AREA MAN PRETTY SURE HE COULD BEAT THE GIRL FROM "THE QUEEN'S GAMBIT" IN CHESS

It's not like chess is hard, right?

(Norwheaton, TN) After having watched Anya Taylor-Joy play Beth Harmon in the chess centered Netflix series, "The Queen's Gambit," Donald "Donnie" Revere is unsure of why there is so much hype surrounding the show.

"So, she's, like, a girl playing chess. Oooh, and there's mean guys who stand in the way of her dream. Like, I play Call of Duty. Do you have any idea how many guys try to take me down on there? Yeah, it's all of them. And, they call me the n-word. I'd love to see how some 1960's red head would handle that kind of aggression. Don't forget that Call of Duty was made to simulate war. Chess is just a board game that requires a little bit of strategy here and there. They've got their little clocks and crap, but they didn't even have games on the level of this back then."

Revere claims that his prowess in strategic thinking is impeccable and that he cannot be beaten in something so simple as a two dimensional board game. To him, the fast-paced action of multiplayer a first person shooter is unattainable by something that can be contained within sixty-four squares. Though he has had mixed success in local tournaments, the forty-one year-old SEO specialist says that there is something akin to inflation when talking about the difference in the games.

"A pawn isn't going to hit you with a freaking grenade from an elevated position in chess. You don't have to watch out for tweens who don't care about their own lives trying to scope you from positions where they shouldn't even be. Do they have that in chess? No, because the game was invented like a hundred years ago. Look, all you have to do is just make sure all of the pieces are covering each other. It's not like rocket science. And, no one wants to hear this, but I'll just say it: women don't think strategically. It's not something that they've acquired over the years. Men have. It's like asking a horse to swim against a fish," said Revere. "Oh, and before you get all 'this guy's a sexist,' I totally voted for Hillary."

The Netflix show revolves around the ascendancy of Elizabeth Harmon, a chess prodigy who struggles with substance abuse. Revere binge watched the show with his girlfriend while hungover last Saturday. Afterwards, he explained that he played chess in junior high. And that it was alright but too easy.

"My brain just thinks too far ahead and too fast for that crap. I'd get anxious and forget things. If I were playing in front of all of those people, I'd focus. It'd be no big deal," he reflected. Looking at his girlfriend, Revere continued. "That Beth Harmon chick. She probably wouldn't get flustered playing a bunch of those skeevy chess dudes but put her up against a real dude, she'd be thinking about what every girl is thinking about most of the time."

Afterwards, Revere's girlfriend couldn't be reached for comment because she was too busy retching in the bathroom.

GEORGE ZIMMERMAN GUNS DOWN FOREIGN COMMUNIST INSURGENT

 

Through the chimney? Who knows what he might have done once inside?

(Tallahassee, FL) - Once again invoking "Stand Your Ground" George Zimmerman has killed in what he is calling "defense" of his (neighbor's) property.

"Guy was on the roof of the Hobarts' place next door," said the thirty-seven year-old insurance underwriter. "You can tell with what these guys wear. All red? Commie for sure. Well, we don't tolerate that kind of Russian spy crap around here. So, I introduced him to my .45, and, well, he isn't coming back next year."

The individual was identified as the 1,750 year-old Saint Nicholas of Myra, aka Nicholas of Bari, aka Santa Claus, aka Father Christmas, etc. Having immigrated from his native Greece to the North Pole sometime in the last millennium, Saint Nicholas was known, annually, to give presents to well-behaved Christian children around the globe. Stories about the deceased range from his employing a large number of elves to create toys to his use of a team of reindeer in distribution.

"He's the spirit of Christmas! Everyone knows about him!" sobbed six year-old Jimmy Hobart, one of the children of the household where the body was discovered.

NRA and GOP allies have been quick to defend Zimmerman's actions. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell had this to say:

"We got him! We've been after that bastard for years. Do you know how many intellectual property rights laws he and his crew have violated? Do you know how many counts of trespassing, breaking and entering, unlawful entry, border violations, customs infringments... It's staggering! He was a foreign national wearing the colors of the communist party, engaging in an act of clear class warfare! This was clearly an act of defense. Mr. Zimmerman was defending his home, his neighbors' homes, his town! I just wish that my diseased death claw could stand the human contact it would take to shake his hand. Imagine: giving away presents! That's taking the yacht money right out of the pockets of the Waltons and Jeff Bezos! It's disgusting, and I, for one, am glad that he's dead. He's clearly a communist - look at the distribution of presents! It's based on merit! No cronyism, no nepotism, no advantages for anyone! That's insane!"

Zimmerman's legal aid was tight-lipped about the entire affair, saying only that they had an ironclad defense against any murder charges. An inside source has said, however, that they are afraid of a little known writ called, "The Santa Clause."

ALL AMERICAN CULTURE TO BE OWNED BY THREE COMPANIES BY 2050

Approved by Coca-cola's House of Representives

(United States of America) - To the delight of fans everywhere, the Disney corporation has announced plans to buy Warner Bros., Netflix, and comic books as a medium. The new super-franchise will play host to the biggest budget movie ever, including a rumored crossover between the Star Wars, Harry Potter, Marvel and DC.

"We won't rest until the Incredible Hulk is using the Elder wand to fight the child of Princess Leia and Bruce Wayne. People will bring dump trucks of money to see stuff like this. We already bought Harrison Ford's likeness. Every angle, every sarcastic look, every potential note of his voice - we own it all. The algorithms are just churning out bespoke movies as we speak. If you think Disney+ is big, wait till you see what we can do with a movie where Wonder Woman actually fights Donald Trump. It's going to be mega. Absolutely mega," said Shannon Lloyd, a spokesperson for DisneyVisual. The new company has already announced plans to buy up all visual media rights by 2060, but it's possible that it could happen before then. As the company's financial assets get larger, their holdings appear to be increasing at an exponential rate. In fact, there is a rumor that they may have their eyes on our eyes - the human visual range, that is.

"There's only a certain number of frames that the human eye can register in a lifetime. We already have run the data through a few, literally, like ten yottabyte hard drives, and guess what? We put every last thing together. All that remains now is for us to register them. Then, literally every thing you see will have a little set of Mickey ears on it!" said Lloyd.

In a surprising move, Kanye West and Taylor Swift have announced plans to jointly purchase all sounds that are within the human audible range, through their new parent company, SWest. The duo made this big reveal in their first ever appearance together. This was just after explaining that they have never actually met, spoken, or even actually heard of each other, as all of the supposed drama between the two mega-celebrities was revealed to have been deep fakes, generated by their mutual marketing agencies.

"Yes," said West, "I actually never ran for President either. These days, the supposed 'highest office in the land' is more of a lightning rod for criticism. And, as the discerning consumer well knows, I thrive in controversy. If the public only knew how keen I am for the next scandal... People keep expecting that Kim Kardashian and I will be getting divorced, or I will be performing some manner of OJ-esque scandal. It's utter poppycock. If Alexander Hamilton's "Great Beast" had eyes in its head, they would know that I am actually a seventy-five year-old white man from Westchester, New York. Can you imagine someone actually saying the things that I say and meaning them? Good heavens - the madness! Kim Kardashian isn't even a sentient being. She's actually the product of thousands of different algorithms responding to public fantasy. Yeezus Christ, people are stupid. Taylor Swift? I only heard of her last week. Her people have talked to my people before, yes. We should be wrapping up sounds made by a dog whistle - a literal dog whistle - sometime in 2040. There are only so many different recombinant forms of compressional waves that are possible. SWest intends to own them all."

The newest sports megaconglomerate, the Association of Competitive Entertainment Leagues has registered trademarks for all physical and esports, through the year 20210, assuming that humanity survives Y10k and the potential effects of computer bugs inherent in four year coding. ACEL owns the rights to all potential and possible recombinations of the human genome at the peak ages of physical prowess for men and women.

