WORLD GRINDS TO A HALT AS BIG TOBACCO HALTS WEEKLY UPDATES

...but he was our Pagliacci...

(Greensboro, NC) - Local teacher, bar patron, miscreant, and pet wrangler, Guy Geaux, has revealed that he will cease weekly updates of The Big Tobacco. The move has prompted everyone from sociologists to Doomsday enthusiasts to say things like, "Who? The Big What?"

Finishing off his second beer of the evening, the writer had this to say:

"Look, we're all dead at the end of it. I just don't care anymore. Stuff's so insane that making fun of it... well... It isn't fun anymore. Will I still do this crap? Yeah, probably. Just don't come looking for it every week. That's assuming that anyone really ever did come crawling out of whatever gutter they live in to get on this page for updates. I mean, I'm still going to do other stuff - I'm not just going to rewatch 'Battlestar Gallactica' until I die. It's just that I suck at self-promotion. I started up a store and junk for this, but I can't shill the way that a lot of people shill. Maybe, my stuff sucks. Who knows? I mean, really, who can turn an critical eye on their own work and say, for certain, that it's good or bad? I waffle back and forth between thinking that maybe I've got something and that maybe it's all crap. At any rate, between the inundation of satire, the world going macrame-for-dinner crazy, and a lack of real response... well... It's not as fun as it used to be. At this point, I've got a lot on my plate. Remember, I'm one of those hero teachers that is so selfish that I wanted a vaccine before going back into the classroom."

When pressed for further comment, Guy Geaux found that he was talking to himself. Apparently, his "two" beers had been a lot more than that. He lit a cigarette and let it burn out into the ashtray while he cried into the crook of his elbow.

GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NOT NEARLY AS AWESOME AS IT SOUNDS

  

Not an actual depiction.

(Washington, DC) - As US Democrats and Republicans bloody each other over yet another impeding shutdown, political analysts and historians are cautioning the public on its enthusiasm for seizing the means of production and incinerating the powers that hold them down. Recent history has shown that a government shutdown means more that certain government workers will not be paid, but Congress can and will work together to hold back consequences for themselves.

"I feel like," sighed Dr. Julian Carlsbad, the chair of the history department at Federal University of California at Fresno, "this is really ought to go without saying, but I feel like I have to say it because our general public doesn't seem to understand that when the Congress allows the government to go unfunded, it's not going to affect them in any way that really means anything - except as a political football. You're not going to get to burn down Mitch McConnell's house or blow up Pelosi's car. Police bullets are always going to be funded."

Professor Carlsbad watched the tremors flow through his hand, swallowed, and returned his gaze to somewhere beyond the window. He continued, "Look at how the Republicans who were calling on Trump to own the shutdown are the same ones decrying the ineptness of the Biden administration in allowing one to happen. It's very nearly the opposite on the opposite side of the aisle. Democrats are upbraiding the Republicans for playing politics with the country's finances. Just like they said that they wouldn't back down against the Trump administration when the shoe was on the other foot. Don't get me wrong, it's not an equivalency; I just am getting to the point where even I can't really imagine how much worse the country would be without these people."

"It's truly amazing what we can accomplish when we work together," said Mitch McConnell, smiling as he kissed Nancy Pelosi on the mouth.

"It's wonderful darling," she replied. "It's not as though a we have anything to do with governing."

"This is a true representative democracy," cackled the two people who would never live to see Washington, DC consumed by the Potomac. "US citizens cannot agree on getting rid of us, so really, you have only yourselves to blame."

Bernie Sanders couldn't be found for comment on the subject, as his grimacing lower lip had swallowed the rest of his body.