CORPORATIONS TO AMERICAN PUBLIC, "THINK OF US LIKE THE FAMILY YOU USED TO HAVE BECAUSE YOU KILLED THEM WITH CORONAVIRUS."

 

Family members wondering who will volunteer as tribute

(United States of America) In years prior to 2020, there was an implicit understanding that corporations valued money over human life. From lobbyists putting pressure on the government to deregulate consumer protections to the offshoring of factories to skirt labor laws, anyone paying attention to the rampant malfeasance in and beyond US borders would have expected companies to tacitly ignore potential human suffering in favor of the almighty dollar. This year, however, many businesses are taking a different approach.

"A lot of people are going to ignore safety regulations and do really insanely stupid things because they've always done them that way," says Larry Broffield, CFO of Brandilever Holdings, LLC. "And, we want them to know that when those things cause their family members to die of COVID-19, we will be there for them. Retail therapy, aromatherapy candles, marketed self-care, and, of course, comfort food and booze. Who eats their feelings? America does."

With the rapid expansion of internet retail during the pandemic and many cities reinstating lockdowns and restrictions on occupancy, it would stand to reason that retailers would want to push consumers to online sales. Some businesses have done exactly this. However, others are not satisfied with this departure from the typical Black Friday sales.

"People act a lot less rationally when there are sales on the line. You ever see someone buy something simply because they thought that they were getting a really good deal? If you think you haven't, you are either a ghost, a blind person, or someone who lives so far off the grid that you're not going to be reading this anyway. Human beings are fundamentally stupid creatures. We know that safety is good. We know that corporations are out to get our money. We know that we don't need a sixty inch TV to survive. But, we also are willing to jeopardize not just our safety but that of those around us, including our loved ones, just to fill an abstract need. It's insane. Our society treats drug addicts like they're walking garbage, but when you're watching Nana slip away from you on Google Meets because you just had to have a PS5 earlier and for less than your neighbor, you tell me that you acted sanely," commented the Grim Reaper. "Yeah, so, this is all fine by me. It's job security for my day job. And, something no one ever tells you, I'm on the Board of Directors for, like, all these companies. If they ever come after me for a corporate conflict of interest, I'm screwed. But, whatever, I don't need the money anyway. Then again, none of them really do."

Corporate America is already anticipating a need for clothes, make up, online therapy classes, new varieties of macaroni and cheese, wine, sympathy cards, and Netflix shows to binge while weeping over the loss of people who could have been saved if we had just been a little bit less greedy.

AMUSED BY GIULIANI'S HAIR DYE, PUBLIC MISSES DANGEROUS FRAUD CLAIMS

 

Member of Team Claiming that Joe Biden Suffers from Dementia

(Washington, DC) - On Thursday, President Donald Trump's lawyer, Rudy Giuliani held a press conference at the RNC headquarters, blasting the media coverage of the legal team's attempts to overturn election results. Echoing conspiracy theory after conspiracy theory, the former mayor of New York City charged that American votes were being counted overseas, ballots were being printed and dropped off by the truckload on election night, the company responsible for the technology incorporated into the voting machines has (present tense) close ties to dead Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, there were ballot overcounts for in various states, Republican observers were held in pens during the counting process, and the evidence of this was in affidavits that his legal team has.

Additionally, his perspiration caused hair dye to leak down the sides of his head, causing levity in the mass of American public, who apparently did not hear the insane claims that the man was making, in an attempt to overturn a semi-democratic election. In a direct response to reports that his legal team had no evidence, Giuliani produced a sworn affidavit, contesting that the woman who had filed it would have no reason to lie about what she had sworn under oath, apparently missing the variety of reasons that anyone with a brain could produce. The legal team echoed his claims with impassioned and often indignant claims of their own, knowing full well that they could say just about anything because the lion's share of press coverage would be devoted the hair dye, leaking down the sides of the head of the head of the legal team.

"I could have told people that Donald Trump is a hologram and that he was generated by the prayers of evangelicals who don't actually believe in god," said Sidney Powell. "No one was going to hear a damn word of it. Did you see how Jenna kept smirking through the whole conference? That was because we knew that this was win-win. You've heard that there's no such thing as bad press? That goes double in law. If they had video tape of Donald Trump raping a puppy, shouting nuclear codes into a conference call with Vladimir Putin, and we defended him, we could get jobs at any legal firm in the country. The thing with Giuliani's hair dye? Even better. We get credit for the defense, the public gets distracted by a big, fat nothing burger, and Jenna and I laugh all the way to the bank."

When asked for further commentary, Eliss and Powell said that they were late for an appointment with Lucifer, the Prince of Darkness.

ACTUAL LIBERALS UNCERTAIN OF WHEN TO START TALKING ABOUT REAL CHANGE AGAIN

 

"We need to talk about the Electoral College."