"Ever want to see Connor McGregor fight Bruce Lee? No holds barred, knockdown, drag out. We can do it. You can be in the front row, and even get hit with the Bruce's sweat. Stuff's going to be crazy. Think Michael vs Kobe in their prime. Think the Buffalo Bills in '93 vs. the Buffalo Bills in '94. Why not? We can do it."

"AS A FELLOW KAREN, I FEEL YOUR PAIN," SAYS WOMAN WHO SPENT OVER A THOUSAND DOLLARS ON A PURSE

(Pinch, MN) Along with derisive references to the Baby Boomer generation, contemporary slang has adopted the term, "Karen," as an epithet for privileged white women, caricatured as having bleached blonde inverted bob cuts and excessive indignation over trivial matters, among other things.

"It's the modern n-word is what it is," said Karen O'Conner. "I didn't pick my name, and you know what? It's a pretty name. My gran was named Karen. Karen Gould. She worked so hard, and to think, these people are just- they just don't understand how wonderful a woman she was. They just don't, and they just don't care. That woman gave birth to nine children, and she worked hard to make sure that their lives were as good as possible. She's my namesake, and these people - you know who I mean - they're just... Well, they're just crapping all over her legacy. It's disgusting."

O'Conner moderates the online forum, Karens Are People Too (KAPT). With four thousand members, the group has grown to the point where some disambiguation is necessary.

"Why are there are all these pictures of white women crying?" asked Saw Nee Bo. "What person gets this upset when service industry people are not ingratiating to the point of having no dignity?"

Saw, who was part of the Karen uprising in 1976 and subsequently had to flee his homeland for fear of reprisals by the Burmese junta, has seen his fair share of hardship. A respected elder in his community, he continues to fight for the rights of the Karen people in the United States and for international recognition of their plight in southeast Asia. At seventy-four, he still works as a tool and die maker and boasts not having missed a single day since he began work in Minnesota back in 1990.

The Big Tobacco was able to sit down with both Mr. Saw and Mrs. O'Conner last week.

"Is he Mexican?" asked O'Conner,

"No, I am not," replied Saw. "I am Kayin. It's what your people call 'Karen.'"

"Do we have a translator?" asked Mrs. O'Conner, "I don't speak Spanish."

After being informed that the man was speaking English and being assured that his documentation for being in the United States was in order, O'Conner listened to Saw's story. He explained his flight from an oppressive military regime, conditions in Thai refugee camps, dangers at sea in a small boat bound for part of Malaysia, and his circuitous route to refugee status in the United States, after losing his young son and his brother en route.

"We're the same," said O'Conner. "I don't get to take sick days as a mom. I took Magnus to football practice last week, and I think I had COVID. Can you believe that? And people want to put me down because of my name. It's shameful. That's exactly what it is."

"People do not understand what we go through. Some day, I hope that there will be a country for my people where we can be safe," responded Saw.

O'Conner fought back tears as she readjusted her Fendi bag so that she could take Saw's hand.

"He gets it," she said. "He really does understand. It's just so good to be understood, to be seen."

After finding out that the Big Tobacco correspondent did not intend to pay for coffee at the appointed meeting spot, Mrs. O'Conner began explain that she needed the beverage to be "comped" because she had not expected to pay. Meanwhile, Saw had this to say, "Who is this woman? Why did you bring me here? Why does she think that she has anything in common with me? My son drowned off the coast of Malaysia. She is getting furious over having to pay eight dollars for a cup of coffee that she ordered. This is disgusting. I can't sit here any longer."

O'Conner later asked for his phone number to see if he would be interested in "helping out" with a church fundraiser that she was organizing. Similarly, she did not tip the wait staff, but did leave encouraging words that she imagined were from the book of "Psalm."

CORPORATIONS TO AMERICAN PUBLIC, "THINK OF US LIKE THE FAMILY YOU USED TO HAVE BECAUSE YOU KILLED THEM WITH CORONAVIRUS."

 

Family members wondering who will volunteer as tribute

(United States of America) In years prior to 2020, there was an implicit understanding that corporations valued money over human life. From lobbyists putting pressure on the government to deregulate consumer protections to the offshoring of factories to skirt labor laws, anyone paying attention to the rampant malfeasance in and beyond US borders would have expected companies to tacitly ignore potential human suffering in favor of the almighty dollar. This year, however, many businesses are taking a different approach.

"A lot of people are going to ignore safety regulations and do really insanely stupid things because they've always done them that way," says Larry Broffield, CFO of Brandilever Holdings, LLC. "And, we want them to know that when those things cause their family members to die of COVID-19, we will be there for them. Retail therapy, aromatherapy candles, marketed self-care, and, of course, comfort food and booze. Who eats their feelings? America does."

With the rapid expansion of internet retail during the pandemic and many cities reinstating lockdowns and restrictions on occupancy, it would stand to reason that retailers would want to push consumers to online sales. Some businesses have done exactly this. However, others are not satisfied with this departure from the typical Black Friday sales.

"People act a lot less rationally when there are sales on the line. You ever see someone buy something simply because they thought that they were getting a really good deal? If you think you haven't, you are either a ghost, a blind person, or someone who lives so far off the grid that you're not going to be reading this anyway. Human beings are fundamentally stupid creatures. We know that safety is good. We know that corporations are out to get our money. We know that we don't need a sixty inch TV to survive. But, we also are willing to jeopardize not just our safety but that of those around us, including our loved ones, just to fill an abstract need. It's insane. Our society treats drug addicts like they're walking garbage, but when you're watching Nana slip away from you on Google Meets because you just had to have a PS5 earlier and for less than your neighbor, you tell me that you acted sanely," commented the Grim Reaper. "Yeah, so, this is all fine by me. It's job security for my day job. And, something no one ever tells you, I'm on the Board of Directors for, like, all these companies. If they ever come after me for a corporate conflict of interest, I'm screwed. But, whatever, I don't need the money anyway. Then again, none of them really do."

Corporate America is already anticipating a need for clothes, make up, online therapy classes, new varieties of macaroni and cheese, wine, sympathy cards, and Netflix shows to binge while weeping over the loss of people who could have been saved if we had just been a little bit less greedy.

AMUSED BY GIULIANI'S HAIR DYE, PUBLIC MISSES DANGEROUS FRAUD CLAIMS

 

Member of Team Claiming that Joe Biden Suffers from Dementia

(Washington, DC) - On Thursday, President Donald Trump's lawyer, Rudy Giuliani held a press conference at the RNC headquarters, blasting the media coverage of the legal team's attempts to overturn election results. Echoing conspiracy theory after conspiracy theory, the former mayor of New York City charged that American votes were being counted overseas, ballots were being printed and dropped off by the truckload on election night, the company responsible for the technology incorporated into the voting machines has (present tense) close ties to dead Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, there were ballot overcounts for in various states, Republican observers were held in pens during the counting process, and the evidence of this was in affidavits that his legal team has.

Additionally, his perspiration caused hair dye to leak down the sides of his head, causing levity in the mass of American public, who apparently did not hear the insane claims that the man was making, in an attempt to overturn a semi-democratic election. In a direct response to reports that his legal team had no evidence, Giuliani produced a sworn affidavit, contesting that the woman who had filed it would have no reason to lie about what she had sworn under oath, apparently missing the variety of reasons that anyone with a brain could produce. The legal team echoed his claims with impassioned and often indignant claims of their own, knowing full well that they could say just about anything because the lion's share of press coverage would be devoted the hair dye, leaking down the sides of the head of the head of the legal team.

