Suez Canal Clear, Global Economy Free Again to Destroy Itself

Blockages of this sort will be common if the global economy doesn't start taking better care of itself.

(Planet Earth) - At around 3 pm local time, the Ever Given container ship finally cleared the section of the Suez Canal it had been blocking for the past six days. Experts suggest that fallout from the incident will have far-reaching and unpredictable effects on a global economic system that is already problematic on a systemic level. Having captured the attention of the public for about as much time as the public has to make meaningless memes about the situation, most major news outlets will have all but forgotten about it in the next... oh, about fifteen minutes - and that's being generous.

"Last year Australia caught on fire," said UC Berkley sociologist, Alvin Montag. "That captured the world's attention for... what a week? The crises that we're experiencing as a global culture, as a species, they're just too far-reaching and complicated for any single one of us to really understand, let alone do anything about. This was a pithy headline. A meme. The people who are going to really lose out from this are people who are already losing every day. And honestly, they probably aren't going to even know that it's this that's doing it to them. The global economy is an obese, drunk giant that doesn't know what it's doing, why it's doing it, and how many people are injured or killed because of it. The Suez blockage is very much like a minor heart attack in the body of a person who is indubitably set up for every health problem for which we have names. We're celebrating this ship emerging from the canal when everyone should be in absolute and utter horror that we don't know and, frankly, don't care to know what effects this will have and why those effects are dangerous."

We sat down with several average US residents to talk to them about the crisis in the Suez, and they had this to say:

Fran Denny of Davenport, IA, "I remember the Suez. That was in Billy Joel's 'We Didn't Start the Fire!' He talks about trouble in the Suez; it's like it was prophetic or something!"

William Smith of Lucerne, GA, "Suez... that's in, like, China, right?"

Harley Jacobs of Fort Worth, TX, "This better not change the release date for the iPhone 13. Like, does anyone know if it's going to? Seriously, get it together people. #bebetter."

Robert Samuels of Freelig, OR, "Oh my god, this again? Get over it people. We need to focus on the real issues: Biden fell down Air Force One steps, and it's disgusting how the MSM isn't covering it like they did when Trump would call COVID, the Kung Flu."

We reached out to some of the heads of various industries to talk about crises in global culture, ecology, and economics, but they were too busy golfing with the actual human heads to reply.

Nation's Humor Websites Running Out of Ways to Make Mass Shootings Funny

 

The red dots will eventually form pustules and run.

(USA) With two mass shootings within days of each other, denizens of the United States are and have been numbing to the presence of this kind of violence in their daily lives. Many gave up hope after the Sandy Hook shooting that claimed the lives of twenty-six people, twenty of whom were children. The logic is basically that when twenty children are slaughtered by a madman with a gun, someone will probably do something about the presence of guns. No substantial regulation has been passed since then. Right wing ideologues went so far as to deny that the Sandy Hook shooting ever happened, claiming an overblown conspiracy to try to limit Second Amendment rights. The idea that crisis actors were employed to drum up public support for gun control was echoed after the shooting in Parkland, Florida that claimed the lives of seventeen people.

"It's a crisis," says satirical blogger, Owen Fredrick of San Antonio, TX. "I don't think people realize how this dichotomy is playing out in the media. You know, the actually fake media. The Onion doesn't even try anymore. They just run the same headline because it's, well, it's the same old story. It's something like, ''No Way to Prevent This,' Says Only Nation Where It Regularly Happens.' It might be because there really isn't a single damn funny thing about shootings like this. But, you know, it's our job to try and make it funny. Laughter is a coping mechanism, and since the government is in the thrall of the gun industry, no one's going to do anything. So what is there for it? Coping. Right? I don't know. I just can't find it funny."

"It's hilarious," says Strategic Armory Corps, LLC executive Marcus Jackson. "A good shooting now and then scares the bejeezus out of the public. You get your lesbians out in the street screaming about taking away the AR-15, and all the NPR bozos saying that we need to restore the assault weapons ban. But we own them. We own the guys who make the decisions. So, even though it's nothing to worry about, the gun owners freak out because they think that their rights are going to be stripped away, and they buy a shit ton of guns so that they can hold onto them if there's some sort of lefty takeover. I'm sorry, did I say the quiet part out loud? Is that what the kids are calling it these days? Yeah, well, guess what? I don't care. The fact is nothing is going to change. Nothing."

Mr. Jackson was unable to be reached for further comment because the Big Tobacco hung up on him. 

