DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES CANNOT AGREE ON HOW TO LOSE THE ELECTION

(Iowa) As the Iowa caucus approaches, a new problem confronts Democratic Presidential hopefuls: how will they lose the election for their party? Candidates are competing for the party's nod to leave the nation flabbergasted with a Trump 2020 victory. Current President Trump has been impeached, had dozens of scandals - both personal and professional, and appears to be unable to construct a comprehensible sentence. With polls showing that President Trump's approval rating is historically low and much of the country supporting an impeachment conviction, a 2020 victory would seem inevitable for the Democrats.
"I have a plan for that!" said Elizabeth Warren.
"This could be your only chance to lose on a gay, veteran mayor," cut in Pete Buttigieg.
"I have been on the losing side - the only right side, the opposite side as the 1% - since before any of you were born!" bellowed Bernie Sanders.
"Don't you remember how great it was to lose with Barack Obama in office? Well, your Uncle Joe is here to bring those days back!" commented the only person who would say something like that.
"Under my administration, everyone would be guaranteed to lose - that kind of loss always spurs economic growth and intellectual productivity," said Andrew Yang.
Amy Klobuchar was not popular enough to be reached for a statement.
As the sane population of the planet Earth collectively cries into various bottles of booze, screams into the void, or silently and grimly loads three chambers out of six before spinning the cylinder several times, Trump supporters are still able, somehow, to look at themselves in the mirror and publish things like this.
The Democratic party still has a long way to go to lose the election, despite its track record of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. The youth, civil justice, women's rights, anti-Russia, anti-Fascist, and sane vote appear to have united in a way that was absent in the 2016 election. In response, Hillary Clinton has injured herself rolling her eyes right out of their sockets.

99% OF AMERICAN PUBLIC NOW CONSTITUTIONAL SCHOLARS

(United States of America) With the historic impeachment of the forty-fifth President of the United States of America, 323 million Americans have come forward as constitutional scholars. The sudden emergence of this expertise saturation has driven down the wages of advanced degree holders across the country. Despite an inability to produce certificates or degrees of any sort, many of the emergent bastions of knowledge are able to point out key bits of content specific knowledge, such as, "Impeachment is just the trial. It doesn't mean that Trump is out of office until he's convicted," and, "The Senate holds the impeachment proceedings. They're acting as the jury."
Uncertain of how to handle this sudden manifestation of knowledge, many Americans are in shock.
"I thought Uncle Jimmy only knew about NASCAR and the inventory of Bass Pro Shops," commented Rachel Accanti of Golden Plains, NY. "Turns out, he knows all about the United States Constitution!"
Families across the country are experiencing a similar phenomenon.
"The Constitution isn't clear on what an impeachable offense actually is. High crimes and misdemeanors could mean a lot of different things," said Jerry Franklin of Lubbock, TX. "But, it isn't clear from the transcript that President Trump did any of those things? I mean, what constitutes a 'High Crime'? Read the transcript people. You need to read the transcript."
"This really is quite unusual," said Franklin Cummings, the Chair of Constitutional Studies at Doyle State University. "It may have to do with the university industrial complex, grade inflation, or the lack of manufacturing jobs driving the unprepared into higher ed. We've just never seen this number of people who have advanced degrees in this field - or any other field - while simultaneously being unable to answer the most rudimentary questions." After clearing his throat, Dr. Cummings added, "It's quite possible that they attended Trump University."

