TRUMP, CLINTON BOTH AWARDED FIRST PRIZE IN MILLENNIAL STYLE DEBATE

Hofstra University, NY - In the first debate between the two major party candidates, one thing was made clear to voters: their candidate won. This follows trends in cognitive dissonance, confirmation bias, and the millennial generation's long standing support for participation trophies.
Hillary Clinton supporters cheered as she spoke with intelligence and aplomb, explained plans to stimulate the economy through technological developments to combat Climate Change, and weathered the storm of her opponent's constant interruptions.
Donald Trump used the occasion to expose corrupt Hillary Clinton for the liar that she is, despite the commentator constantly interrupting him and telling him to answer the question, having a defective mic, and being tired from touring a country that he intends to Make Great Again. For staying true to the man that he is, despite the liberal crusade against him, supporters were glad that the entire country could see the two candidates on stage together and the obviousness of Trump's superior temperament.
"Wow," said Alicia Freemont of Newport, RI, "I knew Hillary Clinton was a great debater, but that was even better than I had hoped for."
"I know," agreed Billy Smith of Oklahoma City, OK, "She sure can lie. Good thing Trump was there to stuff it right back into her face. We need a man like that, who says it like it is."

Freemont continued, saying, "I loved it when she said, 'Well, just listen to what you heard.' Who gives better arguments for voting against Trump than Trump?"

"I listened to it and agree with every word out of the man's mouth," responded Smith. "He's a great business man, and America could use someone with that kind of sense right now."

The dual victory of the evening underscores a continuing tendency in 21st century competition. With the large number of Liberal Arts majors whose jobs do not involve their collegiate training at all, subjectivity and participation awards have become the norm. Psychology and Sociology majors easily empathize with the circumstances that create viewpoints other than their own. Students of other disciplines, such as English, History, and Philosophy, understand nuances and the necessity to not speak in broad terms, often to the point of being critical of their own candidate's ideas.
"In Postmodernism, you can have two winners," said Dr. Julie Sweeney of the University of Pennsylvania's Graduate Department of Culture Studies. "I mean, why not? What says that there has to be ONE winner? And I can even reify the word 'winner' to have an entirely different meaning. There's a lot to take into context about this. How does the word winner make us feel? Isn't that more important?"

Meanwhile, supporters of Gary Johnson and Jill Stein argued that their candidates had won by sticking to their ideals and not being invited to the debate at all. Lester Holt could not be reached for comment as the registered Republican was too busy playing Russian Roulette in the parking lot of a TGIFridays and muttering that the country "was absolutely, one hundred percent screwed."

TO COMBAT CLAIMS OF RACISM, CHARLOTTE POLICE EXECUTE UNARMED, WHITE CIVILIAN

Charlotte, NC - On Tuesday, Charlotte police shot and killed 43 year-old Keith Lamont Scott while attempting to serve a warrant to a suspect. The police department claims that Scott was in possession of a firearm, while local residents report that he was reading a book, in a car, waiting for his son to be dropped off. Indignation on a national level has reached explosive proportions after the high profile deaths of many other young, black men at the hands of police. On Tuesday and Wednesday, protests have escalated to riot conditions. These riots have caused an undisclosed amount of damage to public and private property. Twelve police officers have been reported as injured so far, and a civilian appears to have been shot by another civilian. A state of emergency has been declared in the city.
In response to the violence, Charlotte police are extending an olive branch to the black community and its allies.

"We have just recently shot an unarmed white man to prove that race did not play into the shooting of Mr. Scott," said the Chief of Police. He continued in saying, "We want to be clear that our indiscriminate shooting of unarmed civilians is not racially motivated. You should have seen this [white] guy. He looked like he was out of a Gap commercial."
Gregory Richardson, a local pediatrician and father of three, was out for a postprandial walk with his wife when Charlotte police stopped him. He was apparently holding a balloon that he had bought for his wife, and the police have reported that he was waving it at them in a threatening way.
The Chief of Police explained, "A balloon? Is there a way that you can wave that at someone threateningly? Come on people, if we're willing to shoot this guy, we're willing to shoot just about anyone. Black, white, blue, rich, poor, it's just anyone. What you have to understand is that we're under a lot of pressure. In a split second, a police officer could suddenly decide to use the weapon that he has been trained to empty at the center of mass in the midst of a population - any population - that he has been told could suddenly attack and kill him at any time. Anyone, at any time, could attack a police officer. We train our police to be absolutely terrified of anyone around them - regardless of race. That's why, when Mr. Richardson had the balloon, it - I dunno - triggered something. Officer Fitzgerald just lost it and emptied a clip into him. It happens all the time. We just felt the need to show everyone that it happens to white people, too."

