Guinness Book of World Records: Collective Eye-Rolling Record May Never Be Beaten

(Mar-a-Lago, FL) At around 9:00 PM EST, global eye-rolling became audible along with the groans of more than four billion people. Arhab Pasha of Karachi, Pakistan, claims to have heard the noise at 7 AM (GMT+5) and had this to say, "It was very strange. One moment, everything is completely quiet. Out of nowhere I heard a sound like a blink - you know the little 'pop' your eyes make when you open and shut them? But it was somehow louder and softer at the same time. Like something sliding. Yes. Like that. There came with it a kind of groan, you know?" 

The phenomenon was not isolated. In Almaty, Kazakhistan, Dastan Orazev reported something similar, as did Russell Tipton in Leeds, UK. All over the world, it is estimated that 4.6 billion people collectively rolled their eyes and let out some form of exasperated sigh. Perhaps unsurprisingly, at the exact same time, former President and current Florida man, Donald Trump, announced yesterday that he would be running for President of the United States of America again in 2024. This comes on the heels of a close and divisive midterm election season that, with a runoff election in Georgia and some states still counting their ballots, is not yet over. While having a likely lock on the House of Representatives, Republicans have not performed as well as many pollsters had forecasted. At the heart of this is the forty-fifth President, who many see as having sown division into his own party, with a split opinion on the 2020 election, January 6th, and how deep a potential veneer of human decency should be at the forefront of disagreements in America's right wing.

The Guinness Book of World Records has called into question whether this many people will ever collectively roll their eyes again, as a potential Trump win in 2024 could significantly decrease world population through thermonuclear war, climate change, mass suicide, a wet bulb die off, what author Kurt Vonnegut described as "thousand mile stare," or any combination of these and more.

Good luck to you all.

US Supreme Court Celebrates Mother's Day: Soon All Women Will Be Mothers!

(Washington, DC) The news source Politico claimed to have obtained a leaked draft of a Supreme Court decision, authored by Justice Alito. The decision would overturn the 1973 Roe v. Wade decision, which holds that women in the United States have the fundamental right to an abortion. Recent rulings by lower courts in Texas and Oklahoma challenge the precedent and could criminalize the procedure for both doctors and patients. While upset that the decision leaked, Chief Justice Roberts has issued the following statement:

"It is unconscionable to me that a breach of protocol of this nature has exposed some of the most sensitive inner workings of the Court. This was supposed to be a Mother's Day present to the United States of America. After all, how best to celebrate motherhood than to assure all women in America that they'll soon be mothers? This was supposed to be a surprise! Now, it's all ruined, and you're going to have liberals throwing protests and crying in the streets over whether or not they should do what their bodies really want them to do. We're going to find out just who ruined this and make them pay. It will be a firm justice and a fair one. That is what I, a white conservative male, have been appointed for a lifetime to do, mete out what I believe justice to be. It was what I was born for, clearly. To illustrate how fair I am, I would like to point out that even in this leaked document, I, alone among conservative justices, did not support a complete reversal of precedent here. After all, what if there's, like, a really hot mistress who gets knocked up? I mean, she can't have a baby. If she did, that would just be a total waste of some really hot tail. And what's that going to do to any congressman or businessman who cannot get that Taken Care Of? That's going to affect us right up to the highest levels of government and business. The jobs and places of the common people could be disrupted."

While the Court said that the decision was not final, it did not deny the authenticity of the leaked document. Justices Sotomayor and Kagan were not present for comment, as they were being fitted for the garments of Marthas, while Justice Coney Barret was seen to be in talks with a training center to orient Aunts for the coming of the nation of Gilead, popularized in the collective conservative consciousness by Canadian writer Margaret Atwood.

CDC TO RECOMMEND IGNORING HEALTH PROBLEMS UNTIL THEY GO AWAY

(Atlanta, GA) - Just days after the CDC lowered its recommended quarantine time for coronavirus exposure, from ten days to five, the agency has come up with a single new guideline for sick Americans. The initial change in its stance included the admission that the reduction in its recommended isolation period was due to pressure from industry barons and their counterparts in government. It also included guidelines for mask usage that will change absolutely nothing for the people who are and are not wearing masks.

"At this point," said Dr. Anthony Fauci, "People are just going to do whatever the fuck they have been doing. I'm sick to death - almost literally - of all of these assholes pretending that there's nothing that can be done while they never even tried to follow a single fucking guideline that we've put out from day one. Yeah, we're lowering the recommended time period as a futile attempt to get a bunch of morons to at least try something against a plague that's killed more Americans than military combat." The eighty-one year-old doctor sighed in frustration and then made several noises that sounded close to crying. "You know what? You know what?" he shreiked. "Just ignore it. Just ignore the fact that all the carousing and lack of awareness out there is going to undermine the vaccines - which were our best shot at shutting this thing down - ignore the fact that you're quite literally killing the people around you with your stubborn desire to express your 'freedom.' Just ignore all your health problems until they go away. Diabetes? Dia-what? Cancer? Cancelled. Heart disease? Hearing who? Screw it. Do your own thing. It's what you were all going to do anyway. Get your medical advice from Dr. Oz. See how well a himalayan salt cleanse stacks up against AIDS. Just forget all the things we've said and done for you as a society when it comes to medicine. May God have mercy on your souls, you slouching, idiotic sacks of meat."

The Biden administration has apparently taken this as a victory against the COVID-19 pandemic.