2020 OR 2021 EXPECTED TO BE WARMEST YEAR YET!

(Worldwide) With climatologists ranking 2019 as the second or third warmest year since record keeping of this kind began, the expectations for average temperature in 2020 are high.
The report has met with an ecstatic response from summer enthusiasts all over the world.
"Eternal summer? What could be better?" asked surf shop owner Hal Fenwick, of Sandhall, SC.
"Warmer weather is, like, more, you know, good for plants and stuff, isn't it?" pointed out Bill Greene, a local GED aspirant and Sandhall's only amateur tour guide.
His opinion has been echoed by those on Capitol Hill. Moreover, it reflects a shift in responses to Climate Change, something vehemently denied by many Republican politicians.
"As we see public perception of the warming phenomenon change, along with some of my colleagues' arrival at a middle school level of scientific literacy, it's going to become important for us as a culture to recontextualize the idea of a warming world," said Rep. Steve White (R - TX). He went into further detail, saying, "Instead of James Inhofe bringing a snowball onto the Senate floor, we're looking more at the silver lining. I mean, who doesn't like summer? When I was a boy, we loved it. Beach trips. Girls in bikinis. No school. I mean, this is a win-win if we play it right."
In response, Rep. Susan Gordon (D - VT) fired back, "Are you kidding me? You know warmer temperatures mean more droughts, more and stronger hurricanes, desertification, destruction at all levels!"
Republicans, however, were too captivated with White's words to issue a response, as they were already in talks to draft an "Endless Summer Bill" that would end public education forever, thereby creating a space for even larger tax cuts, ending politically charged teacher's strikes, and ensuring that future generations would not have access to information or reasoning skills that might lay the blame for catastrophic societal and anthropological shift on the backs of those who not only did nothing to prevent it but actively tried to silence activists in favor of their own interests.

NATION GEARS UP FOR FAVORITE TRADITION: FEELING OFFENDED

(United States of America) As Christians and various secular capitalists across the globe prepare to celebrate Christmas, many Americans - often white, middle and upper class men - are getting ready for their favorite holiday tradition: somehow pretending that the predominant religious trappings of a holiday, which is far from religious at this point in time, are under attack.
Robert Thorpe, a resident of Albemarle, NC had this to say, "It's really nice to see people getting swept up in the spirit of the season. You know, for most of the year, people forget about the true nature of Christianity and its message, but I think you can see the spirit of Matthew 10:34 comes ringing through when I scream 'It's not Happy Holidays; it's Merry Christmas!' at the Hindi [sic] couple - or whatever they are - down the street. The looks on their faces show that I have truly arrived at the holiday spirit, the way it was intended."
"Feeling offended is celebrated in many different ways by many groups of Christians," said Sue Graham, of Lexington, VA. "Whether it's going apoplectic at a paper Starbucks cup, leaving one of the nation's few remaining malls because there's a non-white Santa, or feeling furious with relatives for celebrating in any way other than exactly the way that you prefer, there are many ways to celebrate. I'm not sure what people who are poor or brown do - you know, they're a very musical and exuberant group - but I imagine that they have their own special ways of feeling offended for Christmas."
Since the holiday's adoption by Christians in 336, the persecution of outside groups of people and followers who were not seen as ardent enough has long been a part of Christmas' connection to dominant cultures. Feeling offended finds its roots in the relatively short-lived historical oppression of Christians by other groups (as opposed to Christians oppressing outsiders, each other, the environment, and various other inanimate objects.) Here are some tips to help our readers fully appreciate Feeling Offended this Christmas season:
 - Remember, no one is as Christian as you are.
 - Because no one is as Christian as you are, they are not celebrating in the best possible way.
 - People who are not celebrating in the best possible way leave themselves open to attack in any way that you, the perfect celebrant of Christmas, see fit: is their shade of red or green more of a pink or a teal? Not Christmas. Is their Jesus historically accurate, that is - not white? Not Christmas. Remember, YOU are the arbiter of what is and is not Christmas, so really, picking about what to feel offended is up to you!
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from all of me, here at the Big Tobacco!

DONALD TRUMP AND R. KELLY REPORTEDLY WORKING ON COLLABORATIVE PROJECT

(Chicago) Having come under fire after a heated CBS interview with Gayle King and the scathing documentary, "Surviving R. Kelly," the singer/songwriter is reportedly responding by marshaling star power from those who are sympathetic to his situation.
"The President knows just what it is to go through something like this," said Kelly in a press conference last Wednesday. "They won't stop coming after him for the things that he did, just because he's rich and powerful. People don't like to see your success, so they try to drag you down to their level. They'll use every trick in the book to make you pay for your crimes."
President Donald Trump is currently subject to an impeachment inquiry with the House of Representatives investigating his administration's dealings with the Ukraine. He has repeatedly called the inquiry a "witch hunt."
"Trump's got a hurt soul," Kelly went on to say. "His contribution to the music of my upcoming album, 'Pee Tapes Don't Mean Nothin'' is spiritual and important. You can hear the pain in his voice when he tries to say sentences. So much of the time, he can't even finish what he's saying because he just feels so under attack for all those things that he did."
The President, when asked about the upcoming collaborative project at a Rose Garden press conference, commented, "No collusion. People don't want to see- They really care- finding the e-mails is- listen people, there was absolutely not a quid pro climate change. All of the best people have said that my friends are- who, you know, R. Kelly - it's very sad. I love the gay blacksicans. Hillary's e-mails are out there in Russia and Bengazi. Everyone knows about it."
Yesterday, a preview track was released with an edited version of the comment cut with sound effects and Kelly providing backup singing. The track was reviled by representatives from the political left and right. Music aficionados, however, cannot stop praising it as "a revelation," "an entirely new genre of music," and saying "you know how powerful music has to be to make you feel like you've been peed on... and are okay enough with it to keep listening? It's that."
An administration official who refused to speak under oath or be identified in any way has rumored that Russian President Vladimir Putin has had a large amount of input on the project and has even had creative control over its release.

