(Crudite, AK) "Now, I am tellin' you; hand to the almighty heavenly Father that not all cops are racist," stated Chief Frank "The Law" Beauregard, of the Crudite, AK Police Department. "And, keeping my hand to the Holy Trinity in heaven above, we are going to find those disloyal sumbitches and drum e'ry last one of 'em out of the department!"Beauregard's comments came days after the divorce settlement between the United States of America and its police departments became final. The United States of America won back its use of the words, "liberty," "freedom," and "justice," with a conditional settlement that might remand those actual concepts to the care of the United Nations, while the nation's police departments were able to keep 1,503 statues, plaques, and other monuments to the Confederacy. Additionally, the departments were awarded the entire DVD boxed set of Fox's TV show, "COPS." Custody of the song "Bad Boys," by reggae band, "Inner Circle," was awarded jointly.
Having grown, arguably, out of the Philadelphia Police Department, which traces its history back to 1663, the US Marshals (1791), the US Secret Service (1865), and several organizations employed to combat unions and catch runaway slaves, US law enforcement agencies have a long history of scuffles with the American public, often with minorities at the forefront.
"Well, we love the American public," said Beauregard. "We do. Just, sometimes, well, sometimes they just get us so mad, you know? Like, our job is to protect people's property - property, you with me? Nine tenths of the laws is possession, right? So, then, they get so upset when we crack a few heads here and there, trying to show people that the possession of rights are for the people who have them. So, you know how the public is... they get angry and upset. They protest. And, well, we just gotta come back at them with APC's, tear gas, and rubber bullets. I mean, they know it's going to happen, but they do it anyway. Deep down, I think they liked it."
The country's divorce from its police departments has left many wondering, how will police departments cope? What will they do? Where will they go?
"We'll, uh, we'll be fine. We just gotta, you know, work on ourselves a bit," Beauregard replied. The nation's police departments have checked into the Econolodge by the airport. "We still got all them Confederate monuments, you know, so that's something. Maybe, we can charge admission to see them. Lots of Trump supporters would to see 'em. Yeah, I think... I think we're gonna be okay."
When asked what the United States of America would do about violent crime, the nearly 244 year-old nation replied, "Well, I'm not totally sure, but I've got about 115 billion dollars more to work on that every year. Plus, I've been talking to, well, you know just talking to Iceland, Ireland, New Zealand, Norway, the United Kingdom - they have cops who aren't armed. Can you imagine? How crazy would that be? I know, I know, take things a bit at a time, right? Well, I am, I am - I just gotta get out there, you know?"
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