Robert Hickenthorpe claims to have traveled back in time to stop the coming utopia.
(Washington, D.C.) The capital of the United States plays host to many visitors every day. Yesterday, however, a traveler arrived, claiming to have come from a "when" rather than a "where."
Robert Hickenthorpe insisted that he was born in 2024 in a state-funded hospital in Milwaukee. After enjoying free healthcare, bonding with his mother over the next nine weeks of her paid maternity leave, and then going to a federally sponsored daycare, Hickenthorpe claims that he went to an excellent public school and graduated from a college with no student loan debt.
"It's awful in the future," he claims. "You wouldn't believe it. We can't look down on anyone, call anyone slurs, or do anything without being judged! It's crazy! There are no more billionaires, and everything runs on renewable energy - guess where they got the incentives to do that? I'll give you a hint, it rhymes with 'toverment gaxes'!"
After drawing a crowd at the Lincoln Memorial, Hickenthorpe went on to describe the horrors of being a white male in the year 2060.
"It's like I can't look down on anyone for having been born a certain way or anything. If I do, I get called all sorts of names, like 'homophobe' and 'racist' and 'Trumpspawn'. You tell me if that sounds like a free country to you - getting judged for saying stuff. It's totally unfair."
Attracted by what they apparently thought was a satirical actor, the crowd egged Hickenthorpe on, saying, "What about the Wall?"
Confused, Hickenthorpe couldn't understand the crowd's request, stating that no border wall had ever been completed, and the sections in existence were torn down with very little trouble at all.
"What's wrong with you people!?" Hickenthorpe asked the crowd. "It's like you want a place where everyone's safe and no one carries guns anymore. What kind of pansies are you?"
Applause and boisterous laughter shook Hickenthorpe further, but he went on to say, "If you think that this is all well and good, just wait until you can't pay for a better education than your neighbor because the schools are all well funded and all public. Can you imagine that kind of stupidity? It's like people think that they've got some kind of entitlement to equal rights! Tell me, where is that written?"
After having it pointed out to him that those words are on the founding document of the United States and that any decently educated person would know this, Hickenthorpe admitted to really not having been from the future, but actually is from Yazoo City, Mississippi and where he was born in 1970, is registered as a Republican, and runs a Pro Donald Trump blog.
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