HOOK UP CULTURE SOMEHOW EVADES ALL LOCAL TEENS

(Bentham, GA) Despite its prevalence in movies, music, television, novels, and comic books, the accessible and enjoyable world of teenage hook ups continues to evade local teen, Christopher Gillespie. According to all of his media consumption, Gillespie should be inundated with crowds of nubile, attractive, and willing sexual partners. Instead, he remains a virgin who, despite his best efforts, is unable to seduce women with stares, suggestive jokes, or smiling in their direction. He has tried becoming friends with them but only ever ends up, according to him, "in the friend zone."
"It's like that song 'I Know What Boys Like' by the Waitresses. You remember that? You remember the part where she says, 'I make them want me, I like to tease them'? These girls are just messing with my head. And, what's worse, there are a ton of guys out there who are just straight up assholes - not even good looking ones, and they still get girls. What's the deal!? They're constantly talking about it, and it's in the freaking movies and music and everything all the time."
Oddly enough, Gillespie's sentiments are shared by all of the teens in the town where he lives.
"In our church group," said Kashia Grant, "they're always warning us of these guys that are all trying to have sex with us, but, like, they just aren't. They're all too busy playing video games and jacking off to internet porn. I wanna be sexually active. I want to be a liberated woman. I want to be a sinner. Or, heck, I'd at least like to have the choice!"
While the data is self-reported, a recent study of sexual activity in teens found that fewer and fewer are engaging in any kind of intercourse. Dr. Alexis Watkins of University of Ellington's Sexuality and Culture Department had this to say, "Despite desire on all sides of the equation, teens are spurning genuine interaction with each other for safe and agreeable entertainment that will neither challenge what they feel nor ask them to do anything at all. Much like the capitalist system that sells absurd dreams to the most vulnerable of its citizens, the entertainment industry is selling sexuality that doesn't really exist to a public that who what it even is that they want."
When asked if they knew each other, both Christopher Gillespie and Kashia Grant responded with grimaces and said, "Ew."

MULTIMILLIONAIRE CELEBRITY DOES SOMETHING NICE

(Not a Country with What You Would Call Freedom) An inspiring display took place in a country that, while not the United States of America, actually does exist. A Hollywood celebrity and/or New York business man, who by dint of market forces, circumstances, absurd societal values, and perhaps some smattering of talent has been able to acquire more currency than they will be able to spend in a life time, has recently donated money to help better the lives of non-US residents. The expenditure of currency that represents more labor hours than any person has in their lifetimes was considered incredibly generous by a benighted public, most of whom have never heard of the country and would be unable to find it on a map.
"It's just really important for me to give back to the world," commented the plutocrat. "I mean, I am so lucky to have so much. I really have been blessed."
God could not be reached for comment on this blessing, as any deity who allowed for this sort of allocation of resources would not be the sort to bless things anyway.
"It's so inspiring to see people give this kind of money," said Katie Brumbauch, a middle-class fan of this sort of thing. "I mean, can you imagine? That's more money than I am ever going to see in my lifetime, and they just gave it to those people. I know, they're still incredibly rich, and always will be, but I mean, they just give the money away."
When confronted with the fact that people possessing this level of wealth are giving infinitesimal amounts of their resources and often doing it so as to not have to pay taxes, Brumbauch was unable to respond other than to say, "But, they just give so much money!"
Despite the indications that the rise in the American standard of living has begun to slow, and many indices point out that the population lags behind the post-industrialized world in things like Health Care, Worker's Rights, Democratic Freedom, and Education, many residents of the United States remain enthralled by the comparatively paltry gifts from people like Joel Osteen, who could not be reached for comment because he was too busy smoking the scrotums of various endangered species because he, in his words, "can, motherfucker, what are you going to do about it?"

