AREA MAN PRETTY SURE HE COULD BEAT THE GIRL FROM "THE QUEEN'S GAMBIT" IN CHESS

It's not like chess is hard, right?

(Norwheaton, TN) After having watched Anya Taylor-Joy play Beth Harmon in the chess centered Netflix series, "The Queen's Gambit," Donald "Donnie" Revere is unsure of why there is so much hype surrounding the show.

"So, she's, like, a girl playing chess. Oooh, and there's mean guys who stand in the way of her dream. Like, I play Call of Duty. Do you have any idea how many guys try to take me down on there? Yeah, it's all of them. And, they call me the n-word. I'd love to see how some 1960's red head would handle that kind of aggression. Don't forget that Call of Duty was made to simulate war. Chess is just a board game that requires a little bit of strategy here and there. They've got their little clocks and crap, but they didn't even have games on the level of this back then."

Revere claims that his prowess in strategic thinking is impeccable and that he cannot be beaten in something so simple as a two dimensional board game. To him, the fast-paced action of multiplayer a first person shooter is unattainable by something that can be contained within sixty-four squares. Though he has had mixed success in local tournaments, the forty-one year-old SEO specialist says that there is something akin to inflation when talking about the difference in the games.

"A pawn isn't going to hit you with a freaking grenade from an elevated position in chess. You don't have to watch out for tweens who don't care about their own lives trying to scope you from positions where they shouldn't even be. Do they have that in chess? No, because the game was invented like a hundred years ago. Look, all you have to do is just make sure all of the pieces are covering each other. It's not like rocket science. And, no one wants to hear this, but I'll just say it: women don't think strategically. It's not something that they've acquired over the years. Men have. It's like asking a horse to swim against a fish," said Revere. "Oh, and before you get all 'this guy's a sexist,' I totally voted for Hillary."

The Netflix show revolves around the ascendancy of Elizabeth Harmon, a chess prodigy who struggles with substance abuse. Revere binge watched the show with his girlfriend while hungover last Saturday. Afterwards, he explained that he played chess in junior high. And that it was alright but too easy.

"My brain just thinks too far ahead and too fast for that crap. I'd get anxious and forget things. If I were playing in front of all of those people, I'd focus. It'd be no big deal," he reflected. Looking at his girlfriend, Revere continued. "That Beth Harmon chick. She probably wouldn't get flustered playing a bunch of those skeevy chess dudes but put her up against a real dude, she'd be thinking about what every girl is thinking about most of the time."

Afterwards, Revere's girlfriend couldn't be reached for comment because she was too busy retching in the bathroom.

GEORGE ZIMMERMAN GUNS DOWN FOREIGN COMMUNIST INSURGENT

 

Through the chimney? Who knows what he might have done once inside?

(Tallahassee, FL) - Once again invoking "Stand Your Ground" George Zimmerman has killed in what he is calling "defense" of his (neighbor's) property.

"Guy was on the roof of the Hobarts' place next door," said the thirty-seven year-old insurance underwriter. "You can tell with what these guys wear. All red? Commie for sure. Well, we don't tolerate that kind of Russian spy crap around here. So, I introduced him to my .45, and, well, he isn't coming back next year."

The individual was identified as the 1,750 year-old Saint Nicholas of Myra, aka Nicholas of Bari, aka Santa Claus, aka Father Christmas, etc. Having immigrated from his native Greece to the North Pole sometime in the last millennium, Saint Nicholas was known, annually, to give presents to well-behaved Christian children around the globe. Stories about the deceased range from his employing a large number of elves to create toys to his use of a team of reindeer in distribution.

"He's the spirit of Christmas! Everyone knows about him!" sobbed six year-old Jimmy Hobart, one of the children of the household where the body was discovered.

