BIDEN UNVEILS 2020 CAMPAIGN SLOGAN, TRUMP SUES FOR COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT

(Philadelphia, PA) In a recent advertising message, the Biden campaign has released its primary slogan for its 2020 presidential run. A representative for the presumptive Democratic nominee had this to say:
"Remember when our worst scandal was a tan suit? Remember when Obama passed the Affordable Care Act? Remember when Navy SEALs killed Osama Bin Laden? Well, the good times are coming back if you vote for good ole Uncle Joe. We want to Make America Great Again."
The Trump administration is already pursuing legal action on the basis of copyright infringement. With a spokesperson releasing this statement:
"The crooked Biden campaign couldn't even come up with its own slogan. This is clearly plagiarism, and worse than that, it's based on lies. Things weren't better under Barack Hussein Obama. Americans are happy and wealthier under President Trump, and we want things to stay that way. Besides, everyone knows that Make America Great Again refers to a time when col- black people had to eat in different restaurants, attend different schools, and use different bathrooms. America was better when we drove cars that got a mile to a gallon, the commie liberals weren't trying to pull down statues of our confederate heroes, and the your gay uncle was just thought of as weird and had to stay in the closet his entire life. Marriage was between a man, his wife, and probably two or three mistresses. You could have two martinis for lunch, and there was no such thing as an abortion clinic."
Polling data has already reflected the confusion of the American public as the most recent reports from the NYT and Fox News have shown that the majority of the public now intends to vote against both candidates.
"Are you kidding me?" says Clive Horowitz, an accountant from Gunn, IN. "Who else have we got? I mean really? My four year-old would do a better job than either of these jokers. Biden wants to bring us back to an era in politics where the liberals were all patting themselves on the back while the conservatives were stacking the deck for the coming years. Trump wants to relegate all power to the states, which is just code for turning every state that has a rural population into a confederacy of itself. This is just nuts. I hope we get invaded. I do. Maybe, the occupying powers will be better than the idiots in Washington."
In answering the same question, Allen Ingram of Vesper, GA, had this to say, "I don't know why Trump had to say that there were good people on both sides of that rally in Charlottesville. There were people who wanted to keep up the statues of soldiers who fought to keep the power to decide whether or not you could own people in the hands of the states, and then there were assholes who wanted to erase my history. My great grandfather was a slave catcher. That's part of my history. How could our President say that people who wanted to take down the statue had good people on their side? That's just reprehensible. And Biden? Hasn't he tried to say that touching women is bad? I mean, I know he does it, but he's tried to, like, back away from sexual harassment and stuff. Why? If you want my vote, you need to be unafraid to grab 'em by the, well, you heard what Trump said. I just wish I could vote for DJT again, but if you're going to say that the people trying to tear down my heritage had some good people on their side, I just can't vote for you in good conscience. Plus, he assumed that there were some very good people from Mexican countries. That's just ridiculous."
Dr. Alma Spruill of the Political Science Department at Bellinghaus University had this to say, "It really isn't surprising in the least that the American public is confused. Biden is Trump is Biden is Trump, ad nauseam. A lot of people think that anyone who says that the two major political parties in the US are different shades of the same color just isn't paying attention. The truth of the matter is that the Democratic party has been pulled so far right that they aren't even left anymore. For context, can you imagine the progressives in countries where the police are not armed coming down hard on the side of funding the police with military equipment? In the US, they do. Can you imagine a left wing politician in Finland saying that progressives need to build a big tent for pro-lifers? Klobuchar, one of Biden's short list for VP, said that. So, what do you do? I don't know. I mean, you can vote Biden and hope and pray that he's going to pull things left. If you're a Trump supporter, and you want more reactionary right wing change, I think you have to go out into the woods and join a militia. Either way, I'm resigning my post at this institution. I have plans to walk into the sea today with a lady from the English department. Best of luck to you all."

