Sunday, September 4, 2016

#ALLLIVESMATTER SUPPORTER FACES HORRIFYING EXISTENTIAL CRISIS AFTER TRIP TO AREA WALMART

Burlington, N.C. - Confronted with the gruesomeness of most people's lives, local entrepreneur Richard Doerenbeck is rethinking his support of the #AllLivesMatter campaign. After first having become familiar with the movement, as more inclusive response to #BlackLivesMatter, Doerenbeck began posting the hashtag regularly on all of his social media accounts.
I put it up on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, just everywhere,” said Doerenbeck, “I just figured that it was a better statement than just focusing on one race of people. Isn't that what creates divides in society?”
An August 19th trip to the Walmart on Graham Hopedale rd. in Burlington has Doerenbeck thinking differently:
It's unbelievable,” he said, “that these people are allowed to exist in our society. You should see the stuff that they buy.”
This had been Doerenbeck's first trip to a Walmart, and he added that he would “never go back.” After seeing a woman with three noisy children purchasing Chocolate Chip Oreos and a variety of Four Loko flavors, Doerenbeck believed that he had spotted some manner of anomaly.
It's not polite to stare,” he remembered, “And I was sure that I wasn't the only one caught off guard by this woman's behavior. But then, I noticed that there was a woman with an insulin pump buying what looked to be fifty-five pounds of scrapple. Do you know what's in that stuff?”
Doerenbeck came to discover that he was alone in his disgust.
Everywhere, there were people buying Red Velvet Pop-Tarts and Tap-out gear. I don't think that they'd even allow you through check out with that stuff at the Publix in Winston-Salem. It was totally unbelievable.”

Things got worse when Doerenbeck went to check out.
These two 'women',” Doerenbeck said, using finger quotes, “started yelling at each other because one had cut in line. She had one item. It was a pair of XXL pink camouflage panties, and I think she thought that the other woman had gestured for her to just go on through.”
Doerenbeck shook his head at the memory.
She hollered that she was just waving away her husband's gas. In public,” said Doerenbeck, “She yelled it, so everyone could hear. The other lady said that she only had one item and that it wasn't a big deal. Well, they just got into it from there. It was awful.”
Scarred by his first and presumably only trip the Burlington Walmart, Doerenbeck explained:
I just wanted to get some baby spinach and some agave syrup. The Walmart was on my way home from visiting my uncle. Everyone was always talking about how cheap things are there, so I figured I'd give it a try. How did we sink so low as a species?”
No longer feeling honest about posting #AllLivesMatter, Doerenbeck has come to the conclusion that all lives do not matter. In fact, he is veering in quite an opposite direction.
That Walmart was a melting pot. I saw Arabs, blacks, whites, asians, you-name-it. Everyone was garbage. What I've really come to realize is that, maybe, it's better to say that people who value their lives by being rich are the ones who really have value. I think I am going to start a new hashtag, a more honest one, #richlivesmatter. People are too PC these days. They try to be too inclusive. We all know that rich lives matter more than everyone else's. Let's just be honest for once.”
After the interview, Doerenbeck got back into his 2016 Dodge Charger and drove back to Apex, NC., a shaken, broken shell of a man.

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