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| Again!? Argh! Just let me die! |
(New York, NY) - As the comic book industry booms, Marvel comics pays homage to one of its most popular characters, Spider-man, by cashing in on the web-slinger yet again. First appearing in the comic book Amazing Fantasy #15 in 1962, the superhero is one of the most popular and recognizable in existence. The intervening fifty-nine years have made their share of changes to the beloved character, and now, under pressure from Disney, the wall-crawler is getting one more bump in retroactive continuity.
"What we really wanted to see was more money from this character," says Disney executive Sam Bush. "I mean, he's already made us literal boatloads of cash. Tons. It's incredible. But we wanted more. We want so much money. And you know what makes money? Selling Spider-man in a new package. Well, we got together and said, 'How do we sell this character in a way that we haven't before? We've checked all the minority boxes, right? Or have we?' That, my friends, is where we hit pay dirt. It was so obvious. We want money to pimp out Spider-man... well, what if we were to make him a sex worker? Like, it's so obvious. He'll be, like, the fourth or fifth sex worker super hero, but this is just turning the metaphor into the reality."
So far, the fan reaction has been mixed. Canonical purists have argued that the character should retain his original formula, after all, it's what piqued their interest whenever it was that they started reading the comic books or watching the TV shows or movies. Robert Kingsley of Dayton, OH had this to say about protecting the heritage of fictional superheroes:
"A sex worker? What are you, kidding me? This is insane! The character used to just put himself in mortal danger by fighting bad guys in spandex to make ungodly sums of money for the bigwigs at Marvel. He had problems, but, like my real life problems, they were all wrapped up in a few pages. Sure, they might have taken a few issues if they were really big problems, but how will our kids learn anything from a sex worker Spider-man? I mean, it's not like they're going to learn anything in school, and I'm sure not going to teach my kids. We need a Marvel role model."
On the other hand, some fans say that the evolution of superheroes is necessary for them to stay relevant and to reflect the times in which they are being written. YouTuber Sapho Glick had this to say:
"Of course, Spider-man needs to be a sex worker. This is part of his growing up as a character. I applaud Disney and Marvel for taking this brave step. They have in no way paid me off to commercialize my video blog in an attempt to garner praise for this move. However, if they were going to, they could contact me with the link in the comments. My values are certainly for sale, and I could just as easily take a contract from DC comics to talk about how regressive the Marvel characters are. Just remember, value is value, and buying up my morals really works best if you're first into the pool, so to speak."
Anje Grobbe is a sex worker in Amsterdam, and we reached out to her for comment. While we tried to talk to a lot of people in the city's red light district, she was the only one to write back, saying this:
"Who cares? You're an adult, and you're getting worked up over whether or not a fictional character is or isn't something? That's stupid. The world is in crisis. Concern yourselves with things that matter. Spider-man is for children."
NOTE: The Big Tobacco editors were unable to be reached for any editorial on this because they were too busy trying to figure out how to monetize this blog.
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