(United States of America) With the announcement that Joe Biden is the projected winner of the 2020 Presidential race, many across the globe are sighing with relief that Donald Trump has not been elected to a second term. While the President angrily takes to Twitter, and Democrats are posting Gritty memes all over social media, actual liberals are all wondering, "When can we start talking with centrists about change that will actually mean something?"

"I can't wait to return to the firebrand level of progressivism circa 2012," said Ashton Greene, of Charleston, SC. The twenty-eight year-old systems administrator rolled his eyes. "You know Biden is going to be fine with the electoral college because it elected him. That makes it fair, you know? Like, he's probably already forgotten that all of us were biting our nails when he was up by almost four million votes, and it still wasn't a done deal. Like, that's just stupid. And the Supreme Court? They could still overturn Roe v. Wade. Under. Their. Noses. But, you can't say anything like right now. You just can't."

Greene's friends were dancing in the street, participating in socially distant backyard celebrations, and blaring songs like, "Philadelphia Freedom" and "YMCA" from their car stereos. Half-heartedly, the former Bernie Sanders supporter joined in but was largely without comment.

"Biden doesn't even really support universal healthcare, and, I mean, he's stepped away from the Hyde amendment, but he wasn't always so left of right, if you get what I'm saying. Oh yeah, and his version of the Green New Deal? I'm not holding my breath," said Farah Charles of Newport, CT. "They've already, to all appearances, frozen out anyone that might actually be progressive from cabinet positions. It's same shit, different day for the establishment."

Greene and Charles are not the only one doubting the Biden presidency.

"We've been standing back and standing by, Mr. President," says John Lucas, a militiaman in North Dakota. "I think the system is broken, and I am ready to help."

Visibly disturbed by the equivalency, Mr. Greene pointed out, "Look, I'm in favor of revolution, but, uh, not with those guys. They're, uh, more for like a fascist coup?"

"Oh, yeah, that guy?" said Lucas, "I'm probably going to shoot him before I gun down anyone for the President."

George Soros could not be reached for comment.

DEMOCRATS STEAL ELECTION!!!

 

Evidence of democratic election theft

(Washington, DC) On November 3rd, more than seventy million Americans cast legal ballots for President Donald Trump. However, almost four million more Americans cast votes for former Vice President Joe Biden in an attempt to steal the highest office in the land and give it back to the people. While the attack on the real estate mogul, turned reality television star, turned politician is shocking, it is far from unprecedented.

"They always try to tear me down," said President Trump. "It's like these people don't even want me to continue on as President. I am doing a great job, though. All of the people I've paid to tell me that I am doing a great job they say, 'Donald, we love you. You're doing a fantastic- an awesome - you're doing the best job ever!' Tremendous job they say. And, I am... the job I'm doing? Yeah, we're going to keep doing this great job. So great. No one would vote for anyone else; it's not sane. So, that's how you can tell that these votes are fraudulent: they're the ones that people supposedly cast for anyone but me. Oh, and Kanye - those votes... he can have a few... his votes, I guess, I mean, they're probably real, right? Yeah, those are real. Love you Yeezus. See? He's a black, and he ran against me, and we're still friends. It's fine. That's how real democracy works: you run against people who like you, they get a nod from a few of their fans, and everyone goes back to normal. The idea that seventy-four million Americans would come out, risk COVID, and cast votes against me just doesn't add up. It just doesn't. The only way that this could happen is if Joe Biden stole the election from me. So, that's what it is. Stolen. Illegitimate. My sons told me I won - how could they... They wouldn't. My boys are straight arrows; ask anyone. Everyone knows in their hearts that they voted... they all voted for me. You know it, I know it, Herman Cain, looking down from wherever black people go when they die - he knows it, too."

After several of his aides wrestled the microphones from President Trump's grasp and pulled him off stage, screams could be heard about QAnon, Hillary Clinton, 5G, and something about Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi's baby is Hitler before he goes back in time to cancel America for white people.

Sources inside the White House have leaked that close associates of the President plan to take him on a nice golfing vacation to Mara Lago, medically induce a very long nap, and when the President wakes up, not acknowledge that he was ever President, chalking all of his memories up to a strange dream.

"We've actually been working on this for a while," explained Jared Kushner. "When he was threatening Kim Jeong Eun with a 'bigger button' we actually put together a whole bunch of contingencies that essentially made it look like North Korea had actually been blown up and victory parades were being held in DC. Those special effects guys are wizards. They're absolute wizards. Putting the President into a sort of curated fantasy world has been out job from the get-go. A few of us got together before the election and sort of said, 'all right, if he loses this thing, who's going to tell him? Not me. Not you? Okay then, let's just cut out the middle man and stick him in a place where he thinks everything is going his way.' We toyed with the idea of virtual reality for a while, but it just didn't stand up."

After being denied a second chance to upbraid the American public on television, the President took to social media Tweeting, "We're bringing in fake vote sniffing dogs!" "YOU DON'T DESERVE ME!" and "IF YOU TAKE ME OUT OF POWER, YOU'LL NEVER FIND OUT WHAT COVFEFE MEANS!!!"