"Stop Making Us Hold the Economic System as a Hostage," Say Hedge Fund Managers

 

Victim

(Manhattan, NY) "When regular people try to play the stock market, they just don't understand the harm that they can do to the system. It's not funny. It's not a game. And, it's not just my yacht money that these people are playing with," said Reginald Lacklinghouse III. "A lot of people are dependent on the money that we are manipulating, and if these plebeians manage to break the system, a lot of people are going to suffer because we've been setting the system up that way for decades."

In the wake of this week's economic attacks on capital, hedge fund managers are appealing to the public. They claim that the destruction of arbitrary wealth will have unforeseen effects on a system that they maintain, benefit from, and exploit. This could, they say, effect the general population if they cause it do so.

"Look, I don't want to bankrupt grandma's pension to keep my third yacht," says Lord Fragnast Grefflingfroth of Ballwarm Manor. "But, if push comes to shove, your grandmother will face serious consequences."

When thousands of average citizens leveraged what small monetary power they could in the stock market, it cost veteran stock traders billions of dollars. These academically inclined fund redistributors are truly suffering. Angorlican Forestrudemuffin bewailed the plight of her daugher, 45, who had to eat something that had been bought from the store.

"She's allergic to anything that isn't grown specifically for her!" says Forestrudemuffin. "This is the first time that she's ever had to eat regular veal! Can you imagine? You're brought up to eat baby legs that were grown specifically for you, and then suddenly, that's wrested away from you, and you have to eat... whatever veal is - our hired help said it was just as good as whatever it is she normally prepares, but can you imagine? Can you even imagine it? These poors are even more disgusting than we originally believed."

(Editor's note: We were unable to find anyone that could imagine it but not for the reason that Forestrudemuffin implied.)

When asked what people created the wealth that the various beneficiaries of the stock market utilize to enjoy the lives that they have, sources responded with, "What are people?" and "Does work exist?"

YAY!!! 2020 OR 2021 EXPECTED TO BE WARMEST YEAR YET!

 

(Worldwide) With climatologists ranking 2019 as the second or third warmest year since record keeping of this kind began, the expectations for average temperature in 2020 are high.
The report has met with an ecstatic response from summer enthusiasts all over the world.
"Eternal summer? What could be better?" asked surf shop owner Hal Fenwick, of Sandhall, SC.
"Warmer weather is, like, more, you know, good for plants and stuff, isn't it?" pointed out Bill Greene, a local GED aspirant and Sandhall's only amateur tour guide.
His opinion has been echoed by those on Capitol Hill. Moreover, it reflects a shift in responses to Climate Change, something vehemently denied by many Republican politicians.
"As we see public perception of the warming phenomenon change, along with some of my colleagues' arrival at a middle school level of scientific literacy, it's going to become important for us as a culture to recontextualize the idea of a warming world," said Rep. Steve White (R - TX). He went into further detail, saying, "Instead of James Inhofe bringing a snowball onto the Senate floor, we're looking more at the silver lining. I mean, who doesn't like summer? When I was a boy, we loved it. Beach trips. Girls in bikinis. No school. I mean, this is a win-win if we play it right."
In response, Rep. Susan Gordon (D - VT) fired back, "Are you kidding me? You know warmer temperatures mean more droughts, more and stronger hurricanes, desertification, destruction at all levels!"
Republicans, however, were too captivated with White's words to issue a response, as they were already in talks to draft an "Endless Summer Bill" that would end public education forever, thereby creating a space for even larger tax cuts, ending politically charged teacher's strikes, and ensuring that future generations would not have access to information or reasoning skills that might lay the blame for catastrophic societal and anthropological shift on the backs of those who not only did nothing to prevent it but actively tried to silence activists in favor of their own interests.

Editor's note: Recognize this article? Yes! It's a repost from 2019! Ha ha ha ha ha... We had no idea what was going to happen in 2020 at that point - imagine!

THE BIG TOBACCO SURRENDERS

See how much better surrender looks?

(Greensboro, NC) Yeah, so this coming week is an anxietyfest with a crisis coating, under a layer of awfulness, stuck in a disaster, which is on fire and has raisins on top. The world is seeing an insane number of COVID cases but has largely stopped caring because a vaccine that many people are refusing to take is being deployed problematically. National Guard troops are bivouacked in the US capital for the first time since the (first) American Civil War to maybe fight with or against incoming rioters, protestors, or possibly the incoming administration. And, on a personal note, I've caught two mice in my attic but don't know how many more may be up there. No, that's not all that's going on...

