UNMASKED BIDEN IS GREEDY REAL ESTATE DEVELOPER

Deport the Haitians! Pull troops out of Afghanistan! Mwa ha ha ha!

(Washington, DC) - After a twenty minute investigation of the White House grounds, a group of independent investigators from Crystal Cove discovered that Old Man Biden was actually a greedy real estate developer named Donald Trump. When tied up and unmasked, he had this to say:

"I've done the best- Look the job I've been doing- People think I'm nuts. They do. I mean, not you, OAN, you're the greatest. But I've just been doing a great job. Not criminal Hillary. She's the one you ought to be unmasking. Can you imagine? What do you think you'd find under the hood there? She's probably just Bill in a dress. Ew. Look, everyone knows that it was the best idea - I have a lot of wonderful ideas - everyone knows it was the best idea to pull troops out of Afghanistan. Do you think that wasn't my idea? Of course, it was my idea. I'd have gotten away with it if it weren't for you... what are you? You're not kids. The one in the neckerchief looks like he's thirty. The redhead... well... she can investigate me any time. Mrrowll... Point being, she's legal. She's definitely legal. But yeah, I am getting away with it, and there's nothing you can do to stop me!"

The teens who were revealed to not actually be teens were then gunned down by White House security. It was revealed that at least one of them was under the influence of DC's recently legalized marijuana.

 

Texas Introduces Law Protecting Vestigial Twins

The Semantics of Life

(Texas... Again...) In the wake of its controversial abortion law, Texas is rolling out even more legislation, showing a consistency in its views on what constitutes life. Legal expert, Dr. Doug McKinney of Grenton University's Law School had this to say, "If you're going to call a cluster of cells that has some manner of fibrillation 'alive,' the law would extend to a lot of other things as well. So, in places where the population isn't barking mad, people would recognize this and not write laws that way. And then you have Texas. They're getting out ahead of their own abortion lawsuit challenges by saying, 'Yes, we do think that vestigial twins are people. Who is to say that you're not their twin?' Obviously, this is complete malarkey, but then again, telling a woman that something her body might just miscarry now has more rights than she does, and that her neighbors can be rewarded for dropping a line to the police that she may have tried to do something about that... It's not such a far cry to see people saying that a chest growing out of your shoulder should be able to vote or something like that."

The US Supreme Court is expected to uphold the law because Justice Kavannaugh's friend, Squee, was once a vestigial twin himself, only having been surgically detached from the recently appointed judge after college.

"Yes, we believe that women should have bodily autonomy," said Amy Coney Barrett. "Just not in any way that really matters. That fetus could be a boy. That vestigial twin might only ever be a stomach growing out of your elbow, but if it has a pulse, I think it should be allowed to vote. After all, look at all of the human beings in our government who lack other basic features of humanity. I heard that Mitch McConnell was actually critical of heartbeat bills because they would have done nothing to protect him."

United States Celebrates Twenty Years of Never Forgetting

 

American life mattered a lot to the people who then sent thousands of US soldiers to die in places completely unconnected to this event.

(United States of America) This week marks twenty years since the largest terrorist attack on US soil. The country's "Global War on Terror" has killed an estimated 800,000 people at this point, displacing and injuring even more. As troops pulled out of Afghanistan this past August, many Americans remembered that they were never going to forget.

"Yeah, I was working at Chili's that day," said Fabian Manning. "I remember it was weird because we didn't close, but everyone was just watching the TV as stuff went crazy all over the place. A lot's different now, I mean, I don't work at Chili's anymore; I'm at TGIFriday's. I moved from Cincinnati to Cleveland. I mean, I remember September 11th. A lot of these kids, they just don't know. Like, yeah, it changed things. That's what we're supposed to remember, right?"

Several people had trouble what it was, exactly, that they were supposed to be remembering.

"I mean, like, a lot of people died that day, right?" said Emma Cleery. "Like, if we don't remember them, then, poof, they just completely stop existing. We've got to remember them. Never forget, right?"

"I feel like we were supposed to use it as like a grudge," commented Lee Acosta. "Like, never forget! You know? People did this to us; we can't just forget about it. We have to make the bad guys feel the pain, right? Well, Obama got Osama, so we're good now right?"

"We were supposed to remember what things were like beforehand. Like how dumb we were, thinking that the world just loved us and was going to let us be. No, we have to remember that we can be attacked at any time. We have to be completely vigilant and ready to kill as many people as possible necessary to maintain our way of life," wrote Alfred Bonham. "It's a promise. We won't forget because we won't get caught with our pants down again. Never again."

"Isn't it like we should make our losses mean something? How about we learn from this and try to create a world where the geopolitics aren't amenable to something like this happening ever again?" said Georgia Burnhardt. "No? We're just going to let stuff keep happening like this? Good grief. It's not like we never forgot. We never even acknowledged."

Meanwhile, terrorist training camps and extremist groups found that their rooms were just the way they left them when they headed into the mountains of eastern Afghanistan to wait out the US occupation that, despite excruciating losses of human life and billions of hours of effort invested, was unable to create a stable enough government to fend off the fighters it had once armed and supported (as recently as last month.) 

Marking the End of the Roe v. Wade Era, Planned Parenthood Announces 2-for-1 Deal

 

These faces show the five seconds of contemplation before setting women's rights back by, oh, almost fifty years...

(Texas and Washington, DC) As the Texas law that makes abortion illegal as soon as the fetus has "a heartbeat" took effect this Wednesday, challenges to its legality have already arisen, and the Supreme Court appears to be allowing the law to stand. Additionally, the law incentivizes the general public's policing of the ban. $10,000 bounties are to be paid for law suits that successfully interfere with an abortion. As this will inherently challenge other states' abortion laws, and the Supreme Court is upholding it, investments in companies that produce Handmaid garments have already exceeded a 500% increase. Additionally, Planned Parenthood appears to be trying to get ahead of the problems that they expect to see in the coming months. We spoke to a representative from the nonprofit organization.

"Everyone knows that abortion is just the attempt of loose women to continue living their sinful lifestyles," said John White. "If they had to actually have the baby every time they had sex, they'd choose their partners a lot more carefully. Instead of going out with guys like Trent Halifax from my seventh grade English class, they'd have to go for better choices, like nice guys, like me."

Excuse us. That guy claimed to be from Planned Parenthood on the phone. He was just some guy.

"So we're just getting back to policing women's bodies and punishing them for having sex," said Brenda Tarrington actually of Planned Parenthood. "Well, we're going to make hay while the sun shines. All of our services are now two-for-one. I mean, obviously, we do a heck of a lot more down here than abortion, but that's in there, too. Oh? It isn't obvious that we do a lot more than provide abortions? So you mean to tell me that the general public has been misinformed about what we do? Imagine that."