AREA MAN HOSPITALIZED DUE TO SINCERITY DEFICIENCY

It's wonderful. (He means it's obviously terrible.)

(Greensboro, NC) - As misinformation reaches peak saturation levels on the internet, humanity has struggled to keep up with this fundamental change in how we communicate. Much of what one is likely to find on the internet is intentionally false with the intent to mislead, false with the intent to entertain, ignorant of facts, open to interpretation, and/or steampunk. This, coupled with a desire to avoid error and humiliation, is shaping human behavior in ways that are astounding linguists, sociologists, and now, medical doctors.

This past Thursday, Justin Lachowiez was admitted to Moses Cone hospital with what neurologists are referring to as "Poe's Law Syndrome."

"Mr. Lachowiez is unable to make truthful statements. Everything he says is some shade of sarcasm. It's amazing; I've never seen anything like it," says Dr. Stewart Washington, an NYU neurolinguistics expert, who is researching the phenomenon. "You can tell that he truly wants to say things that are accurate, but his mind has been so conditioned through social carrots and sticks that he cannot utter a single sincere statement. It's not difficult at all to see how this happens. Take a look on any internet message board or listen to any group of people talking in a restaurant. We use sarcasm to test the waters, as a parachute if we say something unacceptable, to defuse tension... we use it for so many things that it has replaced everything in our linguistic toolbox, so to speak. Well, if we feed certain neural pathways, those things can become compulsions. Strong aversions to words or idiomatic habits are commonplace due to societal pressures and habitual speech. It's so severe in this patient that it has completely rewired the portion of his brain called Wernicke's Area, and it is responsible for language. You can see the result."

"I'm totally fine," said Lachowiez. "Tooootally fine. Don't need to be in this place at all. Nothing serious here."

"It's likely that the patient was cowed into this by being unable to express himself for fear of ridicule, while being rewarded with laughter for making his sincerest statements sound like jokes. The dual effect of this is disastrous for an individual, but if you look at the way that we are behaving as a culture, it cannot come as any surprise," continued Dr. Washington.

A representative from Moses Cone Hospital did point out, with Mr. Lachowiez's implied approval, that the admittance form for his entrance into the facility was actually for blunt force trauma to the head that the patient received when he told his girlfriend how excited he was to hang out with her family this coming weekend.

FORMER PRESIDENT OBAMA INHABITS AMAZON CEO'S BODY TO BREAK LAWS IN THE PAST

 

Well now, this is confusing.

(It's Complicated) - Corroborating the long held suspicions of people who would do anything to double down on having voted for or supported former President Donald Trump, a new conspiracy has made its way into the public sphere. Having noted the resemblance between the Trump campaign's inaugural committee chairman, Thomas Barrack, and Jeff Bezos, people have begun to speculate that while reportedly in space, the former Amazon CEO actually went into the past to break lobbying laws on behalf of the United Arab Emirates, in order to further soil the (otherwise spotless) reputation of the forty-fifth President.

Also because of the spelling similarity between Barrack's surname and the given name of the forty-fourth President, the conjecture has added that, because Bezos was purportedly in space recently, perhaps former President Barack (not Barrack) Obama was able to possess the body of the billionaire. Many (more than you would guess) believe that targeting Donald Trump was the entire goal of the Obama administration. For instance, the absolutely concrete evidence of YouTubers and Men in Trucks With iPhones has shown beyond a shadow of a doubt that Donald Trump was able to prove that Barack Obama's birth certificate was inauthentic and a plot of Satan.

"Bezos was in space," remarked Chris Foster of Tampa Bay, FL. "You know the kind of crazy stuff that happens up there? Watch a movie, man. Stuff's insane. Do I believe that Obama's spirit entered Bezos' physical body so that they could go back in time and do stuff that would mess with the Trump campaign? The better question is do you not-not unbelieve it?"

Allen Buell, an ethanol processing companion of Foster's, had this to add:

"It's so obvious. It's, like, a vulgar display of power. The guy's name was supposedly 'Barrack;' it was totally a signal to the other time-travelling Satanists who are gearing up for Armageddon with Biden. Ever catch that about 46's name? It's 'Bye, then.' If that isn't a signal that the apocalypse is, like, here, then I don't know what is."

The Big Tobacco would like to issue a formal apology to anyone who has tried to piece this together; there was more to the conspiracy theory than this, but what few quarks remain from the ethics of journalism were enough to stop the publication of this sort of thing. We value your readership and hope to have better news to present to you soon.

2020 ELECTION CONSPIRACY THEORISTS NOW QUESTIONING FLORIDA CONDO DEATH COUNT

 

We each get one vote. "One" is a homophone for "won." Don't you get it!?

(Surfside, FL) - As the death count in the collapse of the Champlain Towers complex continues rose to 94 (as of this writing), many have seen the tragedy as a time to take stock of the nation's direction. President Joe Biden spoke to the Governor of Florida, Ron DeSantis and promised federal aid for the disaster.