NATION TURNS TO TRUMP SUPPORTERS FOR TRANSLATION OF LATEST STATEMENT: I HATE YOU ALL AND WILL TRY TO KILL EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU IF I CAN

(Washington, DC) During a heated press conference, President Donald Trump broke from scripted responses to address the American people directly with a message that caught many by surprise.
"Listen you disgusting vomit bags," said the President, "Yes, I am talking to you - all of you, the American public." Shocked into motionlessness, the assembled press watched, open mouthed as the amazingly coherent comments continued. "Look, I despise you. You are all nauseating to me. White supremacists? Black supremacists? Regular, average people? You make me want to throw up everything I've ever eaten. Democrat? Republican? Green Party? Don't even get me started on the Independents out there. This country needs to be entirely cleansed of the filth that is the American public. Draining the swamp starts with YOU. Y-O-U, YOU. I am actively trying to kill every last one of you, and if I can make it as agonizing as possible, I will. It's not enough for you to die. I want you all to suffer. I repeat: I hate you all and will try to kill every last one of you if I can. I am not joking. There is literally no other way to interpret this; I want you all to scream in pain as you die horribly."
After much throat clearing, hemming, and hawing, Fox News was first to respond, saying that it was waiting for word from the President's administration for clarification. One America News Network released one final statement before closing its doors with a finality that seems both ominous and permanent. The statement read, "Mr. President, we are doing our best to honor your request and have issued the appropriate tools for all of our staff members to honor you with self-immolation. Please, let us know by 5 pm this evening if this either not painful enough or if you have changed your mind, like God with Isaac."
The Twitterverse was quick to take up the controversy with Trump's detractors saying things like, "This is the most honest thing that Drumpf has said, ever," "Duh. Duh, duhing duh," and "How is any of this a surprise?"
However, Trump's supporters' responses to his comments have been much more varied.
"It's like I been sayin Trumps says it like it us. #MAGA," "And people call him a liar. Finally an honest President with balls," and "I AGREE ALL OF Y'ALL ARE GROSS AS HELL!" all share a common thread of agreement and acceptance. But, Tweets like, "This is a deep state fake! Fake News!" "OANN WHERE ARE YOU!?" and "Oh come on people, you know this just the MSM confusing the video," all indicate that their authors do not believe the video of Trump clearly stating that he loathes all of America. Lastly, there were a number of miscellaneous responses that defied classification, ranging from, "Oh come on now. It's clear that he's just," "This is a joke. Can't you tell when someone is joking about not joking!?" "Now thats some good points there. Yall cant talk bout nothin what aint been said" and "DIGABAH GRRRNTTTTGGGGG AWWWWAAALLLLAAAAYYYAAAA!!!" and more than a few other responses that made even less sense.
When asked for a follow up, the administration merely said that it was mobilizing all standing military and reserves for an "unspecified protocol."

