AREA WHITE MAN UNABLE TO FIND RACISM TO FIGHT

(Winnetka, IL)  "I've seen 'To Kill a Mockingbird,'" commented Fred Lawson. "I know what racism looks like." The thirty-four year-old civil engineer described his confusion with regard to the recent protests and rioting that have taken place in the wake of the murder of George Floyd in Minneapolis by Officer Derek Chauvin.

Lawson, an Ivy League graduate and member of the most affluent socioeconomic class in recent history, claims to have both African American friends and an understanding of racism.

"I would totally have been involved in the sit in movement, if I had been alive in the sixties. I mean, it's just unbelievable to me that anyone could discriminate against other people on the basis of their skin," said the owner of a five bedroom house on a racially homogeneous street. "There are some really bad cops out there. I've been saying that since my dad explained the LA riots to me when I was six. But, I mean, I can't imagine going out there and rioting - wouldn't that just be playing into what Fox News is saying about African Americans? It's like, yeah, they're mad, but is burning down Target going to bring Mr. Floyd back? God, it's so weird that that's in Minnesota of all places."

"Sure, the KKK still exists in America, but I mean, they aren't around here. I don't think so, anyway. That stuff is all just in the south - like, Alabama and Georgia and places like that. We wouldn't stand for that sort of thing here. But, I just don't understand why things like this are still happening. I voted for Obama both times. I retweeted videos of Colin Kaepernick kneeling, and I voted for Hillary Clinton in 2016. It just seems like there's nothing that I can do in Winnetka to change the system. It's really sad, but what are you going to do?  If I had kids, I would totally teach them not to see race. We're all one race: the human race. There's nothing that prejudice can do to make me not believe that."

Despite his seemingly strong stance on the subject Lawson sighed and said that he was thinking of asking his high school friend, Ashton Koffe, to "teach" him what he might do about racism. "I don't know," he then commented, "it might be weird. I haven't talked to him in a really, really long time. Like, what's he going to think if all I've been doing is wishing him a happy birthday on Facebook, and then suddenly, it's like, 'tell me what to do to fix racism.' You know?"

Lawson decided that he would get back to thinking about the issue as soon as he finished watching the next couple of episodes of "Ozark" on his new 8k television that was assembled by laborers who are paid less than a hundredth of Lawson's salary to work long hours in a factory that has failed environmental safety checks for three years in a row.

AREA WOMAN HAS LABORED MORE IN ANIMAL CROSSING: NEW HORIZONS THAN IN TOTALITY OF REAL LIFE

(Greensboro, NC) Having finally gotten a Nintendo Switch, local homemaker Kia Veselsky has rejoined the workforce after a protracted absence. The game's premise involves players working off a series debts to Tom Nook, a raccoon who controls all access to capital on an archipelago of previously uninhabited islands. The game's rounded, cartoonish graphics are clearly intended to create a cute, childlike atmosphere. However, the actual gameplay involves fishing, landscaping, carpentry, and gardening, activities, which, when performed in pursuit of economic gain, are generally reserved for the socioeconomically disenfranchised. In fact, Marxist academics have acknowledged the game's existence and used it to further arguments in support of their cause.
Having worked in offices for several years in her professional life, Veselsky's forays into manual labor have been relatively short and hobby oriented.
"Ever since quarantine, I've been trying to get my backyard garden together, and it really was a lot of getting dirty, working up a sweat, having my husband come outside to dig, you know, it was really... it was a lot. Now, I can do all the same stuff from the comfort of my couch, in my pajamas, with a latte in front of me. Or, like, wine if it's after two pm. Because, yeah, wine. This is me, living my best life."
While internet memes are replete with jokes about the game's depiction of capitalism and the leveraging of debt against the working class, gamers like Veselsky have been quick to excuse the portrayal of labor with displays of rhetorical wonder, such as, "Oh my god! Did you see the little hat!? I got a little adventurer's hat!" and, "Oh my goodness, he's got the most adorable Hawaiian shirt! It's got widdle weaves on it! Awwwwww!"
Despite harvesting large amounts of produce, catching innumerable fish, creating new tools, treating bee stings, and bashing a cash rock repeatedly, Veselsky's labors all seem to have gone unnoticed by her husband, as he cleans, dries, and puts dishes away in a desolate kitchen of Dickensian aspect.
"She used to make the most excellent bread," he sighed, looking off into the distance handsomely. "We had such a good life before she was, you know, crushed under the wheel of big business. I guess I'll start making dinner soon. Looks like more leftovers."
Veselsky's charming and intelligent husband returned to household chores, looking dejectedly at his copy of "Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild," which has gone unplayed since he set up a character, sometime in late March. Twenty-two days into a quarantine gaming bender and unshowered for the last twelve, Veselsky's only comment was to lick her lips and say, "Y'all got any more o'them Nook miles?"

