United States Opens Season on Protestors

The real tragedy

(Kenosha, WI) Kyle Rittenhouse and his defense team are celebrating his acquittal of all charges in connection to the shootings in Kenosha, WI. With this precedent, it can be expected that anyone who feels threatened by protests - even those who are not in their state, near them, or actually threatening in any substantial way - will be exonerated from charges up to and including murder. The gestalt effect of this will be, no doubt, an open season on any and all dissenting parties. Stock in Colt, Glock, and Beretta have already nearly doubled.
Henry "Enrique" Tarrio of the Proud Boys had this to say: “We’ve been waiting. Remember what Donald Trump said? ‘Stand back and stand by.’ Well, here we go! We’ve been standing back and standing by, and now, it’s time to roll, baby! Lock and load! All you BLM folks better run!”
Susan N. Herman of the ACLU responded, “What in the flying f-”
She was cut off when her broadcast was shut down by a group of skinheads, KKK members, QAnon cultists, and Republicans who claimed to be “totally reasonable people.” These self-proclaimed “non-protesting, anti-protestors” riddled the broadcasting station with bullets, destroying all of the equipment inside and wounding two interns. As a preemptive legal defense, all sixteen of the white men who fired AR-15s into the studio said that they felt threatened by the ACLU president’s words. They blubbered furiously as they recalled the five syllables she was able to utter before the transmission’s signal was cut. When Herman tried to point out that she was merely exercising her First Amendment rights, the armed assailants responded that they were using their Second Amendment rights and that two is larger than one. After the pure sophistry of the statement killed the three sentient beings closest to it, Herman pointed out the nonsensical nature of their reply. All of the white men involved began crying and were exonerated immediately of all crimes, given mugs of warm milk, pats on the head, and told that they were really very good Proud Boys.

WORLD GRINDS TO A HALT AS BIG TOBACCO HALTS WEEKLY UPDATES

...but he was our Pagliacci...

(Greensboro, NC) - Local teacher, bar patron, miscreant, and pet wrangler, Guy Geaux, has revealed that he will cease weekly updates of The Big Tobacco. The move has prompted everyone from sociologists to Doomsday enthusiasts to say things like, "Who? The Big What?"

Finishing off his second beer of the evening, the writer had this to say:

"Look, we're all dead at the end of it. I just don't care anymore. Stuff's so insane that making fun of it... well... It isn't fun anymore. Will I still do this crap? Yeah, probably. Just don't come looking for it every week. That's assuming that anyone really ever did come crawling out of whatever gutter they live in to get on this page for updates. I mean, I'm still going to do other stuff - I'm not just going to rewatch 'Battlestar Gallactica' until I die. It's just that I suck at self-promotion. I started up a store and junk for this, but I can't shill the way that a lot of people shill. Maybe, my stuff sucks. Who knows? I mean, really, who can turn an critical eye on their own work and say, for certain, that it's good or bad? I waffle back and forth between thinking that maybe I've got something and that maybe it's all crap. At any rate, between the inundation of satire, the world going macrame-for-dinner crazy, and a lack of real response... well... It's not as fun as it used to be. At this point, I've got a lot on my plate. Remember, I'm one of those hero teachers that is so selfish that I wanted a vaccine before going back into the classroom."

When pressed for further comment, Guy Geaux found that he was talking to himself. Apparently, his "two" beers had been a lot more than that. He lit a cigarette and let it burn out into the ashtray while he cried into the crook of his elbow.

GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NOT NEARLY AS AWESOME AS IT SOUNDS

  

Not an actual depiction.

(Washington, DC) - As US Democrats and Republicans bloody each other over yet another impeding shutdown, political analysts and historians are cautioning the public on its enthusiasm for seizing the means of production and incinerating the powers that hold them down. Recent history has shown that a government shutdown means more that certain government workers will not be paid, but Congress can and will work together to hold back consequences for themselves.

"I feel like," sighed Dr. Julian Carlsbad, the chair of the history department at Federal University of California at Fresno, "this is really ought to go without saying, but I feel like I have to say it because our general public doesn't seem to understand that when the Congress allows the government to go unfunded, it's not going to affect them in any way that really means anything - except as a political football. You're not going to get to burn down Mitch McConnell's house or blow up Pelosi's car. Police bullets are always going to be funded."

Professor Carlsbad watched the tremors flow through his hand, swallowed, and returned his gaze to somewhere beyond the window. He continued, "Look at how the Republicans who were calling on Trump to own the shutdown are the same ones decrying the ineptness of the Biden administration in allowing one to happen. It's very nearly the opposite on the opposite side of the aisle. Democrats are upbraiding the Republicans for playing politics with the country's finances. Just like they said that they wouldn't back down against the Trump administration when the shoe was on the other foot. Don't get me wrong, it's not an equivalency; I just am getting to the point where even I can't really imagine how much worse the country would be without these people."

"It's truly amazing what we can accomplish when we work together," said Mitch McConnell, smiling as he kissed Nancy Pelosi on the mouth.

"It's wonderful darling," she replied. "It's not as though a we have anything to do with governing."

"This is a true representative democracy," cackled the two people who would never live to see Washington, DC consumed by the Potomac. "US citizens cannot agree on getting rid of us, so really, you have only yourselves to blame."

Bernie Sanders couldn't be found for comment on the subject, as his grimacing lower lip had swallowed the rest of his body.

UNMASKED BIDEN IS GREEDY REAL ESTATE DEVELOPER

Deport the Haitians! Pull troops out of Afghanistan! Mwa ha ha ha!

(Washington, DC) - After a twenty minute investigation of the White House grounds, a group of independent investigators from Crystal Cove discovered that Old Man Biden was actually a greedy real estate developer named Donald Trump. When tied up and unmasked, he had this to say:

"I've done the best- Look the job I've been doing- People think I'm nuts. They do. I mean, not you, OAN, you're the greatest. But I've just been doing a great job. Not criminal Hillary. She's the one you ought to be unmasking. Can you imagine? What do you think you'd find under the hood there? She's probably just Bill in a dress. Ew. Look, everyone knows that it was the best idea - I have a lot of wonderful ideas - everyone knows it was the best idea to pull troops out of Afghanistan. Do you think that wasn't my idea? Of course, it was my idea. I'd have gotten away with it if it weren't for you... what are you? You're not kids. The one in the neckerchief looks like he's thirty. The redhead... well... she can investigate me any time. Mrrowll... Point being, she's legal. She's definitely legal. But yeah, I am getting away with it, and there's nothing you can do to stop me!"

The teens who were revealed to not actually be teens were then gunned down by White House security. It was revealed that at least one of them was under the influence of DC's recently legalized marijuana.

 

Texas Introduces Law Protecting Vestigial Twins

The Semantics of Life

(Texas... Again...) In the wake of its controversial abortion law, Texas is rolling out even more legislation, showing a consistency in its views on what constitutes life. Legal expert, Dr. Doug McKinney of Grenton University's Law School had this to say, "If you're going to call a cluster of cells that has some manner of fibrillation 'alive,' the law would extend to a lot of other things as well. So, in places where the population isn't barking mad, people would recognize this and not write laws that way. And then you have Texas. They're getting out ahead of their own abortion lawsuit challenges by saying, 'Yes, we do think that vestigial twins are people. Who is to say that you're not their twin?' Obviously, this is complete malarkey, but then again, telling a woman that something her body might just miscarry now has more rights than she does, and that her neighbors can be rewarded for dropping a line to the police that she may have tried to do something about that... It's not such a far cry to see people saying that a chest growing out of your shoulder should be able to vote or something like that."

