YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT THIS GROUND-BREAKING REPORT CONNECTS TO CORONAVIRUS, BENGHAZI, BLM, 5G, AND JANE FONDA

 

Support the troops Democrat soldiers helping to spread 5G Fonda-flu

(Kenosha, OR) A major report released by local YouTube virtuoso, 9NomFreemyd!ck, describes a network of information between high ranking officials in the US government, the New World Order, George Soros, the Kennedys, Mark Zuckerberg, the Free Masons, Chinese hackers, Cho'gall, denizens of the Bermuda Triangle, alien anal probe enthusiasts, domestic anal probe enthusiasts, Bernie Sanders, Jane Fonda, BLM, orchestrators of the 2012 Benghazi attack, CNN, Bill Gates' 5G towers, Edward Jenner, the Roun the Illuminati, Swift Boat Veterans for John Kerry, the coronavirus bat, and Björk.

The video has already been taken down, no doubt, by the shadowy cabal mentioned therein. When we attempted to contact user 9NomFreemyd!ck, there was no response. Our internal specialists suspect foul play. In an effort to garner more interest in this important and clearly viable story, we are printing excerpts from notes on this ground-breaking revelation.

In front of a black sheet background, a young, masked man explains that we, the American public have been lied to. This shocking fact is immediately followed with the list of all of the aforementioned conspirators.

"All of these people and organizations have something in common," says the anonymous truth-teller. "Think about it. None of the MSM people are mentioning it. Not a word. But, that should tell you something. If they're being silent about it, you can be certain that it is true, and what you don't know can kill you, molest your family, and take away your guns."

There was a bit of technical difficulty at that point in the video where some muffled noises appear to come from behind the sheet in the background. The competent, masked journalist can be heard to say something resembling, "I already did my homework!" Clearly, wherever he is, this code is clearly a cry for help to his confederates for the freedom of our society.

"The truth of the matter is," he continues, "that we don't even know the half of what's going on in this country. The Strzok notes are just a scratch in the armor of the Biden/Obama/Clinton/Gillooly conspiracy. People don't realize that whenever we talk about any of this stuff, we have to use language. All of us. Can you imagine? It doesn't matter if you leave the country. It doesn't matter where you go. If you want to communicate any idea to another person, you're playing their game. Any time that you says something, there's a chance that someone, somewhere might hear it. Then, they know what you're thinking. Even the coronavirus bat - el patiento numero uno - bats have exceptional hearing. You know what they can hear? People talking."

After a pregnant pause, allowing the audience to assimilate this information, the young man mimes his head exploding. No doubt a signal to other freedom-loving hold outs across the country.

"There's only one answer," says 9NomFreemyd!ck. "We all just need to shut up. We just need to shut up. If we shut up, they can't twist our words. They can't know what we're thinking. They don't know how strong we are. How will we communicate? Good question, but it also sounds like something they would ask. So, if you're wondering how we'll communicate if we don't talk, do some soul-searching. Ask yourself, 'do I really want freedom?'"

The Big Tobacco echoes this sentiment and hopes to hear more from this freedom fighter and his associates.

*It was later discovered that 9NomFreemyd!ck had been grounded from using the internet because he hadn't mowed the lawn.

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP NOMINATES HIMSELF TO THE SUPREME COURT

 

(Washington, DC) - In yet another historic move, President Donald Trump has nominated himself to the Supreme Court of the United States. Despite Democratic efforts to undermine potential nominees, forestall a Senate vote, and otherwise hamper the President's right to appoint a justice, they were taken completely by surprise with this unprecedented piece of political gamesmanship.

"You're kidding, right?" said Senate minority leader, Chuck Schumer, "This is totally illegal. It's unconstitutional. In Art. I, Sec. 6, -"

"Yeah, Chuck. Sure," interrupted President Trump. "Nobody's ever even heard of what you're talking about. It's just more of your Democratic back channel that's trying to sabotage my Presidency."

"No, it's in the Constitution," remarked Schumer.

