SENATE REPUBLICANS INVOKE QUANTUM MECHANICS AND MULTIVERSE THEORY IN IMPEACHMENT HEARINGS

(Washington, DC) In the opening of President Trump's impeachment hearing, arguments from Republicans took a turn for the complex. Seemingly damning conclusions delivered by the Government Accountability Office with regard to the ongoing scandal Ukraine scandal have baldly called the administration's actions illegal. Despite this, Capitol Hill remains fiercely partisan. When questioned about anything to do with the country's third impeachment of a President, Republicans vehemently argue that no wrongdoing has transpired on the part of the administration.
Invoking recent claims by quantum theorists, Mitch McConnell (R-KY) spoke directly to the evidence marshaled against the President, "Now, it's so complicated that I am not entirely certain that I understand all of it. I've been told, though, that some very smart people out there are quite certain that there is more than one universe. Along with that, there are multiple potentialities that stem from any event, even on a microscopic scale. So, what you've got to understand from all of this is that with pretty much infinite universes out there, all branching off from every different event in history, there are branches of the universe where it looks a whole lot like Donald Trump is guilty as sin - but he isn't. How can you be so sure that we're not in one of those universes? Why, we might even be in a universe where Donald Trump is a god-fearing Christian who has never once stepped outside of biblical commandments, never so much as harmed a fly, but in that universe, he looks just terrible. Can we be certain that we are not in such a universe? Can we? I have been assured by a number of glasses-wearing white men in lab coats that it is a possibility. And, if that is a possibility, then the President has not been proven guilty. In America, we are innocent until proven guilty."
Democrats were quick to point out that this would exonerate every criminal in history because the exact same approach could be applied to anyone from Adolf Hitler to the recipient of a parking violation. "This truly is the last bastion of scoundrels," commented Chuck Schumer (D-NY). Republicans responded by saying that Adolf Hitler was not currently on trial. On a hot mic, Schumer was heard to say, "Would it make a difference?"
And, while these early impeachment remarks have left much of the US populace scratching their heads, it is worth noting that McConnell's remarks mirror those of Rudy Giuliani after part of his brain was sucked through a wormhole sometime between 2001 and 2018.

TRUMP'S TWEETS LEVEL IRANIAN TARGETS

(Strategic Sites in Iran) In an apparent escalation of rhetoric and firepower, recent tweets from Donald Trump have leveled several targets around Iran. The 280 character fusillades reportedly caused the deaths of three US citizens who were reading them while driving. Fox news analysts have also linked Trump's tweets to destruction around Tehran.
"The Fake News media and their Democratic supporters would have you believe that Donald Trump's tweets have nothing to do with the fact that several buildings came down in Tehran last night, but we know it's the truth. I mean, the President tweeted. The buildings came down, do I need to draw you a diagram? Have you ever read the Bible book of Joshua? Do the words, 'Walls of Jericho' mean anything to you?" said Kellyanne Conway.
When asked to elaborate on this, Conway replied that anyone who thought she was stupid enough to make a specific statement during this administration was stupider than they gave her credit for being. This has been regarded by many political analysts as the single most transparent comment in the history of the Trump administration.
"What you've got here," explains Dr. Sarah Fawkes, an expert on Psychology and Rhetoric at Greeningtonwhich University, UK, "is a very simple Post Hoc fallacy, coupled with a really elementary psychological trick. If I tell you that my watch keeps tigers away, you'll tell me that I am insane. If I go further and say that since I have been wearing this watch, I have seen no tigers at all, a sane person would then tell me that that is because I do not live in an area where there are any tigers. A person committing a Post Hoc, Ergo Hoc fallacy is simply attributing a causal relationship because one thing happened first. After the thing, therefore the thing. Trump tweeted. Buildings in Tehran fell. I went to the bathroom this morning. This happened after the President's tweets. Does that mean that he caused me to go to the bathroom? By this logic, it isn't out of the question. As for the childish trick of not making a statement, Conway is hoping to lead people in a direction that will allow their brains to fill in the gaps without her actually having said anything. No one likes to be told what to think, this kind of statement simultaneously exculpates her from saying anything patently false and it allows the listener's mind to end up exactly where she wants it to: at the absolutely barmy conclusion that somehow Donald Trump's tweets have caused physical damage to buildings in Tehran. I'm going to say this once and only once: that entire idea is mental. Absolutely, positively mental. Can you imagine believing that sort of thing? Can you? People do."
A senior White House official pointed out that the strategic targets, an abandoned greenhouse, a condemned warehouse, and several uninhabited apartment buildings were simultaneously "imminent threats" to US security and "also didn't matter at all." When asked for further comment, sources reportedly said, "I don't know. That's just what's on the script they gave us."