NRA and GOP allies have been quick to defend Zimmerman's actions. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell had this to say:

"We got him! We've been after that bastard for years. Do you know how many intellectual property rights laws he and his crew have violated? Do you know how many counts of trespassing, breaking and entering, unlawful entry, border violations, customs infringments... It's staggering! He was a foreign national wearing the colors of the communist party, engaging in an act of clear class warfare! This was clearly an act of defense. Mr. Zimmerman was defending his home, his neighbors' homes, his town! I just wish that my diseased death claw could stand the human contact it would take to shake his hand. Imagine: giving away presents! That's taking the yacht money right out of the pockets of the Waltons and Jeff Bezos! It's disgusting, and I, for one, am glad that he's dead. He's clearly a communist - look at the distribution of presents! It's based on merit! No cronyism, no nepotism, no advantages for anyone! That's insane!"

Zimmerman's legal aid was tight-lipped about the entire affair, saying only that they had an ironclad defense against any murder charges. An inside source has said, however, that they are afraid of a little known writ called, "The Santa Clause."

ALL AMERICAN CULTURE TO BE OWNED BY THREE COMPANIES BY 2050

Approved by Coca-cola's House of Representives

(United States of America) - To the delight of fans everywhere, the Disney corporation has announced plans to buy Warner Bros., Netflix, and comic books as a medium. The new super-franchise will play host to the biggest budget movie ever, including a rumored crossover between the Star Wars, Harry Potter, Marvel and DC.

"We won't rest until the Incredible Hulk is using the Elder wand to fight the child of Princess Leia and Bruce Wayne. People will bring dump trucks of money to see stuff like this. We already bought Harrison Ford's likeness. Every angle, every sarcastic look, every potential note of his voice - we own it all. The algorithms are just churning out bespoke movies as we speak. If you think Disney+ is big, wait till you see what we can do with a movie where Wonder Woman actually fights Donald Trump. It's going to be mega. Absolutely mega," said Shannon Lloyd, a spokesperson for DisneyVisual. The new company has already announced plans to buy up all visual media rights by 2060, but it's possible that it could happen before then. As the company's financial assets get larger, their holdings appear to be increasing at an exponential rate. In fact, there is a rumor that they may have their eyes on our eyes - the human visual range, that is.

"There's only a certain number of frames that the human eye can register in a lifetime. We already have run the data through a few, literally, like ten yottabyte hard drives, and guess what? We put every last thing together. All that remains now is for us to register them. Then, literally every thing you see will have a little set of Mickey ears on it!" said Lloyd.

In a surprising move, Kanye West and Taylor Swift have announced plans to jointly purchase all sounds that are within the human audible range, through their new parent company, SWest. The duo made this big reveal in their first ever appearance together. This was just after explaining that they have never actually met, spoken, or even actually heard of each other, as all of the supposed drama between the two mega-celebrities was revealed to have been deep fakes, generated by their mutual marketing agencies.

"Yes," said West, "I actually never ran for President either. These days, the supposed 'highest office in the land' is more of a lightning rod for criticism. And, as the discerning consumer well knows, I thrive in controversy. If the public only knew how keen I am for the next scandal... People keep expecting that Kim Kardashian and I will be getting divorced, or I will be performing some manner of OJ-esque scandal. It's utter poppycock. If Alexander Hamilton's "Great Beast" had eyes in its head, they would know that I am actually a seventy-five year-old white man from Westchester, New York. Can you imagine someone actually saying the things that I say and meaning them? Good heavens - the madness! Kim Kardashian isn't even a sentient being. She's actually the product of thousands of different algorithms responding to public fantasy. Yeezus Christ, people are stupid. Taylor Swift? I only heard of her last week. Her people have talked to my people before, yes. We should be wrapping up sounds made by a dog whistle - a literal dog whistle - sometime in 2040. There are only so many different recombinant forms of compressional waves that are possible. SWest intends to own them all."

