Scientists Wrong Again, Says Proud Aries

Aries are known for being a star sign

(Augusta, GA) - At nearly four thousand years-old, the study of constellations and their relationship to our planet's solar and lunar cycles is part of human history and spans a variety of cultures and civilizations. Many people still consult guides and astrological portents with regard to making decisions and categorizing compatibility with others. Critics of the practice have called it everything from superstition to unscientific, pointing out, among other things, that the precession of the Earth over the past several thousand years would actually shift the corresponding dates with respect to the different star signs by about a month.

Brenda Williams, a local mindfulness coach, issued a scathing rebuke to skeptics of the millennia-old practice, explaining that the practice is very much scientific and credible.

"Don't believe in astrology, huh? That sounds like some Gemini stuff to me," said Williams. "Do you think anyone who is in the know about science is going to say that they don't believe that the stars control our fates? We can't see gravity, but we know it's working. It's working right now, and I heard that even the supposed scientists can't really figure out why. Well, you know what has a ton of gravity? Stars do. Constellations are made up of a whole bunch of stars. Bam. Gravity. Star signs. Science. If you say differently, it's probably because you're a Libra and just want to be contrary."

When asked to comment on cognitive biases and how exactly a scientific explanation for astrology would work, Williams had this to say:

"Science schmience. I've read my horoscope every morning for years. I know all of my friends' signs and the correspond almost perfectly with everything that their signs say about them. It influences all of my decisions. Are you just going to say that I'm wrong? Are you going to tell me that it's been telling me how to go about my business wrong? I suppose you're going to say next that I could be living my life better without some supernatural hocus pocus. Well, it gives me an edge on everyone else that doesn't do it. Do you think I could be where I am, making two thousand dollars a month by teaching my class on how to be present in the world as we are right now, if I didn't listen to the signs? Scientists probably just say this stuff because they're jealous of people like me. They used to say that smoking was good for you, and that global warming was going to kill us all. You know who's never wrong? The stars."

We asked several scientists to respond to Williams' claims, but the closest thing that we received to a response was, "You have got to be kidding me." Clearly, this was issued by a Capricorn, the most emotionally distant star sign.