SECESSIONIST MOVEMENTS STRONGEST IN PLACES WHERE NO ONE WANTS TO GO

(New Jersey) From the President's comments last March to this poll that was taken last year, the USA's division has reached levels that many would say are unsustainable. Leading the charge is a group of people who live in some of the nation's most notorious dumps. Militias across the country are threatening to secede and to take the land that no one wants with them.
"These colors don't run!" growled fifty-six year-old Ben Ferris of Walling's Grove, NJ, brandishing a Bushmaster assault rifle in one hand and an insulin pump for his type 2 diabetes in the other. "Don't tread on me!"
When asked, specifically, what issues Mr. Ferris considered worthy of leading a secessionist movement, his reply was as follows:
"The 'demon-crats' think that they can take our guns away and bully our President. But, they never paid attention to the fact that the Pledge of Allegiance says, "...to the Republic for which it stands." If you're not voting Republican, you're going against the soul of our nation. Well, if that's what they're going to try to do, we'll just break away and form our own state."
Oddly enough, there was no response to his secessionist threats. In response, Dr. Alma Ramirez of the Political Science Department at the University of Pennsylvania had this to say, "Mr. Ferris' town of Walling's Grove has an unemployment rate of 73%, a median housing price of $23,000, and 'super fund' sites occupying 40% of the town's total area. It would appear that the country... doesn't... give a shit?"
Similar situations have cropped up around the nation. Hole, Florida; McKenzie, Georgia; Gerryhill, Alabama, and several other small, rural communities across the United States have put forward secessionist calls, as well. They have received no response from local, state, or national government. Federal representatives, when asked to comment, were unable to release official comment because they "could not believe it."
In response to the government's lack of comment, Ferris replied, "Hell yeah! These colors don't run! Blue lives matter! Oh-rah! Support the troops! Build the Wall! Lock 'er up! MAGA!"

REPUBLICAN TIME TRAVELER FROM THE FUTURE WARNS AMERICA OF COMING EQUALITY

Robert Hickenthorpe claims to have traveled back in time to stop the coming utopia.
(Washington, D.C.) The capital of the United States plays host to many visitors every day. Yesterday, however, a traveler arrived, claiming to have come from a "when" rather than a "where."
Robert Hickenthorpe insisted that he was born in 2024 in a state-funded hospital in Milwaukee. After enjoying free healthcare, bonding with his mother over the next nine weeks of her paid maternity leave, and then going to a federally sponsored daycare, Hickenthorpe claims that he went to an excellent public school and graduated from a college with no student loan debt.
"It's awful in the future," he claims. "You wouldn't believe it. We can't look down on anyone, call anyone slurs, or do anything without being judged! It's crazy! There are no more billionaires, and everything runs on renewable energy - guess where they got the incentives to do that? I'll give you a hint, it rhymes with 'toverment gaxes'!"
After drawing a crowd at the Lincoln Memorial, Hickenthorpe went on to describe the horrors of being a white male in the year 2060.
"It's like I can't look down on anyone for having been born a certain way or anything. If I do, I get called all sorts of names, like 'homophobe' and 'racist' and 'Trumpspawn'. You tell me if that sounds like a free country to you - getting judged for saying stuff. It's totally unfair."
Attracted by what they apparently thought was a satirical actor, the crowd egged Hickenthorpe on, saying, "What about the Wall?"
Confused, Hickenthorpe couldn't understand the crowd's request, stating that no border wall had ever been completed, and the sections in existence were torn down with very little trouble at all.
"What's wrong with you people!?" Hickenthorpe asked the crowd. "It's like you want a place where everyone's safe and no one carries guns anymore. What kind of pansies are you?"
Applause and boisterous laughter shook Hickenthorpe further, but he went on to say, "If you think that this is all well and good, just wait until you can't pay for a better education than your neighbor because the schools are all well funded and all public. Can you imagine that kind of stupidity? It's like people think that they've got some kind of entitlement to equal rights! Tell me, where is that written?"
After having it pointed out to him that those words are on the founding document of the United States and that any decently educated person would know this, Hickenthorpe admitted to really not having been from the future, but actually is from Yazoo City, Mississippi and where he was born in 1970, is registered as a Republican, and runs a Pro Donald Trump blog.

