WE CRITIQUE ONE MAN'S MENTAL GYMNASTIC SET

(Gilmead, KY)
Guy: Just fifteen minutes ago, we witnessed an amazing display of evasiveness, confirmation bias, fallacious logic, and so much more. It really was a thing of beauty to behold. Isn't that right, Sean?
Sean: I would say that it was unbelievable, but I heard it with my own ears... ...which doesn't mean that it's true, right Guy?
Guy: That seems to be the underpinning of this amazing set that we saw out of the living room of retired chemical disposal engineer, Aaron Forsythe. Why don't you tell us what we saw here?
Sean: Well, that seems to be the order of the day, doesn't it? It started with Mr. Forsythe, technically under a stay-at-home order for the past month, unironically claiming that the government needed to investigate Joe Biden's alleged sexual harassment and assault of Tara Reade in a phone call with his brother-in-law, Alex Smith, a registered Democrat.
Guy: Wow, that's impressive. I am to understand that Forsythe made this look easy?
Sean: Easy doesn't begin to describe it. Forsythe already had an argument ready to go when Smith asked about the more than a dozen sexual assault charges against Donald Trump. He said, and I quote, 'That's just the liberal media drumming up charges against the President.' But, in all honesty, that's a pretty routine claim coming from anyone who supports Donald Trump, isn't it?
Guy: Yes, it is. What really makes this stand out was that Forsythe actually got the information on Biden from CNN. I am assuming that he didn't admit this to Smith?
Sean: Oh, of course not. That would have been terrible form. No, but Smith did come back at him asking if he had ever seen the clip of the President talking about grabbing women "by the p*****s."
Guy: And, what did Forsythe have to say about that? Was he able to keep going?
Sean: This guy is a consummate professional. Just listen to what he said to that, and I quote, 'Listen, I don't really like the guy. He's - pardon my french - but he's an asshole. The thing is, who did you want me to vote for, Hillary? The woman deleted a bunch of e-mails so that the Justice Department couldn't find them.'
Guy: You're right. Consummate professional. That's incredible. From sexual assault to Hillary's e-mails in one breath.
Sean: What you have to understand is that these guys make an entire identity for themselves out of this. They cannot back down. They cannot show signs of weakness. They've gotten their entire sense of masculinity wrapped up in Donald Trump. Can you imagine if they backed off on him? There is a complete rhetorical school in play here. It's air tight. There are retorts to absolutely everything that might be thrown their way. On that note, tell the our audience what happened next.
Guy: As Smith was sighing deeply - a time he later admitted to having thought about hanging up the phone - Forsythe pointed out that the liberal news media was committed to burning Trump in any way that they could. He accused Smith of having, 'TDS.'
Sean: For the folks at home, what is TDS?
Guy: Trump Derangement Syndrome. It allows the accuser to discount everything that the other party has to say because they are afflicted with something beyond their control. It actually takes the onus away from the person defending Trump and places it on the other person - they have to make a case for their own sanity first.
Sean: Amazing. I'm to understand that at that point Smith changed the subject?
Guy: It was a thing of beauty. Forsythe was able to talk about the weather, quarantine, and a mutual friend's cancelled wedding without any sign at all of awkwardness. It was as if he hadn't just claimed that his brother-in-law was incapable of rational thought with regard to the President. Phenomenal.
Sean: Well, that about wraps it up for us today, doesn't it?
Guy: It does, Sean. It does. Until next time, this is the Big Tobacco - remember, even though it feels so wrong, you know it's so right.

