AREA MAN APPALLED AT MEDIA'S HYPOCRISY IN HANDLING OF TWO EXTREMELY DIFFERENT EVENTS

 

Peaceful Trump supporters trying to calmly overturn a democratic election

(Washington, DC) The events of January 6th, 2021 have terrified, saddened, and embarrassed people across the United States and the world. As the current President corroborated feelings of distrust toward the electoral system that did not select him, an enormous crowd of his supporters became (coincidentally) agitated and mere moments after one of his closest associates, Rudy Giuliani, called for a "trial by combat," many of those present marched (in an entirely unrelated protest) on the Capitol building where the election of President-elect Joe Biden was being certified by Congress. The resulting (and entirely distinct) riot became violent, resulting in the deaths of five people, including one member of the Capitol police. The mainstream news media has painted the events a riot, an attempted coup, and a seditious attempt by the President to undermine democracy.

"Oh, but it's fine when the they do it," said Mark Wolfhaus of Ferkingville, AL, who declined to comment on who "they" were, instead choosing to lean, wink, and say, "you know who." The fifty-three year-old former landscaping company manager was absolutely disgusted with the media's handling of the events at the Capitol. He continued, saying this, "It's just disgusting. They've been doing this since the beginning. Trump can't get a fair shake. The media is reporting this like the BLM riots didn't happen. Yes, there were some really regrettable things that happened on the sixth, but you can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs. It's just awful that they shot that young lady down who was trying to breach a secure area where some of the heads of government were sheltering. I can't believe it. She was a veteran. You know that? A veteran."

When asked what might have happened if BLM protests had reached that point, Wolfhaus had this to say:

"Oh ho ho ho, now, you think we'd let them get into the Capitol? You gotta be kidding me. If they'd have knocked on the door it's castle doctrine all day long."

The legal defense to which Wolfhaus referred exempts a person from consequences in the defense of a habitation, even to the extent of killing a suspected threat.

"That's different though," he went on to say, "BLM is a clear and present danger to everything we hold dear in this country. Those protestors were frustrated. It was like their grievances and objections to how they're being governed weren't even being heard. Well, you push people too far, they're eventually going to have their say. That's what was happening. I wouldn't be surprised if we haven't heard the last from those brave patriots." (Editor's note: he was most likely referring to the Capitol protestors who were upset with losing an election, not members of the BLM movement who have been protesting because of the disproportionate use of lethal force against blacks in America.) 

Wolfhaus would not comment when pressed on whether or not BLM had taken any sensitive documents when riots were going on in the wake of the killing of George Floyd at the hands of Minneapolis police. He did have this to say:

"Okay, yeah, yeah. It's not like those people were fighting against real injustice. So a cop killed one of theirs. Happens all the time. What about black-on-black crime? What about the fact that more white people are killed by police? We're talking about an election that was stolen by an evil man who is really just a pawn of..." Wolfhaus' eyes scanned the immediate vicinity before he continued, "Her. Hillary Rodham Clinton. You know she's behind this. You just know it. Watch the guys on YouTube. They'll tell you the truth. Maybe, who knows? Maybe the materials that they'll get out of there have some stuff on them that will connect this to Soros. You never know with the government."

When confronted with the facts that the recent round of BLM protests involved millions of people, took place in hundreds of cities, and were statistically less violent (# of people involved vs. injuries and deaths) than what happened at the Capitol, Wolfhaus appeared to be experiencing some sort of distress. The Big Tobacco correspondent then asked if BLM protests were seditious, if BLM supporters had brought zip ties into a house of government with the clear intent of taking hostages, if BLM posed any real threat to the governance of the United States. This caused Wolfhaus to scream, "Sic semper tyrannis!" just as a squad of FBI agents breached his door in an attempt to arrest him over the selfies that he had taken just days earlier in an unnamed congressperson's office. However, in the contemporary version of Cato throwing himself on his sword, Wolfhaus tased himself in the testicles and suffered a cardiac arrest.