A SPORTS COVERAGE: FOOTBALL MAN DISAPPOINTED OR HAPPY AGAIN

(Areas Inside US Cultural Federation) As the NFL season comes to a close, fans are experiencing a variety of emotions: some good, some bad. Aaron Jenkinson of Bridalberg, KY has a number of opinions on the athletic and intellectual prowess of professionals whom he will never meet. None of these athletes have any geographical connection to the city or region where Jenkinson's favorite team plays. Hours of research, online debates about the nuances of different strategies and specific plays, and statistical analysis of individual players, teams, and conferences, have forged a conversational expertise in Jenkinson that can only be rivaled by roughly four in ten men in the United States. Despite complete and utter ignorance to contemporary subjects, such as the ongoing fires in Australia, the names of important US policymakers, and the location of Oregon on a map, Jenkinson is able to marshal use of the word "irredeemable," when it comes to movements surrounding a leather sheathed urethane sack of air.
"See, football is life," commented Jenkinson. When asked for further comment, he explained, "Like, it's just this whole way of life. You got people who're going to dress up on Sundays. They'll wear face paint. They yell and scream and rant and rave at the screen. That one boy in Philadelphia, he ate horse poop because them Eagles won it all. It's a passion."
When asked if he feels that his considerable energy expended toward the game makes a difference for the team that he supports, Jenkinson became more animated.
"I don't know about that. I mean, I know I surely do yell at the TV when there's a bad call or a close play, but it's, like, I can't say it doesn't. Look, there was this one time, when we were playing the Browns, and I swear, I screamed throw the dang thing, and you know what they did? Play action pass for a first down. I swear to you. I swear it on my mother. It was like we were in sync or something."
Though the current US President is battling an impeachment hearing that may set the tone for US politics and international relations for the foreseeable future, diplomatic interactions in the Middle East are at a very dangerous point, and lack of environmental policy appears to be accelerating Climate Change at a rate so disastrous that it may be exacerbating fires in places like Australia and Brazil, almost 73 million people, Jenkinson included, let out an enormous sigh of relief when the Patriots were taken out of the playoffs last week.

BIG TOBACCO EXPECTED TO CELEBRATE ITS TENTH READER BY YEAR'S END

Owner, Awaiting Fame and Fortune

(Greensboro, NC) In a surprising turn of events, the (very) small time blog, "The Big Tobacco" has celebrated its tenth reader by the end of 2020. Only in its fourth year of online publication with an abortive attempt at print journalism, the online publication has rocketed to the coveted 598,675,437th most popular blog worldwide. It shares this newfound fame with an abandoned student project from 2007, used as vehicle for depicting the correlation between bedsores and the intake of hydrogenated oils, an elderly men in golf pants fetish chronicle, and several Geocities websites to which the owners have forgotten their passwords.
The blog's sole writer, poster, social media manager, and part-time editor, Guy Geaux, was enthralled to see this accomplishment and said, "We're in the double digits, baby! Break out the bubbly!"
The Big Tobacco which bills itself as a "southern themed version of 'the Onion,' has not always had it this good. In 2018, the site was only updated five times, and no one really noticed. Once, someone posted a comment on one of the articles, but it had to be taken down quickly because it was just a link, trying to attract viewers to a pay site for webcam girls.
"And, there was this one time, I got blocked from Reddit because they said I was spamming," says Geaux. "How is posting OC spamming? I thought that was just sending the same thing to, like, dozens of people?"
The website Reddit, when asked for comment, did not acknowledge the question in any official capacity, other than to resend its forum etiquette guide.
Geaux's plans for "The Big Tobacco" are unrealistically optimistic and could even be potentially catastrophic. "At this rate, we'll have the circulation of the New York Times in like 500,000 years. Maybe then, I can retire from my job as a teacher. It's not like I have a lot of other options. You know, maybe, I could just quit my job now."
Longtime friends of the owner, when questioned about the feasibility of this as a professional move, had this to say, "He runs a blog? I mean, I guess he mentioned it, but, you know, he talks a lot."
Another anonymous (cowardly) critic commented, "Oh, that. Well, yeah, I was planning on retiring when my baseball card collection is worth a million dollars. It's not dissimilar. Did I tell you? I only have one card: it's a Kerry Lacy card from 1997."
Aside from friends upon whom the site has been forced, other readers include one of Geaux's family members and a fourth grader from Indiana who stumbled upon the site while doing research on the tobacco lobby.
"This isn't helpful," said David Kim. "This has nothing to do with tobacco."

AREA MAN'S TWELFTH CONSECUTIVE OPTIMISTIC APPROACH TO NEW YEAR ENDS QUICKLY AND POORLY

(Greensboro, NC) Grady Connors rang in 2020, telling all of his friends how excited he was for the coming year.
"We're going to get Trump out of the White House," he said, with a smile, just after taking a very large sip of his fourth New Year's Eve martini, "And, that's just one thing."
Conners' incautious optimism spread quickly to his friends.
"I'm really looking forward to the decade when we get socialized medicine, and they start funding the schools more," commented Tessa Woodbridge, who was on her third cosmopolitan of the night.
"I don't know about you guys," said Joshua Connors, Grady's older brother, "But, I plan on working out more and getting out of this freaking job. It's a total soul stealer."
The elder Connors, who works as retail manager at the local mall, has made this resolution alternatively to himself and to others, since 2008. Many of his peers find themselves in similar situations. According to research from Hundgren University, the likelihood of a resolution's success for a New Year is most directly correlated with whether or not the resolver has made the same one in previous years.
"What you've got," says Dr. Archibald Tanner, the head of the project, "is a bunch of people who can't register how overly optimistic their promises to themselves are because they're drunk. Are you going to lose weight this year? Well, did you promise yourself that you'd do that last year? You did? Well, did you then proceed to actually lose the weight? No? Hmmm... There's a probably specious Einstein quote that nevertheless works quite well here: the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. This isn't brain surgery. I cannot believe that someone felt the need to call for papers on this. I needed something for my grad students to do so that they'd leave me along to conduct real research on something that isn't so blatantly obvious that we communicate it with a truism."
Grady Connors and friends woke up, suffering hangovers the next day, many of them unaware of the absurdly optimistic prognostications that they had made for themselves and the world at large. 40% of party guests realized that they had actually made claims with regard to "not waking up hungover tomorrow" and "not getting drunk tonight." 60% of guests actually made these claims.
With the very first resolution broken mere hours into the new year, Grady Connors and his friends were quick to abandon plans to work out, go vegan, save money, abstain from alcohol, and curtail their reliance on social media. This was done in celebratory fashion at an expensive brunch, where no fewer than four of the party-goers posted pictures of themselves continuing on the downward spiral into alcoholism, poverty, and self-delusion.