Capitalism to Progressives, "Do Love Me Yet?"

 

This is the toy.

(Pawtucket, RI) Hasbro has announced that its Mr. Potato Head brand will drop the "Mr." from the line. Individual product boxes will still bear the prefixes, "Mr." and "Mrs."

"See!?" screamed a top Hasbro executive. "See!? We want to be inclusive of everyone. Evangelical Christians can have their Mr. and Mrs. on the boxes. Non-gender people, whatever they're called these days - you know - they can have Potato Head. We care! We f***ing CARE! I swear to god if I get another call from one of these people criticizing us for launching a violent, nationalistic, army indoctrination tool to sell action figures, I'm going to give birth through my eye socket in Times Square. No one even got shot in the GI Joe cartoon! Come on! This is freaking insane people. What do we have to do to sell you an identity that you'll actually buy for your kids?"

Hot Topic executives refused to comment because they were too busy signing another contract to sublimate dissent into "My Hero Academia" vintage style lunchboxes.

Big Tobacco Editor Takes Weekend Off

 

39 in quarantine isn't fun

(Greensboro, NC) Sean Bienert will not be writing an article this weekend, as it is his birthday. As he is too old to drink Bacardi in the fashion described 50 cent, he will be mourning his misspent youth and posting this article in the paradoxical style of Carly Simon's "You're so vain."

We Sat Down with This Man Who Took the First Vaccine in 1798

 

It was hard to tell if we were getting through or not... Mostly our guide just asked for more money.

(Berkley, UK) James Phipps was inoculated against cowpox in 1798 by Edward Jenner. Shockingly, people were surprised to learn that he was dead and has been dead for nearly 170 years.

"It's like the biomedical complex doesn't want you to know that all of the people who took that vaccine have died. Every. Last. One. 100%. No disease I've ever heard of has that kind of a mortality rate. Conclusion: vaccines are more deadly than the diseases they supposedly cure," said Chris Garvin, a dula from Boone, NC. "I want to get to the root of this, so I came to Berkley. Not California. No, I've come to the United Kingdom to the ancestral cottage of the first victim of this experiment."

Garvin allowed the Big Tobacco's correspondent to record the events surrounding the séance where he "contacted" James Phipps. The conversation is as follows:

Garvin: Is he in the room?

Medium: Yes, James Phipps is here. What is it that you desire of him?

Garvin: I want to know what really happened with the vaccine. The cowpox vaccine. What happened to him?
Medium: He is disturbed that you woke him from his slumber. He finds this world strange. I will need another tenner to keep going.

Garvin: Yes, well, all right. Here. Now, can you get him to tell me what happened with the disease? Did he die from the vaccine?

Medium: You've got to be kidding me.

Garvin: What? What's he saying?

Medium: Okay, so you know this whole séance thing is hooey, right? I can't in good conscience go through with this. You're... you're nuts... The vaccine killed him? He was in his sixties when he died. He got the vaccine when he was eight. Do they not teach that in school in your country?

Garvin: I think... you're saying that... he's not in the room?

Medium: Okay, okay, I think we're done here. 

Quirky Teacher Not Quite as Inspiring Online

 

*writes "Oh... Captain... my...*

(Westchester, NY) When twelve year-old Aidan Griggs began online classes at Llewellyn Academy, he wasn't really sure what to expect. The august halls of the institution helped to shape his father, his father's employer, and any number of oil barons and hedge fund managers. However, his English teacher has changed the game significantly on the class.

"First, he had us destroy our textbooks," says Griggs. "Which was weird because it was just deleting a file. I guess he meant it to be, like, symbolic or something, but we just had to download a new one from the cloud later. Then, he started yelling something about 'carpe diem' and poetry. I don't know. I muted him and went back to sleep."

Harold Brumbacher, the English teacher in question, strives to be a an inspiration for the children whose lives he touches.

"Education used to mean something!" howls Brumbacher in a video that he did not record. "Not in this country, but in ancient Greece and Rome! They let cried out poetry from the tops of mountains! They drank from the Pierian spring!"

"Give him the clown filter," says Grigg's friend Billy Washington. "Yeah, ha, that's great. I wonder when he's going to figure out that we're recording his class, not him."

TikTok videos of Brumbacher, created without his knowledge, have collectively reached over a million views. However, he is not reaching people in the way that he might have wanted.

"Ew. Is he actually crying about Twain being cancelled? That is so cringy," says Aidan's older sister, Phoebe Griggs. "The guy was like a perv. I read something about that in my English class last year."

On the screen in front of them, Brumbacher cries comically large tears talking about how Twain has enriched the lives of people for decades, with "his comedic genius, his sincerity, and his penchant for social justice! He will live on! To paraphrase his torch bearer years later, 'He will not merely endure; he will prevail!'"

"Yeah, this is bad," says Griggs, "but you should have seen him on the first day. He was trying to get everyone to stand on our furniture. Hunter Anders fell off and got hurt. I hear they're going to fire him over that. It's a shame. The guy was seriously the only reason that I logged on for classes most days. Not because I was learning anything, I mean, he was just a complete mess."