(Washington, DC) The news source Politico claimed to have obtained a leaked draft of a Supreme Court decision, authored by Justice Alito. The decision would overturn the 1973 Roe v. Wade decision, which holds that women in the United States have the fundamental right to an abortion. Recent rulings by lower courts in Texas and Oklahoma challenge the precedent and could criminalize the procedure for both doctors and patients. While upset that the decision leaked, Chief Justice Roberts has issued the following statement:
"It is unconscionable to me that a breach of protocol of this nature has exposed some of the most sensitive inner workings of the Court. This was supposed to be a Mother's Day present to the United States of America. After all, how best to celebrate motherhood than to assure all women in America that they'll soon be mothers? This was supposed to be a surprise! Now, it's all ruined, and you're going to have liberals throwing protests and crying in the streets over whether or not they should do what their bodies really want them to do. We're going to find out just who ruined this and make them pay. It will be a firm justice and a fair one. That is what I, a white conservative male, have been appointed for a lifetime to do, mete out what I believe justice to be. It was what I was born for, clearly. To illustrate how fair I am, I would like to point out that even in this leaked document, I, alone among conservative justices, did not support a complete reversal of precedent here. After all, what if there's, like, a really hot mistress who gets knocked up? I mean, she can't have a baby. If she did, that would just be a total waste of some really hot tail. And what's that going to do to any congressman or businessman who cannot get that Taken Care Of? That's going to affect us right up to the highest levels of government and business. The jobs and places of the common people could be disrupted."
While the Court said that the decision was not final, it did not deny the authenticity of the leaked document. Justices Sotomayor and Kagan were not present for comment, as they were being fitted for the garments of Marthas, while Justice Coney Barret was seen to be in talks with a training center to orient Aunts for the coming of the nation of Gilead, popularized in the collective conservative consciousness by Canadian writer Margaret Atwood.