TRUMP MASS SIMULATION ENDS

(Former United States of America, Wasteland) Millions of people who had, until just recently, believed themselves to be citizens of the United States of America were awakened from unsettling dreams of a country on the verge of descending into a dystopic nightmare. Conducted by desperate scientists in the year 2342, the test was intended to see what might be done to prevent a domino effect of political, military, and ecological disasters that brought the human race - as well as most multi-cellular life on earth - to the edge of extinction.
"Well," cried lead scientist Siddhartha Abraxas, "We... you see... we thought that if we pushed hard enough on the psyche of the remaining people, we could get them to understand their own personal responsibility - the need for them to act, or else really horrific things can happen. The actual 45th President of the United States was not a good man. He was not a good man at all, but we thought that maybe if we pushed the envelope early, really made people uncomfortable, they'd have rebelled, stopped the future that we live in now - in the simulation at least. It made sense to us that humanity would have its limits, as far as what it would allow in a more enlightened age. These would be people who remembered the moon landing for crying out loud."
Abraxas began weeping uncontrollably at that point and muttering, "We're all doomed... so very, very doomed."
The world of 2342 is an infertile, toxic wasteland, shrouded by sudden and violent electrical storms. Humanity has survived by farming particularly hardy strains of algae and by making peace with a life that will assuredly not be comfortable by the standards that it once held. The Dream Project, designed by the top remaining minds in computer science and anthropology, maintained that if humanity could see more apparently the disaster approaching, the populace would band together and take steps against it.
"We created Trump as an anathema. Yes, the real President Volde - He Who Shall Not Be Named - was a bad man, he made very poor decisions, but with Trump we actually felt that we were stretching credulity," commented Aurora White, head sociologist with the Dream Project. "We actually worried about the ability of the human mind to accept what was happening to it. But then, something amazing happened..." White trailed off and was unable to continue with her comment for some time. Later, a more composed Dr. White continued, "People... they actually started voting for him. Not only were they unable to tell the difference between good and bad decisions. They lost the ability to tell the difference between good and bad at all. What we learned from this experiment... oh my god... what we learned, is that at the level of comfortable apathy in which the majority of the US populace found themselves made it impossible for them to come together intellectually and stop any kind of a threat - no matter how obvious it was. As long as they had smartphones, they felt free to bash each other, blame everything else, and ignore the plight of the immediate future, as long as it was still in the future. Even when it seemed common knowledge that the system was broken, people still couldn't figure out what to do about it. They were more interested in taking potshots at each other."
They decided to end the simulation when they found that the supporters of this nexus of abhorrent characteristics would support him even when he trampled the abstractions that they held most dear.
Upon the conclusion of the project, nearly all of the researchers involved have either died by their own hands or are in a semiconscious state of rocking back and forth, mumbling things akin to, "We are a cancer on this earth," "The disaster will always happen; what point is there in rebuilding?" and "There's just no bottom to this. No bottom at all."



Former US citizens

DEMOCRATS IN NC LEGISLATURE CONVENE BUDGET VOTE DURING COLUMBUS DAY CELEBRATIONS

This picture (above) is awful in many ways.

