AREA MAN CONTEMPLATES WALKING BACK FLU CLAIMS WITH REGARD TO COVID-19

(Warington, MD) - Like many Americans, Joseph Franklin paid little attention to the coronavirus when it started making headlines. The fifty-one year-old management training administrator believed that the virus would succeed in frightening liberals and the same alarmists "who worry about global warming." As little as a week ago, Franklin posted several infographics comparing the mortality rate of the annual flu virus to that of COVID-19.
"This thing is like a cold and has been around for hundreds of years," he wrote on his Facebook account, "Don't listen to the fear mongers. They're just trying to distract us from how good a job the President is doing. No success in the impeachment trail [sic]? Got to have something to scare people away from the truth. Don't buy the hype, people."
This continued with Franklin's demand that his family not break tradition in their going to Applebee's last Friday for a family dinner. Nonplussed by the emptiness of the restaurant, he doubled down on his belief that there was nothing to worry about.
"You got to be kidding me," he told the waitress, Annette Jackson, as he gestured around at the empty booths. "What is the big hubbub about? Seriously? Everyone's going to be looking awful silly when they realize how this is just a big to do about nothing."
"He and his family come here pretty often," she later said, "And even though he's a lousy tipper and tells his wife what to order, I can't say anything to him about this stuff because, well, you just know this is the kind of guy who is going to go light on an already light tip because I didn't just immediately agree with him. So, yeah, I nodded and said something like, 'oh yeah, it's just crazy, you know?' Then, he got all smiley and pointed at me, and said, 'see? She gets it,' like that was some big accomplishment. I can't say I'm glad that they're basically laying everyone off at this point, or our hours are cut so low that I'm going to have trouble making rent, but if there's anything good that came out of this, it's that I don't have to deal with guys like him for a while. Ugh. What an asshole."
As Franklin's own state of Maryland nears a thousand confirmed cases and the state government has shuttered all non-essential businesses, he faces a dire choice: can he, in full view of a death toll of nearly 30,000 worldwide, and a skyrocketing rate of infection in the United States, admit to possibly having been wrong?
"I mean," Franklin started to speak and then paused for several moments to contemplate his next words, "It's like," he paused again, searching for something to say that would acknowledge new information without making him lose any face at all in front of his family and the community at large. "There's always something. And, the liberal news media is always honking its horn about this or that - you can't actually tell what's a real threat and what isn't. I still say that this isn't that big a deal. Trump says we'll be back to normal by Easter, and, I mean, that's what God would want, isn't it? Makes sense to me. If anything really bad comes of it, I'd lay the blame at the feet of the liberal news media. How are we supposed to know when something is actually scary, if they're just scared of everything all the time?"
Content with his answer of not admitting to much of anything, Franklin spent the rest of the afternoon checking to make sure that all of his firearms were in working condition just in case "any looters show up at the house in the midst of all this craziness."

SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS FOUND DEAD IN APPARENT OVERDOSE OF IRONY AS AMERICA BECOMES SOCIALIST OVERNIGHT

(Washington, DC) In the end, it was not defeat at the hands of Joe Biden or the entrenched interests of old guard Democrats. The Vermont senator was killed by neither heart attack nor coronavirus. Instead, the 78 year-old Brooklyn born Independent was felled by a surfeit of irony when Democrats and Republicans could not agree on how best to disseminate free financial and medical aid to US citizens in the wake of the pandemic that is sweeping the nation.
"It truly is a sad day when such a visionary had to be laid to rest. We agreed about a lot of things, I think. Mr. Sanders was an Independent Senator, but I think that you'll find the Democrats were very unkind to Bernie," said Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell. "Once we get those insane right wing Democrats to agree that the answer to this crisis is direct aid to individuals, we'll be able to honor Senator Sanders' memory. After all, it has always been the Democrats who have chiefly opposed Bernie. Look how hard Donald Trump pushed to get him to be the party's nominee. You think that dirt on Hunter Biden came out of nowhere?"
"The Democratic Party has always embraced Senator Sanders' ideas," said House Majority Leader, Nancy Pelosi. "The heart and soul of the left has always been a progressive agenda. I think that everyone knows just how hard we pushed to get him the nomination in 2016 and, again, this year. It's just such shame that certain fringe centrist elements - let's call them what they were: moderate Republicans -  didn't think he was electable. We always knew that he was. Always. I really do believe that the Republicans will eventually see the error of their ways and vote for direct aid to the people - they may not have liked Bernie Sanders' positions when he was alive, but I hope that they will at least honor his memory."
The "Bernie Bros" have responded on social media in large numbers, calling the late Senator's death a conspiracy.
#ironydoesntmeltsteelbeams #makeamericasincereagain #hesnotdeadhesjustinheremails and #hillaryclintonisalanismorisetteindisguise have become common hashtags on websites honoring Bernie Sanders and calling for more investigation into his demise. One common theory is that both political parties knew that he was right, and, in an effort to beat him to an inevitable outcome, teamed up to spike the Senator's news feed with the single most ironic event since Idanell "Nellie" Brill Connally told John F. Kennedy Jr., "You can't say that Dallas doesn't love you."