TRUMP ADMINISTRATION QUIETLY SCRAPS PLANS FOR WASHINGTON REDSKINS RALLY AT SITE OF WOUNDED KNEE MASSACRE

(Wounded Knee Creek, SD) In the days following the Trump Administration's rare retreat from hosting its first 2020 campaign rally in Tulsa, OK, on June 19th, another event has been cancelled: a Washington Redskins practice day and Presidential appearance in South Dakota. Planning for the little known and very rare event began early in the forty-fifth President's term. While at one point Donald Trump had been a Buffalo Bills fan, even having unsuccessfully bid on buying the team in 2014, he has been heard saying, "What could be more American than the Redskins? I love them. They play right here in DC."
When asked why his administration had put pressure on the team to schedule a practice at the site of the Wounded Knee Massacre, a spokesperson responded, "We just, you know, sort of picked a place. It could have been anywhere. Look, Democrats are trying to make this out to be something that it isn't. They're trying to make it seem like this administration is somehow racist. That's just not true. No one loves inju- Native Americans as much as Donald Trump. Everyone knows that."
The Presidential Rally in Tulsa, the site of one of the single worst episodes in the nation's history with violence against minorities, was called a racist dog whistle by some critics, claiming that it was a (barely) tacit overture to white supremacists and other Donald Trump supporters. The location was not the only thing seen as problematic. This is especially true as protests and riots have, once again, ripped the nation apart along racial lines.
June 19th, or "Juneteenth," commemorates the day that the last slaves in the United States were freed from Galveston, TX, a full two months after the end of the Civil War. Again, critics of the President and his administration were quick to jump on this as problematic. In an unexpected turn of events, many of the President's supporters also claimed to have struggled with the timing of the campaign event.
"When we say, 'Make America Great Again, we mean it. There was a time when America was great. That time was basically right up until January 1st, 1863. We could own people. There's a reason that every time I tell some snowflake that he's gay for thinking that blue lives don't matter, I can say that I 'owned' him. It's a reference to when America wasn't courting Communism. Free Market - that's Capitalism - means that I can own people, sell smallpox blankets to the savages, whatever. That was when America was great. Juneteenth is a reference to the end of that glorious time. Seriously, and they wanted to have an event on that day? It's like a slap in the face. Now, we're getting back there. Corporate tax cuts mean that we can bring people to homelessness and starvation while making money on their labor and underpaying them in ways that are basically laughable, but can we own them? Actually own their physical personages? No. Not yet. When we're there, we'll be Great, again," commented an anonymous Donald Trump supporter and white nationalist, going by Tonald Drump, jr.
He went on to say, "Now, a bunch of namby pamby middle of the road folks are going to see this stuff as bad. So, you gotta do your time. Gotta play nice. They'll see how much better this is for everyone - it's the natural order of things. Well, we had to postpone the rally. We had to cancel the Redskins event. It's a shame. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a professional football team to play in South Dakota? I mean, yeah, it's the Redskins, so they barely qualify, but still."
When asked about future events, Drump laughed, saying, "Yeah, try and find a date and place in the entire United States that isn't the site or anniversary of something we did to black or brown or red or yellow people. You won't."
Drump went onto speak about the superiority of the white race while unwittingly being the best argument against any and all of his own statements.

NATION'S POLICE WIN FULL CUSTODY OF CONFEDERATE MONUMENTS IN DIVORCE FROM USA

(Crudite, AK) "Now, I am tellin' you; hand to the almighty heavenly Father that not all cops are racist," stated Chief Frank "The Law" Beauregard, of the Crudite, AK Police Department. "And, keeping my hand to the Holy Trinity in heaven above, we are going to find those disloyal sumbitches and drum e'ry last one of 'em out of the department!"
Beauregard's comments came days after the divorce settlement between the United States of America and its police departments became final. The United States of America won back its use of the words, "liberty," "freedom," and "justice," with a conditional settlement that might remand those actual concepts to the care of the United Nations, while the nation's police departments were able to keep 1,503 statues, plaques, and other monuments to the Confederacy. Additionally, the departments were awarded the entire DVD boxed set of Fox's TV show, "COPS." Custody of the song "Bad Boys," by reggae band, "Inner Circle," was awarded jointly.
Having grown, arguably, out of the Philadelphia Police Department, which traces its history back to 1663, the US Marshals (1791), the US Secret Service (1865), and several organizations employed to combat unions and catch runaway slaves, US law enforcement agencies have a long history of scuffles with the American public, often with minorities at the forefront.
"Well, we love the American public," said Beauregard. "We do. Just, sometimes, well, sometimes they just get us so mad, you know? Like, our job is to protect people's property - property, you with me? Nine tenths of the laws is possession, right? So, then, they get so upset when we crack a few heads here and there, trying to show people that the possession of rights are for the people who have them. So, you know how the public is... they get angry and upset. They protest. And, well, we just gotta come back at them with APC's, tear gas, and rubber bullets. I mean, they know it's going to happen, but they do it anyway. Deep down, I think they liked it."
The country's divorce from its police departments has left many wondering, how will police departments cope? What will they do? Where will they go?
"We'll, uh, we'll be fine. We just gotta, you know, work on ourselves a bit," Beauregard replied. The nation's police departments have checked into the Econolodge by the airport. "We still got all them Confederate monuments, you know, so that's something. Maybe, we can charge admission to see them. Lots of Trump supporters would to see 'em. Yeah, I think... I think we're gonna be okay."
When asked what the United States of America would do about violent crime, the nearly 244 year-old nation replied, "Well, I'm not totally sure, but I've got about 115 billion dollars more to work on that every year. Plus, I've been talking to, well, you know just talking to Iceland, Ireland, New Zealand, Norway, the United Kingdom - they have cops who aren't armed. Can you imagine? How crazy would that be? I know, I know, take things a bit at a time, right? Well, I am, I am - I just gotta get out there, you know?"