The US Supreme Court is expected to uphold the law because Justice Kavannaugh's friend, Squee, was once a vestigial twin himself, only having been surgically detached from the recently appointed judge after college.

"Yes, we believe that women should have bodily autonomy," said Amy Coney Barrett. "Just not in any way that really matters. That fetus could be a boy. That vestigial twin might only ever be a stomach growing out of your elbow, but if it has a pulse, I think it should be allowed to vote. After all, look at all of the human beings in our government who lack other basic features of humanity. I heard that Mitch McConnell was actually critical of heartbeat bills because they would have done nothing to protect him."

United States Celebrates Twenty Years of Never Forgetting

 

American life mattered a lot to the people who then sent thousands of US soldiers to die in places completely unconnected to this event.

(United States of America) This week marks twenty years since the largest terrorist attack on US soil. The country's "Global War on Terror" has killed an estimated 800,000 people at this point, displacing and injuring even more. As troops pulled out of Afghanistan this past August, many Americans remembered that they were never going to forget.

"Yeah, I was working at Chili's that day," said Fabian Manning. "I remember it was weird because we didn't close, but everyone was just watching the TV as stuff went crazy all over the place. A lot's different now, I mean, I don't work at Chili's anymore; I'm at TGIFriday's. I moved from Cincinnati to Cleveland. I mean, I remember September 11th. A lot of these kids, they just don't know. Like, yeah, it changed things. That's what we're supposed to remember, right?"

Several people had trouble what it was, exactly, that they were supposed to be remembering.

"I mean, like, a lot of people died that day, right?" said Emma Cleery. "Like, if we don't remember them, then, poof, they just completely stop existing. We've got to remember them. Never forget, right?"

"I feel like we were supposed to use it as like a grudge," commented Lee Acosta. "Like, never forget! You know? People did this to us; we can't just forget about it. We have to make the bad guys feel the pain, right? Well, Obama got Osama, so we're good now right?"

"We were supposed to remember what things were like beforehand. Like how dumb we were, thinking that the world just loved us and was going to let us be. No, we have to remember that we can be attacked at any time. We have to be completely vigilant and ready to kill as many people as possible necessary to maintain our way of life," wrote Alfred Bonham. "It's a promise. We won't forget because we won't get caught with our pants down again. Never again."

"Isn't it like we should make our losses mean something? How about we learn from this and try to create a world where the geopolitics aren't amenable to something like this happening ever again?" said Georgia Burnhardt. "No? We're just going to let stuff keep happening like this? Good grief. It's not like we never forgot. We never even acknowledged."

Meanwhile, terrorist training camps and extremist groups found that their rooms were just the way they left them when they headed into the mountains of eastern Afghanistan to wait out the US occupation that, despite excruciating losses of human life and billions of hours of effort invested, was unable to create a stable enough government to fend off the fighters it had once armed and supported (as recently as last month.) 

Marking the End of the Roe v. Wade Era, Planned Parenthood Announces 2-for-1 Deal

 

These faces show the five seconds of contemplation before setting women's rights back by, oh, almost fifty years...

(Texas and Washington, DC) As the Texas law that makes abortion illegal as soon as the fetus has "a heartbeat" took effect this Wednesday, challenges to its legality have already arisen, and the Supreme Court appears to be allowing the law to stand. Additionally, the law incentivizes the general public's policing of the ban. $10,000 bounties are to be paid for law suits that successfully interfere with an abortion. As this will inherently challenge other states' abortion laws, and the Supreme Court is upholding it, investments in companies that produce Handmaid garments have already exceeded a 500% increase. Additionally, Planned Parenthood appears to be trying to get ahead of the problems that they expect to see in the coming months. We spoke to a representative from the nonprofit organization.

"Everyone knows that abortion is just the attempt of loose women to continue living their sinful lifestyles," said John White. "If they had to actually have the baby every time they had sex, they'd choose their partners a lot more carefully. Instead of going out with guys like Trent Halifax from my seventh grade English class, they'd have to go for better choices, like nice guys, like me."

Excuse us. That guy claimed to be from Planned Parenthood on the phone. He was just some guy.

"So we're just getting back to policing women's bodies and punishing them for having sex," said Brenda Tarrington actually of Planned Parenthood. "Well, we're going to make hay while the sun shines. All of our services are now two-for-one. I mean, obviously, we do a heck of a lot more down here than abortion, but that's in there, too. Oh? It isn't obvious that we do a lot more than provide abortions? So you mean to tell me that the general public has been misinformed about what we do? Imagine that."

Halloween Adventure

 

THE UNITED STATES SURRENDERS TO TALIBAN AND DELTA VARIANT

Why does the flagpole say, "Сделано в СССР?"

(Kabul, Afghanistan) - With the Taliban on the cusp of total victory in Afghanistan, the few US diplomats and soldiers are fleeing Kabul. The news comes as a shock to anyone who is completely ignorant of the region's history and the lessons of Sylvester Stallone's "Rambo III." With the deaths of nearly 2,500 US servicemen, more than 3,800 private contractors, and over 66,000 Afghan security forces, the grim reality is settling over those who are paying attention.

"It's incredibly tragic," says Dr. Raahi Ghulam Sakhi of Fortick University's Department of Afghanistan Studies. "Of course, when Bush, Obama, Trump, and Biden made promises about the future of our country, we knew that they were just saying whatever they felt was politically expedient to get the public off of their backs. The truth of the matter is that you have a group of people who feel deep traditional and cultural connections to this place, and any invader will find it too inhospitable and remote to hold on for long. When they run out of reasons to stay, they will leave and the elements that are rooted here will return."

In similar fashion, the US has already abdicated responsibility for a tertiary wave of COVID-19 deaths, caused largely by a highly contagious variant, coupled with misinformation and denials with regard to vaccination and best practices with regard to masks and social distancing. After the alarming number of deaths this past winter, case numbers trended downwards in an encouraging fashion, so businesses and local governments rushed to reopen. Now, with daily infections reaching over 100,000, some politicians have taken the view that the variant has won and are pulling resources away from prevention.

"It's a classic move," says historian Fred Adagio, "This is Vietnam War era stuff. Just declare victory and go home. You know you can't win, so you just pretend you did. The history books - as long as there are some - are either going to drag us over the coals for this, or they're going to be written by such absurd revisionists that they're going to deny this ever happened. It's horrifying."

MARVEL CELEBRATES 327th SPIDER-MAN RETCON

 

Again!? Argh! Just let me die!

(New York, NY) - As the comic book industry booms, Marvel comics pays homage to one of its most popular characters, Spider-man, by cashing in on the web-slinger yet again. First appearing in the comic book Amazing Fantasy #15 in 1962, the superhero is one of the most popular and recognizable in existence. The intervening fifty-nine years have made their share of changes to the beloved character, and now, under pressure from Disney, the wall-crawler is getting one more bump in retroactive continuity.