INTROVERSION DOES NOT MATCH EXPECTATIONS

(Knoxville, TN) Before the COVID-19 outbreak and subsequent stay-at-home order, self-proclaimed introvert and blogger, Addison D'Aubry posted on social media several times a week about her aversion to face-to-face interaction. "All I need are books and my cats," she tweeted on February 27th. "Anything else is just too much. TOO MUCH."
As the state's lockdown, still partially in effect, enters its seventh week, D'Aubry's social media presence has undergone a strange evolution, one echoed by many of her peers.
"FINALLY! No one can stop me from finishing my Etsy store!" she posted on March 31st, the first day of Tennessee's state-mandated shutdown. Over the course of the next several days, the twenty-nine year-old Theater Arts teacher seemed to be making progress toward this goal, posting pictures several times a day of her transferring pages of the Harry Potter series into calligraphy on coffee-stained parchment, which she planned to sell as wall art.
As the days dragged on, the posts turned their attention toward her cats, Neville and Niffler. First, on April 10th, she expressed adoration for the duo with a picture of the cats reclining on her desk. "Awwww, I can't be upset with these two for stopping my work!"
On March 12th, she tweeted a video link of the black and white cat, Neville, pawing at her while she tried to transcribe a page from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, with a caption, "No mama! Pay attention to meeeeeee!"
The same day, she posted text only on Facebook, writing, "Niffler has destroyed all of today's work. *Facepalm*"
After receiving no preorders for pages from her favorite book series for the third week in a row, D'Aubry took the store down and posted on Instagram that she was finally going to start doing daily yoga classes and was looking forward to having the time to meditate without people "fussing at her." From there, the posts take on darker and darker tones.
On April 13th, D'Aubry tweeted, "I don't think I like meditation. Sometimes, the quiet is creepy."
On April 15th, D'Aubry posted, "All right. Time to learn the uke. I've had one for long enough."
Three hours later, on the same day, she posted an Instagram video of her making plans for a fire escape garden. The very next day, she wrote about having met some very nice people at Lowe's, who complimented her on her improvised face mask, made from Doctor Who fabric. "People at Lowe's get me," she said on her blog. "I am totally a garden girl."
On April 17th, a video was posted and then taken down an hour later of Neville and Niffler sniffing around what remained of some ferns that D'Aubry had planted on her fire escape. From behind the camera, she can be heard, howling, "Why guys!? Why!?"
By April 21st, D'Aubry's blog rambles on about the coming success of her Etsy store, without any sort of reference to her having taken it down previously. At the end of the day's post, there are fifteen identical video boxes of Robbie Coltrane, playing Hagrid in "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone," proclaiming, "You're a wizard, Harry!"
Then, there is a ten day, complete social media blackout.
An enigmatic tweet, dated May 2nd, simply reads, "I understand."
A veritable fusillade of tweets follows, with references to the "Plandemic" Youtube video and its scientific veracity.
May 3rd, "It's amazing that we've been blind for so long."
May 3rd, forty-five minutes later, "My parents don't get it. How can they have drank the Kool-aid?"
May 3rd, ten minutes later, "I cannot believe this. It's just too much. Are we really just sheep?"
May 3rd, an hour later, "I need to wake up the world with this. It's time. We are the heroes of our own destinys [sic]"
May 4th, " Star Wars day guys. Don't buy into what the Empire is selling!"
May 5th, "Margaritas at noon! Fuck yes! Kitties and I are signing [sic] on the rooftop!"
May 7th, "My neighbors don't own me! I'll play Pussy Riot as loud as I want. WE THE PEOPLE!!!"
May 10th, "Joining my brothers and sisters at the captial! [sic] We will not be controlled!"
May 11th, "I think my human form is just a shell."
May 12th, "People are being really unfair to President Trump. He did NOT say to drink blech. [sic] He was talking about how to SCIENTIFICALLY have a DOCTOR put antiseptic into your body. They actually do this, people. It's called science."
May 13th, "You don't know where I've been or where I am going to."
May 15th, "I yam what i yam. Niffler ate my nose."
Afterwards, there are fifty-four tweets on May 15th, none of which contain a single comprehensible, syntactically correct sentence.
On May 16th, there is a video of D'Aubry saying something incomprehensible that appears to end with the words, "Carole Baskin."
May 16th, two hours later, "THEY CANNOT SAY THAT YOU ARE NOT IN QUARANTINE IF YOU ARE NOT WEARING CLOTHES!"
D'Aubry is currently being held in custody of the Knox County Police Department for indecent exposure and resisting arrest. Her only comment to the press was, "finally, I can be by myself without all of those ghosts in my apartment."

WAR CRIMINAL AND LOSER OF THE 2000 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION'S POPULAR VOTE UN-IRONICALLY CALLS FOR "UNITY"

Seriously, you can't make this garbage up: https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/george-w-bush-coronavirus-speech-transcript-bush-releases-message-on-covid-19