DONALD TRUMP AND R. KELLY REPORTEDLY WORKING ON COLLABORATIVE PROJECT

(Chicago) Having come under fire after a heated CBS interview with Gayle King and the scathing documentary, "Surviving R. Kelly," the singer/songwriter is reportedly responding by marshaling star power from those who are sympathetic to his situation.
"The President knows just what it is to go through something like this," said Kelly in a press conference last Wednesday. "They won't stop coming after him for the things that he did, just because he's rich and powerful. People don't like to see your success, so they try to drag you down to their level. They'll use every trick in the book to make you pay for your crimes."
President Donald Trump is currently subject to an impeachment inquiry with the House of Representatives investigating his administration's dealings with the Ukraine. He has repeatedly called the inquiry a "witch hunt."
"Trump's got a hurt soul," Kelly went on to say. "His contribution to the music of my upcoming album, 'Pee Tapes Don't Mean Nothin'' is spiritual and important. You can hear the pain in his voice when he tries to say sentences. So much of the time, he can't even finish what he's saying because he just feels so under attack for all those things that he did."
The President, when asked about the upcoming collaborative project at a Rose Garden press conference, commented, "No collusion. People don't want to see- They really care- finding the e-mails is- listen people, there was absolutely not a quid pro climate change. All of the best people have said that my friends are- who, you know, R. Kelly - it's very sad. I love the gay blacksicans. Hillary's e-mails are out there in Russia and Bengazi. Everyone knows about it."
Yesterday, a preview track was released with an edited version of the comment cut with sound effects and Kelly providing backup singing. The track was reviled by representatives from the political left and right. Music aficionados, however, cannot stop praising it as "a revelation," "an entirely new genre of music," and saying "you know how powerful music has to be to make you feel like you've been peed on... and are okay enough with it to keep listening? It's that."
An administration official who refused to speak under oath or be identified in any way has rumored that Russian President Vladimir Putin has had a large amount of input on the project and has even had creative control over its release.

SECESSIONIST MOVEMENTS STRONGEST IN PLACES WHERE NO ONE WANTS TO GO

(New Jersey) From the President's comments last March to this poll that was taken last year, the USA's division has reached levels that many would say are unsustainable. Leading the charge is a group of people who live in some of the nation's most notorious dumps. Militias across the country are threatening to secede and to take the land that no one wants with them.
"These colors don't run!" growled fifty-six year-old Ben Ferris of Walling's Grove, NJ, brandishing a Bushmaster assault rifle in one hand and an insulin pump for his type 2 diabetes in the other. "Don't tread on me!"
When asked, specifically, what issues Mr. Ferris considered worthy of leading a secessionist movement, his reply was as follows:
"The 'demon-crats' think that they can take our guns away and bully our President. But, they never paid attention to the fact that the Pledge of Allegiance says, "...to the Republic for which it stands." If you're not voting Republican, you're going against the soul of our nation. Well, if that's what they're going to try to do, we'll just break away and form our own state."
Oddly enough, there was no response to his secessionist threats. In response, Dr. Alma Ramirez of the Political Science Department at the University of Pennsylvania had this to say, "Mr. Ferris' town of Walling's Grove has an unemployment rate of 73%, a median housing price of $23,000, and 'super fund' sites occupying 40% of the town's total area. It would appear that the country... doesn't... give a shit?"
Similar situations have cropped up around the nation. Hole, Florida; McKenzie, Georgia; Gerryhill, Alabama, and several other small, rural communities across the United States have put forward secessionist calls, as well. They have received no response from local, state, or national government. Federal representatives, when asked to comment, were unable to release official comment because they "could not believe it."
In response to the government's lack of comment, Ferris replied, "Hell yeah! These colors don't run! Blue lives matter! Oh-rah! Support the troops! Build the Wall! Lock 'er up! MAGA!"

REPUBLICAN TIME TRAVELER FROM THE FUTURE WARNS AMERICA OF COMING EQUALITY

Robert Hickenthorpe claims to have traveled back in time to stop the coming utopia.
(Washington, D.C.) The capital of the United States plays host to many visitors every day. Yesterday, however, a traveler arrived, claiming to have come from a "when" rather than a "where."
Robert Hickenthorpe insisted that he was born in 2024 in a state-funded hospital in Milwaukee. After enjoying free healthcare, bonding with his mother over the next nine weeks of her paid maternity leave, and then going to a federally sponsored daycare, Hickenthorpe claims that he went to an excellent public school and graduated from a college with no student loan debt.
"It's awful in the future," he claims. "You wouldn't believe it. We can't look down on anyone, call anyone slurs, or do anything without being judged! It's crazy! There are no more billionaires, and everything runs on renewable energy - guess where they got the incentives to do that? I'll give you a hint, it rhymes with 'toverment gaxes'!"
After drawing a crowd at the Lincoln Memorial, Hickenthorpe went on to describe the horrors of being a white male in the year 2060.
"It's like I can't look down on anyone for having been born a certain way or anything. If I do, I get called all sorts of names, like 'homophobe' and 'racist' and 'Trumpspawn'. You tell me if that sounds like a free country to you - getting judged for saying stuff. It's totally unfair."
Attracted by what they apparently thought was a satirical actor, the crowd egged Hickenthorpe on, saying, "What about the Wall?"
Confused, Hickenthorpe couldn't understand the crowd's request, stating that no border wall had ever been completed, and the sections in existence were torn down with very little trouble at all.
"What's wrong with you people!?" Hickenthorpe asked the crowd. "It's like you want a place where everyone's safe and no one carries guns anymore. What kind of pansies are you?"
Applause and boisterous laughter shook Hickenthorpe further, but he went on to say, "If you think that this is all well and good, just wait until you can't pay for a better education than your neighbor because the schools are all well funded and all public. Can you imagine that kind of stupidity? It's like people think that they've got some kind of entitlement to equal rights! Tell me, where is that written?"
After having it pointed out to him that those words are on the founding document of the United States and that any decently educated person would know this, Hickenthorpe admitted to really not having been from the future, but actually is from Yazoo City, Mississippi and where he was born in 1970, is registered as a Republican, and runs a Pro Donald Trump blog.