THIS IS AN ACTUAL THING, LIKE, SERIOUSLY... IN 2018

URGENT: Help Stop Insidious ‘Opossum Drop’ in Andrews, North Carolina!

Andrews, North Carolina, apparently intends to “celebrate” New Year’s Eve by hosting a sadistic so-called “opossum drop,” during which a wild-caught opossum would be imprisoned inside a Plexiglas box for hours above a rowdy crowd. At midnight—after being forced to endure a near-constant barrage of live music, a noisy marching band leading the animal in, and fireworks displays replete with the usual explosions and smoke—the terrified opossum would be slowly lowered to signify the dawning of the new year. Because this sensitive and elusive prey species naturally avoids human contact at all costs, subjecting one of them to hordes of partiers, chaos, and blaring noise is inhumane and would very likely result in potentially fatal stress-induced conditions. PETA scheduled a meeting with Mayor James Reid in order to describe our concerns and to encourage city officials to “drop” any one of countless nonliving articles that won’t suffer, but he canceled the meeting at the last minute, even declining to discuss the matter by phone—so now it’s your turn!

Please politely urge the following city officials and event sponsors to cancel the cruel event, then spread this alert far and wide. Remember, it’s vital that you keep it polite! Polite comments can be directed to:

The Honorable James Reid
Mayor of Andrews, North Carolina
mayor@andrewsnc.com
https://www.facebook.com/james.reid.735

Mr. Steve Jordan
Alderman and Mayor Pro Tempore
Town of Andrews, North Carolina
s.jordan@andrewsnc.com

Ms. Richelle Phillips
Alderman
Town of Andrews, North Carolina
r.phillips@andrewsnc.com

Mr. Mike Sheidy
Alderman
Town of Andrews, North Carolina
m.sheidy@andrewsnc.com

Mr. Scott Stalcup
Alderman
Town of Andrews, North Carolina
s.stalcup@andrewsnc.com

Ms. Sandra Daley, Chair
Cherokee County Tourism Development Authority (Event Sponsor)
sandra.daley.sd@gmail.com

Mr. Mark Kimball, CEO
Erlanger Murphy Medical Center (Event Sponsor)
Mark.Kimball@erlanger.org

Mr. Joel Storrow
President
McGill Associates (Event Sponsor)
joel.storrow@mcgillengineers.com

*The entirety of this post has been plagiarized from PETA. I don't they'll mind.

NORTH CAROLINA OUTLAWS REFERENCING THAT IT MADE STUDYING SEA LEVEL RISE ILLEGAL

Raleigh, NC - In its on-going war against information, the North Carolina legislature has passed a law criminalizing the act of making reference to its 2012 decision to ban studies of sea-level rise. Many critics of the move have decried it as totalitarian, medieval, and Orwellian.
"I'd say that it was beyond belief," stated an unnamed reporter, "but, you know, I'm not exactly sure what could land me in jail for informing the populace."
"People are scared," said an NC House member, whose name cannot be released. "And, they'd be too terrified to make good electoral choices if they knew the truth about what we've done to this planet and what it's going to mean in the future. I mean, can you imagine if people were thinking about us when they got hit with a category 4? We can't have that; it'd just be too upsetting for the general population. Look at what happened to the tobacco industry in this state when people started getting their hands on information."
After the state was pounded with two hurricanes within months of each other, North Carolina's House of Representatives decided to act before it was too late.
"You know when new 'progressive' house members take over, we can't just let them start spilling the beans on what happens in government. Think about it: Otto von Bismark once said that the public shouldn't see laws or sausages being made. There was a reason for that," claimed another representative whose name has been legally redacted. He went on to claim that, "information is dangerous! Do not forget the lessons of the book of Genesis! When Eve ate from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, it let sin and death into the world! God used a flood to cleanse the land when He saw fit! Can you imagine if there'd been scientists around back then, checking in on things? Why, the Nephilim could have built their own ark! We'd be up over our heads in lusty demi-angels!"
The state is contemplating more resolutions and legislation concerning "unpopular," "dangerous," and "counter-productive" information. While no sources could corroborate any of this, out of state legal scholars have apparently received messages, claiming that NC law-makers are looking at licenses for reading, the outlawing of print media, and taking the school system's last two remaining nickels. Constituents in the state were unable to be reached for comment because the publication of the facts about the facts is within an unknown legal jurisdiction.

