AREA MAN ALREADY DECIDING WHAT NEIGHBORS TO SHOOT FIRST IN COMING CIVIL WAR

 

Drugar's palpable joy at his solemn duty of potentially killing the neighbors he deems "enemies of the state"

(Glandred, VA) As tensions ramp up to the most divisive election in recent US history, the public is bracing for whatever may happen next: a peaceful transition of power, rioting and protesting, or even a potential civil war. While most respondents to polls about the uncertainty of next week's vote counts and their corresponding effects have been metered, even grim, a small but terrifying minority has spoken in ineptly guarded tones of optimism with an eye to the potential for ensuing violence and mayhem.

"Them Johnsons down the street," said Bill Drugar of Glandred, VA, "They got their stupid Biden/Harris sign out there, like they ain't never read my blog about Crossfire Hurricane or nothin'! You know that they'll be supporting this coup - that's what it is, it's a red fascist communist Khmer Rouge coup - they'll be wavin' flags and cheerin' when Biden steals the election from Donald Trump."

The fifty-three year-old eBay merchant took a break from loading the various firearms he owns and maintains in his two bedroom house to depict a dire scene of rejoicing and celebration on the part of his Democratic neighbors. "But, I'll tell you what though," he stroked the barrel of one of the many firearms on hand, phallically, and continued. "When Trump calls us to action to take back this country, Old Betsy - that's my Bushmaster right here - I named her after Davy Crockett's gun - she's gonna have her say. And, I can't wait to notch me up some traitors. I seen the Goodes down the hill from here with a Black Lives Matter sign at the bottom of their driveway. You know they're just waiting for a chance to loot and riot and rape. Antifa insanity. Well, let's see 'em try to loot and rape me."

When asked about whether or not his probable first targets for insurrection were in any way actually violent or threatening, Drugar had this to say:

"I mean, if they support a guy who's planning to steal the Presidency, who knows what they'll do? They probably only have, like, maybe, one gun per household, but I think I can take care of 'em." Appearing out of breath and salivating visibly, Drugar added, "Yeah, I can take care of 'em. I'll get 'em."

The aforementioned neighbors, the Johnsons and Goodes, were horrified to learn about Drugar's thoughts but each family revealed plans to leave later today on road trips to familial residences in Seattle, WA and Augusta, ME, respectively, on election night and a full quarantine period afterwards.

"We don't have any guns," said Davis Johnson, "There's a two year-old and a five year-old living here. Guns? Revolution? That man is sick. He's sick."

These sentiments were echoed by Georgina Goode, who pointed out that they have never been anything but civil toward Mr. Drugar, despite his repeated and progressively more abrasive attempts to force them to read his blog, "ThePattriotsPrid."

"I think he thinks that spelling is a form of tyranny," she said. "The guy is coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs."

According to recent polls, fewer than .001% of the general public is "certain that a Biden victory will lead to civil war," but no respondent within that group could conceal their excitement about that prospect.