AREA MAN ALREADY DECIDING WHAT NEIGHBORS TO SHOOT FIRST IN COMING CIVIL WAR

 

Drugar's palpable joy at his solemn duty of potentially killing the neighbors he deems "enemies of the state"

(Glandred, VA) As tensions ramp up to the most divisive election in recent US history, the public is bracing for whatever may happen next: a peaceful transition of power, rioting and protesting, or even a potential civil war. While most respondents to polls about the uncertainty of next week's vote counts and their corresponding effects have been metered, even grim, a small but terrifying minority has spoken in ineptly guarded tones of optimism with an eye to the potential for ensuing violence and mayhem.

"Them Johnsons down the street," said Bill Drugar of Glandred, VA, "They got their stupid Biden/Harris sign out there, like they ain't never read my blog about Crossfire Hurricane or nothin'! You know that they'll be supporting this coup - that's what it is, it's a red fascist communist Khmer Rouge coup - they'll be wavin' flags and cheerin' when Biden steals the election from Donald Trump."

The fifty-three year-old eBay merchant took a break from loading the various firearms he owns and maintains in his two bedroom house to depict a dire scene of rejoicing and celebration on the part of his Democratic neighbors. "But, I'll tell you what though," he stroked the barrel of one of the many firearms on hand, phallically, and continued. "When Trump calls us to action to take back this country, Old Betsy - that's my Bushmaster right here - I named her after Davy Crockett's gun - she's gonna have her say. And, I can't wait to notch me up some traitors. I seen the Goodes down the hill from here with a Black Lives Matter sign at the bottom of their driveway. You know they're just waiting for a chance to loot and riot and rape. Antifa insanity. Well, let's see 'em try to loot and rape me."

When asked about whether or not his probable first targets for insurrection were in any way actually violent or threatening, Drugar had this to say:

"I mean, if they support a guy who's planning to steal the Presidency, who knows what they'll do? They probably only have, like, maybe, one gun per household, but I think I can take care of 'em." Appearing out of breath and salivating visibly, Drugar added, "Yeah, I can take care of 'em. I'll get 'em."

The aforementioned neighbors, the Johnsons and Goodes, were horrified to learn about Drugar's thoughts but each family revealed plans to leave later today on road trips to familial residences in Seattle, WA and Augusta, ME, respectively, on election night and a full quarantine period afterwards.

"We don't have any guns," said Davis Johnson, "There's a two year-old and a five year-old living here. Guns? Revolution? That man is sick. He's sick."

These sentiments were echoed by Georgina Goode, who pointed out that they have never been anything but civil toward Mr. Drugar, despite his repeated and progressively more abrasive attempts to force them to read his blog, "ThePattriotsPrid."

"I think he thinks that spelling is a form of tyranny," she said. "The guy is coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs."

According to recent polls, fewer than .001% of the general public is "certain that a Biden victory will lead to civil war," but no respondent within that group could conceal their excitement about that prospect.

WORLD APPROACHING SINGULARITY OF META-STUPEFACTION

 

See affiliate sites for NSFW naked singularity

(Everywhere) - From Brooklyn to Belfast, from the Serengeti to the Sierra Madres humanity has been caught off guard by 2020. Antiscientific sentiment, superstitious religious belief, ethnocentrism, and national exceptionalism are rampant in a world that, just a few years prior, had been seeing some of its most hopeful advances in terms of progressive behavior. However, with a species that has regularly used discovery and innovation that could have been marshalled against threats like ignorance and famine to create short-lived capitalist windfalls, the biggest surprise is that it is still a surprise.

"I've been studying humanity for more than forty years," said Dr. Anderson McIver, a Harvard-based anthropologist. "We really ought to be better than this. But, I suppose on an existential level, we're just not. You want to keep hoping - even the most pessimistic among us do. It just seems natural that a species - any species - wants its offspring to survive, we want our genetic code, our ideas, our culture, our ideas to survive us. We want humanity, on some level, to survive. But... then, we spend billions of dollars so that young men can give each other concussions on a sports field and kill each other in battle, but the coffers are empty when it comes to fighting disease. Why? Thanatophilia? Could it be?"

According to NYU psychologist, Dr. T.H. Washington, "It doesn't make a lot of sense that people are still so stupefied by the surprises in 2020. Awful things happen. Yes. But, then they happen again? Well certainly. The best predictor to whether or not something can happen is to ask whether or not it has happened before. It's not a direct corollary to ask whether or not simply because something bad has happened more bad things will follow, but, really, why wouldn't more bad things continue happening? Phenomena like semantic saturation show the human psyche's resistance to the repetition of reactions. It stands to reason that we'd lose our sense of amazement at the terrible things that keep happening. We don't though. We keep thinking that bad things won't happen. If nothing else we should stop being surprised at our own surprise. But, we don't even get that. It creates a feedback loop of being shocked."

"For instance, if Donald Trump fired the entirety of the US nuclear arsenal at the remaining polar ice caps, most people would be shocked. Why? Why would we be surprised? And then, why would we be surprised that we were surprised? Can a person even be surprised that they're surprised that they're surprised? We're reaching new levels of stupefaction at our stupefaction every day. It the kind of meta that can't keep going forever. At a certain point, we'll be at singularity, every bit of kinetic energy devoted to shock that we're still shocked. At a certain point, we'll-"

NTH LAW OF THERMODYNAMICS APPLIED TO US POLITICAL SYSTEM

 

Functioning within the confines of the current system, we cannot change the current system

(USA) - With record-shattering turnout at early voting, US voters are trying to be very clear about their political preferences this year. After 2016's political upset, many polling statisticians and media pundits are being more careful about their predictions. A different kind of poll, however, was conducted by the Big Tobacco, and the results were surprising. As divided as the American public is on a number of topics, there is agreement on at least one.

