Approved by Coca-cola's House of Representives
(United States of America) - To the delight of fans everywhere, the Disney corporation has announced plans to buy Warner Bros., Netflix, and comic books as a medium. The new super-franchise will play host to the biggest budget movie ever, including a rumored crossover between the Star Wars, Harry Potter, Marvel and DC.
"We won't rest until the Incredible Hulk is using the Elder wand to fight the child of Princess Leia and Bruce Wayne. People will bring dump trucks of money to see stuff like this. We already bought Harrison Ford's likeness. Every angle, every sarcastic look, every potential note of his voice - we own it all. The algorithms are just churning out bespoke movies as we speak. If you think Disney+ is big, wait till you see what we can do with a movie where Wonder Woman actually fights Donald Trump. It's going to be mega. Absolutely mega," said Shannon Lloyd, a spokesperson for DisneyVisual. The new company has already announced plans to buy up all visual media rights by 2060, but it's possible that it could happen before then. As the company's financial assets get larger, their holdings appear to be increasing at an exponential rate. In fact, there is a rumor that they may have their eyes on our eyes - the human visual range, that is.
"There's only a certain number of frames that the human eye can register in a lifetime. We already have run the data through a few, literally, like ten yottabyte hard drives, and guess what? We put every last thing together. All that remains now is for us to register them. Then, literally every thing you see will have a little set of Mickey ears on it!" said Lloyd.
In a surprising move, Kanye West and Taylor Swift have announced plans to jointly purchase all sounds that are within the human audible range, through their new parent company, SWest. The duo made this big reveal in their first ever appearance together. This was just after explaining that they have never actually met, spoken, or even actually heard of each other, as all of the supposed drama between the two mega-celebrities was revealed to have been deep fakes, generated by their mutual marketing agencies.
"Yes," said West, "I actually never ran for President either. These days, the supposed 'highest office in the land' is more of a lightning rod for criticism. And, as the discerning consumer well knows, I thrive in controversy. If the public only knew how keen I am for the next scandal... People keep expecting that Kim Kardashian and I will be getting divorced, or I will be performing some manner of OJ-esque scandal. It's utter poppycock. If Alexander Hamilton's "Great Beast" had eyes in its head, they would know that I am actually a seventy-five year-old white man from Westchester, New York. Can you imagine someone actually saying the things that I say and meaning them? Good heavens - the madness! Kim Kardashian isn't even a sentient being. She's actually the product of thousands of different algorithms responding to public fantasy. Yeezus Christ, people are stupid. Taylor Swift? I only heard of her last week. Her people have talked to my people before, yes. We should be wrapping up sounds made by a dog whistle - a literal dog whistle - sometime in 2040. There are only so many different recombinant forms of compressional waves that are possible. SWest intends to own them all."
The newest sports megaconglomerate, the Association of Competitive Entertainment Leagues has registered trademarks for all physical and esports, through the year 20210, assuming that humanity survives Y10k and the potential effects of computer bugs inherent in four year coding. ACEL owns the rights to all potential and possible recombinations of the human genome at the peak ages of physical prowess for men and women.
"Ever want to see Connor McGregor fight Bruce Lee? No holds barred, knockdown, drag out. We can do it. You can be in the front row, and even get hit with the Bruce's sweat. Stuff's going to be crazy. Think Michael vs Kobe in their prime. Think the Buffalo Bills in '93 vs. the Buffalo Bills in '94. Why not? We can do it."
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