"What we really wanted to see was more money from this character," says Disney executive Sam Bush. "I mean, he's already made us literal boatloads of cash. Tons. It's incredible. But we wanted more. We want so much money. And you know what makes money? Selling Spider-man in a new package. Well, we got together and said, 'How do we sell this character in a way that we haven't before? We've checked all the minority boxes, right? Or have we?' That, my friends, is where we hit pay dirt. It was so obvious. We want money to pimp out Spider-man... well, what if we were to make him a sex worker? Like, it's so obvious. He'll be, like, the fourth or fifth sex worker super hero, but this is just turning the metaphor into the reality."

So far, the fan reaction has been mixed. Canonical purists have argued that the character should retain his original formula, after all, it's what piqued their interest whenever it was that they started reading the comic books or watching the TV shows or movies. Robert Kingsley of Dayton, OH had this to say about protecting the heritage of fictional superheroes:

"A sex worker? What are you, kidding me? This is insane! The character used to just put himself in mortal danger by fighting bad guys in spandex to make ungodly sums of money for the bigwigs at Marvel. He had problems, but, like my real life problems, they were all wrapped up in a few pages. Sure, they might have taken a few issues if they were really big problems, but how will our kids learn anything from a sex worker Spider-man? I mean, it's not like they're going to learn anything in school, and I'm sure not going to teach my kids. We need a Marvel role model."

On the other hand, some fans say that the evolution of superheroes is necessary for them to stay relevant and to reflect the times in which they are being written. YouTuber Sapho Glick had this to say:

"Of course, Spider-man needs to be a sex worker. This is part of his growing up as a character. I applaud Disney and Marvel for taking this brave step. They have in no way paid me off to commercialize my video blog in an attempt to garner praise for this move. However, if they were going to, they could contact me with the link in the comments. My values are certainly for sale, and I could just as easily take a contract from DC comics to talk about how regressive the Marvel characters are. Just remember, value is value, and buying up my morals really works best if you're first into the pool, so to speak."

Anje Grobbe is a sex worker in Amsterdam, and we reached out to her for comment. While we tried to talk to a lot of people in the city's red light district, she was the only one to write back, saying this:

"Who cares? You're an adult, and you're getting worked up over whether or not a fictional character is or isn't something? That's stupid. The world is in crisis. Concern yourselves with things that matter. Spider-man is for children."

NOTE: The Big Tobacco editors were unable to be reached for any editorial on this because they were too busy trying to figure out how to monetize this blog.

HOLOCAUST DENIER USES HOLOCAUST PARALLEL IN ANTI-VACCINE RHETORIC

You're not seeing things; people do this.

(Gale, AK) - Dale Jeffries, a local rancher, has been more than a bit skeptical of the Holocaust ever since he read about it in white supremacist literature shortly after having learned to read at twenty-five. The thirty-four year-old believes that powerful liberals, in league with the (not yet formed) nation of Israel, concocted an elaborate lie so that they could gain a foothold in the Middle East. Furthermore, Jeffries believes that this lie and the nation that it supposedly spawned will play a large role in the "end times."

This belief, however, has not stopped him from using imagery that likens the plight of Jews in Nazi-occupied Europe to those who refuse to get vaccinated. To many, this might seem contradictory, but Jeffries is untroubled by the seeming conflict in his views and his message. He had this to say:

"Having us prove vaccination to get on a plane is just like what the Germans didn't do to the Jews. There's no evidence of them ever having done that, just like there isn't any evidence of the virus that supposedly killed all these people. You know what's killing them? It's the 5G that all these Jews are putting up. It's those same Jews who were not in any way persecuted exactly like we're being persecuted right now."

Jeffries began to explain that it's frustrating to be unable to take a plane anywhere because he'd like to finally prove once and for all that the Earth is flat.

"It's just another way that the government is trying to keep us from finding out the truth. Anyone who knows is silenced, exactly like the Germans didn't do to countless people until 1945. I've done my research, and it was all right out in the open on YouTube. You just watch: they'll take that channel down for 'misinformation,'" continued Jeffries, "They already took down a few of them, just like the Kristallnacht that in no way happened back in 1938. I mean, granted, people just put them right back up, and thank goodness they do. We need people to tell us what's really going on, and you can bet that I'm not going to listen to anyone in the mainstream. If I did that, I'd probably be like the rest of you sheep who can't see through the moon landing. How're you going to land on the moon? You see how small it is?"

AREA MAN HOSPITALIZED DUE TO SINCERITY DEFICIENCY

It's wonderful. (He means it's obviously terrible.)

(Greensboro, NC) - As misinformation reaches peak saturation levels on the internet, humanity has struggled to keep up with this fundamental change in how we communicate. Much of what one is likely to find on the internet is intentionally false with the intent to mislead, false with the intent to entertain, ignorant of facts, open to interpretation, and/or steampunk. This, coupled with a desire to avoid error and humiliation, is shaping human behavior in ways that are astounding linguists, sociologists, and now, medical doctors.

This past Thursday, Justin Lachowiez was admitted to Moses Cone hospital with what neurologists are referring to as "Poe's Law Syndrome."

"Mr. Lachowiez is unable to make truthful statements. Everything he says is some shade of sarcasm. It's amazing; I've never seen anything like it," says Dr. Stewart Washington, an NYU neurolinguistics expert, who is researching the phenomenon. "You can tell that he truly wants to say things that are accurate, but his mind has been so conditioned through social carrots and sticks that he cannot utter a single sincere statement. It's not difficult at all to see how this happens. Take a look on any internet message board or listen to any group of people talking in a restaurant. We use sarcasm to test the waters, as a parachute if we say something unacceptable, to defuse tension... we use it for so many things that it has replaced everything in our linguistic toolbox, so to speak. Well, if we feed certain neural pathways, those things can become compulsions. Strong aversions to words or idiomatic habits are commonplace due to societal pressures and habitual speech. It's so severe in this patient that it has completely rewired the portion of his brain called Wernicke's Area, and it is responsible for language. You can see the result."

"I'm totally fine," said Lachowiez. "Tooootally fine. Don't need to be in this place at all. Nothing serious here."

"It's likely that the patient was cowed into this by being unable to express himself for fear of ridicule, while being rewarded with laughter for making his sincerest statements sound like jokes. The dual effect of this is disastrous for an individual, but if you look at the way that we are behaving as a culture, it cannot come as any surprise," continued Dr. Washington.

A representative from Moses Cone Hospital did point out, with Mr. Lachowiez's implied approval, that the admittance form for his entrance into the facility was actually for blunt force trauma to the head that the patient received when he told his girlfriend how excited he was to hang out with her family this coming weekend.

FORMER PRESIDENT OBAMA INHABITS AMAZON CEO'S BODY TO BREAK LAWS IN THE PAST

 

Well now, this is confusing.

(It's Complicated) - Corroborating the long held suspicions of people who would do anything to double down on having voted for or supported former President Donald Trump, a new conspiracy has made its way into the public sphere. Having noted the resemblance between the Trump campaign's inaugural committee chairman, Thomas Barrack, and Jeff Bezos, people have begun to speculate that while reportedly in space, the former Amazon CEO actually went into the past to break lobbying laws on behalf of the United Arab Emirates, in order to further soil the (otherwise spotless) reputation of the forty-fifth President.

Also because of the spelling similarity between Barrack's surname and the given name of the forty-fourth President, the conjecture has added that, because Bezos was purportedly in space recently, perhaps former President Barack (not Barrack) Obama was able to possess the body of the billionaire. Many (more than you would guess) believe that targeting Donald Trump was the entire goal of the Obama administration. For instance, the absolutely concrete evidence of YouTubers and Men in Trucks With iPhones has shown beyond a shadow of a doubt that Donald Trump was able to prove that Barack Obama's birth certificate was inauthentic and a plot of Satan.