(Raleigh, NC) In what critics are calling vengeful political gamesmanship, the Democratic members of North Carolina's legislative bodies held a budget vote while their Republican colleagues attended Columbus Day celebrations. This comes just weeks after House Republicans used similar tactics to pass budget measures during 9/11 Remembrance Ceremonies.
"It's just awful!" commented Franklin Hogarth, a Republican from Bunn, NC. "These people have no decency. Today is supposed to be about a plucky white European ignoring the humanity of an entire continent of people. If you can't celebrate that without worrying that someone's going to take advantage of you, well, I mean, what kind of world do we live in?"
Another House Republican, Rod Statler of Barncomb, NC had similar things to say, "If the Democrats want political gamesmanship, we'll give them political gamesmanship. We'll gerrymander the district lines so badly it'll look like someone put the congressional district map in a blender. We'll falsify ballots. We'll pass voter ID laws. We'll take away early voting."
Representative Statler then got back into his time machine and went back to before those things had already happened.
Democrats were more measured with their explanations of what had happened. Responding to the Republican reaction, Gennifer Vorhees of Crispin, NC said, "Look, we didn't actually plan any of this. We just couldn't believe that anyone would actually go to a Columbus Day event. I mean, yeah, they used to teach about him when I was in school, but in 2019!? Come on. The fact that not just one, but a majority of House Republicans were at these events - no one could have predicted that. In any sane world, showing up at an event that commemorated a mass murderer would be political suicide. Why would we plan on them doing that!?"
Mrs. Vorhees could not respond to further questions, as she was driving her son to a private Christian school event where he played Noah in a theatre production.

CONFEDERATE STATUE ENTHUSIASTS ASK FOR MORE CIVILITY FROM PROTESTORS

(Wilmington, NC) After the removal of University of North Carolina's "Silent Sam" statue in 2018, clashes over the state's memorials to soldiers of the Confederacy have increased in ferocity. Opponents of the statues claim that they publicly endorse a regime that allowed the enslavement, rape, and murder of millions of Africans. Proponents of the statues claim that they are part of the state's history and heritage, wondering why their counterparts have to be so impolite.
"It really is just rude to try to destroy the history of a state that allowed you to own people," claimed Randall Fordham, a local bank teller and Civil War reenactor. He spoke at a recent rally at the site that had previously been home to the controversial statue. "One of 'em called me a bigot. That hurts. I can't believe he would say that about me, someone he doesn't know."
Despite warnings and protestations from those around him, Fordham continued, saying, "It's sad, but it's not surprising. You know, blacks just don't value civility or education the way that white people do."
This comment elicited booing and a variety of expletives from protesters, passersby, and anyone who has a basic understanding of the ramifications of what he was saying. Gesticulating wildly, Fordham appeared to indicate that he did not understand how his comments could be construed as racist.
"It's just like they keep saying about President Trump. But the thing no one seems to be able to answer is, 'how can he be racist if he once shook a black man's hand?' He's not racist. He knows Don King!"
After yet another round of booing, Fordham shook his head and sighed, "It's like these people don't understand that Donald Trump won the Presidential Election. Can't they just let it go that they lost?"

MINOR LEAGUE BASEBALL TEAMS RUNNING OUT OF LOATHSOME MASCOTS

(Above: Savannah Sand Gnats Logo)
(The United States of America) While controversy surrounding team mascots is by no means new to truly professional sports, MiLB has reached some new ground all on its own: a shortage of contemptuous mascots. Teams like the Savannah Sand Gnats, the New Orleans Baby Cakes, and the Topeka Train Robbers stretch the imagination when it comes to what exactly a mascot should be. Should they be respectable, threatening, or simply surprising?
Floyd Schultz, a representative for the South Appalachian League, had this to say:
"Look, we aren't the big leagues, right? You come to our games because you want to have some beers, see the boys, and probably gawk at some of your teenage daughter's friends without coming off like a total creeper. We know what we are. What a lot of you probably don't know is how many team names end up on the cutting room floor."
Schultz's job as a representative is only part time, paying him roughly fifteen packs of peanuts every other week, depending on game attendance.
"We had the Reidsville (NC) Nazis - that one was too popular, but, you know, we meant it ironically. We had to shut that down for safety reasons. Then, there was the Groatsville (GA) Ebola Virii, but people didn't get the whole Latin plural thing, I think. No one really cheers for these teams, not like they do the Chicago Blackhawks, the Kansas City Chiefs, the Cleveland Indians, the Atlanta Braves, or the Philadelphia Phillies. The team names are meant to get people to buy the merch(andise) ironically. You know, the Flocksville (FL) Paramecia were a big hit with the hipster kids. I heard that the Southeastern Swamp League had most of their orders from Brooklyn."
As Schultz pointed out though, the leagues are running into trouble in flirting with bad taste but not actually opening themselves up to legal action.
"I mean, for godsakes, who are we trying to push out there, the Redskins?"

