I think you can see the spirit of Matthew 10:34 comes ringing through when I scream 'It's not Happy Holidays; it's Merry Christmas!' at the Hindi [sic] couple - or whatever they are - down the street. The looks on their faces show that I have truly arrived at the holiday spirit, the way it was intended."
"Feeling offended is celebrated in many different ways by many groups of Christians," said Sue Graham, of Lexington, VA. "Whether it's going apoplectic at a paper Starbucks cup, leaving one of the nation's few remaining malls because there's a non-white Santa, or feeling furious with relatives for celebrating in any way other than exactly the way that you prefer, there are many ways to celebrate. I'm not sure what people who are poor or brown do - you know, they're a very musical and exuberant group - but I imagine that they have their own special ways of feeling offended for Christmas."
Since the holiday's adoption by Christians in 336, the persecution of outside groups of people and followers who were not seen as ardent enough has long been a part of Christmas' connection to dominant cultures. Feeling offended finds its roots in the relatively short-lived historical oppression of Christians by other groups (as opposed to Christians oppressing outsiders, each other, the environment, and various other inanimate objects.) Here are some tips to help our readers fully appreciate Feeling Offended this Christmas season:
- Remember, no one is as Christian as you are.
- Because no one is as Christian as you are, they are not celebrating in the best possible way.
- People who are not celebrating in the best possible way leave themselves open to attack in any way that you, the perfect celebrant of Christmas, see fit: is their shade of red or green more of a pink or a teal? Not Christmas. Is their Jesus historically accurate, that is - not white? Not Christmas. Remember, YOU are the arbiter of what is and is not Christmas, so really, picking about what to feel offended is up to you!
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from all of me, here at the Big Tobacco!
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