"Bezos was in space," remarked Chris Foster of Tampa Bay, FL. "You know the kind of crazy stuff that happens up there? Watch a movie, man. Stuff's insane. Do I believe that Obama's spirit entered Bezos' physical body so that they could go back in time and do stuff that would mess with the Trump campaign? The better question is do you not-not unbelieve it?"

Allen Buell, an ethanol processing companion of Foster's, had this to add:

"It's so obvious. It's, like, a vulgar display of power. The guy's name was supposedly 'Barrack;' it was totally a signal to the other time-travelling Satanists who are gearing up for Armageddon with Biden. Ever catch that about 46's name? It's 'Bye, then.' If that isn't a signal that the apocalypse is, like, here, then I don't know what is."

The Big Tobacco would like to issue a formal apology to anyone who has tried to piece this together; there was more to the conspiracy theory than this, but what few quarks remain from the ethics of journalism were enough to stop the publication of this sort of thing. We value your readership and hope to have better news to present to you soon.

2020 ELECTION CONSPIRACY THEORISTS NOW QUESTIONING FLORIDA CONDO DEATH COUNT

 

We each get one vote. "One" is a homophone for "won." Don't you get it!?

(Surfside, FL) - As the death count in the collapse of the Champlain Towers complex continues rose to 94 (as of this writing), many have seen the tragedy as a time to take stock of the nation's direction. President Joe Biden spoke to the Governor of Florida, Ron DeSantis and promised federal aid for the disaster.

"It's a tough, tough time," the president said. "There's so many people waiting. Are they alive? What will happen? And so, our heart goes out to them."

In the charged political climate of the United States, however, some of those who believe that Biden's election was not legitimate have been quick to draw parallels between the rise in vote tallies and the death count after the structure collapsed.

"Well, actually, it's really pretty obvious to anyone who's been paying attention," said Benny Woodruff of Winston-Salem, NC. "Think about it for a second, and I think you'll understand what I mean. Just, you know, think about it."

When asked for clarification, Woodruff scoffed, and continued, "How does a body count rise after the accident? Are people still dying in the collapse? No. The collapse happened, people died, but the numbers are still going up? That doesn't make any sense. It's just like when they were finding votes. And people want to come at Trump because he asked some Governors to find him votes. Well, duh! Biden and Harris didn't have to ask - they already had things locked down from the agents in the structures of power. And I bet you anything you want to bet that those who were in positions to be critical of what they were doing - you want to know who they're finding under the rubble in Florida? It's us. It's the people who knew about the corrupt Democrats. Every time they find a body under that mess, that means they've found, executed, and drained the blood of another truth-teller."

Woodruff continued to talk, but the Big Tobacco's correspondent had already gone away to his happy place, imagining that people like this didn't actually exist.

WORLD FEDERATION OF ENGINEERING ORGANIZATIONS: WE NEED TO EVACUATE THE PLANET

 

It'll all probably work out, most likely...

(Paris, France) - In the wake of a tragic condominium complex collapse in Florida, many in the United States are wondering how the catastrophe could have been avoided. Since the incident that has left more than twenty dead and over a hundred missing, information has surfaced indicating that warnings were ignored to calamitous effect. Meanwhile, a severe heatwave is scorching the western portion of the country, and many cities are reporting record-breaking temperatures.

The World Federation of Engineering Organizations has released as a statement with regard to the current state of the global climate crisis:

"We need to evacuate as soon as possible," said Dr. Rosalind Langlais of the WFEO. "Our politicians have failed to make the prevention of climate change a priority, and we are passing tipping points as quickly as we figure out what they are. Hope to avoid catastrophic change has passed, and we need to figure out a way to abandon the planet if we want to ensure the continued survival of the human race. At this point, inaction would be worse than suicidal; it would be tantamount to committing suicide by eating a poisoned version of your own will. It doesn't make any sense."

The UN seconded the need for action on the part of every nation. Globally, scientists have been calling for carbon taxes, commitments to solar and wind power, and new goals on the reduction of greenhouse gas emissions. But the United States of America, China, Israel, Russia, and the United Kingdom all said that they were 'busy,' and would make no other statements.

"You're not listening," said Dr. Langlais. "We're not saying that you need to act to prevent catastrophe; we're saying that it's too late. Humanity needs to evacuate from the Earth before our hens come home to roost. They already are, but by the time it's obvious as to what will happen, we'll be facing, perhaps not extinction, but a destruction of human society on a scale that's never happened before."

"The concerns of the WFEO are obviously worrisome," said President Biden. "We will start working on climate change immediately after we figure out bipartisanship, healthcare, immigration, infrastructure, civil rights, and why a raven is like a writing desk. We plan to take decisive action, as is the American way, when it works with what we've got going on. So, I'm thinking the third Tuesday after never?"

Dr. Langlais could not comment as her mouth was full of the revolver with which she was playing Russian roulette.

NEW TARGETED ADVERTISING COVERS UNCOMFORTABLE NEWS ITEMS

 

The news? The news is that this new Switch game rocks!

(The Internet) - Banner ads have been with many of us for as long as we have been on the internet. To most of us, they are, at worst, annoying and, at best, a diversion, inviting us to waste a few minutes or dollars on something we did not previously know we wanted or needed. Some noise has been made about whether or not user agreements to social media platforms have become nefarious incursions from capitalists, exploiting human nature to accrue vast sums of wealth.

"So what we were wondering was simply this: could we make a browser extension that makes banner ads work for you, the person browsing web pages or checking your e-mail?" asked Hank Szmanski. "What if we made the banner ad's power to distract a positive experience?"

Ostrych, a new browser extension from Szmanski's company PurCatory, promises to make the internet a more comfortable place for people who do not want to hear about the death and destruction so rampant in the news of late. Instead, it uses targeted marketing advertisements to cover up stories that the reader may find uncomfortable.

"Imagine, instead of hearing about another worker's strike being put down at the end of a truncheon, you get to see the stuff the workers were working on. Maybe, if you, the consumer, bought more things, they'd raise the wages of the workers. So, I like to think of this as a win-win. I mean, who wants to hear about a heatwave killing people off when you can learn about another documentary about the Fyre festival? We are consumers of information, and we don't want a stomach ache," commented the venture capitalist.

Critics of the idea have already taken to message boards. They had this to say:

OPINION: I want my homoeroticism completely straight!

We're waiting for someone to try to correlate concussions with homosexuality. Some idiot will try it.

(Las Vegas) - In a sport where we get to watch the beauty of the male form crashing against other male forms (don't get me started on bringing women into the mix) it's disgusting that we keep getting back to identity politics with things like race. Well, now they want to make this about sexuality. Can't we keep sexuality out of a field of testosterone-driven pinnacles of musculature and sweaty endurance? Why do we need to know about Carl Nassib's sexuality when all we want to see are these hulking forms patting butts, scoring, and tackling each other?