With the infinite number of headlines out there, I could guess at the best one for this week, but it would be the statistical twin of trying to win the Megamillions (which is at, like, 850 million!?) Sorry everyone, but I just don't have the energy for it. I put together like four different headlines, but none of them felt good enough. So, yeah, this is what you're getting. Bam. I just put on "Surrender" by Cheap Trick and started writing. I'm not okay with it, but I'm going to be okay enough with it to hit "publish" in about fifteen minutes.

This is where I am. If you're still reading this, it's where we are. Thank you for reading. I'm thinking of taking this much more local in the coming weeks. There's enough satire that's (inter)national. What if the Piedmont Triad had its own, homegrown jerk who just wanted to write things about stuff. That not specific enough? Well, that's the great thing about low-stakes writing of this sort. If I don't deliver, who's really going to be all that disappointed? Me? ...well...

I'm going to try and do something productive before we're all forced to kneel to Queen Boebert or whatever happens next week. Ugh. 

AREA MAN APPALLED AT MEDIA'S HYPOCRISY IN HANDLING OF TWO EXTREMELY DIFFERENT EVENTS

 

Peaceful Trump supporters trying to calmly overturn a democratic election

(Washington, DC) The events of January 6th, 2021 have terrified, saddened, and embarrassed people across the United States and the world. As the current President corroborated feelings of distrust toward the electoral system that did not select him, an enormous crowd of his supporters became (coincidentally) agitated and mere moments after one of his closest associates, Rudy Giuliani, called for a "trial by combat," many of those present marched (in an entirely unrelated protest) on the Capitol building where the election of President-elect Joe Biden was being certified by Congress. The resulting (and entirely distinct) riot became violent, resulting in the deaths of five people, including one member of the Capitol police. The mainstream news media has painted the events a riot, an attempted coup, and a seditious attempt by the President to undermine democracy.

"Oh, but it's fine when the they do it," said Mark Wolfhaus of Ferkingville, AL, who declined to comment on who "they" were, instead choosing to lean, wink, and say, "you know who." The fifty-three year-old former landscaping company manager was absolutely disgusted with the media's handling of the events at the Capitol. He continued, saying this, "It's just disgusting. They've been doing this since the beginning. Trump can't get a fair shake. The media is reporting this like the BLM riots didn't happen. Yes, there were some really regrettable things that happened on the sixth, but you can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs. It's just awful that they shot that young lady down who was trying to breach a secure area where some of the heads of government were sheltering. I can't believe it. She was a veteran. You know that? A veteran."

When asked what might have happened if BLM protests had reached that point, Wolfhaus had this to say:

"Oh ho ho ho, now, you think we'd let them get into the Capitol? You gotta be kidding me. If they'd have knocked on the door it's castle doctrine all day long."

The legal defense to which Wolfhaus referred exempts a person from consequences in the defense of a habitation, even to the extent of killing a suspected threat.

"That's different though," he went on to say, "BLM is a clear and present danger to everything we hold dear in this country. Those protestors were frustrated. It was like their grievances and objections to how they're being governed weren't even being heard. Well, you push people too far, they're eventually going to have their say. That's what was happening. I wouldn't be surprised if we haven't heard the last from those brave patriots." (Editor's note: he was most likely referring to the Capitol protestors who were upset with losing an election, not members of the BLM movement who have been protesting because of the disproportionate use of lethal force against blacks in America.) 

Wolfhaus would not comment when pressed on whether or not BLM had taken any sensitive documents when riots were going on in the wake of the killing of George Floyd at the hands of Minneapolis police. He did have this to say:

"Okay, yeah, yeah. It's not like those people were fighting against real injustice. So a cop killed one of theirs. Happens all the time. What about black-on-black crime? What about the fact that more white people are killed by police? We're talking about an election that was stolen by an evil man who is really just a pawn of..." Wolfhaus' eyes scanned the immediate vicinity before he continued, "Her. Hillary Rodham Clinton. You know she's behind this. You just know it. Watch the guys on YouTube. They'll tell you the truth. Maybe, who knows? Maybe the materials that they'll get out of there have some stuff on them that will connect this to Soros. You never know with the government."

