Biden Sells 2024 Victory to Israel along with Weapons

This image was NOT AI generated. Really.

 (Washington, DC) Just days after the United States blocked a ceasefire resolution to help the embattled residents of Gaza, the Biden administration has decided to go ahead with a $106 million dollar sale of any chance that the current President will remain President after next year's election. Already, Biden's critics are blaming him for ongoing US involvement in Russia's war on the Ukraine. American Democrats, still trying to figure out if it can be considered antisemitic to cough in the presence of an Israeli, are conflicted about whether or not Palestinians should be alive.

"On the one hand, you've got this horrific attack by Hamas on October 7th," says Cory Booker, a democratic Senator from New Jersey. "On the other hand, you've got the real prospect of being called antisemitic by people if you say anything against the Israeli people. It might be tempting for us to come down on the side of, you know, not genocide, what with that being 'wrong' and all. But I want the soldiers in the IDF to know that I stand with them. I do. Right now, we're at almost 18,000 deaths there. That's more than ten times the number of people that the Hamas attack killed. I think we can do better. I think we can hit 30,000."

Donald Trump weighed in against his assumed contender for the Presidency in 2024, saying this:

Look, Biden's weak. We all know it. We all know it. He's weak on Ukraine. Weak on Russia. Weak on his son's laptop. He's just weak and feeble and an election stealer. If I were President, there wouldn't even be a Gaza. I'd have armed the Israelis so well that if Hezbollah so much as farted in their direction, we'd be looking at a parking lot clear to the ocean. That's right folks: one big, beautiful parking lot for a mall. Piles of skeletons underneath, but you can't see skeletons under a parking lot. You can't. And so, this is how it goes, ladies and gentlemen, weak Biden with his under 20k corpses in Gaza. Bibi, you know me. You know I wanted you to beat those corruption charges without having to let Hummus take a pot shot at your people. And what is Hummus anyway? Chickpeas, folks. That's what it is: chickpeas. These chicks, with their peas, they're trying to take away our kids' sports, folks. You know that? It's true. They're trying to put men in our kids sports. Transage-ist they're calling it.

The comment lingered on with nothing more comprehensible. Trump supporters were quick to point out the aging current President's purported declining mental stability.

When reached for comment, President Biden's administration released this statement:

Due to the horrific nature of the attack on October 7th, the United States is standing by Israel, our ally, no matter what may occur. Whether that be the destruction of an entire people, the reviling of our country by the entire international community, or me, losing the Presidency next year because no one who believes that the residents of Gaza are human beings will vote for me now. We are committed. We are supporting our ally, even if it ends up being our last one left. President Zelensky, I wish you good luck. You're going to need it. We have a newer, easier enemy to fight. This battle is one we can win.

The sale of the Presidency will net Israel much needed tank ammunition as it takes on more and more buildings, children without shoes, and-

[Message cut off due to Patriot Act 2.0, clause XV: Any US resident speaking ill of US involvement in any overseas operation, military or civilian, will be subject to immediate internment and interrogation.]

Writers for the Big Tobacco were asked for comment, but they were too busy doing this:

Radical dude! We're waterboarding in Guantanamo Bay!

Man Who Has Never Read A Book Has Concerns About What Children Are Reading

(Quartain, TX) As 2023 sees new laws coming into effect all over the nation, a number of cultural battles are being highlighted. Among them, concerned teachers, parents, and students are having to justify their choices when it comes to what is appropriate for students to read. One Texas man is speaking out about what he feels are poor choices in our public education system.

"It seems to me," says Erik Dimarco, cryptocurrency enthusiast and YouTube viewer, "that if you teach our kids about what sex is, they're eventually going to want to have it. I mean, it happened to me. It can happen to anyone. They taught us about sex as early as the fourth grade, and the next thing you know, I'm thirty-six and I still really want to just, you know, get laid. I've seen videos of people doing it, and it looks amazing. This one time..."

Dimarco went on to describe, in graphic detail, a pornographic video that he watched instead of reading anything, which he has never done.

"They tried to make us read books in school, but I was too much of a free thinker," he continued. "I couldn't be stuck on some page for hours at a time. People who do that... I think there's just something wrong with them. But yeah, I heard that there's porno in books now, too. That's just polluting kids' minds. And how do we know what those kids are reading? We'd have to read the books, too, just to stay on top of them. It's just mind-blowing to me that we've got teachers out there who are telling kids that they should be able to read what they want. Is that really what we want to do? Is that really who we are? What if a kid reads about a gay and he turns into a gay?"

When pressed for detail about whether or not this can happen, Dimarco said that he wasn't sure, but he wasn't about to read a book to find out.

YAY!!! 2023 EXPECTED TO BE WARMEST YEAR YET!

 

(Worldwide) With climatologists ranking 2022 as the fifth warmest year since record keeping of this kind began, the expectations for average temperature in 2023 are high.
The report has met with an ecstatic response from summer enthusiasts all over the world.
"Eternal summer? What could be better?" asked surf shop owner Hal Fenwick, of Sandhall, SC.
"Warmer weather is, like, more, you know, good for plants and stuff, isn't it?" pointed out Bill Greene, a local GED aspirant and Sandhall's only amateur tour guide.
His opinion has been echoed by those on Capitol Hill. Moreover, it reflects a shift in responses to Climate Change, something vehemently denied by many Republican politicians.
"As we see public perception of the warming phenomenon change, along with some of my colleagues' arrival at a middle school level of scientific literacy, it's going to become important for us as a culture to recontextualize the idea of a warming world," said Rep. Steve White (R - TX). He went into further detail, saying, "Instead of James Inhofe bringing a snowball onto the Senate floor, we're looking more at the silver lining. I mean, who doesn't like summer? When I was a boy, we loved it. Beach trips. Girls in bikinis. No school. I mean, this is a win-win if we play it right."
In response, Rep. Susan Gordon (D - VT) fired back, "Are you kidding me? You know warmer temperatures mean more droughts, more and stronger hurricanes, desertification, destruction at all levels!"
Republicans, however, were too captivated with White's words to issue a response, as they were already in talks to draft an "Endless Summer Bill" that would end public education forever, thereby creating a space for even larger tax cuts, ending politically charged teacher's strikes, and ensuring that future generations would not have access to information or reasoning skills that might lay the blame for catastrophic societal and anthropological shift on the backs of those who not only did nothing to prevent it but actively tried to silence activists in favor of their own interests.

Editor's note: Recognize this article? Yes! It's a repost from 2019! Ha ha ha ha ha... We had no idea what was going to happen in 2020 at that point - imagine!