It just has no place in this incredibly masculine sport. There's no place for it. I know, I know, all of the left out there is going to say that the attribution of strength and fitness to big manly men implies that gays are all limp about this wrist. Maybe that's not true, but I don't want to think about it when I am thinking about them all showering together after the game enjoying one of America's favorite pastimes. Because if a big, aggressive, powerful football player can be gay, so can I and that would just crush my wife or, really, anything outside of what I've deemed acceptable in my red, white, and blue, anglosaxon, protestant household, then it messes with my Sunday. Sunday is for God and football. Football and God. Do you think God wants to watch the gays out there prancing around in the lycra that he's used to seeing his totally, completely straight teams play in? Do you think Jesus, a man who spent all of his time hanging out with his disciples or apostles or whatever - do you think he wants to know who is gay and who isn't, on Sunday?

When I was in the Navy, we never had to worry about crap like this. We just cleaned the decks, peeled potatoes, ironed our uniforms, and wrestled. We wrestled like crazy. No one talked about gays because we all just knew that we were straight. Maybe all this talk is what's making people crazy about it. We didn't talk about being gay in the eighties, and it was one of the best decades ever for entertainment. You had Queen, Elton John, WWF, Top Gun, Boy George, George Michael, and Rambo.

It's just like all this race talk, if we don't talk about it, I don't have to think about it it doesn't become a problem! There's one race: homo sapiens. There's one sex: hom  People just don't need to think about stuff like this.

- Randy "Straight Shooter" Giardino

Scientists Wrong Again, Says Proud Aries

Aries are known for being a star sign

(Augusta, GA) - At nearly four thousand years-old, the study of constellations and their relationship to our planet's solar and lunar cycles is part of human history and spans a variety of cultures and civilizations. Many people still consult guides and astrological portents with regard to making decisions and categorizing compatibility with others. Critics of the practice have called it everything from superstition to unscientific, pointing out, among other things, that the precession of the Earth over the past several thousand years would actually shift the corresponding dates with respect to the different star signs by about a month.

Brenda Williams, a local mindfulness coach, issued a scathing rebuke to skeptics of the millennia-old practice, explaining that the practice is very much scientific and credible.

"Don't believe in astrology, huh? That sounds like some Gemini stuff to me," said Williams. "Do you think anyone who is in the know about science is going to say that they don't believe that the stars control our fates? We can't see gravity, but we know it's working. It's working right now, and I heard that even the supposed scientists can't really figure out why. Well, you know what has a ton of gravity? Stars do. Constellations are made up of a whole bunch of stars. Bam. Gravity. Star signs. Science. If you say differently, it's probably because you're a Libra and just want to be contrary."

When asked to comment on cognitive biases and how exactly a scientific explanation for astrology would work, Williams had this to say:

"Science schmience. I've read my horoscope every morning for years. I know all of my friends' signs and the correspond almost perfectly with everything that their signs say about them. It influences all of my decisions. Are you just going to say that I'm wrong? Are you going to tell me that it's been telling me how to go about my business wrong? I suppose you're going to say next that I could be living my life better without some supernatural hocus pocus. Well, it gives me an edge on everyone else that doesn't do it. Do you think I could be where I am, making two thousand dollars a month by teaching my class on how to be present in the world as we are right now, if I didn't listen to the signs? Scientists probably just say this stuff because they're jealous of people like me. They used to say that smoking was good for you, and that global warming was going to kill us all. You know who's never wrong? The stars."

We asked several scientists to respond to Williams' claims, but the closest thing that we received to a response was, "You have got to be kidding me." Clearly, this was issued by a Capricorn, the most emotionally distant star sign.

Area English Teacher Fascinated by Real World Symbolism in Horrifying News

 

If you look closely enough, you can annoy anyone!

(Greensboro, NC) - Local high school English teacher and eschatology enthusiast, Sean Bienert, enjoys pointing out parallels in literature, life, and abstract poetic devices, as this is part of his job. This week, however, he exuberantly pointed out the absolutely terrifying metaphorical significance of several headlines from different news sources.

"So, Ellie Kemper was the protagonist in a show about a white girl who was kidnapped and raised in a bunker, unaware of the world outside, which she discovers and maladroitly finds her place in, to comedic effect," pointed out Bienert. "And when she was actually a teenager, she was also placed in a pageant, the paragon of absurd and often unhealthy relationships with the outside world, organized by a group that had ties to racist cultural elites, who didn't reveal their prejudices to a girl who had no knowledge of them, having been raised in a society that discourages its beneficiaries from questioning systemic prejudice?" After a long exhale, he continued. "I mean, are they going to make a show about that, too? It's obviously already been written, but do they have dialogue?"

"Bezos is going to space, huh?" groaned Bienert. "This so perfectly captures the capitalistic nature of our society that any attempt to satirize it is just going to come off as sincere. We literally have space aristocrats - they have to be above us on every level, Musk and Bezos. Jesus, even their names are terrible. Like, yeah guys, just use up all of our resources, screw up our ecosystem, and leave us with whatever scraps we can fight over. See you in the funny papers while we're living out The Sheep Look Up."

"Okay, this is probably a little bit over the top, and I stole it from a scientist friend of mine, but you can't get any more symbolic than this in the real world. Capitalism's relationship to entropy makes a fairly circular Venn Diagram. What's more capitalistic than unregulated currency? What's more capitalistic than producing absurd amounts of heat in a climate that's already heating up to an unsustainable level? Oh, I know! It's doing those things in a related fashion to create something that has no physical presence or applicability in the real world at all. As we use up the rest of the world's natural resources in an impossible attempt to sate our bottomless avarice, let's do it while creating something that goes a step farther than the old Cree adage about not being able to eat money: You can't even touch Bitcoin! While we're at it, let's flavor that whole story with a bit of the old War on Drugs!"

Bienert's friends were unavailable for comment as they had all suffered fatal ocular revolution injuries.

History Nerd Way Too Concerned With “Canon”

Remember when it was just about Hitler?

(Boston, MA) - A local discussion at a Milly's Cup o'Joe got very heated when local history nerd, Brian Taylor, pointed out several historical flaws in a hypothetical counterpoint presented by an acquaintance, Sarah Long. The two had been discussing the 1619 Project, its ramifications, and their personal feelings about it. Taylor supports schools teaching the central place that slavery and its consequences had in terms of entrenched systems and systemic injustice that persist to this day. Long was in the process of pointing out that, as residents of Boston, there really wasn't any any need for kids to learn about slavery anyway. That was when Taylor interrupted.

"Oh my god, so Brian's just this total history nerd. Nobody else cares about the shit this guy talks about. Then, he goes on and on mansplaining the hell out of how slavery was legal in Mass until 1783. Who freakin' knows that shit? Like, really, who?" bemoaned Long. "He thinks just because the facts agree with him it makes other people bad for saying them wrong or something. It's like those Star Wars kids talking all their crap about Jar-Jar Binks."

Taylor apparently implied that Long's thinking on the issue was, itself, a product of misrepresentation by public school history curricula designed to, among other things, foster patriotism in children. He claimed passionately that until the United States public school systems teach history as it happened - rather than how we would like to remember it - issues like systemic poverty cannot be addressed because they cannot even be understood.

"Then he goes off on this tangent," continued Long, "that was, well, I don't like to say this, but it was really kind of racist. He said that if we don't know history, we'll look at minorities and think, 'oh, these people are just lazy.' Can you imagine? Minorities are lazy? Who says shit like that? Racists, that's who."

"That is what I said, but I was using it to point out why some people are racist - what pretexts they use to justify themselves. At no point did I say that that was an accurate assessment of what history or sociology show!" said Taylor. "How can anyone not see that? It's like she's willfully misinterpreting what I said about the issue just to be able to say something negative about the points I was making!"

