"We realize that this is a geographic impossibility," says Jakob Almen of the Norwegian think tank, Ny Hjerne. "It even plays into the sort of stereotyping that has so damaged culture in the USA. However, that's what makes it fit so well. More people didn't vote than voted for either candidate in their 2016 election. Their disinterest in their own politics allows us to paint with such a broad brush and for it to be, at least in part, accurate."
With reference to the election of Donald Trump, the country has seen a rise in racial tension, antiquated and often oxymoronic nationalist sentiment, and anti-federalism that many people once almost exclusively associated with the southeastern United States and, in particular, those states that at one time formed the Confederacy. Rallies by groups like Patriot Prayer, which clashed with left wing protesters this past weekend, are being seen all over the United States. Many people have been shocked to find out that the brand of religious nationalism that they so commonly associated with places like Alabama has a home in the secular and progressive north as well.
"You gotta understand," says David Duke, former Louisiana House Representative and former Grand Wizard of the Knights of Ku Klux Klan, "It doesn't matter if you're from Rhode Island or Tennessee; there are things wrong with the way that this country has been run. You got Jews and Blacks running the show and people are really upset about it."
Fox News, which can conceivably reach nearly a third of the country's public with every broadcast, echoed Duke's sentiment while feverishly obfuscating a refusal to disavow his politics.
"Fair and balanced coverage means that we absolutely must convey the truth of his statement to the public, and though we are glad to be informing as many viewers as possible, we must make it clear that his positions do not necessarily reflect exactly what we here at Fox News desire to disengender from the public sphere of intelligently discoursed opinioning sans bias and integrity of salubriousness without respect to its validity, content, belief structure, socioeconomic class, sugar content, etc."
The rest of the world watches in abject horror.
"Was that English? They speak English in the United States, correct?" stammered a Dutch newscaster after reading the statement. "This is the country with all the nuclear weapons, yes?"
Ny Hjerne also disclosed that imitating English spoken with a southern twang will no longer be necessary to imply stupidity on the part of the imitatee.
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| Expansion of Cultural Tendencies Formerly Believed to Have Been Unique to the Southeastern Region |
"There are plenty of idiotic racists in Boston or Philadelphia," continues Almen. "There always have been. What the Trump presidency has shown us is that with the normalization of this lunacy, those people feel empowered to show their true colors when, years ago, that would have been embarrassing - shameful even. Instead of being disowned by their family and friends, they now find that people are too polite. The general public wants to be seen as even-handed, diplomatic. Trust me, if you hear a person start a sentence unironically with the clause, 'I am not racist, but,' you do not need to hear anything beyond that conjunction."
Guy Geaux, the editor of the Big Tobacco, was found in a drunken stupor, surrounded by cats and cigarette butts. When asked for comment, he replied, "Yeah, sure, we'll (hic) do the whole damned thing. (hic) Stupid m****f****rs need us now, right? Amirite?"
When asked for further comment, he passed out in an ashtray.
The implications of defunding federal assistance, increased tensions between culturally and socioeconomically different groups, an ignorance to the ramifications (not to mention the definition) of gerrymandering, widespread apathy, and a general anti-intellectual tide in the United States are far-reaching to be sure. The country has the world's largest military budget, is one of the largest polluters on the planet, and is being led by a man who literally made reference to the size of his penis in a televised political debate.
Guy Geaux, the editor of the Big Tobacco, was found in a drunken stupor, surrounded by cats and cigarette butts. When asked for comment, he replied, "Yeah, sure, we'll (hic) do the whole damned thing. (hic) Stupid m****f****rs need us now, right? Amirite?"
When asked for further comment, he passed out in an ashtray.
The implications of defunding federal assistance, increased tensions between culturally and socioeconomically different groups, an ignorance to the ramifications (not to mention the definition) of gerrymandering, widespread apathy, and a general anti-intellectual tide in the United States are far-reaching to be sure. The country has the world's largest military budget, is one of the largest polluters on the planet, and is being led by a man who literally made reference to the size of his penis in a televised political debate.
Charles Manson could not be reached for comment because he is dead.
