TRUMP MASS SIMULATION ENDS

(Former United States of America, Wasteland) Millions of people who had, until just recently, believed themselves to be citizens of the United States of America were awakened from unsettling dreams of a country on the verge of descending into a dystopic nightmare. Conducted by desperate scientists in the year 2342, the test was intended to see what might be done to prevent a domino effect of political, military, and ecological disasters that brought the human race - as well as most multi-cellular life on earth - to the edge of extinction.
"Well," cried lead scientist Siddhartha Abraxas, "We... you see... we thought that if we pushed hard enough on the psyche of the remaining people, we could get them to understand their own personal responsibility - the need for them to act, or else really horrific things can happen. The actual 45th President of the United States was not a good man. He was not a good man at all, but we thought that maybe if we pushed the envelope early, really made people uncomfortable, they'd have rebelled, stopped the future that we live in now - in the simulation at least. It made sense to us that humanity would have its limits, as far as what it would allow in a more enlightened age. These would be people who remembered the moon landing for crying out loud."
Abraxas began weeping uncontrollably at that point and muttering, "We're all doomed... so very, very doomed."
The world of 2342 is an infertile, toxic wasteland, shrouded by sudden and violent electrical storms. Humanity has survived by farming particularly hardy strains of algae and by making peace with a life that will assuredly not be comfortable by the standards that it once held. The Dream Project, designed by the top remaining minds in computer science and anthropology, maintained that if humanity could see more apparently the disaster approaching, the populace would band together and take steps against it.
"We created Trump as an anathema. Yes, the real President Volde - He Who Shall Not Be Named - was a bad man, he made very poor decisions, but with Trump we actually felt that we were stretching credulity," commented Aurora White, head sociologist with the Dream Project. "We actually worried about the ability of the human mind to accept what was happening to it. But then, something amazing happened..." White trailed off and was unable to continue with her comment for some time. Later, a more composed Dr. White continued, "People... they actually started voting for him. Not only were they unable to tell the difference between good and bad decisions. They lost the ability to tell the difference between good and bad at all. What we learned from this experiment... oh my god... what we learned, is that at the level of comfortable apathy in which the majority of the US populace found themselves made it impossible for them to come together intellectually and stop any kind of a threat - no matter how obvious it was. As long as they had smartphones, they felt free to bash each other, blame everything else, and ignore the plight of the immediate future, as long as it was still in the future. Even when it seemed common knowledge that the system was broken, people still couldn't figure out what to do about it. They were more interested in taking potshots at each other."
They decided to end the simulation when they found that the supporters of this nexus of abhorrent characteristics would support him even when he trampled the abstractions that they held most dear.
Upon the conclusion of the project, nearly all of the researchers involved have either died by their own hands or are in a semiconscious state of rocking back and forth, mumbling things akin to, "We are a cancer on this earth," "The disaster will always happen; what point is there in rebuilding?" and "There's just no bottom to this. No bottom at all."



Former US citizens

DEMOCRATS IN NC LEGISLATURE CONVENE BUDGET VOTE DURING COLUMBUS DAY CELEBRATIONS

This picture (above) is awful in many ways.

(Raleigh, NC) In what critics are calling vengeful political gamesmanship, the Democratic members of North Carolina's legislative bodies held a budget vote while their Republican colleagues attended Columbus Day celebrations. This comes just weeks after House Republicans used similar tactics to pass budget measures during 9/11 Remembrance Ceremonies.
"It's just awful!" commented Franklin Hogarth, a Republican from Bunn, NC. "These people have no decency. Today is supposed to be about a plucky white European ignoring the humanity of an entire continent of people. If you can't celebrate that without worrying that someone's going to take advantage of you, well, I mean, what kind of world do we live in?"
Another House Republican, Rod Statler of Barncomb, NC had similar things to say, "If the Democrats want political gamesmanship, we'll give them political gamesmanship. We'll gerrymander the district lines so badly it'll look like someone put the congressional district map in a blender. We'll falsify ballots. We'll pass voter ID laws. We'll take away early voting."
Representative Statler then got back into his time machine and went back to before those things had already happened.
Democrats were more measured with their explanations of what had happened. Responding to the Republican reaction, Gennifer Vorhees of Crispin, NC said, "Look, we didn't actually plan any of this. We just couldn't believe that anyone would actually go to a Columbus Day event. I mean, yeah, they used to teach about him when I was in school, but in 2019!? Come on. The fact that not just one, but a majority of House Republicans were at these events - no one could have predicted that. In any sane world, showing up at an event that commemorated a mass murderer would be political suicide. Why would we plan on them doing that!?"
Mrs. Vorhees could not respond to further questions, as she was driving her son to a private Christian school event where he played Noah in a theatre production.

CONFEDERATE STATUE ENTHUSIASTS ASK FOR MORE CIVILITY FROM PROTESTORS

(Wilmington, NC) After the removal of University of North Carolina's "Silent Sam" statue in 2018, clashes over the state's memorials to soldiers of the Confederacy have increased in ferocity. Opponents of the statues claim that they publicly endorse a regime that allowed the enslavement, rape, and murder of millions of Africans. Proponents of the statues claim that they are part of the state's history and heritage, wondering why their counterparts have to be so impolite.
"It really is just rude to try to destroy the history of a state that allowed you to own people," claimed Randall Fordham, a local bank teller and Civil War reenactor. He spoke at a recent rally at the site that had previously been home to the controversial statue. "One of 'em called me a bigot. That hurts. I can't believe he would say that about me, someone he doesn't know."
Despite warnings and protestations from those around him, Fordham continued, saying, "It's sad, but it's not surprising. You know, blacks just don't value civility or education the way that white people do."
This comment elicited booing and a variety of expletives from protesters, passersby, and anyone who has a basic understanding of the ramifications of what he was saying. Gesticulating wildly, Fordham appeared to indicate that he did not understand how his comments could be construed as racist.
"It's just like they keep saying about President Trump. But the thing no one seems to be able to answer is, 'how can he be racist if he once shook a black man's hand?' He's not racist. He knows Don King!"
After yet another round of booing, Fordham shook his head and sighed, "It's like these people don't understand that Donald Trump won the Presidential Election. Can't they just let it go that they lost?"