MADNESS OVER

(Indianapolis, IN) In light of news surrounding the COVID-19 illness, the NCAA has announced that its basketball tournament would be cancelled for 2020, ending March Madness. While the move has upset some and will mean the loss of a lot of revenue for many, its effects on the amount of global madness this month are still uncertain.
"Well, you've got Trump. There's a pandemic going on. And, well, you've got Trump's response to the pandemic," said Nakata Kirimisu, the chair of the Psychology department at Gordonsville State University in Idaho. "I don't think that we're likely to see an end to or even a decline in madness anytime soon. If anything, I think that with everything that's going on right now - problems in the banks, the election, all of the people ignoring the advice of health professionals because they don't see a direct threat to them right in front of their faces... well, we're gearing up for a lot more madness. Not less. At least, when it was basketball, it was contained. I mean, Dennis Rodman is pretty insane, but he's only sort of tangentially related to March Madness, right?"
The spread of misinformation, false cures/inoculations, and unintelligent memes have highlighted a profusion of chaotic and even nihilistic sentiments.
"Madness, most anthropologists agree, is subjective and historically relative," said Greg Guttenheim of University of Iowa. "If you were behaving in the way that people did in the Elizabethan era, we'd probably think that you were mentally ill... or, at least, a cosplayer. If you were behaving the way that people do now, in that time period, they'd probably burn you for a witch. Look, this is all about that idea of the 'new normal.' Kids embracing nihilistic tendencies and talking about how airline fares are low and the industry is infected with COVID-19, so they can get a cheap flight, die, and that's a good thing? Yeah, that tracks. We're in the process of creating a dystopia that disrespects science in favor of a President who claims to have some sort of... what was it he said? 'natural ability' for healthcare; the least we can do is not act surprised when people start acting like it is what it is: completely fucking mental."

BIDEN ATTACKS NAZI PROTESTOR AT SANDERS RALLY, CONFUSING UNDECIDED VOTERS

(Phoenix, AZ) After a white supremacist was escorted from a Sanders rally for holding a flag with swastika on it, condemnation for the act resounded from most corners of the United States of America. While seen as more of a political moderate, former Vice President Joe Biden responded to the act, saying that attacks of this nature were "beyond the pale." His clear condemnation of the act has caused bewilderment among many moderates and undecided voters.
"Sanders is so far left," said Tricia Jarrett, a math teacher from Flagstaff, AZ, "and Trump is so far right. I feel like maybe Biden should have met us part way between the two. But, condemning that man like that... I don't feel like that's middle of the road at all. Does this mean that he's a flaming leftist like Bernie?"
Conservatives were quick to point out how divisive American politics has become, saying that Biden's "party line" denunciation of a white supremacist is exactly what the public has come to expect from Democrats.
"This is America," said Jerry Benson, a proud Republican and property manager from Greets, MO. "No one can tell you what to say and when to say it. Maybe, the Demon-crats - I thought of that myself - are trying to turn us into Venezuela where you gotta eat grass and can't say whatever you want, but my grand daddy fought against them red and yellows along the 38th parallel in Korea. I'm sure that whatever that guy had to say, he probably wasn't willing to abide by all their snowflake malarkey. How can you condemn a man for what he believes? You can't kill an ideal. You can't. You can try. But, you can't kill an idea, and that's what them Demon-crats are trying to do."
When it was pointed out that the man was waving a swastika flag, Jerry Benson raised an eyebrow and responded by showing his tattoo of the same symbol on his arm.
"Hail Trump," he said. "I am one of those very nice people on this side. But you get in my way, you're gonna find out that I am not one of those nice people. You know what I mean?"
We, at the Big Tobacco, did not know what he meant.
Biden, who in 1975 told a newspaper that he "did not buy" the idea that black Americans should be given "a head start" or that white Americans should be "held back" because historical suppression, has been adamant on his record of supporting civil rights. This is despite his "moderate" stance of courting billionaires and the banking industry, both of which are hallmarks of a capitalist system, without which slavery and systemic oppression could never have existed.