"I could have told people that Donald Trump is a hologram and that he was generated by the prayers of evangelicals who don't actually believe in god," said Sidney Powell. "No one was going to hear a damn word of it. Did you see how Jenna kept smirking through the whole conference? That was because we knew that this was win-win. You've heard that there's no such thing as bad press? That goes double in law. If they had video tape of Donald Trump raping a puppy, shouting nuclear codes into a conference call with Vladimir Putin, and we defended him, we could get jobs at any legal firm in the country. The thing with Giuliani's hair dye? Even better. We get credit for the defense, the public gets distracted by a big, fat nothing burger, and Jenna and I laugh all the way to the bank."

When asked for further commentary, Eliss and Powell said that they were late for an appointment with Lucifer, the Prince of Darkness.

ACTUAL LIBERALS UNCERTAIN OF WHEN TO START TALKING ABOUT REAL CHANGE AGAIN

 

"We need to talk about the Electoral College."

(United States of America) With the announcement that Joe Biden is the projected winner of the 2020 Presidential race, many across the globe are sighing with relief that Donald Trump has not been elected to a second term. While the President angrily takes to Twitter, and Democrats are posting Gritty memes all over social media, actual liberals are all wondering, "When can we start talking with centrists about change that will actually mean something?"

"I can't wait to return to the firebrand level of progressivism circa 2012," said Ashton Greene, of Charleston, SC. The twenty-eight year-old systems administrator rolled his eyes. "You know Biden is going to be fine with the electoral college because it elected him. That makes it fair, you know? Like, he's probably already forgotten that all of us were biting our nails when he was up by almost four million votes, and it still wasn't a done deal. Like, that's just stupid. And the Supreme Court? They could still overturn Roe v. Wade. Under. Their. Noses. But, you can't say anything like right now. You just can't."

Greene's friends were dancing in the street, participating in socially distant backyard celebrations, and blaring songs like, "Philadelphia Freedom" and "YMCA" from their car stereos. Half-heartedly, the former Bernie Sanders supporter joined in but was largely without comment.

"Biden doesn't even really support universal healthcare, and, I mean, he's stepped away from the Hyde amendment, but he wasn't always so left of right, if you get what I'm saying. Oh yeah, and his version of the Green New Deal? I'm not holding my breath," said Farah Charles of Newport, CT. "They've already, to all appearances, frozen out anyone that might actually be progressive from cabinet positions. It's same shit, different day for the establishment."

Greene and Charles are not the only one doubting the Biden presidency.

"We've been standing back and standing by, Mr. President," says John Lucas, a militiaman in North Dakota. "I think the system is broken, and I am ready to help."

Visibly disturbed by the equivalency, Mr. Greene pointed out, "Look, I'm in favor of revolution, but, uh, not with those guys. They're, uh, more for like a fascist coup?"

"Oh, yeah, that guy?" said Lucas, "I'm probably going to shoot him before I gun down anyone for the President."

George Soros could not be reached for comment.

DEMOCRATS STEAL ELECTION!!!

 

Evidence of democratic election theft

(Washington, DC) On November 3rd, more than seventy million Americans cast legal ballots for President Donald Trump. However, almost four million more Americans cast votes for former Vice President Joe Biden in an attempt to steal the highest office in the land and give it back to the people. While the attack on the real estate mogul, turned reality television star, turned politician is shocking, it is far from unprecedented.

"They always try to tear me down," said President Trump. "It's like these people don't even want me to continue on as President. I am doing a great job, though. All of the people I've paid to tell me that I am doing a great job they say, 'Donald, we love you. You're doing a fantastic- an awesome - you're doing the best job ever!' Tremendous job they say. And, I am... the job I'm doing? Yeah, we're going to keep doing this great job. So great. No one would vote for anyone else; it's not sane. So, that's how you can tell that these votes are fraudulent: they're the ones that people supposedly cast for anyone but me. Oh, and Kanye - those votes... he can have a few... his votes, I guess, I mean, they're probably real, right? Yeah, those are real. Love you Yeezus. See? He's a black, and he ran against me, and we're still friends. It's fine. That's how real democracy works: you run against people who like you, they get a nod from a few of their fans, and everyone goes back to normal. The idea that seventy-four million Americans would come out, risk COVID, and cast votes against me just doesn't add up. It just doesn't. The only way that this could happen is if Joe Biden stole the election from me. So, that's what it is. Stolen. Illegitimate. My sons told me I won - how could they... They wouldn't. My boys are straight arrows; ask anyone. Everyone knows in their hearts that they voted... they all voted for me. You know it, I know it, Herman Cain, looking down from wherever black people go when they die - he knows it, too."

After several of his aides wrestled the microphones from President Trump's grasp and pulled him off stage, screams could be heard about QAnon, Hillary Clinton, 5G, and something about Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi's baby is Hitler before he goes back in time to cancel America for white people.

Sources inside the White House have leaked that close associates of the President plan to take him on a nice golfing vacation to Mara Lago, medically induce a very long nap, and when the President wakes up, not acknowledge that he was ever President, chalking all of his memories up to a strange dream.

"We've actually been working on this for a while," explained Jared Kushner. "When he was threatening Kim Jeong Eun with a 'bigger button' we actually put together a whole bunch of contingencies that essentially made it look like North Korea had actually been blown up and victory parades were being held in DC. Those special effects guys are wizards. They're absolute wizards. Putting the President into a sort of curated fantasy world has been out job from the get-go. A few of us got together before the election and sort of said, 'all right, if he loses this thing, who's going to tell him? Not me. Not you? Okay then, let's just cut out the middle man and stick him in a place where he thinks everything is going his way.' We toyed with the idea of virtual reality for a while, but it just didn't stand up."

After being denied a second chance to upbraid the American public on television, the President took to social media Tweeting, "We're bringing in fake vote sniffing dogs!" "YOU DON'T DESERVE ME!" and "IF YOU TAKE ME OUT OF POWER, YOU'LL NEVER FIND OUT WHAT COVFEFE MEANS!!!"

AREA MAN ALREADY DECIDING WHAT NEIGHBORS TO SHOOT FIRST IN COMING CIVIL WAR

 

Drugar's palpable joy at his solemn duty of potentially killing the neighbors he deems "enemies of the state"

(Glandred, VA) As tensions ramp up to the most divisive election in recent US history, the public is bracing for whatever may happen next: a peaceful transition of power, rioting and protesting, or even a potential civil war. While most respondents to polls about the uncertainty of next week's vote counts and their corresponding effects have been metered, even grim, a small but terrifying minority has spoken in ineptly guarded tones of optimism with an eye to the potential for ensuing violence and mayhem.

"Them Johnsons down the street," said Bill Drugar of Glandred, VA, "They got their stupid Biden/Harris sign out there, like they ain't never read my blog about Crossfire Hurricane or nothin'! You know that they'll be supporting this coup - that's what it is, it's a red fascist communist Khmer Rouge coup - they'll be wavin' flags and cheerin' when Biden steals the election from Donald Trump."

The fifty-three year-old eBay merchant took a break from loading the various firearms he owns and maintains in his two bedroom house to depict a dire scene of rejoicing and celebration on the part of his Democratic neighbors. "But, I'll tell you what though," he stroked the barrel of one of the many firearms on hand, phallically, and continued. "When Trump calls us to action to take back this country, Old Betsy - that's my Bushmaster right here - I named her after Davy Crockett's gun - she's gonna have her say. And, I can't wait to notch me up some traitors. I seen the Goodes down the hill from here with a Black Lives Matter sign at the bottom of their driveway. You know they're just waiting for a chance to loot and riot and rape. Antifa insanity. Well, let's see 'em try to loot and rape me."