"You say that," retorted the President, "but, idiot says, 'what.'"

"Excuse me?" replied Schumer.

"Idiot says, 'what,'" repeated the President.

"What?" asked Schumer.

There was much applause and laughter from the President and his supporters.

"You'll be impeached," commented House Majority Leader, Nancy Pelosi. "You'll be impeached, and it will be open and shut."

"Uh uh," said Trump. "Double Jeopardy. Great movie. The hot Judd was in it back when she was hot. I can shoot you right in the middle of Mardi Gras. Like, you already tried to impeach me. You can't... You can't do it again. Like, I can do whatever I want now. No collusion. Fake News. In Jesus name we pray. Read the transcript. Make America Great Again."

"That's not how..." began Pelosi. She stopped speaking, looked at the President, and said, "The American people will see you in court."

"I know! Where do you think I'll be being Supreme?"

Constitutional scholars, lawyers, and YouTube personalities have been investigating the legality of Trump's nomination since he announced it at noon today. While it appears to be at very least a blatant violation of the emoluments clause of the US Constitution, it very likely breaks other statutes.

"The separation of powers into three distinct branches of government are enshrined as the foundation of our democracy," wrote Dr. Jacob Ansley of Georgetown University. "This cannot be legal. Absolutely not."

However, any number of YouTube celebrities have pointed out that Hillary Clinton or Joe Biden may have broken laws in the past which surely exculpates the current President from any guilt while he is President, possibly entitling him to a third and potentially fourth term, "if they don't shut up and quit being so annoying."

THE BIG TOBACCO WELCOMES NEW MANAGEMENT

 (Greensboro, NC) After four years with a readership in the single digits, management of the Big Tobacco website has been taken over by Totenkopf, inc, a multimedia conglomerate based in Houston, TX.

"We plan to make the Big Tobacco something that people will actually read. It was run by a middling - at best middling - English teacher in North Carolina as some kind of hobby website. Initially, we didn't even realize that it was supposed to be some stupid satire thing, and we figured that we were actually acquiring an inroad to tobacco products. It wasn't until we'd already threatened a lawsuit, settled out of court, and nearly had the former owner jailed that we realized that this wasn't exactly RJ Reynolds we were dealing with. By that time, we just figured, well, we'll just turn this thing around. Its budget had been literally nothing - as in zero dollars. If we turn a profit on this, great. If not, at least we got rid of one more guy who just goes around saying, 'Orange Man Bad.' We'll make it less, you know, garbage left wing propaganda."

Corporate restructuring at the Big Tobacco

The new management is sorting through corporate mission statements and a variety of strategies with an eye to undermining the anti-Christian, antifa, anarchist, leftist aristocracy headed, not by its current figurehead, Joe Biden, but a pedophile cult of lizard people beyond the ice wall that surrounds the known world. As many of those who are not in the thrall of the mainstream media already know, this cabal is led by none other than Hillary Clinton, also known as the Butcher of Benghazi and the Empress of Erased Emails.

Before being brutally murdered in broad daylight escorted off of the premises, former owner of the Big Tobacco had this to say:

"These guys are a bunch of corporate freaking Nazis! You have to help me! I don't even know what they want with my piddly little rag! I'm nobody! Nobody! If they can do this to me, they can do this to anyone! Help! Help!"

New management released this statement:

