CORPORATIONS TO AMERICAN PUBLIC, "THINK OF US LIKE THE FAMILY YOU USED TO HAVE BECAUSE YOU KILLED THEM WITH CORONAVIRUS."

 

Family members wondering who will volunteer as tribute

(United States of America) In years prior to 2020, there was an implicit understanding that corporations valued money over human life. From lobbyists putting pressure on the government to deregulate consumer protections to the offshoring of factories to skirt labor laws, anyone paying attention to the rampant malfeasance in and beyond US borders would have expected companies to tacitly ignore potential human suffering in favor of the almighty dollar. This year, however, many businesses are taking a different approach.

"A lot of people are going to ignore safety regulations and do really insanely stupid things because they've always done them that way," says Larry Broffield, CFO of Brandilever Holdings, LLC. "And, we want them to know that when those things cause their family members to die of COVID-19, we will be there for them. Retail therapy, aromatherapy candles, marketed self-care, and, of course, comfort food and booze. Who eats their feelings? America does."

With the rapid expansion of internet retail during the pandemic and many cities reinstating lockdowns and restrictions on occupancy, it would stand to reason that retailers would want to push consumers to online sales. Some businesses have done exactly this. However, others are not satisfied with this departure from the typical Black Friday sales.

"People act a lot less rationally when there are sales on the line. You ever see someone buy something simply because they thought that they were getting a really good deal? If you think you haven't, you are either a ghost, a blind person, or someone who lives so far off the grid that you're not going to be reading this anyway. Human beings are fundamentally stupid creatures. We know that safety is good. We know that corporations are out to get our money. We know that we don't need a sixty inch TV to survive. But, we also are willing to jeopardize not just our safety but that of those around us, including our loved ones, just to fill an abstract need. It's insane. Our society treats drug addicts like they're walking garbage, but when you're watching Nana slip away from you on Google Meets because you just had to have a PS5 earlier and for less than your neighbor, you tell me that you acted sanely," commented the Grim Reaper. "Yeah, so, this is all fine by me. It's job security for my day job. And, something no one ever tells you, I'm on the Board of Directors for, like, all these companies. If they ever come after me for a corporate conflict of interest, I'm screwed. But, whatever, I don't need the money anyway. Then again, none of them really do."

Corporate America is already anticipating a need for clothes, make up, online therapy classes, new varieties of macaroni and cheese, wine, sympathy cards, and Netflix shows to binge while weeping over the loss of people who could have been saved if we had just been a little bit less greedy.