CHALLENGE TO ACA BREAKS MILLENNIA OLD CONCEPT OF DHARMA

Texas - Ruling on Texas vs. Azar, Judge Reed O'Connor challenged the Affordable Care Act, colloquially known as "Obamacare". The move was widely applauded by psychopaths, toasting their illiterate colleagues. Meanwhile, philosophers and theologians were awestruck at the cataclysmic demise of a once cherished philosophical and theological idea: dharma.
While itself a religious shibboleth, nearly all religions had a belief akin to dharma. The Abrahamic traditions, for instance, see God as a cosmic leveler who smites the unrighteous and rewards the benevolent. Many faiths will, at this point, find it necessary to rewrite their religious laws.
"The concept of dharma was very important to us," explains Madhava Chaudry a local proponent of the Hindu faith. "The Hindu religion is built upon that very concept - to some it is the religion. We will have to rethink our concept of the universe. I think that it will probably be something familiar to those who have read the work of the late 19th century German philosopher, Nietzsche."
The connection between the ACA and the concept of universal equity is simply that the aggregate amount of pain and suffering caused by the elimination of 24 million Americans' healthcare cannot, in any rational universe, be revisited upon the O'Connor and his ilk. So awesome is the amount of pain that it stands to inflict upon the populace, that reprisals have failed any number of cosmic entities.
"What good is burning these assholes going to do?" asked Satan, the Prince of Darkness and ruler of the Christian concept of Hell. "I mean, by the time I scorched the evil out of them - lifetimes that would take - humanity might not even exist anymore. What's the purpose in that? I tell you, I've dealt with some horrible people. But this is some Hitler level crap."
Adolf Hitler declined to comment, citing moral grounds. Michael Godwin, who is still alive, was never contacted regarding this.
Māra, of some Buddhist traditions, was quoted as saying, "Okay, so, like, I might be the Ender Of That Which Should Not Yet Have Ended, but I'm a force in the universe that sort of helps to balance the good. Malevolent though I may be, there's a limit. There's a freakin' limit!"

Various registered Republican voters were heard to have said, "Well, it may have broken the cosmic sense of justice for all things, I may be denied help when I am dying, and this sort of thing may cause descendants of mine I'll never meet untold suffering - but at least it wasn't concocted by a brown person!"

CLASSIFICATION OF "THE SOUTH" EXPANDS TO ENTIRE NATION, THE BIG TOBACCO WILL EXPAND COVERAGE

The United States of America - From rural Pennsylvania to the woods of Oregon, from the border towns of Texas to the badlands of South Dakota, and from the swamps of Florida to the mansions of Orange County, the entirety of the United States has been reclassified as "the South" by the global community at large.

"We realize that this is a geographic impossibility," says Jakob Almen of the Norwegian think tank, Ny Hjerne. "It even plays into the sort of stereotyping that has so damaged culture in the USA. However, that's what makes it fit so well. More people didn't vote than voted for either candidate in their 2016 election. Their disinterest in their own politics allows us to paint with such a broad brush and for it to be, at least in part, accurate."

With reference to the election of Donald Trump, the country has seen a rise in racial tension, antiquated and often oxymoronic nationalist sentiment, and anti-federalism that many people once almost exclusively associated with the southeastern United States and, in particular, those states that at one time formed the Confederacy. Rallies by groups like Patriot Prayer, which clashed with left wing protesters this past weekend, are being seen all over the United States. Many people have been shocked to find out that the brand of religious nationalism that they so commonly associated with places like Alabama has a home in the secular and progressive north as well.

"You gotta understand," says David Duke, former Louisiana House Representative and former Grand Wizard of the Knights of Ku Klux Klan, "It doesn't matter if you're from Rhode Island or Tennessee; there are things wrong with the way that this country has been run. You got Jews and Blacks running the show and people are really upset about it."

Fox News, which can conceivably reach nearly a third of the country's public with every broadcast, echoed Duke's sentiment while feverishly obfuscating a refusal to disavow his politics.

"Fair and balanced coverage means that we absolutely must convey the truth of his statement to the public, and though we are glad to be informing as many viewers as possible, we must make it clear that his positions do not necessarily reflect exactly what we here at Fox News desire to disengender from the public sphere of intelligently discoursed opinioning sans bias and integrity of salubriousness without respect to its validity, content, belief structure, socioeconomic class, sugar content, etc."

