Thomasville, NC - Local resident, Billy Tiffin, has recently come forward with groundbreaking intelligence of vital import to the international intelligence community. He revealed intimate and sensitive knowledge of various Muslims around the world. While not having cited any source for this information, Tiffin has released some grave news about patrons of the world's fastest growing religion:
"I kin tell you raht now - they up in them caves an' differ'nt places, plannin' for another 9/11. Sure they got ones'll pretend to be all nice and civilized, but next thing you know, it's Sheikh law in New York City. Ain't no such thing as an actual friendly Islam. They gon' come git us an' blow us up. You remember 9/11? Seems like most of y'all already plum forgot it."
Elements within the FBI and various other intelligence services declined to comment on Tiffin's claims about "Islams," other than to say, "You've got to be kidding me," and "who is printing this idiot's actual words?"
Tiffin's neighbors have corroborated his claims and rebutted those made by the FBI. Delila Good, a local hair dresser and Tiffin's next door neighbor, has posited that there are hostile elements within the government:
"You know you can't trust them FBI people. Barack Hussein Obama left a bunch of them - whaddya call 'em - sleeper cells in the gov'n'mint. They tryin' make things difficult for our real commander and chief, Mr. Donald Trump. You seen the news, aintcha? They drummin' up all this hogwash about Russia and this, that'n'somethin' else. That's just to keep us distractit from, you know, what's really goin' on."
When asked to comment further, Tiffin interrupted to point out a more shocking revelation: an inherent link within the human mind - every human mind on Earth - to the will and desires of "Islams":
"Oh come on now, they want that Sheikh law. You know that. Everyone knows'at! EVERYONE. You're jus' playin' dumb because you gotta for that, there liberal media. Know what that is? S'fake news! Donchu go 'round misquotin' me! Donchu dare! Make America Great Again!"
When asked for further comment on these discoveries, Tiffin and Good would only respond with chants of "U.S.A.," "Build the Wall," "Never Forgit," and "Make America Great Again."