NC SCHOOLS FALL TO 67TH, NATIONALLY

North Carolina - Despite Governor Pat McCrory's pre-election attempt to raise teacher salaries, the state's schools are still having severe difficulties. Both virtual charter school districts received poor ratings based on academic growth, and the state continues to hemorrhage experienced teachers. McCrory's supporters are quick to point out that North Carolina no longer ranks 42nd in teacher pay.
"We have made great strides," says Jessie Overthorpe, a spokeswoman for the campaign, "We are now in 41st position. Though our critics claimed that our plan was overly ambitious and said that it couldn't be done, we have successfully captured this much vaunted ranking. Suck it, Florida."
However, this gain has not been able to stymie the state's overall tragic performance on standardized testing, nor has it been able to lure more college graduates to the profession. A new report released by The Diver Group has shown that the state's ability to educate its younger citizens has fallen drastically.
Formerly in 50th out of the 50 states, North Carolina's school system has dropped to levels beneath even that.
"We had to come up with new metrics to measure this kind of failure," said Paul Cambrio, of the Diver Group. "After all, how does one quantify a regression from last place? Well, it wasn't easy, but we did it."

Cambrio points to the Diver Group's comparative analysis figures, showing that North Carolina schools have done a worse job at educating than Puerto Rico, Guam, or American Samoa. But it doesn't stop there. Among the sixteen non-state comparisons that currently outrank North Carolina scholastically, there are private corporations like Kindercare. This would seem to add to the argument for privatizing the school system. However, North Carolina is also being out ranked, educationally, by, "prison," "a cup of coffee," "a brick," and "being hit on the head with a brick."
When asked to comment on the state of education within North Carolina, the Department of Public Instruction's representative sobbed into a glass of whiskey and commented, "What do you want us to do? We've reached a critical mass of doing more with less. This state once did very well with education, but then the cutbacks started. Now, we've got a governor who doesn't even know how to tabulate an average [for teacher pay]. Look, it's the lunatics running the asylum. If you want us to dig ourselves out of the hole, you've got to stop vilifying the education system and actually fund it. If you think that teachers are doing an easy job, driving around in Corvettes, and relaxing all day, you are part of the problem."

NEW STUDY FINDS THAT YOU ARE A PSYCHOPATH

Everywhere, All at Once - A new study released by psychologists at Harvard University shows a staggering number of correlations between the behaviors of an average psychopath and you, the reader of this column. Your choices pertaining to jobs, friendship, and entertainment are consistent with a person displaying traits of antisocial personality disorder. You often make choices that, while not directly benefiting you, have the appearance that they someday will. Even when you appear to make choices that are socially acceptable or might even be mistaken for altruistic, these choices are, at the root, motivated by selfish desires. Whether these selfish desires are more transparently selfish, such as wanting the attentions of an attractive individual, or more tangentially selfish, such as getting a good feeling from helping someone out, they have one thing in common: you are motivated by a self-serving desire for a neuro-chemical fix.
As a member of the human  species, your desire for oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin can at any time undermine your ability to interact with strangers, business associates, friends, and even family members. While mutually beneficial tasks might initially seem to offset this self-serving behavior, neurologists and psychologists have been able to show that your desire to help your fellow man can still be traced back to this chemical dependence and, therefore, your own desire to serve yourself.
While this might traditionally be seen as sociopathic behavior, there are other factors involved. Even if you are unwilling to admit this to yourself, you have enemies. There are people who irritate you. Many of them may not even know this. Some people frustrate and even disgust you. At times, you find yourself desiring something bad to happen to those who interact with you in a negative way - you may not even be willing to admit this to yourself.
In sight of all of this evidence, scientists have reached the damning conclusion that many behaviors that you exhibit closely mirror those found in people with antisocial personality disorder or unsympathetic personality disorder. It is now suggested that you find a new job or continue performing at your current one because psychopaths are very well suited for such work.

NATION EAGERLY AWAITING GRUESOME CONCLUSION TO CLOWN SAGA

The Carolinas - After clown sightings in South and North Carolina, the United States eagerly awaits what will indubitably be something grisly - whatever it is.
A rash of sightings and alleged attempts to lure children into the woods could have any number of causes: some have conjectured that it could be a viral marketing campaign to advertise a remake of Stephen King's "It" or a new Rob Zombie movie about dangerous clowns. It is also possible that the nation is witnessing copycats, mimicking an unknown group. Because so little reliable evidence has been produced about the clowns, still others are postulating that most, if not all, sightings are fabrications of some sort or another. Is it possible that this is a recurring phenomena caused by the power of suggestion? Regardless of what the truth is, most of the public is interested in only one thing: how can this end terribly?
Will a child disappear, only to be found horribly mutilated later? Will a prankster be killed by a concerned citizen with a shotgun? Will there be lawsuits against viral marketing campaigns? Who will be the first to die? Will there be a second?
As the presidential campaign heats up, Native Americans protest an oil pipeline, the President of the Philippines has more or less legalized vigilantism, the United States and Russia are involved in one of the most heated political standoffs since the Cold War, and a complicated and controversial conflict kills thousands and boils refugees in droves to the gates of Europe and beyond, it is clear that we are a people in need of another tragedy - the bloodier the better.

COUNTRY TRYING TO RECONCILE LOVE OF SPORTS, RACISM

The United States of America – In the 1989 film, “Do the Right Thing,” Spike Lee's 'Pino' (John Turturro) tries to selectively apply the n-word to non-famous African Americans, epitomizing the treatment of many minorities dating back to times when it was considered acceptable to enslave and/or murder them. Since the integration of sports leagues, the beloved pastimes of many Americans have been dominated by minorities in general and African Americans in particular. While this was very awkward for many fans, it became even more awkward when these new celebrities began to become politically vocal. Since Muhammad Ali's statements about Vietnam and Tommie Smith and John Carlos' Black Power salute in the 1968 Olympics, sports have become an awkward reminder that the racial politics of the Unites States are still, to put it mildly, complicated.

So when Colin Kaepernick refused to stand for the National Anthem, it gave voice to a number of patriots who have been verbally bashing President Obama for the past eight years.

Todd Fox, an area furniture reclamation technician, had this to say:

“He makes how much every year, and he's got the nerve to say that this country [sic] ain't been good to him and his? I won't hear it. They should take away his uniform. He doesn't deserve to wear it.”

Kaepernick claims that his refusal to stand is in response to the handling of a number of high profile shootings of African American men by police officers. While this does not violate any rules within the NFL, a private corporation, many fans of the sport have been very upset about what they see as a lack of patriotism toward a country that historically enslaved and discriminated against African Americans on a federal level.

As one of Kaepernick's critics, Fox claims that the NFL is not the place for a discussion about racism, shortly before sitting down to watch a Washington Redskins game.

AREA MAN DISAPPOINTED BY LOCAL BUSINESS

Greensboro, NC - Jeffery Inglehammer revealed Sunday that he was “less than thrilled” to find out that yet another hair salon would be opening in the downtown area of Elm street.

“My friends and I all saw the shop close down, and we were really hoping that it would be like a small organic grocery or a tapas restaurant. Maybe, like a really cool brunch place. But, there's this.”

Do's and Don'ts will be opening in September, and its owner, Grace Johnson, couldn't be happier.

“I've always done my friends' hair, and they always asked me to do it. I've never been real big on doing people's nails, but my cousin, Jacquelyn, she does a fantastic job. So, I said, well, we can do nails, too!”

When asked about potential business saturation, Ms. Johnson replied, “Well, I guess if we don't do a good job, we won't be here for too long, right? But you have to follow your dreams, I mean, that's what they say in school all the time, isn't it?”

Mr. Inglehammer explained that Greensboro “really has a chance to revitalize itself” but that it “needs to embrace higher cultural aspirations.” Many residents are excited for the scheduled 2017 opening of the Steven Tanger Center for the Performing Arts and the new Carroll at Bellemeade properties across the street from the Grasshoppers stadium.