It should be noted that Long failed both English I and American History in high school, having been the last student to speak to their teacher, Franklin Puck, before he quit teaching after twenty years. Her comment decried the fact that Orwell's 1984 "happened so long ago that no one can remember that."

John Kruk Denies Allegations of Having Been an Athlete

 

Arete (Greek: ἀρετή) is a concept in ancient Greek thought that, in its most basic sense, refers to "excellence" of any kind.

(Naples, FL) - Former Major League Baseball player, John Kruk responded to allegations yesterday that he had, at one time, been an athlete. The sixty-year-old Kruk played first baseman and outfielder for three teams over the course of nine years, winning a spot on the All Star Team three times and a mention on the Philadelphia Phillies "Wall of Fame." According to Kruk, this does not mean that he was an athlete.

"You remember Little League?" he asked, "You remember being bored as all hell with your glove on your head and tossing it up in the air and catching it? Well, on the TV, they can pan away from us doing that in the outfield. They also never showed us all moving up when the pitchers came up to bat. Like, it's degrading or something. I mean, except Greg Maddux; that guy was a beast. So what they don't tell you is that most of the 'practices' and 'coaching' that we get... that's all just beer and cigarettes and women. I don't know if it's still like that, but it was kind of the best time of my life. Can you imagine? I got paid more than 11 million dollars. Do you know how much Busch that'll buy you? I don't yet. I'm still working on it."

When asked to comment a bit more on this, Kruk belched and scratched himself. Our baseball translator explained that this was a gesture of respect, but that we should move along before he spat tobacco juice at us.

Rep. Andrew Clyde: That Is Just My Normal Tourist Face

(Washington D.C.) - In reference to the January 6th, 2021 riot, insurrection, or beautiful, patriotic march of freedom - depending on whom you ask - Rep. Andrew Clyde (R-GA) made the a claim to the effect that the orderly procession could be mistaken for a normal tourist visit. However, a photo has surfaced of the lawmaker cowering behind an armed security guard. As this raised questions about his statement, Clyde responded saying, "That is just my normal tourist face." 

To corroborate this claim, the congressman released the following personal album:

Slow News Week

 

Ugh. I can only refresh social media so much.

(United States) - The US media is facing an all too familiar crisis: another week's lack of news. Ever since vaccination distribution hit a threshold where most adults in the country who would like to shots can get them, journalists are scrambling to find things that their readers and viewers may care about. Because the companies are privately run and depend on revenue to stay in business, it would appear that they are scraping the bottom of the barrel this week.
For instance, the incredibly lopsided conflict between Israel and Palestine is entering its second week. With reports indicating that as of this writing, airstrikes have killed 212 people, including 61 children in Palestine. Meanwhile, the press struggles to come up with hyperbolic phrases about Hamas "raining down missiles" on Israeli cities and killing upwards of 10 people so that they may keep using the word "conflict."
In the midst of all of this, US President Biden's administration will sell 735 million dollars worth of weapons to the nation of Israel, a move that has prompted ire among people who have been paying attention and see the residents of Gaza as human beings. Tucker Carlson had this to say, "Do you really want to hear about things like that? Does the American public want to know about stuff that's going to make it really depressed? Does it?"
If all of that were not boring enough, the US Supreme court has decided to hear Dobbs v. Jackson, a case that requires doctors who perform abortions to be able to have patients admitted to hospitals nearby. As five of the nine members in the court have expressed opposition to a woman's right to choose, this case has been touted as having the potential to functionally overturn abortion rights as they stand in the country. If you're still reading this and haven't fallen asleep yet, keep in mind that this has been the goal of a great many people who repeat things that are fundamentally in conflict with basic biology. Not only that, but this case could set back one of the primary causes of women's rights, bodily autonomy, by nearly half a century.
Hopefully, next week will provide us with some new stories worthy of your time and attention. Is Syria still going on? Is that a thing?

Matt Gaetz and Marjorie Taylor Green Launch Initiative to Apologize for US Involvement in World War II

 

"What we did was wrong, and it got a lot of people killed."

(Jennings, FL) There has been a lot of confusion about what Representatives Matt Gaetz (R-FL) and Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) are and are not doing with regard to caucuses and rallies. They did, however, kick off an America First tour in Florida with a resounding and sincere apology for US involvement in World War II, which is not a far cry from the original message of the America First Committee.

"We want to say that Charles Lindbergh was right. America should never have stuck its nose where it didn't belong - places like Europe and the South Pacific," said Greene. "Do you really think that all of our men in uniform wanted to go over there and die? And for what? We ended up destroying a lot of infrastructure in a conflict that wasn't ours to begin with. Not only that, but World War II started up the type of arms race in rocketry that would eventually lead to the space race, which would eventually lead to Solaren's space lasers that - and I don't know anything about that - but could it be at all possible that they started the California wild fires?"

"They've accused me of crimes," said Gaetz, following Greene's lead, "but you know what the real crime is? They are teaching my girlfriend/adult high schoolers/old souls in young bodies that the US cause in World War II was unimpeachable. That's insane. Who are we to say what another country should do within its own, ever expanding borders? That would be like saying that Gerald Ford should have stopped Pol Pot, Bill Clinton should have intervened in Rwanda, or that George W. Bush should have done something about Sudan. We all know that no one wanted those things, and that we were absolutely right in putting America First. Who knows how many Americans might have died if we'd tried to stop other people from killing? Well, we know that only a few hundred thousand fewer Americans died in several years of war in Europe and Asia than died of the COVID-19 pandemic."

The rally's crowd was only partially receptive to being led in the Bellamy Salute.

All Final Papers in Memetics Course Plagiarized

 

The ultimate form of communication

(Austin, TX) - Flagsdon College in Austin offers classes on memetics, or "memes" for short. There is a consistent problem in the classes that wouldn't seem that hard to predict. Professors are finding it hard to curtail the copious amounts of plagiarism they are finding in the work students hand in.

"The final exam was an essay question about whether or not the students found memes to be more indicative of currents within culture or influences upon it. Every single paper I graded was some iteration of the same paper. Same sources. Same quotes. Same thesis. Not only did the students not do any thinking of their own, they didn't even seem to feel the need to hide the fact that they weren't. It's crazy. I've never seen anything like this in my life, and I used to work in public school."

Students, however, had plenty to say in response. Graham Yustid is a junior and doesn't seem to mind a poor grade.

"Oh, that class? Yeah. I took it for, I don't know, some kind of credit. The thing is, it's like, I don't even really need to get a specific degree, so long as I have one. Companies are a lot more interested in hiring people they can rely on as indebted to a system. I mean, if they know that your student loan Shylocks are coming for you, they'll totally hire you because then they own your ass. It was, like, that or join the Marines, I guess," he said after taking a drag on a Parliament and a sip from his PBR.

A lot of professors are having trouble keeping up with the students as many of them have been grafted into the program from other disciplines.

"One of my students sold a picture of the syllabus online as an NFT," said Dr. Richard Pleeker. "I was actually really impressed with how well she seemed to have understood the class and its utility. What I hadn't expected was that it fetched more than I make in a year."