NORTH DAKOTA "CONCEPT" BILL PROTECTS HYPOTHETICAL LIFE

Bismark, ND - As part of the wave of new abortion legislation sweeping the United States, lawmakers in North Dakota have introduced a bill that would protect theoretical zygotes, suggesting that life begins earlier than conception.
"You have to understand that God has a plan," says Graham Smith (R-ND), "If we accept that then we accept that the minute a person thinks about the possibility of a baby, that baby is alive - God... God put that idea of a baby into that person's head. He controls all things. They are all part of His plan."
Introduced by Jim Ricci (R-ND), the legislation would protect theoretical zygotes by the outright banning of all prophylaxes, the decriminalization of consensual rape, and a measure that strips women of all rights that could potentially interfere with their becoming pregnant at the behest of any man, ever.
"We need to get right to the heart of the matter," Ricci said in an interview, "The pro-choice movement is about murder - whether that is the murder of a zygote, a fetus, a baby, or a concept of a baby. Do you think it's any accident that the first part of the word 'conception' is 'concept'? God has a plan, and who are to try to thwart that? Pro-choice implies that they think that they can choose better than God. You know who else thought that? Lucifer. Lucifer thought that."
When asked if the bill would have any provisions for rape or incest, Ricci replied, "Those are ugly words that are meant to detract from the beauty that is God's plan. All things are beautiful. All things are real. Anything evil is there as a test. Anything good is there as a blessing. All things are from God."
Officially named HB 132, the "Concept" Bill has drawn ire from Democrats, the pro-choice movement, philosophers, and pretty much anyone who is not completely insane.
"You've gotta be s****ing me," remarked Denise Alderman, one of the state's Democratic congresswomen. "This is real? I thought one of the interns was pulling my leg."
Rep. Alderman declined to comment further as she was getting her passport paperwork together. Her office later released a statement, saying, "I'd advise all US residents to do the same. Get ahead of the refugee rush. Get out now."

UNITED STATES INTENSIFIES POLICIFICATION OF MILITARY

(Totally Not a Shithole Country) - As the socioeconomic geography of the United States continues to diversify, with GDP rising and salaries "stagnating," those citizens who most resemble the framers of the US Constitution have taken measures to ensure that the power remains in the hands of its traditional wardens. The constabulary's job has gotten more and more difficult as (incredibly large) portions of the population have not found their way into (generationally entrenched) wealth. Heavily armed public justice coordinators have, however, found the resources and methods (both lethal and probably in violation of future laws, thank god for Article 1, Section 9, Clause 3) to keep the peace (in affluent communities - outside of public schools).
While law enforcement is trained in certain Rules of Engagement (such as emptying entire clips, aiming for center of mass, and to be constantly in fear of everyone on one's beat), the US military is lagging sorely behind. For instance, there are explicit orders against escalation with local population.
"Imagine trying to do your job with a hand tied behind your back," says Sgt. Ford of the St. Louis Police Department. "These poor soldiers have M4s, but they aren't allowed to use them. Seems to me that they've got a lot a lot of Rules and no Engagement. Imagine if we had had to stick to stuff like that during World War II? No bombing of civilian populations? My grandfather was on that famous Dresden mission, and let me tell you, from what he told me, that was some fire of god."
The current Chief of the Army Staff, Gen. Mark A Milley, was asked for comment on this and responded only with, "The Big Tobacco? What the hell kind of Mickey Mouse garbage is that? Policification of the Military? Son, 'policification' isn't even a word."
One thing remains clear: as US GDP rises and the country manufactures less and less, driving its citizens to more and more desperate lengths, the military will look like a better and better option for many socioeconomically less-advantaged. It is the hope of this columnist, who in no way needs to be given a summary trial and execution, that our brave men, women, and children in uniform can learn from the tactics of our current police force: it's us against them; use the explosives and rifles that Jesus gave you to bring the locals to god so that he may sort them out.