"We want our kids to be safe," claimed noted gun fetishist, Richard Hudson. "Safe from the insane ideas of Bolshevik state worshipers who would take our guns away so that they could massacre us later."
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This topic has become particularly heated after the vocal response from survivors of one of the nation's most recent and bloody school shootings. Students from Parkland, Florida have added their voices to the national debate, pointing out that they would prefer not being shot. While this may seem obvious and even very old-hat, the right has, similarly, retreated to its mantra of arguments.
"You can't stop a bad guy with a gun without a good guy with a gun!" exclaimed a gun on the steps of the NC state house, yesterday. When asked to comment beyond its fusillade of, "If the government takes away guns, only criminals will have guns!" "Don't tread on me!" and "Do you wanna ban cars?" A spokesperson for the gun, local militiaman, Don Fuchs (below), pointed out that the Nazis took away the guns of the German populace before massacring them.
"I should know," said Fuchs, "My grandfather was a guard at Bergen-Belsen. He told me all about it."
Conservatives and other, more traditionally masculine men have decried this assault on their rights while stroking long, hard cylindrical firearms and reaffirming their masculinity. However, NC lawmakers have assured their constituents that their guns have nothing to fear.
"We've found the silver bullet to eliminate school violence and all of those left-leaning Stalinist ideas," explained Republican Larry Pittman (R), "All we have to do is just shut down the schools. The added bonuses are all over the place. Think about what we can do with all that funding - no more schools in North Carolina? That's gotta be like, what a couple of thousand dollars at least, right? Less regulation of what kids learn. More family involvement. I mean, this is like, win-win-win-win."
While critics of the idea have claimed that the plan would lead to "an uneducated populace, incapable of making sound decisions or having any kind of a chance in the future," "a state fit to be ruled by an idiot third grader," and "oh my god, you can't even be serious about this, right?" the bill's proponents have suggested that they are all a bunch of whining Nancys.
While the bill must still pass the NC Senate, many legislators are excited at the prospect of having a populace that is even less educated than it currently is. Meanwhile, Governor Roy Cooper contemplated the purchase of a firearm with which he could play Russian roulette while the legislature decides to overrule his impending veto.
