(Greensboro, NC) After four years with a readership in the single digits, management of the Big Tobacco website has been taken over by Totenkopf, inc, a multimedia conglomerate based in Houston, TX.
"We plan to make the Big Tobacco something that people will actually read. It was run by a middling - at best middling - English teacher in North Carolina as some kind of hobby website. Initially, we didn't even realize that it was supposed to be some stupid satire thing, and we figured that we were actually acquiring an inroad to tobacco products. It wasn't until we'd already threatened a lawsuit, settled out of court, and nearly had the former owner jailed that we realized that this wasn't exactly RJ Reynolds we were dealing with. By that time, we just figured, well, we'll just turn this thing around. Its budget had been literally nothing - as in zero dollars. If we turn a profit on this, great. If not, at least we got rid of one more guy who just goes around saying, 'Orange Man Bad.' We'll make it less, you know, garbage left wing propaganda."
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| Corporate restructuring at the Big Tobacco |
The new management is sorting through corporate mission statements and a variety of strategies with an eye to undermining the anti-Christian, antifa, anarchist, leftist aristocracy headed, not by its current figurehead, Joe Biden, but a pedophile cult of lizard people beyond the ice wall that surrounds the known world. As many of those who are not in the thrall of the mainstream media already know, this cabal is led by none other than Hillary Clinton, also known as the Butcher of Benghazi and the Empress of Erased Emails.
Before being brutally murdered in broad daylight escorted off of the premises, former owner of the Big Tobacco had this to say:
"These guys are a bunch of corporate freaking Nazis! You have to help me! I don't even know what they want with my piddly little rag! I'm nobody! Nobody! If they can do this to me, they can do this to anyone! Help! Help!"
New management released this statement:
FREEDOM IS AS AMERICAN AS APPLE PIE. YOU LIKE APPLE PIE. DONALD TRUMP IS APPLE PIE. DONALD TRUMP WILL MAKE ALL OF YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE. THE LEFT IS FASCIST. THE LEFT IS COMMUNIST. THE LEFT WANTS TO TAKE ALL OF YOUR MONEY AND FINANCE MIGRANT CARAVANS AND TRAININGS IN SCHOOL THAT WILL TURN YOUR CHILDREN GAY. ...AND NOT, LIKE, ROCK HUDSON GAY - NEVERMIND THAT. THE BIG TOBACCO WILL BE A BASTION OF STRENGTH IN THAT FIGHT FOR FREEDOM. FREEDOM IS WHAT YOU WANT. FREEDOM IS WHAT THE UNITED STATES HAS. NO OTHER COUNTRY IN THE WORLD HAS FREEDOM. ANYONE WHO SAYS DIFFERENTLY IS A LEFTIST. LEFTISTS ARE THE ENEMY. IF YOUR MOMMY IS A COMMIE, THEN YOU GOTTA SHOOT HER DEAD. PATRIOTISM IS THE HIGHEST CALLING THAT YOU CAN HAVE. JESUS WAS A PATRIOT. DONALD TRUMP IS A PATRIOT. DONALD TRUMP IS JESUS.
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