When confronted with the facts that the recent round of BLM protests involved millions of people, took place in hundreds of cities, and were statistically less violent (# of people involved vs. injuries and deaths) than what happened at the Capitol, Wolfhaus appeared to be experiencing some sort of distress. The Big Tobacco correspondent then asked if BLM protests were seditious, if BLM supporters had brought zip ties into a house of government with the clear intent of taking hostages, if BLM posed any real threat to the governance of the United States. This caused Wolfhaus to scream, "Sic semper tyrannis!" just as a squad of FBI agents breached his door in an attempt to arrest him over the selfies that he had taken just days earlier in an unnamed congressperson's office. However, in the contemporary version of Cato throwing himself on his sword, Wolfhaus tased himself in the testicles and suffered a cardiac arrest.

UNSUSPECTING POPULACE CHEERFULLY HAILS THE END OF 2020

 

Little did they know...

Claimed by many to be the worst year that they can remember, 2020's end brought forth a celebration like few others: distant families Zoom called each other, friends stayed home and posted on social media, many went to bed well before midnight. Others wanted to be sure:

"No, I stayed up. I was worried that we were going to get a call at 11:58, saying my grandmother had caught some fast-acting COVID or something and was already dead. It's been that kind of year," said Marshall Tonkin, of Shreveport, LA.

Between the coronavirus epidemic, political squabbling, and tensions exacerbated by both, many have lost loved ones in death and in the breakdown of communication.

"My Nana thinks the COVID vaccine contains microchips from Bill Gates. What on Earth does Bill Gates want to chip my grandmother for? If it could help her not call me from the grocery store to ask why she went there, maybe it would be for the best. Like, I don't know why you went there. Why would I? You just can't talk to her anymore. It's always, 'They've got it in for Trump this, and the Democrats are demons that.' Yeah Nana, they've got it in for him because he's a criminal." commented Allison Dubronik of Mendi, IA.

But what no one in the United States seems to be able to remember is how awful everyone thought 2019 was. The online optimism that was pervasive at the beginning of 2020 has long been forgotten, even as Timehop and Google photos remind people of where they were a year ago, the connection to the present is missed.

"Ugh. I can't wait for 2021," said Allan Singh of Tempe, AZ. "This whole thing has been a show that rhymes with 'hit.'"

Mr. Singh is unaware of two things, however: First, he made the exact same joke (editor's note: the use of the word joke is... iffy) last year. Second, he has absolutely no idea how terrible 2021 will be.

When a third COVID strain breaks down supply chains and production capability in April, Congress will pass a "Necessary Measures" bill giving them the ability to militarily conscript workers into essential frontline jobs. Mr. Singh, who claimed that retail was an essential service because people need clothes, will not remember those words either when he is forced to work forty hours a week at a Footlocker, forty-five minutes from his home.

"2020 was the crucible. 2021 is my reward," said Jocelin Hargrave of Newport, RI. Unaware that her reward would bring her utter and complete financial ruin when the value of the dollar crashes in May, set off by an increase in virus transmission and vaccine shortages all over the world. With international markets in chaos, Ms. Hargrave will spend her last months of 2021, living in her boyfriend's uncle's basement.

As coastlines disappear to climate change-related weather incidents, and droughts related to the same phenomenon cause border disputes and civil wars across the map, refugee crises will add fuel to viral fires across the world. Disparity between the wealthy and impoverished lead to unrest in traditionally stable democracies, leading to the rise of demagogues, promising reform but issuing fascist-style fiats that play upon the fears of the populace. International trading, long having dispersed the means of production across the globe, will grind to a halt from the stresses of tariffs, inconsistent regulation, and economic turmoil. With a populace to specialized into bureaucratic and officious employment to adapt to the needs of a world without international industry, societal breakdown becomes ubiquitous. Developing nations are hit hard and first, but because the post-industrialized nations, not having known real want in decades, are plunged into fury. 2021 is later referred to in history books as "the first bad year of many," with 2020 largely left out.

In 2134, a historian says, "They wanted people to stay home in 2020. Oh wow. I bet that's about as bad as the cannibal slave markets of 2022."

FROM ALL OF ME AT THE BIG TOBACCO: