CDC TO RECOMMEND IGNORING HEALTH PROBLEMS UNTIL THEY GO AWAY

(Atlanta, GA) - Just days after the CDC lowered its recommended quarantine time for coronavirus exposure, from ten days to five, the agency has come up with a single new guideline for sick Americans. The initial change in its stance included the admission that the reduction in its recommended isolation period was due to pressure from industry barons and their counterparts in government. It also included guidelines for mask usage that will change absolutely nothing for the people who are and are not wearing masks.

"At this point," said Dr. Anthony Fauci, "People are just going to do whatever the fuck they have been doing. I'm sick to death - almost literally - of all of these assholes pretending that there's nothing that can be done while they never even tried to follow a single fucking guideline that we've put out from day one. Yeah, we're lowering the recommended time period as a futile attempt to get a bunch of morons to at least try something against a plague that's killed more Americans than military combat." The eighty-one year-old doctor sighed in frustration and then made several noises that sounded close to crying. "You know what? You know what?" he shreiked. "Just ignore it. Just ignore the fact that all the carousing and lack of awareness out there is going to undermine the vaccines - which were our best shot at shutting this thing down - ignore the fact that you're quite literally killing the people around you with your stubborn desire to express your 'freedom.' Just ignore all your health problems until they go away. Diabetes? Dia-what? Cancer? Cancelled. Heart disease? Hearing who? Screw it. Do your own thing. It's what you were all going to do anyway. Get your medical advice from Dr. Oz. See how well a himalayan salt cleanse stacks up against AIDS. Just forget all the things we've said and done for you as a society when it comes to medicine. May God have mercy on your souls, you slouching, idiotic sacks of meat."

The Biden administration has apparently taken this as a victory against the COVID-19 pandemic.