TRUMP, CLINTON BOTH AWARDED FIRST PRIZE IN MILLENNIAL STYLE DEBATE

Hofstra University, NY - In the first debate between the two major party candidates, one thing was made clear to voters: their candidate won. This follows trends in cognitive dissonance, confirmation bias, and the millennial generation's long standing support for participation trophies.
Hillary Clinton supporters cheered as she spoke with intelligence and aplomb, explained plans to stimulate the economy through technological developments to combat Climate Change, and weathered the storm of her opponent's constant interruptions.
Donald Trump used the occasion to expose corrupt Hillary Clinton for the liar that she is, despite the commentator constantly interrupting him and telling him to answer the question, having a defective mic, and being tired from touring a country that he intends to Make Great Again. For staying true to the man that he is, despite the liberal crusade against him, supporters were glad that the entire country could see the two candidates on stage together and the obviousness of Trump's superior temperament.
"Wow," said Alicia Freemont of Newport, RI, "I knew Hillary Clinton was a great debater, but that was even better than I had hoped for."
"I know," agreed Billy Smith of Oklahoma City, OK, "She sure can lie. Good thing Trump was there to stuff it right back into her face. We need a man like that, who says it like it is."

Freemont continued, saying, "I loved it when she said, 'Well, just listen to what you heard.' Who gives better arguments for voting against Trump than Trump?"

"I listened to it and agree with every word out of the man's mouth," responded Smith. "He's a great business man, and America could use someone with that kind of sense right now."

The dual victory of the evening underscores a continuing tendency in 21st century competition. With the large number of Liberal Arts majors whose jobs do not involve their collegiate training at all, subjectivity and participation awards have become the norm. Psychology and Sociology majors easily empathize with the circumstances that create viewpoints other than their own. Students of other disciplines, such as English, History, and Philosophy, understand nuances and the necessity to not speak in broad terms, often to the point of being critical of their own candidate's ideas.
"In Postmodernism, you can have two winners," said Dr. Julie Sweeney of the University of Pennsylvania's Graduate Department of Culture Studies. "I mean, why not? What says that there has to be ONE winner? And I can even reify the word 'winner' to have an entirely different meaning. There's a lot to take into context about this. How does the word winner make us feel? Isn't that more important?"

Meanwhile, supporters of Gary Johnson and Jill Stein argued that their candidates had won by sticking to their ideals and not being invited to the debate at all. Lester Holt could not be reached for comment as the registered Republican was too busy playing Russian Roulette in the parking lot of a TGIFridays and muttering that the country "was absolutely, one hundred percent screwed."