SIMPLY SOUTHERN LAUNCHES NEW "NOT HATE; HERITAGE" LINE

Greensboro, NC - The manufacturer Simply Southern is launching a new product line this week. While many Southerners are hailing the company's re-branding as artistic and fearless, not everyone is in agreement.
"My husband and I had always thought that the use of the 'S.S.' logo was an unfortunate - and I'm just going to say it - stupid coincidence, but this is just unbelievable," said Rebecca Horowitz, a local attorney.
Horowitz is referencing the company's use of Armanen Runes to replace the capital 'S's as the first letter of each word. This is the same design that was used by the Schutzstaffel, also known as the SS, in Nazi Germany. As part of the re-branding, the Simply Southern has launched an advertising campaign that remembers the south's heritage, which - they argue - is not to be mistaken for hate. Erwin Fuchs, a spokesperson for the company, released this statement:

"We have every right to use this logo as legitimate members of the capitalist democracy, the United States. Our company is dedicated to remembering the distinctive heritage of our native born brothers and sisters. We will not allow others to cloud our history with lies, try to cause us to feel shame for who we are, or infiltrate our ranks with their apologist absurdity that denigrates our birthright!"

The statement was echoed by local supporters of the manufacturer.

"It never was about hate! States rights! Heritage!"
"Southern by the grace of god, y'all!"
"Ain't nothin' wrong with bein' white! Got nothin' to hide!"
"Trump 2020! Make America Great Again!"
"Affirmative action means there ain't no such thing as white privilege!"

The speakers declined to be identified by name.

NEW NORTH CAROLINA DISTRICT LINES INCLUDE RELOCATION PLANS AND EMPLOYMENT

Raleigh, NC - This past May, the Supreme Court found that some of North Carolina's districts had been flagrantly gerrymandered along racial lines.

"There is strong evidence that race was the only nonnegotiable criterion and that traditional redistricting principles were subordinated to race," 4th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals Judge Roger Gregory wrote for the court. "In fact, the overwhelming evidence in this case shows that a (black voting-age population) percentage floor, or a racial quota, was established in both CD 1 and CD 12. And, that floor could not be compromised."

Because of this, North Carolina legislators have come back to the issue with a new plan to redraw district lines. As a bold part of this new initiative, the legislature, which is currently held by Republicans, plans to enforce mandatory relocation to "make the transition more seamless and more equitable," stated Walsh Mackee, a representative for the GOP in North Carolina. Included within this plan is a new labor department measure to cut down on unemployment.
"I know a lot of the democrats will be worried about the jobs that they currently have in the places where they currently live. That's fine. We are providing new jobs in the newly drawn democrat districts," Mackee claims. He continued by saying, "There isn't enough raw resource harvesting and textile manufacture in the United States anymore. We plan to fix that right here in North Carolina. The new democrat districts will be absolutely loaded with opportunity for the hand picking of cotton. They'll get to be outside all day. They'll be with other democrats - you know that will make them happy. And, we've erected electrified fences to make sure that they're kept safe."
When asked how GOP leaders plan to identify democrats for relocation, Mackee replied, "I'm not at liberty to say. Just trust us, we've got the interests of the American people at heart."
One of his aides was reportedly caught on a hot mic shortly afterwards, saying, "We have enough brown bags to go around."