OHIO TEACHER'S UNION OPPOSITION SEDATES CHILDREN AFTER FIFTH WEEK OF QUARANTINE

(Cleveland, OH) When a rash of teacher strikes broke out around the United States in 2018 and 2019, Robin DeFosse was quick to condemn their actions. The former Staples manager took to social media, posting, "THEY DON'T EVEN WORK TWELVE MONTHS A YEAR!"
When some of her contacts on Facebook responded with personal stories and anecdotes from their friends about the hardships facing those in education, DeFosse doubled down.
"It's glorified baby-sitting - seriously, I have three kids, I am always working for them - AND I DON'T EVEN GET PAID!"
After several exchanges of this type that resulted in the reciprocal blocking of some college-era acquaintances, DeFosse's position cemented against teacher's unions in general and the Cleveland Teacher's Union in particular. Despite not having brought it up again, DeFosse assumed a default position in opposition to teacher's unions in discussions and limited political action.
After Gov. DeWine announced the closing of all of the states' schools on March 12th, DeFosse accepted the news over a glass of chardonnay at her dinner table.
"I mean, of course, they're closing the schools. Those people aren't essential employees. They don't do anything! I mean, my 9th grader didn't even know what year Columbus discovered America. Can you imagine? We'd have been laughed out of history class!"
In the first weeks of the schools closing, DeFosse attempted to make certain that her children, Maddox, 13, Emma, 12, and Aiden, 10, were logging into their online classes, getting some exercise in the backyard, and were generally well-fed. "See!? There's nothing to it," she posted on March 25th, along with some pictures of her children, looking productive.
However, in the coming days, she found out that Emma was using the time to record TikTok videos behind closed doors, and Maddox hadn't checked in on his online history class in nearly two weeks. The thirteen year-old had, instead, been playing Grand Theft Auto, and pausing the game to affect studying when he heard his mother's footsteps on the stairs. The youngest child made no pretense at attempting to do school work and, instead, used the days to question every action his mother took during the day.
"The kid asked me everything. He asked me why we had twelve months in the calendar, not ten. He asked me if the color I see as blue is the same color he sees as blue. He asked me if I'd ever been to California. Then, before I could answer, he asked me why I hadn't taken him to California ever. He asked why he couldn't have wine - you know I like to have a glass or two in the afternoon - that's when I had an idea," confessed DeFosse to a close friend. "I remembered those pills that Mark had from when he hurt his back."
Though she didn't act immediately on the thought, the events over the course of the next several weeks drove DeFosse to desperate action. "Emma had just bitten Maddox over some bullshit about having taken too long in the shower again, and I just thought, 'I need these kids to shut the fuck up. Just shut the fuck up for like ten minutes. I can't believe it - they're my kids, and I..." The 41 year-old paused to take another pull at her chardonnay and said, "I hate the little fuckers. I hate them. I do."
After another bottle and a good cry, DeFosse made an action plan. After putting a few doses of Lortab into her the sugary breakfast cereal that her children eat, she gathered the children around the television, putting on the afternoon news that she'd been unable to watch, uninterrupted, recently. With a few protestations, the children eventually succumbed to the medication and slept through most of the afternoon.
"It was bliss. It was easy. And, I got to catch up on my friend Chelsea's Instagram. You know what? Dealing with these kids isn't hard at all. You just need to be inventive."

FACEBOOK OWNING OF TOTAL LIBTARD ENSURES TRUMP'S RE-ELECTION

(Gordonsville, MI) - After what many would call a disastrous first term, Donald Trump is now celebrating a sixty-five point lead over his probable Democratic opponent, Joe Biden, thanks to a local man's successful internet argument with his brother-in-law's colleague on Facebook. Harold Robertson, a real estate marketing consultant, based outside of Franklin, Michigan, was able to point out that Donald Trump had never actually called the COVID-19 virus a hoax, blowing his liberal counterpart's mind.

"Those people will just believe anything the media tells them," he said. "Now, keep in mind, I'm not what you would call a 'typical Trump supporter.' I didn't really want to vote for him, but, I mean, Shillary - she was just a flat out lying criminal. I know you've heard of her e-mails and Benghazi and stuff. But, yeah, the media isn't giving Trump a fair shake. They're all just trying to make him look bad because they are on Soros' payroll."

Astounded by Robertson's erudite and well-researched claims, Stephen Drake, a welder, living in Fittsport, Rhode Island, could only say, "I just can't with these people anymore. We're living in a lock-down. I've got better things to do than engage people like that online. What am I going to say to him that's going to change his mind? What's the point?"

"So, after I pointed out that he so clearly had Trump Derangement Syndrome - which is super real. I can show you so many legit reports on it - he made some comment about Trump being an old, rich white guy. It's... it's freaking racist is what it is. Now, I've heard all that malarkey about how you can't be racist against white people, but that's not what the dictionary says. The freaking dictionary. Are you going to tell me that's wrong? You just can't talk to people like that. They assume that simply because you're white, you've been handed everything. I grew up in a trailer. A TRAILER. I'm not going to let some libtard sit there and tell me that I have white privilege. These people, they don't know what kind of a struggle you go through, and they just judge you for it. That's why you just, you just can't listen to anything that they say. It's sad, really."

Donald Trump has apparently said that he was "considering giving the Presidential Medal of Freedom to Robertson" for his defense of liberty and justice in this case. "Great guy, really. Great guy. I even heard that part of my surge in the polls was linked to his - you know - they said that I said that there were fine people on both sides of the Charlottesville protest, I was talking about the people defending the Robert E Lee statue, not the racists. I mean, it's just crazy how - it's insane when - you know, the news media twists things. They twist them like crazy. People are prejudiced in their own ways - everyone is prejudiced. They just buy it. Me? Defending racists? You know, I've been to Africa. I've been there. I've signed deals with those people. Many of them are really poor. So poor. You can't even imagine it."

When asked about Robertson again, Trump said, "Yeah, maybe a cabinet position or something like that. You think? I don't know."