When asked about whether or not his probable first targets for insurrection were in any way actually violent or threatening, Drugar had this to say:

"I mean, if they support a guy who's planning to steal the Presidency, who knows what they'll do? They probably only have, like, maybe, one gun per household, but I think I can take care of 'em." Appearing out of breath and salivating visibly, Drugar added, "Yeah, I can take care of 'em. I'll get 'em."

The aforementioned neighbors, the Johnsons and Goodes, were horrified to learn about Drugar's thoughts but each family revealed plans to leave later today on road trips to familial residences in Seattle, WA and Augusta, ME, respectively, on election night and a full quarantine period afterwards.

"We don't have any guns," said Davis Johnson, "There's a two year-old and a five year-old living here. Guns? Revolution? That man is sick. He's sick."

These sentiments were echoed by Georgina Goode, who pointed out that they have never been anything but civil toward Mr. Drugar, despite his repeated and progressively more abrasive attempts to force them to read his blog, "ThePattriotsPrid."

"I think he thinks that spelling is a form of tyranny," she said. "The guy is coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs."

According to recent polls, fewer than .001% of the general public is "certain that a Biden victory will lead to civil war," but no respondent within that group could conceal their excitement about that prospect.

WORLD APPROACHING SINGULARITY OF META-STUPEFACTION

 

See affiliate sites for NSFW naked singularity

(Everywhere) - From Brooklyn to Belfast, from the Serengeti to the Sierra Madres humanity has been caught off guard by 2020. Antiscientific sentiment, superstitious religious belief, ethnocentrism, and national exceptionalism are rampant in a world that, just a few years prior, had been seeing some of its most hopeful advances in terms of progressive behavior. However, with a species that has regularly used discovery and innovation that could have been marshalled against threats like ignorance and famine to create short-lived capitalist windfalls, the biggest surprise is that it is still a surprise.

"I've been studying humanity for more than forty years," said Dr. Anderson McIver, a Harvard-based anthropologist. "We really ought to be better than this. But, I suppose on an existential level, we're just not. You want to keep hoping - even the most pessimistic among us do. It just seems natural that a species - any species - wants its offspring to survive, we want our genetic code, our ideas, our culture, our ideas to survive us. We want humanity, on some level, to survive. But... then, we spend billions of dollars so that young men can give each other concussions on a sports field and kill each other in battle, but the coffers are empty when it comes to fighting disease. Why? Thanatophilia? Could it be?"

According to NYU psychologist, Dr. T.H. Washington, "It doesn't make a lot of sense that people are still so stupefied by the surprises in 2020. Awful things happen. Yes. But, then they happen again? Well certainly. The best predictor to whether or not something can happen is to ask whether or not it has happened before. It's not a direct corollary to ask whether or not simply because something bad has happened more bad things will follow, but, really, why wouldn't more bad things continue happening? Phenomena like semantic saturation show the human psyche's resistance to the repetition of reactions. It stands to reason that we'd lose our sense of amazement at the terrible things that keep happening. We don't though. We keep thinking that bad things won't happen. If nothing else we should stop being surprised at our own surprise. But, we don't even get that. It creates a feedback loop of being shocked."

"For instance, if Donald Trump fired the entirety of the US nuclear arsenal at the remaining polar ice caps, most people would be shocked. Why? Why would we be surprised? And then, why would we be surprised that we were surprised? Can a person even be surprised that they're surprised that they're surprised? We're reaching new levels of stupefaction at our stupefaction every day. It the kind of meta that can't keep going forever. At a certain point, we'll be at singularity, every bit of kinetic energy devoted to shock that we're still shocked. At a certain point, we'll-"

NTH LAW OF THERMODYNAMICS APPLIED TO US POLITICAL SYSTEM

 

Functioning within the confines of the current system, we cannot change the current system

(USA) - With record-shattering turnout at early voting, US voters are trying to be very clear about their political preferences this year. After 2016's political upset, many polling statisticians and media pundits are being more careful about their predictions. A different kind of poll, however, was conducted by the Big Tobacco, and the results were surprising. As divided as the American public is on a number of topics, there is agreement on at least one.

"Oh yeah, this system is totally f***ed," said John Mews of Franklingtonville, CT. "Two parties? It's a joke. Shame you can't, like, vote on getting a third party in. The two that are there will just say, 'no.' Biden's garbage, but, like, Trump's going to take away my neighbor's right to marry."

"I mean, Trump's a real piece of s***," commented Billy Hunt of Samill, AL. "But, Biden? Come on. Crossfire Hurricane. Abuse of power. I just wish that the current system would let us do something about... you know... the current system."

As strange as it might seem, physicists - not political scientists - have figured out why this is happening.

"Well, it's just thermodynamics, isn't it?" posited Dr. Sheena Bouleware of University of Oregon. "Everything tends toward disorder. The more order you try to create, in doing so, you just create even more disorder. The problem with US politics is simply that it's a closed system. You cannot change the system from within the system because if you vote third party, you've wasted your time. If you vote for either of the two major parties, it's giving explicit approval to the powers that be. You cannot break even within the system because any vote you cast is reinforcing the status quo - just like the taxes you pay, helping to Yemeni kids into craters and allowing Israel to build settlements on top of the corpses of Palestinian widows. You cannot escape the system because our policies are everywhere and influencing everything. So, yeah, thermodynamics is in play within US politics. What, you think evolutionary biologists are going to tell you that humanity is going to live forever? Go ahead. Talk to them. I may be boring, but those guys are depressing as hell."

99.8% of registered voters that the Big Tobacco polled claimed that the political situation was hopeless, confirming Dr. Bouleware's sentiments. The remaining 0.2% were too busy foaming at the mouth and screaming unintelligibly. Oddly enough, it seemed to be mostly adverbs.

"Oh, right, we've got a democracy founded on the constitution," continued John Mews. "We can't just change things on a whim without revolution, and, I'm sorry, but I've got a mortgage. I'm fifty-one. I can't just do a revolution."

His comment was echoed by his counterpart, Mr. Hunt:

"I just wish we could do something about all this garbage. Democrats just want to burn the system down, but that's because they hate America. How can they just get rid of all of this heritage? Shame it came down to Trump."

INACTIVE SHOOTERS DEMAND THAT SCHOOLS RETURN TO FACE-TO-FACE INSTRUCTION

(United States) With only one school shooting in the fall semester as of October 7th, 2020, many teachers, students, parents, concerned citizens, and armed insane people are beginning to wonder if school shootings will be yet another casualty of a pandemic that has lasted the better part of a year.

"It used to be that by October, we were looking at a dozen or so incidents of gun violence within classrooms or at least educational buildings," says Eric Michaels of the FBI's school shooting task force. "This year, there's been one. Obviously, it's because there are so few schools that have returned to in person instruction."

Though this is one small benefit of keeping students virtual, there have been critics. Mr. Denholme Rutger of Pallahawny, MI believes that keeping students out of buildings may have deleterious societal effects. He spoke to our correspondent via video feed from a compound beyond, in his words, "the prying eyes of the law."

"A year ago, if you had a grievance against the government or Islam or women or someone, and you weren't getting heard, and it got bad enough, you could just shoot a bunch of people, and bam! provided that you were white, they'd arrest you and talk about how troubled you were. If it was particularly necessary that you be heard, you could take up your grievances with the schoolboard... So to speak. Now with COVID, that avenue of self expression is gone. It's unconscionable. How are people supposed to terrorize the populace if they're not worried about their kids being in school? Politicians should be worried about this. Their places of residence are generally public knowledge. They should be very, very concerned."

 

COVID-19 TESTS POSITIVE FOR DONALD TRUMP

You're Tired

(Donald Trump's Body) - After having taken the lives of over a million people worldwide, the novel coronavirus, known as COVID-19 has been diagnosed with an infection of Donald Trump. It is unknown how the forty-fifth President of the United States will affect the virus, but scientists worry about the potential compound effect of infection in the human population. There is a possibility of a spike later in this fall, if Americans do not inoculate against the President by November 3rd.