"Oh yeah, this system is totally f***ed," said John Mews of Franklingtonville, CT. "Two parties? It's a joke. Shame you can't, like, vote on getting a third party in. The two that are there will just say, 'no.' Biden's garbage, but, like, Trump's going to take away my neighbor's right to marry."

"I mean, Trump's a real piece of s***," commented Billy Hunt of Samill, AL. "But, Biden? Come on. Crossfire Hurricane. Abuse of power. I just wish that the current system would let us do something about... you know... the current system."

As strange as it might seem, physicists - not political scientists - have figured out why this is happening.

"Well, it's just thermodynamics, isn't it?" posited Dr. Sheena Bouleware of University of Oregon. "Everything tends toward disorder. The more order you try to create, in doing so, you just create even more disorder. The problem with US politics is simply that it's a closed system. You cannot change the system from within the system because if you vote third party, you've wasted your time. If you vote for either of the two major parties, it's giving explicit approval to the powers that be. You cannot break even within the system because any vote you cast is reinforcing the status quo - just like the taxes you pay, helping to Yemeni kids into craters and allowing Israel to build settlements on top of the corpses of Palestinian widows. You cannot escape the system because our policies are everywhere and influencing everything. So, yeah, thermodynamics is in play within US politics. What, you think evolutionary biologists are going to tell you that humanity is going to live forever? Go ahead. Talk to them. I may be boring, but those guys are depressing as hell."

99.8% of registered voters that the Big Tobacco polled claimed that the political situation was hopeless, confirming Dr. Bouleware's sentiments. The remaining 0.2% were too busy foaming at the mouth and screaming unintelligibly. Oddly enough, it seemed to be mostly adverbs.

"Oh, right, we've got a democracy founded on the constitution," continued John Mews. "We can't just change things on a whim without revolution, and, I'm sorry, but I've got a mortgage. I'm fifty-one. I can't just do a revolution."

His comment was echoed by his counterpart, Mr. Hunt:

"I just wish we could do something about all this garbage. Democrats just want to burn the system down, but that's because they hate America. How can they just get rid of all of this heritage? Shame it came down to Trump."

INACTIVE SHOOTERS DEMAND THAT SCHOOLS RETURN TO FACE-TO-FACE INSTRUCTION

(United States) With only one school shooting in the fall semester as of October 7th, 2020, many teachers, students, parents, concerned citizens, and armed insane people are beginning to wonder if school shootings will be yet another casualty of a pandemic that has lasted the better part of a year.

"It used to be that by October, we were looking at a dozen or so incidents of gun violence within classrooms or at least educational buildings," says Eric Michaels of the FBI's school shooting task force. "This year, there's been one. Obviously, it's because there are so few schools that have returned to in person instruction."

Though this is one small benefit of keeping students virtual, there have been critics. Mr. Denholme Rutger of Pallahawny, MI believes that keeping students out of buildings may have deleterious societal effects. He spoke to our correspondent via video feed from a compound beyond, in his words, "the prying eyes of the law."

"A year ago, if you had a grievance against the government or Islam or women or someone, and you weren't getting heard, and it got bad enough, you could just shoot a bunch of people, and bam! provided that you were white, they'd arrest you and talk about how troubled you were. If it was particularly necessary that you be heard, you could take up your grievances with the schoolboard... So to speak. Now with COVID, that avenue of self expression is gone. It's unconscionable. How are people supposed to terrorize the populace if they're not worried about their kids being in school? Politicians should be worried about this. Their places of residence are generally public knowledge. They should be very, very concerned."

 

COVID-19 TESTS POSITIVE FOR DONALD TRUMP

You're Tired

(Donald Trump's Body) - After having taken the lives of over a million people worldwide, the novel coronavirus, known as COVID-19 has been diagnosed with an infection of Donald Trump. It is unknown how the forty-fifth President of the United States will affect the virus, but scientists worry about the potential compound effect of infection in the human population. There is a possibility of a spike later in this fall, if Americans do not inoculate against the President by November 3rd.

It is believed that the President infected the coronavirus in any of the dozens of various occasions when he was not wearing a mask in public, mocking the wearing of masks, calling the democratic response to the virus a hoax, and not issuing a nationwide mask mandate. The fallout of this has caused nearly every sovereign state on the planet to close borders and ports of call with the United States.

"We've got coronavirus," said Justin Trudeau. "We don't need Trump in here, too. Please, citizens of the United States, do the reasonable thing and vote for the viable candidate who wears a mask in public. Please, vote for the candidate who hasn't been courting supporters by hosting enormous events that flout mask laws from local government."

Leaders around the world echoed the sentiment with the exception of Vladimir Putin, who released this message to the UN:

It would be unbelievable that prejudice of this sort is aimed at the current President of the United States, but it is the history of the international community to be entrenched against pathogens. Why? We have plenty of other weapons. I would like to use this opportunity to call on the global community to end the prejudice against biowarfare weapons. We can end this together.

The President made some remarks from Walter Reed Medical Center, but our editor was unable to find enough pairable subjects and predicates to make a full statement.