DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES CANNOT AGREE ON HOW TO LOSE THE ELECTION

(Iowa) As the Iowa caucus approaches, a new problem confronts Democratic Presidential hopefuls: how will they lose the election for their party? Candidates are competing for the party's nod to leave the nation flabbergasted with a Trump 2020 victory. Current President Trump has been impeached, had dozens of scandals - both personal and professional, and appears to be unable to construct a comprehensible sentence. With polls showing that President Trump's approval rating is historically low and much of the country supporting an impeachment conviction, a 2020 victory would seem inevitable for the Democrats.
"I have a plan for that!" said Elizabeth Warren.
"This could be your only chance to lose on a gay, veteran mayor," cut in Pete Buttigieg.
"I have been on the losing side - the only right side, the opposite side as the 1% - since before any of you were born!" bellowed Bernie Sanders.
"Don't you remember how great it was to lose with Barack Obama in office? Well, your Uncle Joe is here to bring those days back!" commented the only person who would say something like that.
"Under my administration, everyone would be guaranteed to lose - that kind of loss always spurs economic growth and intellectual productivity," said Andrew Yang.
Amy Klobuchar was not popular enough to be reached for a statement.
As the sane population of the planet Earth collectively cries into various bottles of booze, screams into the void, or silently and grimly loads three chambers out of six before spinning the cylinder several times, Trump supporters are still able, somehow, to look at themselves in the mirror and publish things like this.
The Democratic party still has a long way to go to lose the election, despite its track record of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. The youth, civil justice, women's rights, anti-Russia, anti-Fascist, and sane vote appear to have united in a way that was absent in the 2016 election. In response, Hillary Clinton has injured herself rolling her eyes right out of their sockets.

99% OF AMERICAN PUBLIC NOW CONSTITUTIONAL SCHOLARS

(United States of America) With the historic impeachment of the forty-fifth President of the United States of America, 323 million Americans have come forward as constitutional scholars. The sudden emergence of this expertise saturation has driven down the wages of advanced degree holders across the country. Despite an inability to produce certificates or degrees of any sort, many of the emergent bastions of knowledge are able to point out key bits of content specific knowledge, such as, "Impeachment is just the trial. It doesn't mean that Trump is out of office until he's convicted," and, "The Senate holds the impeachment proceedings. They're acting as the jury."
Uncertain of how to handle this sudden manifestation of knowledge, many Americans are in shock.
"I thought Uncle Jimmy only knew about NASCAR and the inventory of Bass Pro Shops," commented Rachel Accanti of Golden Plains, NY. "Turns out, he knows all about the United States Constitution!"
Families across the country are experiencing a similar phenomenon.
"The Constitution isn't clear on what an impeachable offense actually is. High crimes and misdemeanors could mean a lot of different things," said Jerry Franklin of Lubbock, TX. "But, it isn't clear from the transcript that President Trump did any of those things? I mean, what constitutes a 'High Crime'? Read the transcript people. You need to read the transcript."
"This really is quite unusual," said Franklin Cummings, the Chair of Constitutional Studies at Doyle State University. "It may have to do with the university industrial complex, grade inflation, or the lack of manufacturing jobs driving the unprepared into higher ed. We've just never seen this number of people who have advanced degrees in this field - or any other field - while simultaneously being unable to answer the most rudimentary questions." After clearing his throat, Dr. Cummings added, "It's quite possible that they attended Trump University."

2020 OR 2021 EXPECTED TO BE WARMEST YEAR YET!

(Worldwide) With climatologists ranking 2019 as the second or third warmest year since record keeping of this kind began, the expectations for average temperature in 2020 are high.
The report has met with an ecstatic response from summer enthusiasts all over the world.
"Eternal summer? What could be better?" asked surf shop owner Hal Fenwick, of Sandhall, SC.
"Warmer weather is, like, more, you know, good for plants and stuff, isn't it?" pointed out Bill Greene, a local GED aspirant and Sandhall's only amateur tour guide.
His opinion has been echoed by those on Capitol Hill. Moreover, it reflects a shift in responses to Climate Change, something vehemently denied by many Republican politicians.
"As we see public perception of the warming phenomenon change, along with some of my colleagues' arrival at a middle school level of scientific literacy, it's going to become important for us as a culture to recontextualize the idea of a warming world," said Rep. Steve White (R - TX). He went into further detail, saying, "Instead of James Inhofe bringing a snowball onto the Senate floor, we're looking more at the silver lining. I mean, who doesn't like summer? When I was a boy, we loved it. Beach trips. Girls in bikinis. No school. I mean, this is a win-win if we play it right."
In response, Rep. Susan Gordon (D - VT) fired back, "Are you kidding me? You know warmer temperatures mean more droughts, more and stronger hurricanes, desertification, destruction at all levels!"
Republicans, however, were too captivated with White's words to issue a response, as they were already in talks to draft an "Endless Summer Bill" that would end public education forever, thereby creating a space for even larger tax cuts, ending politically charged teacher's strikes, and ensuring that future generations would not have access to information or reasoning skills that might lay the blame for catastrophic societal and anthropological shift on the backs of those who not only did nothing to prevent it but actively tried to silence activists in favor of their own interests.

NATION GEARS UP FOR FAVORITE TRADITION: FEELING OFFENDED

(United States of America) As Christians and various secular capitalists across the globe prepare to celebrate Christmas, many Americans - often white, middle and upper class men - are getting ready for their favorite holiday tradition: somehow pretending that the predominant religious trappings of a holiday, which is far from religious at this point in time, are under attack.
Robert Thorpe, a resident of Albemarle, NC had this to say, "It's really nice to see people getting swept up in the spirit of the season. You know, for most of the year, people forget about the true nature of Christianity and its message, but I think you can see the spirit of Matthew 10:34 comes ringing through when I scream 'It's not Happy Holidays; it's Merry Christmas!' at the Hindi [sic] couple - or whatever they are - down the street. The looks on their faces show that I have truly arrived at the holiday spirit, the way it was intended."
"Feeling offended is celebrated in many different ways by many groups of Christians," said Sue Graham, of Lexington, VA. "Whether it's going apoplectic at a paper Starbucks cup, leaving one of the nation's few remaining malls because there's a non-white Santa, or feeling furious with relatives for celebrating in any way other than exactly the way that you prefer, there are many ways to celebrate. I'm not sure what people who are poor or brown do - you know, they're a very musical and exuberant group - but I imagine that they have their own special ways of feeling offended for Christmas."
Since the holiday's adoption by Christians in 336, the persecution of outside groups of people and followers who were not seen as ardent enough has long been a part of Christmas' connection to dominant cultures. Feeling offended finds its roots in the relatively short-lived historical oppression of Christians by other groups (as opposed to Christians oppressing outsiders, each other, the environment, and various other inanimate objects.) Here are some tips to help our readers fully appreciate Feeling Offended this Christmas season:
 - Remember, no one is as Christian as you are.
 - Because no one is as Christian as you are, they are not celebrating in the best possible way.
 - People who are not celebrating in the best possible way leave themselves open to attack in any way that you, the perfect celebrant of Christmas, see fit: is their shade of red or green more of a pink or a teal? Not Christmas. Is their Jesus historically accurate, that is - not white? Not Christmas. Remember, YOU are the arbiter of what is and is not Christmas, so really, picking about what to feel offended is up to you!
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from all of me, here at the Big Tobacco!