CDC: STOP CALLING US ABOUT YOUR ASIAN NEIGHBORS

(Atlanta, GA) In an effort to quell racist fears about the "Wuhan" Coronavirus (COVID-19), a representative for the Centers for Disease Control  released the following statement:
"We do not know the ethnicity of your neighbors, and we cannot and will not guess based on a phone call. Being of Asian descent does not mean that a person has been to Asia in their lifetime or even has relatives within several generations who have. Please, do not call us to, and I quote, 'check them out for you.' Yes, we understand that you have children. We are monitoring the spread of COVID-19 very closely and do not have time to talk to you about whether or not your neighbors are eating bats. It is very likely that they are not. Please, do not let prejudices get the better of you in your dealings with other people. We will update the public with more if events warrant. Thank you."
The statement, however, fell on deaf ears as many locals were unsatisfied with the levels of precaution that the center was willing to take.
"How do we, the public, know if these people are safe? Andrew Yang was running for President up until last week - has anyone checked him out?" said Alfred McDonald, a Multilevel Marketing Coordinator and resident of Pawshackleyville, AR. "You just can never be too careful. My dad fought against the Japs in the Aleutians, and he told me that they were the wiliest bunch you ever did see. How do we know that them Chinamen haven't been planning to come over here and cough on us for the past three generations? Can you prove they aren't?"
The interviewer was too shocked to ask follow up questions and left Mr. McDonald in a state of satisfied, albeit ill-founded, superiority.
The CDC's message, though apparently completely ineffective, has brought out a lot of critics who are also racist but unaware that the condition plagues them.
"Racist? Doesn't that mean that you hate black people? I don't hate black people. I heard a Don King record once, and it wasn't half bad," commented Norma Rae Parker of Drifting Oak, AL. "What does my worrying about my neighbors, the Kims, maybe having that bat flu have to do with racism? I mean, I know they're from Korea - but, maybe, it's that bad Korea. Maybe, they're in league with the Chinese to get us all sick. You ever thought of that? The simple fact is that without a test, you can't know."
"The problem," claimed Dr. Patricia Choi of the CDC, "is that most of these racist assholes live in areas that are so rural that a lot of them have only ever seen Asians on TV. They watched a season or two of 'The Walking Dead' and know where the CDC is, so they call in with whatever completely absurd idea about an Asian person that they - and, I shit you not, this part is a direct quote: they might have seen on the street a year ago. That person was asking if they could have been exposed. And, that's just one example. There are a fields upon fields of data. I'm not kidding. This is worse than those Asian fetishists on the internet. Ugh. It makes me want to study the spread of stupidity as a contagion."

CITING "FAMILY VALUES," WHITE REPUBLICANS PLAN TO BUILD WALL AROUND SHAKIRA, J-LO

(Miami Gardens, FL) At this year's Super Bowl halftime show, pop icons, J-Lo and Shakira, wowed viewers with a spectacle of gargantuan proportions. The performance featured all of the usual visual overloads of previous years, along with a stripper pole and the conspicuous absence of Left Shark. The roughly fourteen minute production marked the halfway point in the championship game. The NFL, known for its attempts to silence investigations into the safety of its practices and apparent thin-skinned reactions to its players staging peaceful protests, came under fire from conservatives for being too risque.

"I just can't believe that smut!" cried Carrie Blanc of White Plains, NY. "Don't they know that J-Lo's, like, forty-five!?"

"My kids were watching those pituitary cases bludgeon each other into unconsciousness! Then, they put on those... those... women!" said Caroline Alba, a Domestics Manager from Whitesboro, TX.

"I can't believe Shakira was up there, shaking herself like that, isn't she ashamed of herself? You'd think she'd know better, but, no, she's just going to pretend like she isn't in her thirties. Just wait! Just wait! This is why she'll never be a big star like Kellie Pickler," posted Carol Lynn Weiss (Whitesville, AL).

Conservative law makers were quick to engage with these concerns.

"We must protect our children," commented House Republican Frank Balts (KY), "And, the only way to do it is to make sure that they don't see this sort of thing from these women."

Balts' speech was interrupted with chants of "Build the Wall," "Lock her up!" and "Show us your tits!"

