Halloween Adventure

 

THE UNITED STATES SURRENDERS TO TALIBAN AND DELTA VARIANT

Why does the flagpole say, "Сделано в СССР?"

(Kabul, Afghanistan) - With the Taliban on the cusp of total victory in Afghanistan, the few US diplomats and soldiers are fleeing Kabul. The news comes as a shock to anyone who is completely ignorant of the region's history and the lessons of Sylvester Stallone's "Rambo III." With the deaths of nearly 2,500 US servicemen, more than 3,800 private contractors, and over 66,000 Afghan security forces, the grim reality is settling over those who are paying attention.

"It's incredibly tragic," says Dr. Raahi Ghulam Sakhi of Fortick University's Department of Afghanistan Studies. "Of course, when Bush, Obama, Trump, and Biden made promises about the future of our country, we knew that they were just saying whatever they felt was politically expedient to get the public off of their backs. The truth of the matter is that you have a group of people who feel deep traditional and cultural connections to this place, and any invader will find it too inhospitable and remote to hold on for long. When they run out of reasons to stay, they will leave and the elements that are rooted here will return."

In similar fashion, the US has already abdicated responsibility for a tertiary wave of COVID-19 deaths, caused largely by a highly contagious variant, coupled with misinformation and denials with regard to vaccination and best practices with regard to masks and social distancing. After the alarming number of deaths this past winter, case numbers trended downwards in an encouraging fashion, so businesses and local governments rushed to reopen. Now, with daily infections reaching over 100,000, some politicians have taken the view that the variant has won and are pulling resources away from prevention.

"It's a classic move," says historian Fred Adagio, "This is Vietnam War era stuff. Just declare victory and go home. You know you can't win, so you just pretend you did. The history books - as long as there are some - are either going to drag us over the coals for this, or they're going to be written by such absurd revisionists that they're going to deny this ever happened. It's horrifying."

MARVEL CELEBRATES 327th SPIDER-MAN RETCON

 

Again!? Argh! Just let me die!

(New York, NY) - As the comic book industry booms, Marvel comics pays homage to one of its most popular characters, Spider-man, by cashing in on the web-slinger yet again. First appearing in the comic book Amazing Fantasy #15 in 1962, the superhero is one of the most popular and recognizable in existence. The intervening fifty-nine years have made their share of changes to the beloved character, and now, under pressure from Disney, the wall-crawler is getting one more bump in retroactive continuity.

"What we really wanted to see was more money from this character," says Disney executive Sam Bush. "I mean, he's already made us literal boatloads of cash. Tons. It's incredible. But we wanted more. We want so much money. And you know what makes money? Selling Spider-man in a new package. Well, we got together and said, 'How do we sell this character in a way that we haven't before? We've checked all the minority boxes, right? Or have we?' That, my friends, is where we hit pay dirt. It was so obvious. We want money to pimp out Spider-man... well, what if we were to make him a sex worker? Like, it's so obvious. He'll be, like, the fourth or fifth sex worker super hero, but this is just turning the metaphor into the reality."

So far, the fan reaction has been mixed. Canonical purists have argued that the character should retain his original formula, after all, it's what piqued their interest whenever it was that they started reading the comic books or watching the TV shows or movies. Robert Kingsley of Dayton, OH had this to say about protecting the heritage of fictional superheroes:

"A sex worker? What are you, kidding me? This is insane! The character used to just put himself in mortal danger by fighting bad guys in spandex to make ungodly sums of money for the bigwigs at Marvel. He had problems, but, like my real life problems, they were all wrapped up in a few pages. Sure, they might have taken a few issues if they were really big problems, but how will our kids learn anything from a sex worker Spider-man? I mean, it's not like they're going to learn anything in school, and I'm sure not going to teach my kids. We need a Marvel role model."

On the other hand, some fans say that the evolution of superheroes is necessary for them to stay relevant and to reflect the times in which they are being written. YouTuber Sapho Glick had this to say:

"Of course, Spider-man needs to be a sex worker. This is part of his growing up as a character. I applaud Disney and Marvel for taking this brave step. They have in no way paid me off to commercialize my video blog in an attempt to garner praise for this move. However, if they were going to, they could contact me with the link in the comments. My values are certainly for sale, and I could just as easily take a contract from DC comics to talk about how regressive the Marvel characters are. Just remember, value is value, and buying up my morals really works best if you're first into the pool, so to speak."

Anje Grobbe is a sex worker in Amsterdam, and we reached out to her for comment. While we tried to talk to a lot of people in the city's red light district, she was the only one to write back, saying this:

"Who cares? You're an adult, and you're getting worked up over whether or not a fictional character is or isn't something? That's stupid. The world is in crisis. Concern yourselves with things that matter. Spider-man is for children."

NOTE: The Big Tobacco editors were unable to be reached for any editorial on this because they were too busy trying to figure out how to monetize this blog.

HOLOCAUST DENIER USES HOLOCAUST PARALLEL IN ANTI-VACCINE RHETORIC

You're not seeing things; people do this.

(Gale, AK) - Dale Jeffries, a local rancher, has been more than a bit skeptical of the Holocaust ever since he read about it in white supremacist literature shortly after having learned to read at twenty-five. The thirty-four year-old believes that powerful liberals, in league with the (not yet formed) nation of Israel, concocted an elaborate lie so that they could gain a foothold in the Middle East. Furthermore, Jeffries believes that this lie and the nation that it supposedly spawned will play a large role in the "end times."

This belief, however, has not stopped him from using imagery that likens the plight of Jews in Nazi-occupied Europe to those who refuse to get vaccinated. To many, this might seem contradictory, but Jeffries is untroubled by the seeming conflict in his views and his message. He had this to say:

"Having us prove vaccination to get on a plane is just like what the Germans didn't do to the Jews. There's no evidence of them ever having done that, just like there isn't any evidence of the virus that supposedly killed all these people. You know what's killing them? It's the 5G that all these Jews are putting up. It's those same Jews who were not in any way persecuted exactly like we're being persecuted right now."

Jeffries began to explain that it's frustrating to be unable to take a plane anywhere because he'd like to finally prove once and for all that the Earth is flat.

"It's just another way that the government is trying to keep us from finding out the truth. Anyone who knows is silenced, exactly like the Germans didn't do to countless people until 1945. I've done my research, and it was all right out in the open on YouTube. You just watch: they'll take that channel down for 'misinformation,'" continued Jeffries, "They already took down a few of them, just like the Kristallnacht that in no way happened back in 1938. I mean, granted, people just put them right back up, and thank goodness they do. We need people to tell us what's really going on, and you can bet that I'm not going to listen to anyone in the mainstream. If I did that, I'd probably be like the rest of you sheep who can't see through the moon landing. How're you going to land on the moon? You see how small it is?"