It is believed that the President infected the coronavirus in any of the dozens of various occasions when he was not wearing a mask in public, mocking the wearing of masks, calling the democratic response to the virus a hoax, and not issuing a nationwide mask mandate. The fallout of this has caused nearly every sovereign state on the planet to close borders and ports of call with the United States.

"We've got coronavirus," said Justin Trudeau. "We don't need Trump in here, too. Please, citizens of the United States, do the reasonable thing and vote for the viable candidate who wears a mask in public. Please, vote for the candidate who hasn't been courting supporters by hosting enormous events that flout mask laws from local government."

Leaders around the world echoed the sentiment with the exception of Vladimir Putin, who released this message to the UN:

It would be unbelievable that prejudice of this sort is aimed at the current President of the United States, but it is the history of the international community to be entrenched against pathogens. Why? We have plenty of other weapons. I would like to use this opportunity to call on the global community to end the prejudice against biowarfare weapons. We can end this together.

The President made some remarks from Walter Reed Medical Center, but our editor was unable to find enough pairable subjects and predicates to make a full statement.

YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT THIS GROUND-BREAKING REPORT CONNECTS TO CORONAVIRUS, BENGHAZI, BLM, 5G, AND JANE FONDA

 

Support the troops Democrat soldiers helping to spread 5G Fonda-flu

(Kenosha, OR) A major report released by local YouTube virtuoso, 9NomFreemyd!ck, describes a network of information between high ranking officials in the US government, the New World Order, George Soros, the Kennedys, Mark Zuckerberg, the Free Masons, Chinese hackers, Cho'gall, denizens of the Bermuda Triangle, alien anal probe enthusiasts, domestic anal probe enthusiasts, Bernie Sanders, Jane Fonda, BLM, orchestrators of the 2012 Benghazi attack, CNN, Bill Gates' 5G towers, Edward Jenner, the Roun the Illuminati, Swift Boat Veterans for John Kerry, the coronavirus bat, and Björk.

The video has already been taken down, no doubt, by the shadowy cabal mentioned therein. When we attempted to contact user 9NomFreemyd!ck, there was no response. Our internal specialists suspect foul play. In an effort to garner more interest in this important and clearly viable story, we are printing excerpts from notes on this ground-breaking revelation.

In front of a black sheet background, a young, masked man explains that we, the American public have been lied to. This shocking fact is immediately followed with the list of all of the aforementioned conspirators.

"All of these people and organizations have something in common," says the anonymous truth-teller. "Think about it. None of the MSM people are mentioning it. Not a word. But, that should tell you something. If they're being silent about it, you can be certain that it is true, and what you don't know can kill you, molest your family, and take away your guns."

There was a bit of technical difficulty at that point in the video where some muffled noises appear to come from behind the sheet in the background. The competent, masked journalist can be heard to say something resembling, "I already did my homework!" Clearly, wherever he is, this code is clearly a cry for help to his confederates for the freedom of our society.

"The truth of the matter is," he continues, "that we don't even know the half of what's going on in this country. The Strzok notes are just a scratch in the armor of the Biden/Obama/Clinton/Gillooly conspiracy. People don't realize that whenever we talk about any of this stuff, we have to use language. All of us. Can you imagine? It doesn't matter if you leave the country. It doesn't matter where you go. If you want to communicate any idea to another person, you're playing their game. Any time that you says something, there's a chance that someone, somewhere might hear it. Then, they know what you're thinking. Even the coronavirus bat - el patiento numero uno - bats have exceptional hearing. You know what they can hear? People talking."

After a pregnant pause, allowing the audience to assimilate this information, the young man mimes his head exploding. No doubt a signal to other freedom-loving hold outs across the country.

"There's only one answer," says 9NomFreemyd!ck. "We all just need to shut up. We just need to shut up. If we shut up, they can't twist our words. They can't know what we're thinking. They don't know how strong we are. How will we communicate? Good question, but it also sounds like something they would ask. So, if you're wondering how we'll communicate if we don't talk, do some soul-searching. Ask yourself, 'do I really want freedom?'"

The Big Tobacco echoes this sentiment and hopes to hear more from this freedom fighter and his associates.

*It was later discovered that 9NomFreemyd!ck had been grounded from using the internet because he hadn't mowed the lawn.

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP NOMINATES HIMSELF TO THE SUPREME COURT

 

(Washington, DC) - In yet another historic move, President Donald Trump has nominated himself to the Supreme Court of the United States. Despite Democratic efforts to undermine potential nominees, forestall a Senate vote, and otherwise hamper the President's right to appoint a justice, they were taken completely by surprise with this unprecedented piece of political gamesmanship.

"You're kidding, right?" said Senate minority leader, Chuck Schumer, "This is totally illegal. It's unconstitutional. In Art. I, Sec. 6, -"

"Yeah, Chuck. Sure," interrupted President Trump. "Nobody's ever even heard of what you're talking about. It's just more of your Democratic back channel that's trying to sabotage my Presidency."

"No, it's in the Constitution," remarked Schumer.

"You say that," retorted the President, "but, idiot says, 'what.'"

"Excuse me?" replied Schumer.

"Idiot says, 'what,'" repeated the President.

"What?" asked Schumer.

There was much applause and laughter from the President and his supporters.

"You'll be impeached," commented House Majority Leader, Nancy Pelosi. "You'll be impeached, and it will be open and shut."

"Uh uh," said Trump. "Double Jeopardy. Great movie. The hot Judd was in it back when she was hot. I can shoot you right in the middle of Mardi Gras. Like, you already tried to impeach me. You can't... You can't do it again. Like, I can do whatever I want now. No collusion. Fake News. In Jesus name we pray. Read the transcript. Make America Great Again."

"That's not how..." began Pelosi. She stopped speaking, looked at the President, and said, "The American people will see you in court."

"I know! Where do you think I'll be being Supreme?"

Constitutional scholars, lawyers, and YouTube personalities have been investigating the legality of Trump's nomination since he announced it at noon today. While it appears to be at very least a blatant violation of the emoluments clause of the US Constitution, it very likely breaks other statutes.

"The separation of powers into three distinct branches of government are enshrined as the foundation of our democracy," wrote Dr. Jacob Ansley of Georgetown University. "This cannot be legal. Absolutely not."

However, any number of YouTube celebrities have pointed out that Hillary Clinton or Joe Biden may have broken laws in the past which surely exculpates the current President from any guilt while he is President, possibly entitling him to a third and potentially fourth term, "if they don't shut up and quit being so annoying."

THE BIG TOBACCO WELCOMES NEW MANAGEMENT

 (Greensboro, NC) After four years with a readership in the single digits, management of the Big Tobacco website has been taken over by Totenkopf, inc, a multimedia conglomerate based in Houston, TX.

"We plan to make the Big Tobacco something that people will actually read. It was run by a middling - at best middling - English teacher in North Carolina as some kind of hobby website. Initially, we didn't even realize that it was supposed to be some stupid satire thing, and we figured that we were actually acquiring an inroad to tobacco products. It wasn't until we'd already threatened a lawsuit, settled out of court, and nearly had the former owner jailed that we realized that this wasn't exactly RJ Reynolds we were dealing with. By that time, we just figured, well, we'll just turn this thing around. Its budget had been literally nothing - as in zero dollars. If we turn a profit on this, great. If not, at least we got rid of one more guy who just goes around saying, 'Orange Man Bad.' We'll make it less, you know, garbage left wing propaganda."