“We've got a real chance to be like Asheville or some of the nicer parts of Charlotte,” said Inglehammer, in reference to the city's new microbreweries and coffee houses. “Now we've got regular First Friday celebrations and Third Thursdays at the City Market. I just don't see why we need another hair salon. There are already like, what, four within walking distance of there?”

Mr. Inglehammer finished by pointing out that he has several African American friends, but that he has not brought up the topic with any of them.

NORTH CAROLINA SCHOOLS TO DO AWAY WITH BOOKS, FACTS

Raleigh, NC – Coming under pressure from the Coalition of Parents for a Better Tomorrow, the Department of Public Instruction has decided to remove all textbooks from statewide school curricula. James Reid, a spokesperson for CPBT, called the changes, “daring” and “inclusive.”

“Every decade or so there are new textbooks. They cost taxpayers a pretty hefty sum if you ask me,” he said. “The new textbooks don't even agree with the old textbooks, so what's the point? Why not just cut to the chase and get rid of them altogether before we have to get rid of them in 2030?”

Some locals were critical of the move saying that it, “brought the state back into an era of ignorance,” calling it, “the Dark Ages,” and asking, “Where do you think we are, Alabama?”

To this, Reid said, “Now, I know the liberals are going to be pretty upset with their 'facts' and such. But if you ask me,” he repeated, “facts leave out a lot of people's opinions. I mean, I can say that I read in a book somewhere that a woman's a woman, and a man's a man. That doesn't sit too pretty with the folks on the left, now does it? Now, if we don't have facts running around in our schools, everyone's entitled to their opinions. It's just plain fair.”

The Department of Public Instruction spokesperson only had this to say, “What do you people want from us? You refuse to fund us, you lie about how much our teachers are making, and then you get this. Well, God help you because we're washing our hands of it. May you ignorant philistines finally reap that which you have been sowing for years.”

CPBT is a church-based organization that does fund-raising for educational initiatives. The aim of these initiatives is to provide alternatives to the teaching of evolution in schools. Most recently, they gained a lot of press for touting Kentucky's Creation Museum as the greatest scientific discovery [sic] of the modern era.

LOCAL RESIDENTS DEMAND REMOVAL OF SWASTIKA FROM TOWN HALL

Bremen, NC – New residents to Bremen, NC, were surprised to see the town hall flying, alongside the Confederate battle flag, a World War II-era German flag. Letitia Foster and her mother, Sandra Foster, recently moved to Bremen, NC from Fredrick, MD where the elder had been employed as a pharmacist.

“Mom got transferred,” said Letitia, “and when we heard it was down south, we knew it would be different. But this is pretty extreme.”

A local representative who would not give his name, commented, “The residents of Bremen understand that some people see the swastika as an image of hate and fascism. What they don't understand is that, to us, it's a symbol of heritage. The people of Bremen have close ties to the Fatherland.”

The city's German connection dates back to the founders having come from Germany in 1920. A small group of herbalists and craftsmen settled in the area on a land grant to encourage immigration after clearing a small group of African American sharecroppers off of the land. The town participated heavily in the experiments conducted by the Eugenics Board of North Carolina in the 1930s to the 1970s.

Residents of Bremen, NC lobbied the US government to enter World War II on the German side, but became a town of mostly conscientious objectors in 1941.

“Our relatives just wanted a better world for everyone,” says the representative, “All anyone seems to remember about the Nazis is all the killing that they did, but no one seems to remember their interest in inexpensive healthcare or good school systems.”

Now, many of the newer residents to the city are transplants and feel that the town hall's flying of the flag is offensive.

“My great-uncle died fighting the Germans,” says resident Luis Corredo, “That flag might have been the last thing that he saw.”

With a more heterogeneous population in the town, the local leadership is struggling to explain itself to newcomers. Even mayor Susan Strasser weighed in on the subject:
“What people don't seem to understand is that this isn't hate. It has nothing to do with hate. It's all about heritage.”

#ALLLIVESMATTER SUPPORTER FACES HORRIFYING EXISTENTIAL CRISIS AFTER TRIP TO AREA WALMART

Burlington, N.C. - Confronted with the gruesomeness of most people's lives, local entrepreneur Richard Doerenbeck is rethinking his support of the #AllLivesMatter campaign. After first having become familiar with the movement, as more inclusive response to #BlackLivesMatter, Doerenbeck began posting the hashtag regularly on all of his social media accounts.