Mr. Frederick had this to say, "Maybe, this week, I'll run a title about the 'Mental Health Crisis' that gun nuts are always pointing at when a white guy goes out and ventilates a preschool or a drug store. I actually agree that there is a mental health crisis - several of them, in fact. The one that ought to be addressed in terms of the Second Amendment is the fact that we keep doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. What's that sound like to you? Anything else dealing with mental health, these are the same people who are pushing the kind of toxic get-up-and-go that creates issues like this. They don't want to fund mental health support systems, but they want to point at it as a crisis every time someone says there's a problem with guns. That's insane! It really is. And, now that I've explained it out loud, it's not funny anymore! Argh! What the hell am I going to write about?"

THIS TRUMP SUPPORTER THINKS THAT ANDREW CUOMO IS DISGUSTING

Cuomo is on the left, if you're having any trouble.

(New York, AL) "He's disgusting. The way that he treats women makes me ashamed to be in the same country with him. All those COVID deaths that he could have done something about - can't we bring him up on some sort of criminal charges for that? I just can't believe people voted for this guy and continue to stand by him. It's like they don't even care what he's done. I don't care how many times they have to impeach him to get something to stick. We've got to hold our leaders accountable. Can you imagine if Trump behaved that way?" said Richard Hotchkiss, the manager of a pool supply store.

The fifty-one year-old was speaking about Governor Andrew Cuomo, who has, in recent days, come under fire for sexual harassment allegations and a scandal surrounding coronavirus deaths in New York nursing homes. Despite Democratic leadership calling on the New York politician to resign, he has refused, saying that he will not "bow to Cancel Culture."

"I've learned the lessons of Donald Trump," Cuomo said in a press conference outside of the governor's mansion yesterday. "If you just keep doing the same stuff, accuse other people of doing what you're doing, and live by the simple axiom: if it's good, I did it; if not, my detractors did it. If they can't cancel Donald Trump, I can't see why they'd be able to cancel me. I'm from New York. I'm a white guy."

When asked about top Democrats demanding Cuomo's resignation, Hotchkiss had this to say:

"It's just that they're so into their Cancel Culture that they can't see the good things that he's done. As soon as one of them says anything bad - no matter if it's true or not - the entire left just has to get rid of the person. They're like a cult. It's demonic is what it is. I can't believe that they treated Trump like- oh, wait, Cuomo? Yeah, he needs to go. Now. Yesterday. As soon as possible."

Donald Trump couldn't be reached for a response, as he was too busy governing the country after his 2020 re-election.

DISCRIMINATION AGAINST NAZIS AT LEAST TWICE AS BAD AS ANY OTHER GROUP

Prejudice Against a Minority

(Arlington County, VA) Prejudice is nothing new in the United States, and violence against marginalized groups is more common than many people would like to admit. Steps have been taken to mitigate difficulties faced by racial, ethnic, sexual, and religious minorities across the country. The Southern Poverty Law Center maps hate groups for a number of reasons from tracking their effect on communities to analyzing the current political climate.

"It's like a goddamned registry," says Shane Remington, an officer in the American Nazi Party. "People get so upset about us trying to figure out how the Jews are influencing policy and sending them deaths threats and such. But when it comes to us, forget about it. We are so discriminated against for our discrimination."

Unlike passive racism and systemic injustice, Remington points out that the agents of this prejudice are not ashamed and do not deny their prejudice.

"They're happy about it. 'Only good Nazi is a dead Nazi.' I've seen that on bumper stickers. Can you imagine if we were saying that about n*****s? I mean, we are. Also, I have those bumpers stickers on my truck. It doesn't run or anything, but you can see the stickers. I'm proud, and I don't care who knows it."

The prominence of white nationalist groups and their intersectionality with the "alt-right" has brought them to the fore of US politics in ways totally new to anyone who has the privilege of being able to ignore them. The Proud Boys, a homosexual Twitter trend, has been confused with a western book club, dedicated to reading the works of Nicholas Chauvin, noted supporter of Napoleon.

When asked about this, Remington had this to say:

"Who in the f*** is Nicholas Chauvin? The Proud Boys got done dirt by a bunch f**s who are going to burn in hell, and if I have any say about it, a lot sooner than that-"

(Un)fortunately, The Big Tobacco was unable to get the complete statement, as our correspondent fell victim to prejudice and became part of the discriminatory efforts to, as he put it, "beat the ever-loving s*** out of any and all Nazis, everywhere." We believe that this was the product of hate being taught at home, as his grandfather was awarded a Silver Star for killing dozens of Nazis in the mid-1940's.