The newest sports megaconglomerate, the Association of Competitive Entertainment Leagues has registered trademarks for all physical and esports, through the year 20210, assuming that humanity survives Y10k and the potential effects of computer bugs inherent in four year coding. ACEL owns the rights to all potential and possible recombinations of the human genome at the peak ages of physical prowess for men and women.

"Ever want to see Connor McGregor fight Bruce Lee? No holds barred, knockdown, drag out. We can do it. You can be in the front row, and even get hit with the Bruce's sweat. Stuff's going to be crazy. Think Michael vs Kobe in their prime. Think the Buffalo Bills in '93 vs. the Buffalo Bills in '94. Why not? We can do it."

"AS A FELLOW KAREN, I FEEL YOUR PAIN," SAYS WOMAN WHO SPENT OVER A THOUSAND DOLLARS ON A PURSE

(Pinch, MN) Along with derisive references to the Baby Boomer generation, contemporary slang has adopted the term, "Karen," as an epithet for privileged white women, caricatured as having bleached blonde inverted bob cuts and excessive indignation over trivial matters, among other things.

"It's the modern n-word is what it is," said Karen O'Conner. "I didn't pick my name, and you know what? It's a pretty name. My gran was named Karen. Karen Gould. She worked so hard, and to think, these people are just- they just don't understand how wonderful a woman she was. They just don't, and they just don't care. That woman gave birth to nine children, and she worked hard to make sure that their lives were as good as possible. She's my namesake, and these people - you know who I mean - they're just... Well, they're just crapping all over her legacy. It's disgusting."

O'Conner moderates the online forum, Karens Are People Too (KAPT). With four thousand members, the group has grown to the point where some disambiguation is necessary.

"Why are there are all these pictures of white women crying?" asked Saw Nee Bo. "What person gets this upset when service industry people are not ingratiating to the point of having no dignity?"

Saw, who was part of the Karen uprising in 1976 and subsequently had to flee his homeland for fear of reprisals by the Burmese junta, has seen his fair share of hardship. A respected elder in his community, he continues to fight for the rights of the Karen people in the United States and for international recognition of their plight in southeast Asia. At seventy-four, he still works as a tool and die maker and boasts not having missed a single day since he began work in Minnesota back in 1990.

The Big Tobacco was able to sit down with both Mr. Saw and Mrs. O'Conner last week.

"Is he Mexican?" asked O'Conner,

"No, I am not," replied Saw. "I am Kayin. It's what your people call 'Karen.'"

"Do we have a translator?" asked Mrs. O'Conner, "I don't speak Spanish."

After being informed that the man was speaking English and being assured that his documentation for being in the United States was in order, O'Conner listened to Saw's story. He explained his flight from an oppressive military regime, conditions in Thai refugee camps, dangers at sea in a small boat bound for part of Malaysia, and his circuitous route to refugee status in the United States, after losing his young son and his brother en route.

"We're the same," said O'Conner. "I don't get to take sick days as a mom. I took Magnus to football practice last week, and I think I had COVID. Can you believe that? And people want to put me down because of my name. It's shameful. That's exactly what it is."

"People do not understand what we go through. Some day, I hope that there will be a country for my people where we can be safe," responded Saw.

O'Conner fought back tears as she readjusted her Fendi bag so that she could take Saw's hand.

"He gets it," she said. "He really does understand. It's just so good to be understood, to be seen."

After finding out that the Big Tobacco correspondent did not intend to pay for coffee at the appointed meeting spot, Mrs. O'Conner began explain that she needed the beverage to be "comped" because she had not expected to pay. Meanwhile, Saw had this to say, "Who is this woman? Why did you bring me here? Why does she think that she has anything in common with me? My son drowned off the coast of Malaysia. She is getting furious over having to pay eight dollars for a cup of coffee that she ordered. This is disgusting. I can't sit here any longer."

O'Conner later asked for his phone number to see if he would be interested in "helping out" with a church fundraiser that she was organizing. Similarly, she did not tip the wait staff, but did leave encouraging words that she imagined were from the book of "Psalm."