Raven Jefferson, the student in question, had this to say about the NFT and the class that she took on memes:

"Really? Memes? I took the class because I thought it was going to be about something. Sort of like why I came to school here. Guess what? It's not. It's stupid and pointless. Everything else in this crazy society just seems to be another way to get into debt, to have to work some drone job, to be a cog in a machine that keeps expanding itself. People talk about the potential energy consumption that Block Chain creates, but the truth is that if we didn't have such a stupidly capitalistic system, we wouldn't even be worried about crap like this. Oh, and you can take my statement, write it down, screenshot it, and make an NFT that - for no reason in particular - some idiot will buy. Why? Because I'm hot. That's it."

USA CELEBRATES THE END OF RACISM

 

Finally, the last racist person ever has been arrested

(USA) -  This week the trial of Derek Chauvin concluded, finding the Minneapolis police officer guilty on all counts. The forty-five year-old was recorded kneeling on the neck of George Floyd for nine and a half minutes, killing him. Much has been made of the race of victims of police violence, inflaming reactions from the left and the right. People who do not understand how numbers work often point out that more white people are killed by the police every year, failing to acknowledge that only 13.4% of the country is black and, therefore, not commensurate with the statistics. However, with the conclusion of Chauvin's trial, social media exploded with posts about the bright future of a society without racial injustice.

"I am so happy with this. I feel like we can finally all come together now," tweeted AllytheAries.

"Excited for Floyd's family," posted Hadyn Chesterfield.

"RACIAL EQUALITY, FINALLY!!!" shouted YouTuber, JohnnyGorgeo$.

The Big Tobacco's analysis of these and other, similar quotes boils down to this, with regard to the identity of the posts' authors:

Say it out loud if you're having trouble. Slowly.

With remarks from Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi (also seen here), celebrations took off around the country, marking the official end of racism within its borders. Despite the laundry list of systemic problems and denials of those problems, many (white) people are finding that it is just a wonderful thing to be finished with ever having to discuss the problems of racism ever again.

GOP ON FUTURE POLICE SHOOTINGS: WE ARE ALL SINNERS AND DESERVING OF DEATH

 

Constable doing "God's work"

(Washington, DC) - With the nation reeling from three recent and highly publicized killings of civilians at the hands of police officers, calls for defunding departments across the country have grown in number and volume. A group of Republicans at all levels of the US government signed their names to a statement, preemptively excusing all acts of violence on the part of law enforcement in the future. The action was immediately condemned by anyone who can imagine being shot by police. However, signers of the statement were quick to defend their actions on religious grounds.

"Look, through one man, sin and death entered the world. We are all sinners and deserving of death," said Rep. Alex "Tex" McGrudy (R-GA). "This is just the way that the world is. If a policeman shoots you, and you die, it's because you're a sinner. I'm a firm believer in biblical truth, and if you're worried about the police, my suggestion is just that you get good with God. If a policeman shot me next week, I'd thank him because I'd be in heaven. You can't say what's going to happen out there. Blame the police? Please, blame yourselves, sinners. God's the ultimate judge, jury, and executioner. And brother, once you're dead, he's really going to execute you if you aren't good with the Lord Jesus Christ."

"He's kidding, right?" asked Rep. Brenda Herrera (D-CA). "This is just another attempt on the part of the GOP to hide its bigotry and predeliction for fascism behind religion. We cannot sit idly by and give police officers a pass on being as trigger happy as they are. It's a deeply cultural issue within police departments across the US. People like Representative McGrudy are making it even worse."

McGrudy could not be reached for further comment because he was loudly praying in a public place.

LICH PRINCE DEFEATED

 

No! My phylactery!

(London, UK) The British Royal Family released a statement saying that the Duke of Edinburgh and husband to Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, died in 1995, having formed a pact with dark powers as a way of prolonging his own life. By surrendering his vital essence to evil, the Prince became undead and was able to continue practicing his diabolical arts, such as making comments like, "Do you still throw spears at each other?" in 2002 to an indigenous entrepreneur in Australia.

While the Prince's arcane powers and demonic consorts were a family secret for more than two decades, they announced that he had been defeated by an intrepid band of adventurers, notably a cleric and a ranger, this past Friday. After enchanting the ranger's blade, the cleric was able to keep the entity of pure evil occupied with a variety of white magic spells. Having located the phylactery in a crypt beneath Buckingham palace, the ranger and her associates were able to destroy it, ending the extracoporeal presence of the Duke of Edinburgh and allowing the cleric to exorcise his physical body.

While unconfirmed, it is rumored that Prince Philip's final words were: I'll have my revenge! Wait until you find out what's keeping the Queen around!!!

Satan: Do Not Associate Me With Nike

 

The swoosh logo is offensive to anyone with any sense of decency

(Ninth Circle) - In an unexpected move, Satan, Lucifer, the Fallen One, Lord of Darkness, the Original Serpent, has called a press conference with regard to the controversy surrounding hip hop artist, Lil Nas X's shoes. The customized pairs of Nike Air Max 97's adorned with satanic icons have drawn ire from both Christians and the shoe company itself. Speaking from the Inferno's frozen lake, Satan had this to say, "I want to make it clear that I have never had any affiliation with the Nike shoe company. Their labor practices are abhorrent, and Phil Knight is just a really, really bad guy. So, this is for all of you Christians who are cutting up the Nike merchandise: if you're fine with the way that corporate America functions until my name is brought up, you're part of the problem."

The Lord of Darkness would not comment directly on whether or not he and Lil Nas X were involved romantically, as was indicated in the video.

"Did you see the end? Spoiler alert: he kills me. Do you think that's indicative of me being in a relationship with the guy?"

When asked about the shoes again, Satan went on to say, "I have hooves. HOOVES. I don't wear shoes. I don't need them. If I did, I'd be sure that they weren't made in places that make this pit - and it is a pit - look like a Sunday afternoon tea party. Do you know what they're doing to the Uyghurs in those compounds? Of course not. If you're worried about a shoe sporting my logos, you probably don't even read. I will say it one more time: I am not now, nor have I ever been, involved with the Nike shoe company."

Suez Canal Clear, Global Economy Free Again to Destroy Itself

Blockages of this sort will be common if the global economy doesn't start taking better care of itself.

(Planet Earth) - At around 3 pm local time, the Ever Given container ship finally cleared the section of the Suez Canal it had been blocking for the past six days. Experts suggest that fallout from the incident will have far-reaching and unpredictable effects on a global economic system that is already problematic on a systemic level. Having captured the attention of the public for about as much time as the public has to make meaningless memes about the situation, most major news outlets will have all but forgotten about it in the next... oh, about fifteen minutes - and that's being generous.

"Last year Australia caught on fire," said UC Berkley sociologist, Alvin Montag. "That captured the world's attention for... what a week? The crises that we're experiencing as a global culture, as a species, they're just too far-reaching and complicated for any single one of us to really understand, let alone do anything about. This was a pithy headline. A meme. The people who are going to really lose out from this are people who are already losing every day. And honestly, they probably aren't going to even know that it's this that's doing it to them. The global economy is an obese, drunk giant that doesn't know what it's doing, why it's doing it, and how many people are injured or killed because of it. The Suez blockage is very much like a minor heart attack in the body of a person who is indubitably set up for every health problem for which we have names. We're celebrating this ship emerging from the canal when everyone should be in absolute and utter horror that we don't know and, frankly, don't care to know what effects this will have and why those effects are dangerous."

We sat down with several average US residents to talk to them about the crisis in the Suez, and they had this to say:

Fran Denny of Davenport, IA, "I remember the Suez. That was in Billy Joel's 'We Didn't Start the Fire!' He talks about trouble in the Suez; it's like it was prophetic or something!"

