NEW STUDY FINDS THAT YOU ARE A PSYCHOPATH

Everywhere, All at Once - A new study released by psychologists at Harvard University shows a staggering number of correlations between the behaviors of an average psychopath and you, the reader of this column. Your choices pertaining to jobs, friendship, and entertainment are consistent with a person displaying traits of antisocial personality disorder. You often make choices that, while not directly benefiting you, have the appearance that they someday will. Even when you appear to make choices that are socially acceptable or might even be mistaken for altruistic, these choices are, at the root, motivated by selfish desires. Whether these selfish desires are more transparently selfish, such as wanting the attentions of an attractive individual, or more tangentially selfish, such as getting a good feeling from helping someone out, they have one thing in common: you are motivated by a self-serving desire for a neuro-chemical fix.
As a member of the human  species, your desire for oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin can at any time undermine your ability to interact with strangers, business associates, friends, and even family members. While mutually beneficial tasks might initially seem to offset this self-serving behavior, neurologists and psychologists have been able to show that your desire to help your fellow man can still be traced back to this chemical dependence and, therefore, your own desire to serve yourself.
While this might traditionally be seen as sociopathic behavior, there are other factors involved. Even if you are unwilling to admit this to yourself, you have enemies. There are people who irritate you. Many of them may not even know this. Some people frustrate and even disgust you. At times, you find yourself desiring something bad to happen to those who interact with you in a negative way - you may not even be willing to admit this to yourself.
In sight of all of this evidence, scientists have reached the damning conclusion that many behaviors that you exhibit closely mirror those found in people with antisocial personality disorder or unsympathetic personality disorder. It is now suggested that you find a new job or continue performing at your current one because psychopaths are very well suited for such work.