FREEDOM IS AS AMERICAN AS APPLE PIE. YOU LIKE APPLE PIE. DONALD TRUMP IS APPLE PIE. DONALD TRUMP WILL MAKE ALL OF YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE. THE LEFT IS FASCIST. THE LEFT IS COMMUNIST. THE LEFT WANTS TO TAKE ALL OF YOUR MONEY AND FINANCE MIGRANT CARAVANS AND TRAININGS IN SCHOOL THAT WILL TURN YOUR CHILDREN GAY. ...AND NOT, LIKE, ROCK HUDSON GAY - NEVERMIND THAT. THE BIG TOBACCO WILL BE A BASTION OF STRENGTH IN THAT FIGHT FOR FREEDOM. FREEDOM IS WHAT YOU WANT. FREEDOM IS WHAT THE UNITED STATES HAS. NO OTHER COUNTRY IN THE WORLD HAS FREEDOM. ANYONE WHO SAYS DIFFERENTLY IS A LEFTIST. LEFTISTS ARE THE ENEMY. IF YOUR MOMMY IS A COMMIE, THEN YOU GOTTA SHOOT HER DEAD. PATRIOTISM IS THE HIGHEST CALLING THAT YOU CAN HAVE. JESUS WAS A PATRIOT. DONALD TRUMP IS A PATRIOT. DONALD TRUMP IS JESUS.

BAR LOWERED AGAIN

 

(Charlotte, NC) Yeah, the bar is falling like crazy. Right?

So, this isn't going to be a normal Big Tobacco article at all...

Hi, it's me, the author, Guy Geaux. Obviously, that's not my real name, but I'm not terribly well-hidden as far as anonymous internet personalities go. As an indubitably loyal follower of this site, you'll remember me from such classic fourth wall-breakers as this one.

It's come to this: I haven't posted on here in quite some time because of, well, the same stuff that a lot of other people are going through: massive influx of information coming in from all sides, most of it very negative. My way of combating this sort of situation in the past has been generally to try to improve myself, to make myself equal to it. Usually, this would mean that there would be more articles here, not fewer, because typically that sort of self-improvement (in my case) means writing more.

It's cliché to say this, but my desire to stay sane is really at odds with my desire to stay informed. And, it's a manifestation of my privilege to be able to sign off from the world and ignore the news, knowing that as a white, middle class, straight dude, I'm probably going to be about as fine as anyone can really be. I am insulated.

But, that doesn't mean that I am thrilled with the way that things are going right now. "Less than thrilled" would be downplaying affairs to the point of affecting an English sense of... hypobole. Is that a literary device? It should be. You can figure it out.

I chose the headline that I chose for this piece because it really is eye-opening to watch what the ever descending terraces of new normal have done to us as a people. The GOP somewhat anticipated the public response to their decision to not have a platform for the RNC and the subsequent campaign, by casting its completely literally fascist outline as problematic on the part of the people who will call it what it is. If you are not embracing a series of core goals, but rather taking on the attitude of "America first, we support what the President says," that is fascism. To say otherwise is to ignore the very definition of the term.

So in this dire vein, I'm announcing that I will redouble my efforts to hold myself accountable to this blog. I'm going to stay off of social media, except, perhaps to promote this. The proverbial bar may be in free fall, but I don't have to be. I want to live in a world where a person can afford to go to the doctor when they are sick, where they aren't more likely to be shot for the color of their skin or brutalized for their identity, where the system is designed to support us, rather than our supporting of it. I want to live in a world where people have basic human dignity because they are alive, not because they own things.

But, I don't.

So, we come to this:

“I wish it need not have happened in my time," said Frodo.

"So do I," said Gandalf, "and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”

I am deciding to do the best that I can to help the people who need it, and I am resolving right here and now to not feel guilty about doing what I can - as little as that might be. As I've said a million times, the best thing (My wife hates it when I say things like this.) that you can do from a standpoint of not contributing to a problematic system is to simply die - it's like the Nth Law of Thermodynamics in that way. But, no one living can fault me for being alive.

So, I am going to be more metacognitive about who I am and what I do. I am re-creating myself for the zillionth time - I know. If the past is any teacher, this won't be the last time either. But with this particular re-creation, I plan to put as much of myself as I can into this site. I have had some great ideas on here, whether that's for writing, comics, merch, vlogging, or blogging - I feel like it's, maybe, one thing I can offer. Maybe, it's not much. Maybe, it's just about nothing. Maybe, the bar lowering isn't just the world around me. Maybe, it's me, as well, deciding that my best efforts are place on this site.

Maybe.