"A wall is necessary to protect our children!" Balts continued, borrowing from the words of President Trump, "They're not sending us their best people. They're bringing over dancing like this. They're bringing over that guy in the silver trench coat. They're ululating like Islams! They're getting involved in fake relationships with Ben Affleck! And, some of them, I assume, are very good people. We need a wall!"

Shakira and J-Lo could not be reached for comment as they were too busy rolling around on massive piles of money, (not from the NFL) stardom, and acclaim. The President could not be reached for comment as the hypocrisy of his evangelical followers took on an even more dissonant tone.

MAN WITH GADSDEN FLAG TATTOO VOTES FOR GOVERNMENT TO TREAD HEAVILY UPON HIM

 

(Ellery, GA) Thomas Biscoe and his girlfriend, Amy Calhoun, are celebrating the birth of their second child in as many years. Their son, Samuel, named for Samuel Adams, will be a part of the second generation of Americans who neither live as long or as well as their parents. Unaware of this, Biscoe did not waste time explaining to a delirious Calhoun and any medical staff present that his son had been, "born into the greatest country on Earth. "My son is going to be free. He's got it better than so many of his ancestors, who got pushed around like they wasn't [sic] even people. Can you imagine?" Despite getting no response from those present, Biscoe continued, "They're trying to bring back communism. It's like these people don't even know history! Their brainwashed by these liberal snowflake teachers. How are you going to tell me and mine what we can and can't own?"

Showing off the Gadsden flag tattoo on his bicep to no one in particular, the 21 year-old metal press operator let out a war whoop that startled hospital staff.

"I thought - I think he was drunk," said Sierra Madison, "Fathers sometimes show up like that. It's weird, and it's a thing. Sometimes, they aren't, but they act like that anyway. I like to just pretend that they are drunk because at least that explains their behavior. Anyway, I have to get back to my shift."

After pointing his tattoo out to nonchalant but very busy nurses and one Antoine Bankston, a coma patient in the next room, the proud new father related that he would never let anyone disrespect him, his family, his country, his President, his Bible, or his country. When the bills for the hospital birth and subsequent care for the child and his girlfriend, Biscoe will owe more in the next two months than twice the total amount of money that he has ever had in his life. 

Ignorant of this fact, the Gadsden flag tattooed man shattered the nerves a doctor with an abrupt rendition of the few parts of the Star Spangled banner which Biscoe could remember. 

Never having passed a single history class during his short career as a high school student, the young father neglected to point out that because no one in his or Calhoun's family would be able to pay the enormously high hospital bills, their family had already taken irrevocable steps toward the more or less permanent destruction of their credit. As this would make it impossible for the couple to receive loans necessary for the purchasing of property, Biscoe was also unaware of the fact that his son's birth marked the point of no return on the family's path to financial ruin and their being denied basic living necessities.

Because of their low family income, the Biscoe-Calhoun family will be unable to afford to live in a neighborhood that would feed into a decent public school for their children. The family lacks the economic mobility to move out of a state that has never accepted the federal medicaid expansion. When the family's next child is born, their economic situation will become more dire. As Georgia is a so-called, "right to work" state, Biscoe will be  unceremoniously laid off from his job at the metal stamping plant in the next two years and forced to live on the kind of welfare that he so reviles in others. Despite the fact that he has seen similar obstacles waylay friends and even close family members, he has always seen this as "part of God's plan" and has comforted others with phrases like, "everything happens for a reason," "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger," and "thoughts and prayers." He will not find these sentiments helpful in the coming years.

Dedicated Republicans, Biscoe and Calhoun both voted for Donald J. Trump in their high school's mock election 2016 and plan to actually vote for him 2020, as they will be of legal age to do so. "That's my Commander-in... Commander-and... Commander'n'chief," exclaims Biscoe, who has never served in the military and would not be eligible to to do so, except under conditions so dire that the country has not faced them since the Civil War, a war that Biscoe claims could begin again at any moment, with the government he so reveres.