William Smith of Lucerne, GA, "Suez... that's in, like, China, right?"

Harley Jacobs of Fort Worth, TX, "This better not change the release date for the iPhone 13. Like, does anyone know if it's going to? Seriously, get it together people. #bebetter."

Robert Samuels of Freelig, OR, "Oh my god, this again? Get over it people. We need to focus on the real issues: Biden fell down Air Force One steps, and it's disgusting how the MSM isn't covering it like they did when Trump would call COVID, the Kung Flu."

We reached out to some of the heads of various industries to talk about crises in global culture, ecology, and economics, but they were too busy golfing with the actual human heads to reply.

Nation's Humor Websites Running Out of Ways to Make Mass Shootings Funny

 

The red dots will eventually form pustules and run.

(USA) With two mass shootings within days of each other, denizens of the United States are and have been numbing to the presence of this kind of violence in their daily lives. Many gave up hope after the Sandy Hook shooting that claimed the lives of twenty-six people, twenty of whom were children. The logic is basically that when twenty children are slaughtered by a madman with a gun, someone will probably do something about the presence of guns. No substantial regulation has been passed since then. Right wing ideologues went so far as to deny that the Sandy Hook shooting ever happened, claiming an overblown conspiracy to try to limit Second Amendment rights. The idea that crisis actors were employed to drum up public support for gun control was echoed after the shooting in Parkland, Florida that claimed the lives of seventeen people.

"It's a crisis," says satirical blogger, Owen Fredrick of San Antonio, TX. "I don't think people realize how this dichotomy is playing out in the media. You know, the actually fake media. The Onion doesn't even try anymore. They just run the same headline because it's, well, it's the same old story. It's something like, ''No Way to Prevent This,' Says Only Nation Where It Regularly Happens.' It might be because there really isn't a single damn funny thing about shootings like this. But, you know, it's our job to try and make it funny. Laughter is a coping mechanism, and since the government is in the thrall of the gun industry, no one's going to do anything. So what is there for it? Coping. Right? I don't know. I just can't find it funny."

"It's hilarious," says Strategic Armory Corps, LLC executive Marcus Jackson. "A good shooting now and then scares the bejeezus out of the public. You get your lesbians out in the street screaming about taking away the AR-15, and all the NPR bozos saying that we need to restore the assault weapons ban. But we own them. We own the guys who make the decisions. So, even though it's nothing to worry about, the gun owners freak out because they think that their rights are going to be stripped away, and they buy a shit ton of guns so that they can hold onto them if there's some sort of lefty takeover. I'm sorry, did I say the quiet part out loud? Is that what the kids are calling it these days? Yeah, well, guess what? I don't care. The fact is nothing is going to change. Nothing."

Mr. Jackson was unable to be reached for further comment because the Big Tobacco hung up on him. 

Mr. Frederick had this to say, "Maybe, this week, I'll run a title about the 'Mental Health Crisis' that gun nuts are always pointing at when a white guy goes out and ventilates a preschool or a drug store. I actually agree that there is a mental health crisis - several of them, in fact. The one that ought to be addressed in terms of the Second Amendment is the fact that we keep doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. What's that sound like to you? Anything else dealing with mental health, these are the same people who are pushing the kind of toxic get-up-and-go that creates issues like this. They don't want to fund mental health support systems, but they want to point at it as a crisis every time someone says there's a problem with guns. That's insane! It really is. And, now that I've explained it out loud, it's not funny anymore! Argh! What the hell am I going to write about?"

THIS TRUMP SUPPORTER THINKS THAT ANDREW CUOMO IS DISGUSTING

Cuomo is on the left, if you're having any trouble.

(New York, AL) "He's disgusting. The way that he treats women makes me ashamed to be in the same country with him. All those COVID deaths that he could have done something about - can't we bring him up on some sort of criminal charges for that? I just can't believe people voted for this guy and continue to stand by him. It's like they don't even care what he's done. I don't care how many times they have to impeach him to get something to stick. We've got to hold our leaders accountable. Can you imagine if Trump behaved that way?" said Richard Hotchkiss, the manager of a pool supply store.

The fifty-one year-old was speaking about Governor Andrew Cuomo, who has, in recent days, come under fire for sexual harassment allegations and a scandal surrounding coronavirus deaths in New York nursing homes. Despite Democratic leadership calling on the New York politician to resign, he has refused, saying that he will not "bow to Cancel Culture."

"I've learned the lessons of Donald Trump," Cuomo said in a press conference outside of the governor's mansion yesterday. "If you just keep doing the same stuff, accuse other people of doing what you're doing, and live by the simple axiom: if it's good, I did it; if not, my detractors did it. If they can't cancel Donald Trump, I can't see why they'd be able to cancel me. I'm from New York. I'm a white guy."

When asked about top Democrats demanding Cuomo's resignation, Hotchkiss had this to say:

"It's just that they're so into their Cancel Culture that they can't see the good things that he's done. As soon as one of them says anything bad - no matter if it's true or not - the entire left just has to get rid of the person. They're like a cult. It's demonic is what it is. I can't believe that they treated Trump like- oh, wait, Cuomo? Yeah, he needs to go. Now. Yesterday. As soon as possible."

Donald Trump couldn't be reached for a response, as he was too busy governing the country after his 2020 re-election.

DISCRIMINATION AGAINST NAZIS AT LEAST TWICE AS BAD AS ANY OTHER GROUP

Prejudice Against a Minority

(Arlington County, VA) Prejudice is nothing new in the United States, and violence against marginalized groups is more common than many people would like to admit. Steps have been taken to mitigate difficulties faced by racial, ethnic, sexual, and religious minorities across the country. The Southern Poverty Law Center maps hate groups for a number of reasons from tracking their effect on communities to analyzing the current political climate.

"It's like a goddamned registry," says Shane Remington, an officer in the American Nazi Party. "People get so upset about us trying to figure out how the Jews are influencing policy and sending them deaths threats and such. But when it comes to us, forget about it. We are so discriminated against for our discrimination."

Unlike passive racism and systemic injustice, Remington points out that the agents of this prejudice are not ashamed and do not deny their prejudice.

"They're happy about it. 'Only good Nazi is a dead Nazi.' I've seen that on bumper stickers. Can you imagine if we were saying that about n*****s? I mean, we are. Also, I have those bumpers stickers on my truck. It doesn't run or anything, but you can see the stickers. I'm proud, and I don't care who knows it."

The prominence of white nationalist groups and their intersectionality with the "alt-right" has brought them to the fore of US politics in ways totally new to anyone who has the privilege of being able to ignore them. The Proud Boys, a homosexual Twitter trend, has been confused with a western book club, dedicated to reading the works of Nicholas Chauvin, noted supporter of Napoleon.

When asked about this, Remington had this to say:

"Who in the f*** is Nicholas Chauvin? The Proud Boys got done dirt by a bunch f**s who are going to burn in hell, and if I have any say about it, a lot sooner than that-"

(Un)fortunately, The Big Tobacco was unable to get the complete statement, as our correspondent fell victim to prejudice and became part of the discriminatory efforts to, as he put it, "beat the ever-loving s*** out of any and all Nazis, everywhere." We believe that this was the product of hate being taught at home, as his grandfather was awarded a Silver Star for killing dozens of Nazis in the mid-1940's.