Corporate restructuring at the Big Tobacco

The new management is sorting through corporate mission statements and a variety of strategies with an eye to undermining the anti-Christian, antifa, anarchist, leftist aristocracy headed, not by its current figurehead, Joe Biden, but a pedophile cult of lizard people beyond the ice wall that surrounds the known world. As many of those who are not in the thrall of the mainstream media already know, this cabal is led by none other than Hillary Clinton, also known as the Butcher of Benghazi and the Empress of Erased Emails.

Before being brutally murdered in broad daylight escorted off of the premises, former owner of the Big Tobacco had this to say:

"These guys are a bunch of corporate freaking Nazis! You have to help me! I don't even know what they want with my piddly little rag! I'm nobody! Nobody! If they can do this to me, they can do this to anyone! Help! Help!"

New management released this statement:

FREEDOM IS AS AMERICAN AS APPLE PIE. YOU LIKE APPLE PIE. DONALD TRUMP IS APPLE PIE. DONALD TRUMP WILL MAKE ALL OF YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE. THE LEFT IS FASCIST. THE LEFT IS COMMUNIST. THE LEFT WANTS TO TAKE ALL OF YOUR MONEY AND FINANCE MIGRANT CARAVANS AND TRAININGS IN SCHOOL THAT WILL TURN YOUR CHILDREN GAY. ...AND NOT, LIKE, ROCK HUDSON GAY - NEVERMIND THAT. THE BIG TOBACCO WILL BE A BASTION OF STRENGTH IN THAT FIGHT FOR FREEDOM. FREEDOM IS WHAT YOU WANT. FREEDOM IS WHAT THE UNITED STATES HAS. NO OTHER COUNTRY IN THE WORLD HAS FREEDOM. ANYONE WHO SAYS DIFFERENTLY IS A LEFTIST. LEFTISTS ARE THE ENEMY. IF YOUR MOMMY IS A COMMIE, THEN YOU GOTTA SHOOT HER DEAD. PATRIOTISM IS THE HIGHEST CALLING THAT YOU CAN HAVE. JESUS WAS A PATRIOT. DONALD TRUMP IS A PATRIOT. DONALD TRUMP IS JESUS.

BAR LOWERED AGAIN

 

(Charlotte, NC) Yeah, the bar is falling like crazy. Right?

So, this isn't going to be a normal Big Tobacco article at all...

Hi, it's me, the author, Guy Geaux. Obviously, that's not my real name, but I'm not terribly well-hidden as far as anonymous internet personalities go. As an indubitably loyal follower of this site, you'll remember me from such classic fourth wall-breakers as this one.

It's come to this: I haven't posted on here in quite some time because of, well, the same stuff that a lot of other people are going through: massive influx of information coming in from all sides, most of it very negative. My way of combating this sort of situation in the past has been generally to try to improve myself, to make myself equal to it. Usually, this would mean that there would be more articles here, not fewer, because typically that sort of self-improvement (in my case) means writing more.

It's cliché to say this, but my desire to stay sane is really at odds with my desire to stay informed. And, it's a manifestation of my privilege to be able to sign off from the world and ignore the news, knowing that as a white, middle class, straight dude, I'm probably going to be about as fine as anyone can really be. I am insulated.

But, that doesn't mean that I am thrilled with the way that things are going right now. "Less than thrilled" would be downplaying affairs to the point of affecting an English sense of... hypobole. Is that a literary device? It should be. You can figure it out.

I chose the headline that I chose for this piece because it really is eye-opening to watch what the ever descending terraces of new normal have done to us as a people. The GOP somewhat anticipated the public response to their decision to not have a platform for the RNC and the subsequent campaign, by casting its completely literally fascist outline as problematic on the part of the people who will call it what it is. If you are not embracing a series of core goals, but rather taking on the attitude of "America first, we support what the President says," that is fascism. To say otherwise is to ignore the very definition of the term.

So in this dire vein, I'm announcing that I will redouble my efforts to hold myself accountable to this blog. I'm going to stay off of social media, except, perhaps to promote this. The proverbial bar may be in free fall, but I don't have to be. I want to live in a world where a person can afford to go to the doctor when they are sick, where they aren't more likely to be shot for the color of their skin or brutalized for their identity, where the system is designed to support us, rather than our supporting of it. I want to live in a world where people have basic human dignity because they are alive, not because they own things.

But, I don't.

So, we come to this:

“I wish it need not have happened in my time," said Frodo.

"So do I," said Gandalf, "and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”

I am deciding to do the best that I can to help the people who need it, and I am resolving right here and now to not feel guilty about doing what I can - as little as that might be. As I've said a million times, the best thing (My wife hates it when I say things like this.) that you can do from a standpoint of not contributing to a problematic system is to simply die - it's like the Nth Law of Thermodynamics in that way. But, no one living can fault me for being alive.

So, I am going to be more metacognitive about who I am and what I do. I am re-creating myself for the zillionth time - I know. If the past is any teacher, this won't be the last time either. But with this particular re-creation, I plan to put as much of myself as I can into this site. I have had some great ideas on here, whether that's for writing, comics, merch, vlogging, or blogging - I feel like it's, maybe, one thing I can offer. Maybe, it's not much. Maybe, it's just about nothing. Maybe, the bar lowering isn't just the world around me. Maybe, it's me, as well, deciding that my best efforts are place on this site.

Maybe.

SUFFERERS OF TRUMP DERANGEMENT SYNDROME STILL WEARING MASKS

(Bethesda, MD) In his tour of Walter Reed Medical Center, President Donald Trump wore a mask, a move that surprised many of his followers and critics alike. While both downplaying the virus' severity and exaggerating the success and timeliness of his administration's response, the President has repeatedly mocked others for having worn masks, a recommendation from his own health advisors and the CDC. There have been liberals and conservatives who have both championed and decried the efficacy of mask wearing, but data shows that the President's supporters are around six times more likely to refuse. What has truly confused the President's supporters, however, was not his wearing of a mask, it was the lack of response from sufferers of what they refer to as Trump Derangement Syndrome.
The term has been copied from supporters of the previous President, Barack Obama, whose supporters copied it from the supporters of George W. Bush. It is used as a pejorative to claim that the referent has lost the ability to reason with regard to the President in question. When asked about the pathology of Trump Derangement Syndrome, Dr. Francis Dunmore of Gerschwitz University had this to say:
"You cannot be serious. I won't answer this line of inquiry on the grounds that it demeans the entire field of study. Get out of my office."
When pressed further, Dr. Dunmore claimed that he would call the police.
Most of the information that could be found in YouTube videos and poorly written, self-published work can be summarized to suggest that all TDS sufferers start at the conclusion "orange man bad" and work their way back to any data that supports their claim, while ignoring, "all the good the President has done."
This definition is "supported" by the claim that TDS sufferers will do absolutely anything to vilify the President. Proponents of the idea that TDS is real are baffled by the fact that those supposedly afflicted with the condition are still wearing masks.
"It's like they didn't see the President wearing a mask," said John Kohl of Fiddington, IN. "How can they keep wearing masks if they know that the President wore one? I mean, we all know - WE KNOW - about this condition. Even if they claim to not have it or if they say it's not real, we know it's real. So, it just is mysterious that they can wear a mask when they know full well that he's wearing one. Must be something Deep State. You know what I mean?"
We didn't.
"It's like," Mr. Kohl paused. "It's like there's a mutation in the TDS. It's like they're all of a sudden going to start doing the things that the President does. Like, now, they're suddenly to going start saying that China doesn't have our best interests at heart or that we should breath oxygen."
"You've gotta understand," said David Polvinsky of Des Moines, IA, "These people will do anything they can to promote Barack Hussein Obama over Donald Trump. Anything. If Donald Trump wears a mask, people are going to be saying that Barack Obama doesn't wear a mask, and that makes him God or something. Well, now Trump's wearing a mask. What do you say to that? I bet people are saying that Obama doesn't, and it's better."
After being asked who had actually said anything about Barack Obama, Polvinsky erupted into a rage, screaming, "don't you say that name! It is a pox upon the land!"
After calming Mr. Polvinsky down by singing the Star Spangled Banner twice, the interview continued.
Both men were then furnished with polling data that showed Trump's detractors still favored wearing masks, videos were shown to both men of Barack Obama wearing a mask, and twenty-seven 8 x 10 colored glossy pictures with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining that people who do not support the President still overwhelmingly support the wearing of masks, Mr. Kohl and Mr. Polvinsky claimed that they needed time to "think on the matter" because "it just didn't square with what they know about how Trump Derangement Syndrome works." They then asked several times if The Big Tobacco knew about or was associated with, "The Deep State."

