SIMPLY SOUTHERN LAUNCHES NEW "NOT HATE; HERITAGE" LINE

Greensboro, NC - The manufacturer Simply Southern is launching a new product line this week. While many Southerners are hailing the company's re-branding as artistic and fearless, not everyone is in agreement.
"My husband and I had always thought that the use of the 'S.S.' logo was an unfortunate - and I'm just going to say it - stupid coincidence, but this is just unbelievable," said Rebecca Horowitz, a local attorney.
Horowitz is referencing the company's use of Armanen Runes to replace the capital 'S's as the first letter of each word. This is the same design that was used by the Schutzstaffel, also known as the SS, in Nazi Germany. As part of the re-branding, the Simply Southern has launched an advertising campaign that remembers the south's heritage, which - they argue - is not to be mistaken for hate. Erwin Fuchs, a spokesperson for the company, released this statement:

"We have every right to use this logo as legitimate members of the capitalist democracy, the United States. Our company is dedicated to remembering the distinctive heritage of our native born brothers and sisters. We will not allow others to cloud our history with lies, try to cause us to feel shame for who we are, or infiltrate our ranks with their apologist absurdity that denigrates our birthright!"

The statement was echoed by local supporters of the manufacturer.

"It never was about hate! States rights! Heritage!"
"Southern by the grace of god, y'all!"
"Ain't nothin' wrong with bein' white! Got nothin' to hide!"
"Trump 2020! Make America Great Again!"
"Affirmative action means there ain't no such thing as white privilege!"

The speakers declined to be identified by name.

NEW NORTH CAROLINA DISTRICT LINES INCLUDE RELOCATION PLANS AND EMPLOYMENT

Raleigh, NC - This past May, the Supreme Court found that some of North Carolina's districts had been flagrantly gerrymandered along racial lines.

"There is strong evidence that race was the only nonnegotiable criterion and that traditional redistricting principles were subordinated to race," 4th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals Judge Roger Gregory wrote for the court. "In fact, the overwhelming evidence in this case shows that a (black voting-age population) percentage floor, or a racial quota, was established in both CD 1 and CD 12. And, that floor could not be compromised."

Because of this, North Carolina legislators have come back to the issue with a new plan to redraw district lines. As a bold part of this new initiative, the legislature, which is currently held by Republicans, plans to enforce mandatory relocation to "make the transition more seamless and more equitable," stated Walsh Mackee, a representative for the GOP in North Carolina. Included within this plan is a new labor department measure to cut down on unemployment.
"I know a lot of the democrats will be worried about the jobs that they currently have in the places where they currently live. That's fine. We are providing new jobs in the newly drawn democrat districts," Mackee claims. He continued by saying, "There isn't enough raw resource harvesting and textile manufacture in the United States anymore. We plan to fix that right here in North Carolina. The new democrat districts will be absolutely loaded with opportunity for the hand picking of cotton. They'll get to be outside all day. They'll be with other democrats - you know that will make them happy. And, we've erected electrified fences to make sure that they're kept safe."
When asked how GOP leaders plan to identify democrats for relocation, Mackee replied, "I'm not at liberty to say. Just trust us, we've got the interests of the American people at heart."
One of his aides was reportedly caught on a hot mic shortly afterwards, saying, "We have enough brown bags to go around."

THOMASVILLE MAN KNOWS JUST WHAT "ISLAMS" ARE THINKING

Thomasville, NC - Local resident, Billy Tiffin, has recently come forward with groundbreaking intelligence of vital import to the international intelligence community. He revealed intimate and sensitive knowledge of various Muslims around the world. While not having cited any source for this information, Tiffin has released some grave news about patrons of the world's fastest growing religion:
"I kin tell you raht now - they up in them caves an' differ'nt places, plannin' for another 9/11. Sure they got ones'll pretend to be all nice and civilized, but next thing you know, it's Sheikh law in New York City. Ain't no such thing as an actual friendly Islam. They gon' come git us an' blow us up. You remember 9/11? Seems like most of y'all already plum forgot it."
Elements within the FBI and various other intelligence services declined to comment on Tiffin's claims about "Islams," other than to say, "You've got to be kidding me," and "who is printing this idiot's actual words?"
Tiffin's neighbors have corroborated his claims and rebutted those made by the FBI. Delila Good, a local hair dresser and Tiffin's next door neighbor, has posited that there are hostile elements within the government:
"You know you can't trust them FBI people. Barack Hussein Obama left a bunch of them - whaddya call 'em - sleeper cells in the gov'n'mint. They tryin' make things difficult for our real commander and chief, Mr. Donald Trump. You seen the news, aintcha? They drummin' up all this hogwash about Russia and this, that'n'somethin' else. That's just to keep us distractit from, you know, what's really goin' on."
When asked to comment further, Tiffin interrupted to point out a more shocking revelation: an inherent link within the human mind - every human mind on Earth - to the will and desires of "Islams":
"Oh come on now, they want that Sheikh law. You know that. Everyone knows'at! EVERYONE. You're jus' playin' dumb because you gotta for that, there liberal media. Know what that is? S'fake news! Donchu go 'round misquotin' me! Donchu dare! Make America Great Again!"
When asked for further comment on these discoveries, Tiffin and Good would only respond with chants of "U.S.A.," "Build the Wall," "Never Forgit," and "Make America Great Again."