“I put it up on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, just everywhere,” said Doerenbeck, “I just figured that it was a better statement than just focusing on one race of people. Isn't that what creates divides in society?”

An August 19^th trip to the Walmart on Graham Hopedale rd. in Burlington has Doerenbeck thinking differently:

“It's unbelievable,” he said, “that these people are allowed to exist in our society. You should see the stuff that they buy.”

This had been Doerenbeck's first trip to a Walmart, and he added that he would “never go back.” After seeing a woman with three noisy children purchasing Chocolate Chip Oreos and a variety of Four Loko flavors, Doerenbeck believed that he had spotted some manner of anomaly.

“It's not polite to stare,” he remembered, “And I was sure that I wasn't the only one caught off guard by this woman's behavior. But then, I noticed that there was a woman with an insulin pump buying what looked to be fifty-five pounds of scrapple. Do you know what's in that stuff?”

Doerenbeck came to discover that he was alone in his disgust.

“Everywhere, there were people buying Red Velvet Pop-Tarts and Tap-out gear. I don't think that they'd even allow you through check out with that stuff at the Publix in Winston-Salem. It was totally unbelievable.”

Things got worse when Doerenbeck went to check out.

“These two 'women',” Doerenbeck said, using finger quotes, “started yelling at each other because one had cut in line. She had one item. It was a pair of XXL pink camouflage panties, and I think she thought that the other woman had gestured for her to just go on through.”
Doerenbeck shook his head at the memory.

“She hollered that she was just waving away her husband's gas. In public,” said Doerenbeck, “She yelled it, so everyone could hear. The other lady said that she only had one item and that it wasn't a big deal. Well, they just got into it from there. It was awful.”

Scarred by his first and presumably only trip the Burlington Walmart, Doerenbeck explained:

“I just wanted to get some baby spinach and some agave syrup. The Walmart was on my way home from visiting my uncle. Everyone was always talking about how cheap things are there, so I figured I'd give it a try. How did we sink so low as a species?”

No longer feeling honest about posting #AllLivesMatter, Doerenbeck has come to the conclusion that all lives do not matter. In fact, he is veering in quite an opposite direction.

“That Walmart was a melting pot. I saw Arabs, blacks, whites, asians, you-name-it. Everyone was garbage. What I've really come to realize is that, maybe, it's better to say that people who value their lives by being rich are the ones who really have value. I think I am going to start a new hashtag, a more honest one, #richlivesmatter. People are too PC these days. They try to be too inclusive. We all know that rich lives matter more than everyone else's. Let's just be honest for once.”

After the interview, Doerenbeck got back into his 2016 Dodge Charger and drove back to Apex, NC., a shaken, broken shell of a man.

NC HOUSE ANNOUNCES HB 2.1

Raleigh, N.C. - Addressing local residents' concerns about transgender individuals using bathrooms that do not correspond to their sex at birth, the North Carolina house has met to discuss a new provision of the already controversial House Bill 2. This addendum to the law would require a government worker to pat down any individual entering a bathroom in a government building.

The rationale behind the measure is to prevent transgender individuals who do not appear to be transgender from entering bathrooms that do not correspond with both their genitalia and the sex indicated on their birth certificate. These individuals will be granted access to bathrooms in their own homes and special public facilities. Public transgender restrooms are expected to have air horns and klaxons around the entrances, which will sound an alarm every time a person who does not identify with their birth sex enters.
“The 'genitalia check' is an extension of freedom and privacy to all North Carolinians who do not want to share bathrooms with transgender people,” commented Governor Pat McCrory, one of the bill's sponsors. He continued, “We should have to go the bathroom with a bunch of freaks and weirdos. What's next? Sharing bathrooms with the atheists?”

In an attempt to mitigate fears of the new bathroom monitors “abusing their power” or “molesting people,” McCrory explained that these would be screened to make certain that they are both white and male, and thereby, “above suspicion.”

“North Carolina is First in Freedom,” said McCrory, “Now, I believe that there is a freedom to and a freedom from. Transgender individuals are free to use the bathroom in their own homes, away from the rest of us, and all of us regular, working Americans should be free from having to go to the bathroom in the same place as someone who may not be like us.”