THE BIG TOBACCO REMEMBERS: A LOOK BACK AT THE COVID-19 CRISIS OF 2020

(United States) As the country sees its final 54,000+ cases of COVID-19 yesterday, many are reflecting on the pandemic. The 4th of July weekend is giving a lot of US residents their first opportunity to celebrate together since the virus' total and complete elimination less than twelve hours ago. Many are participating in symbolic demonstrations, like burning the masks that they refused to wear for their safety and the safety of others. Others rallied around President Trump to affirm his statement that the virus would just "disappear."
Medical professionals are baffled.
"Virii don't just disappear like this," says Dr. Ben Ferro of Hamilton University. "You don't have 132,000 deaths over the course of a few months and then suddenly nothing the next day. This is insane. You people who are just declaring this over, you're going to be responsible for hundreds of thousands of deaths - maybe millions."
"Just ignoring this is the worst thing that you can do," says Dr. Alfred Franklin of the CDC. "We have been trying to tell everyone that this is beatable. This pandemic is something against which we could have taken action, against which we can still take action. But, to deny that it is even happening, this is a completely irresponsible, dangerous - even stupid - position to take."
"Yeah, well, it wasn't never real to begin with," mumbles Hank Perry, between sips of Budweiser. Mr. Perry is a manager at a car dealership in Lexington, KY, a supporter of the President, and the writer of a blog that poorly summarizes posts from Infowars. "We know it was just more of that MSN BS to undermine the President. Don't you think if it were real, Trump would be wearing a mask? I mean, look at it from that perspective. The President of the United States would wear a mask if it was dangerous. He doesn't. It ain't dangerous. These airy-fairy, namby-pamby liberals just want to control us. They want submission. Well, these colors don't run, buddy. Guess what? Now the virus is gone. Just like the President said it would be. Now what are they gonna say? It didn't disappear? Well, I got news for you: it did. That's it. Bam. I don't wanna hear anything else about Corona unless it's about that Mexican beer. That's it. Happy 4th. Freedom, b*tches."
When asked for a response to this, Dr. Franklin could only gesture with his palms turned skyward saying, "We deserve this. We deserve this. We are reaping what we've sown."

BIDEN UNVEILS 2020 CAMPAIGN SLOGAN, TRUMP SUES FOR COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT

(Philadelphia, PA) In a recent advertising message, the Biden campaign has released its primary slogan for its 2020 presidential run. A representative for the presumptive Democratic nominee had this to say:
"Remember when our worst scandal was a tan suit? Remember when Obama passed the Affordable Care Act? Remember when Navy SEALs killed Osama Bin Laden? Well, the good times are coming back if you vote for good ole Uncle Joe. We want to Make America Great Again."
The Trump administration is already pursuing legal action on the basis of copyright infringement. With a spokesperson releasing this statement:
"The crooked Biden campaign couldn't even come up with its own slogan. This is clearly plagiarism, and worse than that, it's based on lies. Things weren't better under Barack Hussein Obama. Americans are happy and wealthier under President Trump, and we want things to stay that way. Besides, everyone knows that Make America Great Again refers to a time when col- black people had to eat in different restaurants, attend different schools, and use different bathrooms. America was better when we drove cars that got a mile to a gallon, the commie liberals weren't trying to pull down statues of our confederate heroes, and the your gay uncle was just thought of as weird and had to stay in the closet his entire life. Marriage was between a man, his wife, and probably two or three mistresses. You could have two martinis for lunch, and there was no such thing as an abortion clinic."
Polling data has already reflected the confusion of the American public as the most recent reports from the NYT and Fox News have shown that the majority of the public now intends to vote against both candidates.
"Are you kidding me?" says Clive Horowitz, an accountant from Gunn, IN. "Who else have we got? I mean really? My four year-old would do a better job than either of these jokers. Biden wants to bring us back to an era in politics where the liberals were all patting themselves on the back while the conservatives were stacking the deck for the coming years. Trump wants to relegate all power to the states, which is just code for turning every state that has a rural population into a confederacy of itself. This is just nuts. I hope we get invaded. I do. Maybe, the occupying powers will be better than the idiots in Washington."
In answering the same question, Allen Ingram of Vesper, GA, had this to say, "I don't know why Trump had to say that there were good people on both sides of that rally in Charlottesville. There were people who wanted to keep up the statues of soldiers who fought to keep the power to decide whether or not you could own people in the hands of the states, and then there were assholes who wanted to erase my history. My great grandfather was a slave catcher. That's part of my history. How could our President say that people who wanted to take down the statue had good people on their side? That's just reprehensible. And Biden? Hasn't he tried to say that touching women is bad? I mean, I know he does it, but he's tried to, like, back away from sexual harassment and stuff. Why? If you want my vote, you need to be unafraid to grab 'em by the, well, you heard what Trump said. I just wish I could vote for DJT again, but if you're going to say that the people trying to tear down my heritage had some good people on their side, I just can't vote for you in good conscience. Plus, he assumed that there were some very good people from Mexican countries. That's just ridiculous."
Dr. Alma Spruill of the Political Science Department at Bellinghaus University had this to say, "It really isn't surprising in the least that the American public is confused. Biden is Trump is Biden is Trump, ad nauseam. A lot of people think that anyone who says that the two major political parties in the US are different shades of the same color just isn't paying attention. The truth of the matter is that the Democratic party has been pulled so far right that they aren't even left anymore. For context, can you imagine the progressives in countries where the police are not armed coming down hard on the side of funding the police with military equipment? In the US, they do. Can you imagine a left wing politician in Finland saying that progressives need to build a big tent for pro-lifers? Klobuchar, one of Biden's short list for VP, said that. So, what do you do? I don't know. I mean, you can vote Biden and hope and pray that he's going to pull things left. If you're a Trump supporter, and you want more reactionary right wing change, I think you have to go out into the woods and join a militia. Either way, I'm resigning my post at this institution. I have plans to walk into the sea today with a lady from the English department. Best of luck to you all."