DUCK DYNASTY PARAPHERNALIA SPILLS INTO DAN RIVER

Rockingham County - Having made national news some three years ago, the Dan river again is blighted with toxic refuse. In February of 2014, a pipe ruptured and spilled nearly 39,000 tons of coal ash into the waterway. The clean up was estimated at 300 million dollars. But as of today, a new threat faces the river, which flows through Caswell, Stokes, and Rockingham counties in North Carolina, as well as Patrick county, Virginia.
Sources say that a Duck Dynasty Refuse disposal site ruptured in the early hours of May 30th, and its contents have spilled into this already troubled ecosystem. While estimates are still coming in, experts put the amount of what they are calling "subsewage" at 10,000 tons, saying that this is a disaster of cataclysmic proportions and calling on North Carolina's Roy Cooper and Virginia's Terry McAuliffe to declare the affected counties in their respective jurisdictions Disaster Areas.
"What you have to understand," states Dr. William Bard, an ecologist and biologist with the Biosphere Effort of the Dan River, "is that this isn't coal ash. No. It's much worse. It could be half of the amount that got in there, and we'd still be apologizing to our grand kids... to our great grand kids. Do you want them talking like, what's his name... Uncle Si? Boil your drinking water people. Boil it, evaporate it, and catch it in a still. Maybe, twice."
Dr. Bard shuddered and returned to cleaning the river with a trash bag. Various bobble head dolls, stuffed animals, t-shirts, and other novelties - subsewage, according to the experts, should be treated as extremely toxic. Residents are asked to contact local authorities for instructions and to report exposure.

NORTH CAROLINIAN TEACHERS JOIN THE RANKS OF THE ARISTOCRATIC ELITE

Raleigh, N.C. - Former Governor, Pat McCrory, passed a teacher pay raise toward the end of his term in 2016, raising salaries across the state. Now, Governor Cooper has revealed plans to increase teacher pay again. Consistently ranked at the bottom half of the country and in the midst of a teacher exodus, the state has been grappling with educational issues for quite some time.
"We just want teachers to know that they are an important part of our state," a spokesperson for Governor Cooper told the press on Monday. "Without education, how can we progress? What hope can there be for the future?"
The state's educators, however, have had a different approach to the next round of pay raises.
"Heavens," said Brighton Amsted, "I wouldn't want to have to finance my gold-plated H2. I mean, how else do you expect me to convey myself from my vocation to my domicile?"
He paused, musing over his own words, to strike a street urchin with his yardstick.
"We teachers need to feel the appreciation of the public," stated Bellasious Ferntontruck, as she allowed several baubles, replete with precious stones, to roll over her knuckles and onto her Persian carpet. "If that appreciation is fiscal, then we daresn't refuse them. Such behavior would be utterly unbecoming of the *ahem* gentille class. Wouldn't it?"
However, a good number of North Carolinian residents are less than happy with the allocation of these funds.
"I teel you wut," said Geoff Granger, a local possum wrangler, "them scuzzimuffin tainty-daints don' know nuffin hain't been what tol' 'em."
We are to assume that Granger's words showed strong disdain for the new pay raises under Roy Cooper. He went on to say, "Seer me hin I git to ya. Ah'll wrack'n peddle'im till yurt's gon' fie!"
This probably scathing critique of the state's educators' rise from 42nd in the nation to the auspicious 41st is neither intelligible nor uncommon among North Carolinians. Meanwhile, several teachers responded to this by paying rent and student loan debts while staring on in what could only be described as existential grief.

ROY COOPER SWORN INTO WHAT REMAINS OF GUBERNATORIAL POWER

(Raleigh, NC) - Just weeks after the incumbent governor, Pat McCrory, finally conceded the contest for North Carolina's executive office, Roy Cooper was sworn in as the state's new governor. Cooper was the state's former attorney general. He campaigned on promises that include increased educational spending and a repeal of the controversial HB2 law that limits protections for the LGBT community.
"Let's see him try any of that now," laughed McCrory, as he left the smoking ashes of what had once been North Carolina's highest office, stopping to light a cigar on the smoldering pile of powers that he once enjoyed.
After calling a special session of the legislature to discuss funding relief from Hurricane Matthew and the western Carolina wildfires and "addressing any other matters that the General Assembly elects to consider."
Those other matters apparently included McCrory ceding any and all power that a governor might have or use.
"That motherfucker isn't going to be able to take a piss without a special proviso from the Republican majority in congress. Fat chance they're going to let him do that. He might use the girls' restroom! Get it!?" laughed McCrory, "The girls' restroom!?"
The former governor and gracious loser of the election slapped his knee and let out several belly laughs.
After being sworn in on January 1st, 2017, Roy Cooper then donned the "Governor's Straight Jacket," a new tradition started this year as an act of the General Assembly.
"Well, this makes a whole heap of sense," groaned Cooper, as the aides that were appointed for him by McCrory tied the sleeves of the vestment behind his back.