"It's a tough, tough time," the president said. "There's so many people waiting. Are they alive? What will happen? And so, our heart goes out to them."

In the charged political climate of the United States, however, some of those who believe that Biden's election was not legitimate have been quick to draw parallels between the rise in vote tallies and the death count after the structure collapsed.

"Well, actually, it's really pretty obvious to anyone who's been paying attention," said Benny Woodruff of Winston-Salem, NC. "Think about it for a second, and I think you'll understand what I mean. Just, you know, think about it."

When asked for clarification, Woodruff scoffed, and continued, "How does a body count rise after the accident? Are people still dying in the collapse? No. The collapse happened, people died, but the numbers are still going up? That doesn't make any sense. It's just like when they were finding votes. And people want to come at Trump because he asked some Governors to find him votes. Well, duh! Biden and Harris didn't have to ask - they already had things locked down from the agents in the structures of power. And I bet you anything you want to bet that those who were in positions to be critical of what they were doing - you want to know who they're finding under the rubble in Florida? It's us. It's the people who knew about the corrupt Democrats. Every time they find a body under that mess, that means they've found, executed, and drained the blood of another truth-teller."

Woodruff continued to talk, but the Big Tobacco's correspondent had already gone away to his happy place, imagining that people like this didn't actually exist.

WORLD FEDERATION OF ENGINEERING ORGANIZATIONS: WE NEED TO EVACUATE THE PLANET

 

It'll all probably work out, most likely...

(Paris, France) - In the wake of a tragic condominium complex collapse in Florida, many in the United States are wondering how the catastrophe could have been avoided. Since the incident that has left more than twenty dead and over a hundred missing, information has surfaced indicating that warnings were ignored to calamitous effect. Meanwhile, a severe heatwave is scorching the western portion of the country, and many cities are reporting record-breaking temperatures.

The World Federation of Engineering Organizations has released as a statement with regard to the current state of the global climate crisis:

"We need to evacuate as soon as possible," said Dr. Rosalind Langlais of the WFEO. "Our politicians have failed to make the prevention of climate change a priority, and we are passing tipping points as quickly as we figure out what they are. Hope to avoid catastrophic change has passed, and we need to figure out a way to abandon the planet if we want to ensure the continued survival of the human race. At this point, inaction would be worse than suicidal; it would be tantamount to committing suicide by eating a poisoned version of your own will. It doesn't make any sense."

The UN seconded the need for action on the part of every nation. Globally, scientists have been calling for carbon taxes, commitments to solar and wind power, and new goals on the reduction of greenhouse gas emissions. But the United States of America, China, Israel, Russia, and the United Kingdom all said that they were 'busy,' and would make no other statements.

"You're not listening," said Dr. Langlais. "We're not saying that you need to act to prevent catastrophe; we're saying that it's too late. Humanity needs to evacuate from the Earth before our hens come home to roost. They already are, but by the time it's obvious as to what will happen, we'll be facing, perhaps not extinction, but a destruction of human society on a scale that's never happened before."

"The concerns of the WFEO are obviously worrisome," said President Biden. "We will start working on climate change immediately after we figure out bipartisanship, healthcare, immigration, infrastructure, civil rights, and why a raven is like a writing desk. We plan to take decisive action, as is the American way, when it works with what we've got going on. So, I'm thinking the third Tuesday after never?"

Dr. Langlais could not comment as her mouth was full of the revolver with which she was playing Russian roulette.

NEW TARGETED ADVERTISING COVERS UNCOMFORTABLE NEWS ITEMS

 

The news? The news is that this new Switch game rocks!

(The Internet) - Banner ads have been with many of us for as long as we have been on the internet. To most of us, they are, at worst, annoying and, at best, a diversion, inviting us to waste a few minutes or dollars on something we did not previously know we wanted or needed. Some noise has been made about whether or not user agreements to social media platforms have become nefarious incursions from capitalists, exploiting human nature to accrue vast sums of wealth.

"So what we were wondering was simply this: could we make a browser extension that makes banner ads work for you, the person browsing web pages or checking your e-mail?" asked Hank Szmanski. "What if we made the banner ad's power to distract a positive experience?"

Ostrych, a new browser extension from Szmanski's company PurCatory, promises to make the internet a more comfortable place for people who do not want to hear about the death and destruction so rampant in the news of late. Instead, it uses targeted marketing advertisements to cover up stories that the reader may find uncomfortable.

"Imagine, instead of hearing about another worker's strike being put down at the end of a truncheon, you get to see the stuff the workers were working on. Maybe, if you, the consumer, bought more things, they'd raise the wages of the workers. So, I like to think of this as a win-win. I mean, who wants to hear about a heatwave killing people off when you can learn about another documentary about the Fyre festival? We are consumers of information, and we don't want a stomach ache," commented the venture capitalist.

Critics of the idea have already taken to message boards. They had this to say: