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| This image was NOT AI generated. Really. |
(Washington, DC) Just days after the United States blocked a ceasefire resolution to help the embattled residents of Gaza, the Biden administration has decided to go ahead with a $106 million dollar sale of any chance that the current President will remain President after next year's election. Already, Biden's critics are blaming him for ongoing US involvement in Russia's war on the Ukraine. American Democrats, still trying to figure out if it can be considered antisemitic to cough in the presence of an Israeli, are conflicted about whether or not Palestinians should be alive.
"On the one hand, you've got this horrific attack by Hamas on October 7th," says Cory Booker, a democratic Senator from New Jersey. "On the other hand, you've got the real prospect of being called antisemitic by people if you say anything against the Israeli people. It might be tempting for us to come down on the side of, you know, not genocide, what with that being 'wrong' and all. But I want the soldiers in the IDF to know that I stand with them. I do. Right now, we're at almost 18,000 deaths there. That's more than ten times the number of people that the Hamas attack killed. I think we can do better. I think we can hit 30,000."
Donald Trump weighed in against his assumed contender for the Presidency in 2024, saying this:
Look, Biden's weak. We all know it. We all know it. He's weak on Ukraine. Weak on Russia. Weak on his son's laptop. He's just weak and feeble and an election stealer. If I were President, there wouldn't even be a Gaza. I'd have armed the Israelis so well that if Hezbollah so much as farted in their direction, we'd be looking at a parking lot clear to the ocean. That's right folks: one big, beautiful parking lot for a mall. Piles of skeletons underneath, but you can't see skeletons under a parking lot. You can't. And so, this is how it goes, ladies and gentlemen, weak Biden with his under 20k corpses in Gaza. Bibi, you know me. You know I wanted you to beat those corruption charges without having to let Hummus take a pot shot at your people. And what is Hummus anyway? Chickpeas, folks. That's what it is: chickpeas. These chicks, with their peas, they're trying to take away our kids' sports, folks. You know that? It's true. They're trying to put men in our kids sports. Transage-ist they're calling it.
The comment lingered on with nothing more comprehensible. Trump supporters were quick to point out the aging current President's purported declining mental stability.
When reached for comment, President Biden's administration released this statement:
Due to the horrific nature of the attack on October 7th, the United States is standing by Israel, our ally, no matter what may occur. Whether that be the destruction of an entire people, the reviling of our country by the entire international community, or me, losing the Presidency next year because no one who believes that the residents of Gaza are human beings will vote for me now. We are committed. We are supporting our ally, even if it ends up being our last one left. President Zelensky, I wish you good luck. You're going to need it. We have a newer, easier enemy to fight. This battle is one we can win.
The sale of the Presidency will net Israel much needed tank ammunition as it takes on more and more buildings, children without shoes, and-
[Message cut off due to Patriot Act 2.0, clause XV: Any US resident speaking ill of US involvement in any overseas operation, military or civilian, will be subject to immediate internment and interrogation.]
Writers for the Big Tobacco were asked for comment, but they were too busy doing this:
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| Radical dude! We're waterboarding in Guantanamo Bay! |