NATION TURNS TO TRUMP SUPPORTERS FOR TRANSLATION OF LATEST STATEMENT: I HATE YOU ALL AND WILL TRY TO KILL EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU IF I CAN

(Washington, DC) During a heated press conference, President Donald Trump broke from scripted responses to address the American people directly with a message that caught many by surprise.
"Listen you disgusting vomit bags," said the President, "Yes, I am talking to you - all of you, the American public." Shocked into motionlessness, the assembled press watched, open mouthed as the amazingly coherent comments continued. "Look, I despise you. You are all nauseating to me. White supremacists? Black supremacists? Regular, average people? You make me want to throw up everything I've ever eaten. Democrat? Republican? Green Party? Don't even get me started on the Independents out there. This country needs to be entirely cleansed of the filth that is the American public. Draining the swamp starts with YOU. Y-O-U, YOU. I am actively trying to kill every last one of you, and if I can make it as agonizing as possible, I will. It's not enough for you to die. I want you all to suffer. I repeat: I hate you all and will try to kill every last one of you if I can. I am not joking. There is literally no other way to interpret this; I want you all to scream in pain as you die horribly."
After much throat clearing, hemming, and hawing, Fox News was first to respond, saying that it was waiting for word from the President's administration for clarification. One America News Network released one final statement before closing its doors with a finality that seems both ominous and permanent. The statement read, "Mr. President, we are doing our best to honor your request and have issued the appropriate tools for all of our staff members to honor you with self-immolation. Please, let us know by 5 pm this evening if this either not painful enough or if you have changed your mind, like God with Isaac."
The Twitterverse was quick to take up the controversy with Trump's detractors saying things like, "This is the most honest thing that Drumpf has said, ever," "Duh. Duh, duhing duh," and "How is any of this a surprise?"
However, Trump's supporters' responses to his comments have been much more varied.
"It's like I been sayin Trumps says it like it us. #MAGA," "And people call him a liar. Finally an honest President with balls," and "I AGREE ALL OF Y'ALL ARE GROSS AS HELL!" all share a common thread of agreement and acceptance. But, Tweets like, "This is a deep state fake! Fake News!" "OANN WHERE ARE YOU!?" and "Oh come on people, you know this just the MSM confusing the video," all indicate that their authors do not believe the video of Trump clearly stating that he loathes all of America. Lastly, there were a number of miscellaneous responses that defied classification, ranging from, "Oh come on now. It's clear that he's just," "This is a joke. Can't you tell when someone is joking about not joking!?" "Now thats some good points there. Yall cant talk bout nothin what aint been said" and "DIGABAH GRRRNTTTTGGGGG AWWWWAAALLLLAAAAYYYAAAA!!!" and more than a few other responses that made even less sense.
When asked for a follow up, the administration merely said that it was mobilizing all standing military and reserves for an "unspecified protocol."

TRUMP ADMINISTRATION QUIETLY SCRAPS PLANS FOR WASHINGTON REDSKINS RALLY AT SITE OF WOUNDED KNEE MASSACRE

(Wounded Knee Creek, SD) In the days following the Trump Administration's rare retreat from hosting its first 2020 campaign rally in Tulsa, OK, on June 19th, another event has been cancelled: a Washington Redskins practice day and Presidential appearance in South Dakota. Planning for the little known and very rare event began early in the forty-fifth President's term. While at one point Donald Trump had been a Buffalo Bills fan, even having unsuccessfully bid on buying the team in 2014, he has been heard saying, "What could be more American than the Redskins? I love them. They play right here in DC."
When asked why his administration had put pressure on the team to schedule a practice at the site of the Wounded Knee Massacre, a spokesperson responded, "We just, you know, sort of picked a place. It could have been anywhere. Look, Democrats are trying to make this out to be something that it isn't. They're trying to make it seem like this administration is somehow racist. That's just not true. No one loves inju- Native Americans as much as Donald Trump. Everyone knows that."
The Presidential Rally in Tulsa, the site of one of the single worst episodes in the nation's history with violence against minorities, was called a racist dog whistle by some critics, claiming that it was a (barely) tacit overture to white supremacists and other Donald Trump supporters. The location was not the only thing seen as problematic. This is especially true as protests and riots have, once again, ripped the nation apart along racial lines.
June 19th, or "Juneteenth," commemorates the day that the last slaves in the United States were freed from Galveston, TX, a full two months after the end of the Civil War. Again, critics of the President and his administration were quick to jump on this as problematic. In an unexpected turn of events, many of the President's supporters also claimed to have struggled with the timing of the campaign event.
"When we say, 'Make America Great Again, we mean it. There was a time when America was great. That time was basically right up until January 1st, 1863. We could own people. There's a reason that every time I tell some snowflake that he's gay for thinking that blue lives don't matter, I can say that I 'owned' him. It's a reference to when America wasn't courting Communism. Free Market - that's Capitalism - means that I can own people, sell smallpox blankets to the savages, whatever. That was when America was great. Juneteenth is a reference to the end of that glorious time. Seriously, and they wanted to have an event on that day? It's like a slap in the face. Now, we're getting back there. Corporate tax cuts mean that we can bring people to homelessness and starvation while making money on their labor and underpaying them in ways that are basically laughable, but can we own them? Actually own their physical personages? No. Not yet. When we're there, we'll be Great, again," commented an anonymous Donald Trump supporter and white nationalist, going by Tonald Drump, jr.
He went on to say, "Now, a bunch of namby pamby middle of the road folks are going to see this stuff as bad. So, you gotta do your time. Gotta play nice. They'll see how much better this is for everyone - it's the natural order of things. Well, we had to postpone the rally. We had to cancel the Redskins event. It's a shame. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a professional football team to play in South Dakota? I mean, yeah, it's the Redskins, so they barely qualify, but still."
When asked about future events, Drump laughed, saying, "Yeah, try and find a date and place in the entire United States that isn't the site or anniversary of something we did to black or brown or red or yellow people. You won't."
Drump went onto speak about the superiority of the white race while unwittingly being the best argument against any and all of his own statements.

NATION'S POLICE WIN FULL CUSTODY OF CONFEDERATE MONUMENTS IN DIVORCE FROM USA

(Crudite, AK) "Now, I am tellin' you; hand to the almighty heavenly Father that not all cops are racist," stated Chief Frank "The Law" Beauregard, of the Crudite, AK Police Department. "And, keeping my hand to the Holy Trinity in heaven above, we are going to find those disloyal sumbitches and drum e'ry last one of 'em out of the department!"
Beauregard's comments came days after the divorce settlement between the United States of America and its police departments became final. The United States of America won back its use of the words, "liberty," "freedom," and "justice," with a conditional settlement that might remand those actual concepts to the care of the United Nations, while the nation's police departments were able to keep 1,503 statues, plaques, and other monuments to the Confederacy. Additionally, the departments were awarded the entire DVD boxed set of Fox's TV show, "COPS." Custody of the song "Bad Boys," by reggae band, "Inner Circle," was awarded jointly.
Having grown, arguably, out of the Philadelphia Police Department, which traces its history back to 1663, the US Marshals (1791), the US Secret Service (1865), and several organizations employed to combat unions and catch runaway slaves, US law enforcement agencies have a long history of scuffles with the American public, often with minorities at the forefront.
"Well, we love the American public," said Beauregard. "We do. Just, sometimes, well, sometimes they just get us so mad, you know? Like, our job is to protect people's property - property, you with me? Nine tenths of the laws is possession, right? So, then, they get so upset when we crack a few heads here and there, trying to show people that the possession of rights are for the people who have them. So, you know how the public is... they get angry and upset. They protest. And, well, we just gotta come back at them with APC's, tear gas, and rubber bullets. I mean, they know it's going to happen, but they do it anyway. Deep down, I think they liked it."
The country's divorce from its police departments has left many wondering, how will police departments cope? What will they do? Where will they go?
"We'll, uh, we'll be fine. We just gotta, you know, work on ourselves a bit," Beauregard replied. The nation's police departments have checked into the Econolodge by the airport. "We still got all them Confederate monuments, you know, so that's something. Maybe, we can charge admission to see them. Lots of Trump supporters would to see 'em. Yeah, I think... I think we're gonna be okay."
When asked what the United States of America would do about violent crime, the nearly 244 year-old nation replied, "Well, I'm not totally sure, but I've got about 115 billion dollars more to work on that every year. Plus, I've been talking to, well, you know just talking to Iceland, Ireland, New Zealand, Norway, the United Kingdom - they have cops who aren't armed. Can you imagine? How crazy would that be? I know, I know, take things a bit at a time, right? Well, I am, I am - I just gotta get out there, you know?"