The rest of the world watches in abject horror.

"Was that English? They speak English in the United States, correct?" stammered a Dutch newscaster after reading the statement. "This is the country with all the nuclear weapons, yes?"

Ny Hjerne also disclosed that imitating English spoken with a southern twang will no longer be necessary to imply stupidity on the part of the imitatee.

Expansion of Cultural Tendencies Formerly Believed to Have Been Unique to the Southeastern Region

"There are plenty of idiotic racists in Boston or Philadelphia," continues Almen. "There always have been. What the Trump presidency has shown us is that with the normalization of this lunacy, those people feel empowered to show their true colors when, years ago, that would have been embarrassing - shameful even. Instead of being disowned by their family and friends, they now find that people are too polite. The general public wants to be seen as even-handed, diplomatic. Trust me, if you hear a person start a sentence unironically with the clause, 'I am not racist, but,' you do not need to hear anything beyond that conjunction."
Guy Geaux, the editor of the Big Tobacco, was found in a drunken stupor, surrounded by cats and cigarette butts. When asked for comment, he replied, "Yeah, sure, we'll (hic) do the whole damned thing. (hic) Stupid m****f****rs need us now, right? Amirite?"
When asked for further comment, he passed out in an ashtray.
The implications of defunding federal assistance, increased tensions between culturally and socioeconomically different groups, an ignorance to the ramifications (not to mention the definition) of gerrymandering, widespread apathy, and a general anti-intellectual tide in the United States are far-reaching to be sure. The country has the world's largest military budget, is one of the largest polluters on the planet, and is being led by a man who literally made reference to the size of his penis in a televised political debate.

Charles Manson could not be reached for comment because he is dead.

NC HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES VOTES TO CLOSE SCHOOLS IN FAVOR OF GUN RIGHTS

Raleigh, NC - In response to responses to recent and upcoming school shootings, the North Carolina state House of Representatives has voted to close schools entirely.

"We want our kids to be safe," claimed noted gun fetishist, Richard Hudson. "Safe from the insane ideas of Bolshevik state worshipers who would take our guns away so that they could massacre us later."

Dangerous Terrorists Pose Threat to Gun Ownership

This topic has become particularly heated after the vocal response from survivors of one of the nation's most recent and bloody school shootings. Students from Parkland, Florida have added their voices to the national debate, pointing out that they would prefer not being shot. While this may seem obvious and even very old-hat, the right has, similarly, retreated to its mantra of arguments.

"You can't stop a bad guy with a gun without a good guy with a gun!" exclaimed a gun on the steps of the NC state house, yesterday. When asked to comment beyond its fusillade of, "If the government takes away guns, only criminals will have guns!" "Don't tread on me!" and "Do you wanna ban cars?" A spokesperson for the gun, local militiaman, Don Fuchs (below), pointed out that the Nazis took away the guns of the German populace before massacring them.

"I should know," said Fuchs, "My grandfather was a guard at Bergen-Belsen. He told me all about it."

Conservatives and other, more traditionally masculine men have decried this assault on their rights while stroking long, hard cylindrical firearms and reaffirming their masculinity. However, NC lawmakers have assured their constituents that their guns have nothing to fear.

"We've found the silver bullet to eliminate school violence and all of those left-leaning Stalinist ideas," explained Republican Larry Pittman (R), "All we have to do is just shut down the schools. The added bonuses are all over the place. Think about what we can do with all that funding - no more schools in North Carolina? That's gotta be like, what a couple of thousand dollars at least, right? Less regulation of what kids learn. More family involvement. I mean, this is like, win-win-win-win."

While critics of the idea have claimed that the plan would lead to "an uneducated populace, incapable of making sound decisions or having any kind of a chance in the future," "a state fit to be ruled by an idiot third grader," and "oh my god, you can't even be serious about this, right?" the bill's proponents have suggested that they are all a bunch of whining Nancys.

While the bill must still pass the NC Senate, many legislators are excited at the prospect of having a populace that is even less educated than it currently is. Meanwhile, Governor Roy Cooper contemplated the purchase of a firearm with which he could play Russian roulette while the legislature decides to overrule his impending veto.